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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just found dh's diary and it's not good

102 replies

Realitea · 04/05/2017 07:54

Saw some notes in the back of his work diary. It says he wants to leave our marriage but feels he can't as he doesn't believe I would be a good enough mother to the children. He has to be here to 'over see' things. Apparently I'm too possessive and it's leading them to live a secluded life. And he has to make sure their diet and education are managed properly.
This is a man who does nothing but sleep, work and go away for weekends with friends. I do everything for the children. They always come first. He even moans if I ask him to just read them a bed time story! I'm a brilliant mum.
How can he be so deluded?
What do I do?
If I leave will he use weird tactics to get custody or whatever it's called now?

OP posts:

Original poster

Realitea · 04/05/2017 09:27

That's a relief rightsofwomen

OP posts:

ErnieAndBernie · 04/05/2017 09:36

nocampinghere I love the Alsatian and Terrier analogy. Thats totally what I am currently aiming for with my stbxh. Quieter, bigger, bolder. Bloody well absolutely

You have some good advice here op, please take it. Empower yourself with information. Good luck!

Original poster

Realitea · 04/05/2017 09:38

It was a very good analogy!

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scaryclown · 04/05/2017 09:43

I think it's not as bad as all that, sometimes when people are making sense if a situation they do a lot of projecting and confused thinking as things unravel..I suspect his 'i have to do everything' is probably more a reflection of your thoughts than his own, even if he doesn't know it. You might be both on the same page much more than you or he realise..

Original poster

Realitea · 04/05/2017 09:53

I do hope so scaryclown

OP posts:

nocampinghere · 04/05/2017 10:08

it helps me a lot.

Lynnm63 · 04/05/2017 10:10

I think you've approached counselling in good faith your dh maybe less so. I'd go to the next session, not mention the notes, be non commital but listen very carefully to what he says and how he says it.
Document everything maybe email yourself or an online diary password protected. Photocopy his notes, financials and save in an electronic form once again password protected.
I'd assume he's using counselling for nefarious purposes. If it were me I'd have been getting my escape route set up after the last thread. Consider finding this fortuitous and use it well.
Good luck.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/05/2017 10:16

As so often is the case in these situations, I will say this:
expect the worst, but hope for the best.
It sounds contradictory, but if you plan and expect for the worst, you can only be either validated or pleasantly surprised if it's not as bad as you thought.
Hoping for the best allows you room for mental wriggle when things do go better than you might have thought.
But never ever think that "he wouldn't do that" because you know what, 9/10 they still do and people are horrified that they do.
So work to the worst case scenario and enjoy the luxury of never being shocked.

Yogayear · 04/05/2017 10:30

It sounds as if be has checked out of the marriage but looking for reasons.I had a similar situation with stbxh, constant blaming and fault finding.
Horrible for you as you seem to be entering counselling positively.

I wouldn't worry about the notes, it's not likely his accusations would warrant any considerations..I hardly think a mum being cautious with her dc is cause for residency to change.

ItsNachoCheese · 04/05/2017 10:47

I thought your name sounded familiar then realised your the poster with the batshit mil. I hope that you and your dc are as okay as can be

Original poster

Realitea · 04/05/2017 13:39

Yeah it's me! I seem to be living on mumsnet at the moment. I'd be lost without all this support.

OP posts:

Luttrell · 04/05/2017 13:45

Sounds like he's going to Gone Girl you, making a fake diary about your 'dangerous' inadequacies to later present to a judge as 'evidence'.

Huskylover1 · 04/05/2017 13:53

This is a man who does nothing but sleep, work and go away for weekends with friends

Are you 100% sure he is with "friends"?

Original poster

Realitea · 04/05/2017 14:19

Yes, I know them too and know he's there. He goes away with his family too. I'm not worried about cheating.
I think it's more that he sees any kind of conflict as his need to attack and builds up this defence ready for it. His idea of counselling is getting me to see how unreasonable or crazy I am. I did pre warn the counsellor this would happen and she said not to worry, she'll be challenging him too.
I'm pleased to say I haven't let on that I saw his notes but I will be a lot more prepared tomorrow for what he throws at me.

OP posts:

shinynewusername · 04/05/2017 14:29

If you are in an abusive relationship, you should not be having counselling as a couple. It is dangerous for you as the one being controlled by a partner.

If you're not in an abusive relationship and genuinely want the marriage to continue, then coming on here and collecting lots of outraged comments from people who have only heard one side is going to completely undermine the counselling process.

I haven't read your other threads but, from what PPs have said, you probably need some 1:1 counselling to decide what you really want.

Original poster

Realitea · 04/05/2017 16:47

I spoke to the counsellor before we went and said I think it's emotional abuse but I don't know. she said she will discuss this with me 1:1. But we can't afford both couples and 1:1. Taking it in turns each work is dragging this out so much. I don't know if it really is abuse or just him being arrogant lazy and controlling.
I see your point about coming on here, I just need support. Not everyone has said stuff against him. I'm not looking for back up that's he's awful. If I hadn't posted this morning I probably would've confronted him by now and I'm glad I didn't. Maybe I should try not to use this as a crutch anymore.

OP posts:

Wormulonian · 04/05/2017 17:19

I don't know if it really is abuse or just him being arrogant lazy and controlling.

I would say that being arrogant, lazy and controlling is a pretty apt description of an emotional abuser.

You need to stop minimising his behaviour. It's hard because we can feel shame for putting up with being treated badly for so long - but your eyes are being opened. Take all opinions on board, read up on it and move forward putting yourself and your needs first

Original poster

Realitea · 04/05/2017 17:51

Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

Realitea · 04/05/2017 17:52

I do need to start seeing it for it is and stop minimising it

OP posts:

Batghee · 04/05/2017 17:57

I really dont think you should have read his diary thats incredibly invasive. It sounds like he was just writing down his thoughts to work through them. Everyone needs space to do that without being judged. He obviously didnt want to speak about these thoughts with you because of how you might react which is understandable based on how you are reacting now.
I would be livid if my partner read my private thoughts. It would be different if this was something he was saying to someone else but its not it was just for him to work through himself.
Try and see that although you feel his thoughts are unfair he has a right to have them and try and work through them in private. What is more unfair is you thinking that you have a right to be party to his every thought. You wont get very far in saving your marriage if you act that invasive and controlling.

Batghee · 04/05/2017 18:01

I also think that if you feel he is emotionally abusing you then you should just leave him.
Dont stoop to his level though, because looking through his private diary is behaving as badly as you feel he is. You will get locked into a situation where you are both being awful to each other.

WhooooAmI24601 · 04/05/2017 18:08

Bat it's ok saying you should just leave him. Things like that work out well in films where the single parent inevitably meets someone gloriously handsome and everything falls into place. In this instance, Realitea faces the very real possibility that her possibly abusive DH would try to seek residency of their DC by using the notes and counselling and attitude he has towards her as evidence of her inability to cope. He has form for undermining her, his family have form for undermining her. As a wife and a Mother, I doubt there's much more terrifying in the world than fearing you could lose not only your marriage and your partner but also your DC.

d270r0 · 04/05/2017 18:14

I'm sorry but those notes look to me like hes filing for divorce and wants custody of the children, and is making up reasons why he should get them.

BarryKwipkee · 04/05/2017 18:16

Sounds like 'evidence' collecting to me.

My x was a blamer. It grinds you down.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 04/05/2017 18:17

It's unlikely that being protective of your children would result in losing custody. There would need to be a safe guarding issue to remove the children from their mother I would think.

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