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Original poster

My birthday or uncles funeral...

251 replies

Mayaa6 · 02/05/2017 12:46

Right..I'm asking for some advice as feeling quite miserable but not sure if I'm overreacting/unreasonable/selfish.

I have been with my partner for 4 years, we have a one year old son together. We have had some issues (and we have been attending couples therapy for those) but I generally think he cares about me and our son.

My birthday is coming up next week and except last year (our boy was few weeks old and I was exhausted) he usually planned something special for us to do together.

He found out last week that his uncle died. He has never been in touch with this uncle while we were together..
He found out today that the funeral is on my birthday.
It's 4.5 hours drive to the funeral so if he goes he will be away for 1 or 2 nights.

He called and told me "he has a difficult decision to make" - so he hasn't decided yet to leave me with our boy and bugger off to a funeral of an uncle he had no contact with for years.
He is saying he wants to attend as representative of his mother (she is dead) as his sister who lives close by is away on holidays.

I feel it shouldn't be a "difficult decision" at all and I'm feeling hurt he is seriously considering it.

Do I sound unreasonable?

OP posts:
bigbuttons · 02/05/2017 16:32

The thread turned into something it wasn't intended to? How did you see it panning out then?

loobyloo1234 · 02/05/2017 16:35

Love these threads Grin

I'm not BU am I?
Yes you are
Drip feed - and this is why I am not BU?
Yes you are still BU OP
But I'm not

Here you go anyway OP - seeing as no one else has given you one Biscuit

PS hope he LTB and takes his daughter with him

Lelloteddy · 02/05/2017 16:37

I'm not sure there is much point in you continuing therapy.
But I'd say your DP already has the measure of you given how he approached this in the first place. You clearly have form for being totally self centred and immature.

GahBuggerit · 02/05/2017 16:38

Im gobsmacked. You sound utterly dreadful, even with the drip feeds.

Just imagine if he said "I cant make it to Uncles funeral, its Mayas birthday and shes already booked the day off work so I can make it special for her". I cringed just even typing that imagine how he'd feel having to speak those words out loud, to other actual people?

Twinkie1 · 02/05/2017 16:40

Can't believe anyone would be so fucking inconsiderate to up and die and then have the audacity to be buried in your Birthday!

I mean did no one think of you??????

MyUsernameIsInvalid · 02/05/2017 16:49

Your husband needs to man up and put the daughter in her place if she's being disruptive, but you're being unreasonable.

He's got you pulling in one direction, his daughter pulling in another, life in general to deal with. So I reckon he's going through more than you.

Try some empathy.

FeralBeryl · 02/05/2017 17:00

Your poor, poor DH Shock
Not only has he got a teen with issues and possibly been abused, he's also got a family member dead who he can't freely pay his respects to.
Wtf were you doing getting into a relationship with a father with views like yours? Yes teens are hard - but would you rather she had stayed with her mother given what's going on? I'd be interested to know...

OnionKnight · 02/05/2017 17:16

I hope he LTB.

MrsCobain · 02/05/2017 18:17

You sound very immature and selfish.

Crumbs1 · 02/05/2017 18:20

So sad. Sad for your partner who must feel torn and is if he has to continually choose between his daughter and his partner who sounds jealous and begrudging of the child (yes, she is a child).
Sad for the daughter who will know her father's partner doesn't want her to be a part of the family.
Sad for you as you want an idealised version of family - adoring partner who puts you on a fluffy pedestal, a happy family of three with smiley little child but not stroppy teenager, lots of forced celebration of mummy's birthday. It's just not real life.
Taking a day off work for your birthday? Really? Sending a child away from the family in the holidays? Stamping feet and having a tantrum over attendance at a funeral?
Are you much younger than your partner? Are you totally insecure in your adult life? It feels likr you need to stop and look objectively at what you are saying instead of spinning a truly egocentric line.

chipsandpeas · 02/05/2017 18:22

if you didnt want the daughter involved you shuldnt have got involved with a man with a kid
what if the ex wife died, then you still wouldnt have no choice but to have the kid living with youm, unless you are some heartles bitch who stopped it

maybe you should both call it a day your resentment is coming over and im sure his daughter knows it

JK1773 · 02/05/2017 18:26

No wonder his poor daughter has issues if she's had a crap time with her mum and now she has to live somewhere presumably she knows she's not wanted by you. Poor girl. I think you should have never embarked on this relationship at all. Your DH is a father and that will always be his priority, over and above you! A long way over and above you!! I think YABVVVVVVU, just horrible

SparklyMagpie · 02/05/2017 19:26

It's a shame he can't take his daughter with him, as I'd encourage him to stay there

FrancisCrawford · 02/05/2017 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MysweetAudrina · 02/05/2017 19:45

My sd aged 22 moved back in with us last year. I have 2 younger children with my dh. It wasn't part of the deal but I gave her the biggest room in the house and told her I didn't expect a financial contribution from her while she finishes college even though she works too. It's what you do when you're a family you don't get to pick and choose only the good bits. Be a good step mother to her and watch her change. Treat her they way you would expect your ds to be treated. It sounds like you are jealous of her relationship with dh and are more annoyed that he is sorting a holiday for her even though it just makes sense for him to do it while he is there. Sure won't you get a break while she's on holiday.

Ditsy1980 · 02/05/2017 19:45

I found it very telling OP in an earlier post you said something about looking after "his daughter and my son". Not "OUR" son. The world really does revolve around you.
Your DP should be on here asking how to leave his narcissistic controlling wife!

Bant · 02/05/2017 19:53

Well I, for one, completely think you're being reasonable, Maya

Nah, just kidding.

You sound like the wicked stepmother from fairytales.

Offred · 02/05/2017 20:00

I'm sorry that things have been miserable in your relationship but yes, I agree, on this issue YABVU.

Offred · 02/05/2017 20:06

And TBH, as others have said, YABVU re his daughter. It was not very realistic to expect his daughter to never live with him while you are his partner and of course she is going to try and split you up after that!

Maybe you could think about how your son will feel in the future if you and dp split up, history repeats and he, again, moves in with someone who won't allow him to be a proper father.

Offred · 02/05/2017 20:07

I mean come on! You actually gave an ultimatum to choose between you and his daughter! If you didn't want to be his daughter's step mum I can't understand why on earth you moved in with him and had a baby!

LifeGame · 02/05/2017 20:08

I have never understood why adults get so childish about their birthdays Confused

JustAnotherPoster00 · 02/05/2017 20:11

BINGO!!!!!

Astro55 · 02/05/2017 20:17

My nearly 15 year old is no trouble - as long as there's wifi and food ...

Birthdays aren't a big deal - arrange a few friends to pop over for some wine etc

You seem to want to be centre of the universe but life's not like that

Sorry you are VVU

Garlicansapphire · 02/05/2017 20:30

I would dump anyone who tried to make me choose between my family - dead or alive, old or young and them. And anyone who didn't regard our home as my children's home would not be for me.

There is no deal on earth I would ever do with anyone that would make me resist giving my child a roof over their head. And that would apply my whole life long.

MyUsernameIsInvalid · 02/05/2017 21:54

Well, I think that's the last we hear from her. After 8pages of being told you're unreasonable, I can't see why anyone would want to come back.

Granted, she was being unreasonable. But let's not focus on that.

I'd like to know what happens, but as I say, I feel we never will now, which is a shame.

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