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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Yet another one

103 replies

Fubsy · 14/03/2007 10:19

Ive been lurking here for a while, it seems like a lot of people are going through something like I am, so was reluctant to post, but feel I need to get it off my chest.

DP and I have been having problems for quite a while, this week we finally sat down and he said hje thought it was best if he moved out.

Its weird, but in spite of feeling like everything is better when hes not around, as soon as he said this I didnt want it to happen.

Im so annoyed with him because if he would just talk to me, it wouldnt have come to this. Weve had councelling in the past and it was helpful, but he seems to be repeating all the old patterns again. He hates his work, tries to get controlling with me and DD, and we have financial probs. But he is the worlds biggest ostrich (with me a close second) and it seems he would rather move out, although he says he still loves me, rather than talk.

Trouble is Im not sure I love him, and part of me is looking forward to doing things my way again.

But I feel so bad for DD, shes noticed our arguments and keeps making comments about it, but I think she'll be heartbroken if we tell her what is going to happen. I just dread it. And telling everyone else too - we live in a small village, so itll be all over like wildfire, and friends and family think were great together, because we dont discuss our problems with anyone else.

I have posted before, but things hadnt quite got this far then.

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Original poster
Fubsy · 15/03/2007 22:02

Now Im getting twitchy because its becoming clear that DP hasnt thought out either the financial or the custody parts of this out at all.

One minute he wants a room in the town where he works (wouldnt be able to pick DD up from school - how convenient) next he wants an unfurnished house near us that would cost a fortune - money we just dont have.

Every time I talk to him its just so apparent how depressed he is, he has no idea whats going on in his head. However there was a slight glimmer of hope when he mentioned trying to see the counsellor at his work.

Which reminded me, i have access to counselling through work too, so im going to give them a ring tomorrow and see what it entails.

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Original poster
Fubsy · 17/03/2007 18:24

Just had another talk with DP. He hasnt done anything constructive about going, eg budgets, working out when he can see DD etc. He just wants to play on the computer all day.

He is definitely quite seriously depressed. However he has finally agreed to contact his work counsellor on Monday. Just dont know how long beofre he will be seen.

Sad thing is, i can think of a lot of benefits to me if we go our separate ways, but I cant bear the hurt it will cause DD. And strange as it seems, I dont think it will do DP any good either, except perhaps bring him to his senses.

OP posts:
Dior · 17/03/2007 18:26

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Original poster
Fubsy · 17/03/2007 18:37

Thanks Dior. Im pretty depressive as well, but get easily dragged down when around people who are completely down. Makes it hard to see the wood for the trees.

Hope we all get some light soon, we need it.

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Original poster
Fubsy · 27/04/2007 16:30

Update - we have just been to see a mortgage advisor. DP has been looking at flats near here, and it looks as though I can keep this house, which would be good for DD as we live in a small village with a lovely school.

Still havent told anyone in RL yet. But think i might soon, as this is starting to make it feel very real.

DP is now in a great mood since he looked at some flats. I cant knock it too much as he is being very fair about how we split things, but I cant help thinking he's getting excited about being the single man about town again.

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Paddlechick666 · 27/04/2007 19:17

fubsy, the reality will soon kick in for him. he might enjoy a few nights out and the single life for a little bit but IMO, he may soon feel the lonliness that can set in.

especially if his friends and colleagues are family men and won't be available for constant nights out.

but, that aside, try to focus on you and dd and not give too much thought to how he's going to conduct his life.

sorry to hear about the depression. it's shocking how many men are suffering from it and ultimately tearing their families apart with it.

glad to hear you can stay in the house, that's really positive for you and dd.

good luck.

October · 27/04/2007 19:21

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Paddlechick666 · 27/04/2007 19:25

oooh can I come?

dh having dd is a dim and distant possiblity for me....

but, my mum is taking her home for 2 nights next week for the first time.

I've got mixed feelings but work are already planning a piss-up for one of the nights!

LOL

October · 27/04/2007 19:26

Message withdrawn

Paddlechick666 · 27/04/2007 19:29

i'd second that. i am still feeling refreshed from my night away last week.

we could pick a central location and stay in B&B or something.

but it wouldn't have to be a bitter and twisted man bashing night.

it would have to be themed gorgeous and glam and fabulous futures for all.

mylittlestar · 27/04/2007 19:39

count me in for that night out too! definitely!

fubsy I hope you're ok. i missed this the first time round. i'm so sorry for what you're going through. fwiw i don't think it will be long until he realises the grass definitely isn't any greener. but by then hopefully you will have moved on and be so happy you won't care!

take care xx

Paddlechick666 · 27/04/2007 19:42

oooh MLS, I hope you've updated your thread coz we've all been on tenterhooks about you today!

seriously, I think we should make this happen.

CAT me anyone who's keen and I'd be happy to organise it....

mylittlestar · 27/04/2007 19:59

yes I am definitely keen - I will e-mail you!

xx

(yes have updated my thread - sorry for the delay!!)

Original poster
Fubsy · 27/04/2007 22:12

Thanks everyone, all your threads and posts have been really helpful to me.

I finally told a rl friend today, she went through the same last year, which is why I have this awful feeling of it being contagious - im almost scared to tell anyone else in case it starts feelings of unrest in them!

She suggested going speed dating together - dont think im quite ready for that yet, somehow.....

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October · 27/04/2007 22:15

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Original poster
Fubsy · 27/04/2007 23:01

Hope that was a joke!

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October · 27/04/2007 23:02

Message withdrawn

October · 27/04/2007 23:02

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Original poster
Fubsy · 11/05/2007 23:54

Dredged this thread up again.

Noticed yesterday that DP kept switching over whenever I walked past him when he was on the computer. I did notice at one point that he was emailing a woman.

So i asked him outright if he was seeing anyone.

He said no but he was "talking to some people in chatrooms".

I didnt want to persue it further - I didnt know what to think. I dont know if hes looking for a fuckbuddy or a shoulder to cry on. But I felt so mad because the reason for us coming to an end was his total refusal to talk to me about anything!

21 years together and he just couldnt commit enough to get married to me.

But I bet he'll meet someone and marry them like a flash so it doesnt end up like us.

I know none of this is as bad as whats been happening to a lot of you, but it has really pissed me off. He's still here, still house huinting, and to be honest I wish he'd just piss off and go know so I can get on with my life.

And I cant bear to think of that thread on the Lone Parents board about meeting someone else - what are the chances for an overweight 43 year old?

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MrsDiorKeanuReeves · 11/05/2007 23:57

Fubsy - I am 38 this year - I'll go clubbing with you - well, something more sophisticated than clubbing, but you know what I mean. We'll pull!

Sorry, not trying to make light of it all. Just don't worry about being single. (Says the woman who is terrified to have to make a decision about leaving h!) You will be fine. We will all be here for you.

Original poster
Fubsy · 12/05/2007 13:08

Aww, thanks Mrs Reeves! I thought I wasnt bothered about it, but I was wrong. I thought he could have waited until he was out of he house before he tried to pick up someone else!

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MrsDiorKeanuReeves · 12/05/2007 19:10

Yes, it is a bit insulting isn't it! I would feel the same. NO matter how 'fine' you are with splitting up, it must be hard to know that the other one has moved on already.

Paddlechick666 · 12/05/2007 20:37

he hasn't moved on, he's just diverting himself and trying to reassure himself he's still got it iyswim.

pity the poor woman he hooks up with (if in fact he does) coz he ain't in any way shape or form ready to get involved with anyone else.

typical diversionary behaviour IMO.

Paddlechick666 · 12/05/2007 20:37

ps: can I come clubbing too?

Original poster
Fubsy · 12/05/2007 20:48

Paddlechick! Think youre right - theres definitely a midlife crisis going on here, and sometimes if I say something (eg why are you so obsessed with the car being clean and tidy) he'll say its because he's a man

TBH he's had a bit of a thing about doing things that men do for some time now (one of the things that made me wonder if he was actully having a crisis about his sexuality). He's absolutely not comfortable in his own skin at the moment, and unfortunately he's looking for someone to blame for that.

I wouldnt mind if he was gay, but he'd have hysterics if I said that! When "Troy" came out he kept saying he wanted to see it, so I jokingly said, "Oh, fancy a bit of Brad Pitt do you", and he went off in such a huff.

Ah well, if chatting up women online makes him feel manly where I cant, I suppose c'est la vie. Im getting better support on here.

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