Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found dh's diary and it's not good

102 replies

Realitea · 04/05/2017 07:54

Saw some notes in the back of his work diary. It says he wants to leave our marriage but feels he can't as he doesn't believe I would be a good enough mother to the children. He has to be here to 'over see' things. Apparently I'm too possessive and it's leading them to live a secluded life. And he has to make sure their diet and education are managed properly.
This is a man who does nothing but sleep, work and go away for weekends with friends. I do everything for the children. They always come first. He even moans if I ask him to just read them a bed time story! I'm a brilliant mum.
How can he be so deluded?
What do I do?
If I leave will he use weird tactics to get custody or whatever it's called now?

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 04/05/2017 08:43

Your next counselling session is an ideal time to thrash this out. I wouldn't advise mentioning his diary, just ask him his opinion on you as a mother and (children aside) as a partner.

His comments sound controlling to me and overly critical. He doesn't mention any of his own faults. He appears to be laying all blame with you. You are the reason in his eyes he can't leave.

He needs to start taking some responsibility for the problems in your marriage and start getting honest with you and himself.

Even if you were to split, he can assume a co parenting role, although it doesn't sound like he's doing much co parenting at present. Confused

It must have been an upsetting thing to read. Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2017 08:48

From now on, I'd be noting his movements, times working, away and in bed as well as time spent with the kids. Any concrete info to counter his assertions. Can you make a diary of his movements as far as possible especially for the weekends or any time he wasn't there for the past couple of months? Use this for tomorrow's session.

Original poster
Realitea · 04/05/2017 08:49

ILostitintheEarlyNinties that is exactly it. Everything seems to be my fault. He is perfect as far as he's concerned. its all about how I have to change.
ThumbWitches, I am keeping a timeline of what's happened it's all I can do really should this go further.

OP posts:
Figgygal · 04/05/2017 08:50

How old are your dc?

Original poster
Realitea · 04/05/2017 08:51

Good plan mummyoflittledragon. That would make him see just how much I do while he's not there or in bed

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2017 08:51

It's not good he's only writing about you. The idea of couples counselling is to talk about how you can both improve your communication and work together. Good luck for tomorrow Flowers

Original poster
Realitea · 04/05/2017 08:51

I don't like to say how old they are but one is under 7 ;)

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 04/05/2017 08:51

The book you need to make sense of what is going on is 'Why Does he Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft.

You can also buy and read 'Living With the Dominator' by Pat Craven. (On Kindle actually).

Your H is following a very typical script. Get ahead of the game and learn what you can expect him to come out with next.

Go and see a solicitor, gather as much financial information as you can, and gird your loins for divorce.

And keep a log of all the times when he was wrong and irresponsible wrt the children.

Forget about openness.
Your H is not going to be fair or honest with you. Snoop with a clear conscience.

All you can expect from him is exactly what Thumbwitch says. And I agree - it won't just be him.

You can expect a knock down-drag out fight. Be prepared. Thank whatever higher power you believe in that you found those notes.

Original poster
Realitea · 04/05/2017 08:52

I think it's because he's so defensive, he doesn't consider my points or see my side. That comes across as controlling. The counsellor is very good at recognising this though and will pull him up on stuff too

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2017 08:54

Ok cool. And also noting what you do whilst he's not there.

I would have been very dubious of flying off somewhere with a poorly child and wouldn't have let them go ice skating. Skating is cold and dangerous if you're ill.

mathanxiety · 04/05/2017 08:55

Wrt tomorrow's session - tread water. The counselling is not going to go anywhere anyway. He is most likely using the sessions as a means of making you look bad in the eyes of the counsellor, and gleaning information from you about the approach you will take in divorce proceedings. Try to look earnest but do not give anything away.

I would save your powder for the divorce. Do not bring up his hands off style of parenting until you have a good solid few months of examples, and you are talking to a judge.

BrianCantsPants · 04/05/2017 08:56

OP your previous thread about your coercive MIL said all it needed to about leaving your DC with her overnight. Your DC have said they don't want to be left there without you, you cannot agree with your DH about this just to appease his mother.
Please stick up for your DC, it's not about encouraging them to be less needy, it's about building trust with them so they know you have their backs at all times
Good luck with the counselling Flowers it doesn't work for everyone

Original poster
Realitea · 04/05/2017 08:56

I think he's using whatever he can to make me the bad one so he doesn't have to accept any responsibility. I really feel I've had enough now. I've tried and tried but he obviously has no love for me. He has other faults that i always over looked, I don't build up a massive case against him in my head like this.
Anyway I'd better get to work now, will check back later.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2017 08:56

Oh no math. That sounds so devious of him Sad. I hope not.

Wormulonian · 04/05/2017 08:56

When you arranged to go to couples counselling was it to save the relationship? Looks like he may want to use it to negotiate his exit. You could being this up at your next session (not say you saw his diary!) but ask what he sees as the purpose of the counselling?

Maybe he is trying to take control and being the "martyr" - only staying for the DC, you are isolating the DC etc he can then rationalise to others why he left - "I tried so hard, went to counselling, worried about the kids, worried about her parenting "etc no one wants to see themselves as the bad guy.

But what do you want Real? Do you want him to leave - is it the contact issues that are your main concern now?

Wormulonian · 04/05/2017 08:59

Sorry - I x posted with a lot of people.

As others have advised - get your financials and legals sorted - keep your powder dry. Detach and take back control by making your own plans

Original poster
Realitea · 04/05/2017 09:01

He said he was going to counselling to sort the situation out as he's had enough. He said if it doesn't work he will start the mediation process.
I said I was going, to try and get dh to have some more empathy and see my side of things and ultimately save our marriage.
When the counsellor asked if I wanted it to work out between us I said yes. He said it's just because of the children that he's with me. He then went back on that and said he wants us to be together.
After seeing his notes I think it's all a game he's playing

OP posts:
Original poster
Realitea · 04/05/2017 09:02

As soon as I said I'd had enough and wanted to leave too he backed down a LOT. That was yesterday. Maybe I made him realise he doesn't have all the power

OP posts:
Original poster
Realitea · 04/05/2017 09:02

I'm still so tempted to tell him I saw his notes and if that's what he thinks of me I'm off

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2017 09:05

I know it's incredibly tempting. But don't do that yet. Get your financials and photocopies of money held, shares his salary, mortgage etc. Use your upset and anger to gather this info.

Wormulonian · 04/05/2017 09:10

As soon as I said I'd had enough and wanted to leave too he backed down a LOT

That must have been a shock for him! You are right to not do the "pick me dance"

Do you still want him to stay? What would he have to do/change to make that happen? How long for etc

If you want him gone then start your exit plans.

ErnieAndBernie · 04/05/2017 09:12

Do not let on to your husband that you saw his notes. I've read a few of your other threads over time and he sounds very controlling as does his mother. Please take the advice you have been given here and get your financials quietly in order.
The note making on who does what and what happens when conflicts arise is a really good idea.
Personally I think you need to keep your cards close to your chest here and protect yourself as much as possible as when the shit hits the fan you need to be prepared and confident not scrabbling around and anxious.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/05/2017 09:17

NO nono - do NOT tell him you have seen his notes!! Keep that bit of info to yourself, but do take a copy of them (photo, or photocopy).
Learn to protect yourself by keeping your plans to yourself as much as you can - the more he knows about your thoughts and plans, the more he can plan himself to counteract them.
You need to play your cards close to your chest here, you really do.

rightsofwomen · 04/05/2017 09:19

It's called residency and unless there are safe guarding issues with the children then you do not need to fear you will lose them to him.

nocampinghere · 04/05/2017 09:25

You've had good advice here, please listen (and read the books the pp mentioned up thread)

Think "alsatian" not "terrier"!
stay cool, calm, collected. Now's the time to document evidence, financials etc. Get your thoughts together and you'll be ready when you need it. Don't be the little yappy terrier responding to every comment, snipping away. Be quieter, bigger, bolder.

Swipe left for the next trending thread