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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just found dh's diary and it's not good

102 replies

Realitea · 04/05/2017 07:54

Saw some notes in the back of his work diary. It says he wants to leave our marriage but feels he can't as he doesn't believe I would be a good enough mother to the children. He has to be here to 'over see' things. Apparently I'm too possessive and it's leading them to live a secluded life. And he has to make sure their diet and education are managed properly.
This is a man who does nothing but sleep, work and go away for weekends with friends. I do everything for the children. They always come first. He even moans if I ask him to just read them a bed time story! I'm a brilliant mum.
How can he be so deluded?
What do I do?
If I leave will he use weird tactics to get custody or whatever it's called now?

OP posts:

ANewDawn · 04/05/2017 08:02

Oh dear. Very weird. Is the writing in the diary a way of collecting 'evidence'. Are you surprised by this? I would be wary of confronting him with this. It's really odd

CalmItKermitt · 04/05/2017 08:07

Has he got a secretary?

FritzDonovan · 04/05/2017 08:08

Very odd indeed. Is it written as bullet points /notes?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 04/05/2017 08:09

Start keeping your own diary and get yourself one step ahead for when the shit hits the fan. .
You need to get finances etc in your favour.

Original poster

Realitea · 04/05/2017 08:09

We started counselling last week and I encouraged him to make notes so I think it's to do with that. He didn't say at the time any of this stuff but did say he is only staying for the children which he then went back on. I don't know if he made these notes before or after the session. We've got another one tomorrow. Not sure whether to talk about these notes or not. We had a long talk yesterday and I thought things were on the right track.

OP posts:

daisiedip · 04/05/2017 08:10

In the gentlest possible way, does he have a point, no matter how small?

Original poster

Realitea · 04/05/2017 08:10

I'm his secretary!
No they were more jumbled up rather than bullet points, lots of Crossing out and re phrasing things

OP posts:

Original poster

Realitea · 04/05/2017 08:11

I am a bit over cautious with the dcs but we discussed that and I reassured him I would never stop them from doing anything they wanted to.

OP posts:

Crumbs1 · 04/05/2017 08:12

I think if he's already addressing the issues as he perceives them in counselling I'd leave well alone at the moment - but I'd be looking towards a frank discussion at some point.

Finola1step · 04/05/2017 08:12

Who else has access to his work diary? His PA?

Sounds more like he is leaving notes for someone else to "find". To explain why he can't leave his wife and kids, to make him look oh so "such a nice guy". Sorry.

Original poster

Realitea · 04/05/2017 08:12

Yes.. it's going to be hard to act normally today after reading that

OP posts:

Finola1step · 04/05/2017 08:13

Sorry. Massive x post

Original poster

Realitea · 04/05/2017 08:14

No one has access to his diary, he works for himself and I do the admin sometimes but haven't for a while. I think it was how he really feels and what he wanted to say to the counsellor but didn't

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 04/05/2017 08:14

Presumably your friends and people who know you, like teachers, club coaches etc will be able to back up any bullshit stories that come out of him. I wouldn't worry about this type of evidence and I'm not sure how much they'd count in a custody battle. Plus if he doesn't do anything with them I doubt he'd want custody anyway.

BertrandRussell · 04/05/2017 08:14

How does being a bit over cautious manifest itself?

notasillysausage · 04/05/2017 08:16

It sounds to me like he was writing his thoughts down before your counselling session. Almost like a crib sheet so he can articulate what he wants to say when he is in there. Wait for your counselling session and maybe try and address the issue there.

highinthesky · 04/05/2017 08:16

Asshole is planning a conductive dismissal. What further proof do you need that he is untrustworthy?

A pre-emptive strike is required, plan carefully.

QuiteLikely5 · 04/05/2017 08:16

Doesn't sound good for the future!

Tbh you have got nothing to lose so once the children are in bed you need to have it out with him

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 04/05/2017 08:20

If you're in couples counselling and you told him to make some notes before the next session, it sounds like he's doing just that! You shouldn't be reading them unless he chooses to share them with you in the next session.

And frankly, nobody on MN knows whether what he is written is true, untrue, what he really thinks (but is mistaken) or if he's just trying to excuse his behaviour.

Nanna50 · 04/05/2017 08:26

Agree with WildRumpy he was asked to make notes and he has, at least he is making an attempt. If you go to counseling you have to be prepared to listen to both sides, his concerns are just as valid as yours.

We only have your side, so far you've admitted to being over cautious with the DC's and you've already been snooping...

Original poster

Realitea · 04/05/2017 08:27

Some examples of being over cautious are:
Dd had a temperature of 38/39 and a rash so I said we probably shouldn't fly that weekend and he was angry about that and we did anyway
Dd had a chest infection last Christmas so I said it probably wasn't a good idea for her to go ice skating (she did in the end and then went on antibiotics)
Mil wants dcs overnight without us there despite being 2 hours away. Dcs have said they want us there too but apparently I have to show the dcs they don't need us all the time and encourage contact with his family. (I have no issue with that)
That's all I can think of really, I just put them first in my eyes but to him I'm being over protective.

OP posts:

Original poster

Realitea · 04/05/2017 08:29

I do admit to snooping though. That's pretty bad.
I have him my notes though, I don't want secrets. I thought he'd do the same

OP posts:

FritzDonovan · 04/05/2017 08:30

As they're all jumbled, it looks like he's trying to work out what to say rather than defined feelings or thoughts at the forefront of his mind, if that makes any sense. Is he trying to justify his thoughts on you not being a good mother, without any definite reasons?
What does he propose to do, if he wants to leave, but doesn't think you're good enough? Is he putting an argument together for why he would be a better primary carer?

blueskyinmarch · 04/05/2017 08:31

If a woman came on here to say she had made notes to try and sort out jumbled up thoughts because she was having counselling and her DH had inadvertently read these notes there would be an uproar about her privacy being violated and how she is allowed to have whatever thought process.she wants. I would say it is exactly the same for this man. He sounds like he is trying to sort out his thoughts and feelings. The OP may not think they are true or valid but he does and the counselling sessions should be a place to air these thoughts. Maybe you could bring it up at your next sessions OP? It would be the safest place to explore why he thinks this way.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/05/2017 08:41

Hi Realitea - I just checked back to make sure you were the poster I was thinking about whose MIL did the underhanded coercion to get your DC to stay overnight with her when they didn't really want to.

After re-reading that thread, and going back over the last few posts in particular (which I would recommend you also do) I fear that what you have found are things that his mother and he have discussed. As you worked out before, he doesn't see your little family as a separate unit but only one part of his mother's whole family - which means that it wouldn't be HIM over-seeing anything, as he's still effectively not an adult in the family, but his mother.

He called you a terrible mother in the big argument, didn't he - he has got that from somewhere and it's not hard to see where.

I thought you felt that you were done with this relationship, but I fear as well that he might be writing such things in an attempt to get custody if you do split up. So start your own (as you were advised in that last thread) - keep a timeline, a list of all the times he's let you and/or the DC down as a husband/father - just as a counter-measure in case this does all end up in court.

Stay strong missus - you can deal with this, you just need to be prepared.

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