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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My birthday or uncles funeral...

251 replies

Mayaa6 · 02/05/2017 12:46

Right..I'm asking for some advice as feeling quite miserable but not sure if I'm overreacting/unreasonable/selfish.

I have been with my partner for 4 years, we have a one year old son together. We have had some issues (and we have been attending couples therapy for those) but I generally think he cares about me and our son.

My birthday is coming up next week and except last year (our boy was few weeks old and I was exhausted) he usually planned something special for us to do together.

He found out last week that his uncle died. He has never been in touch with this uncle while we were together..
He found out today that the funeral is on my birthday.
It's 4.5 hours drive to the funeral so if he goes he will be away for 1 or 2 nights.

He called and told me "he has a difficult decision to make" - so he hasn't decided yet to leave me with our boy and bugger off to a funeral of an uncle he had no contact with for years.
He is saying he wants to attend as representative of his mother (she is dead) as his sister who lives close by is away on holidays.

I feel it shouldn't be a "difficult decision" at all and I'm feeling hurt he is seriously considering it.

Do I sound unreasonable?

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 02/05/2017 15:23

No matter what you say about your relationship or his daughter, nothing justifies him missing the funeral because you're annoyed he puts you first rarely.

If you're bringing up his DD as a step mother figure, and living as a family, of course he expects you to care for her. There's no one else!

ExplodedCloud · 02/05/2017 15:25

It's all gone a bit MN Bingo...

DioneTheDiabolist · 02/05/2017 15:26

OP, your and his lives have changed completely in the last year and it would be difficult for any couple, so I am glad that you are in couple's counselling.

YABU about him attending the funeral. Tell him to go and arrange your birthday treat for another time. You say he is planning a holiday with his cousin for his DD. Why is this a bad thing?

Goingtobeawesome · 02/05/2017 15:26

I've just read your last post. Why are you staying with this man when you're so pissed off with him? And don't say for the sake of your baby as that's not fair on him and a stupid thing to do. Just split. Will be best for your dh, his DD and the baby.

SnackSnackEatAndCrave · 02/05/2017 15:28

Agree with PP who says it's no wonder you two are in therapy!
Yes, teenagers can be horrible. No, it's not nice to be alone on your birthday. But children and family funerals are way more important than both of those things.
You want to be his priority, but the fact he's still with you actually makes me think you are and he must be head over heels in love because you sound dreadful.

TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin · 02/05/2017 15:29

Op is BU

But gotta laugh at the people berating her for sounding nasty. While being totally nasty.

SparklyMagpie · 02/05/2017 15:40

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P1nkP0ppy · 02/05/2017 15:46

I bet the DD thinks you're a bundle of joy, not!
It's so clear you resent not being Queen Bee that I wonder why you stay in the relationship.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 02/05/2017 15:48

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PornSamMartini · 02/05/2017 15:50

YABVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU.

mamabluestar · 02/05/2017 15:54

Wow just wow!! It was bad enough to read that you didnt want your dp to go to a relatives funeral because it's your birthday. To go on to read your spiteful reasoning about his daughter is abhorrent - she is a child and you are supposed to be an adult.

Your relationship is doomed if you continue to behave this way.

Helenluvsrob · 02/05/2017 15:54

How old Are you op, seven? That's about when my kids cared about celebrating birthdays on the " actual real day". We've always moved celebrations of birthdays to the weekend etc

Go and support him at the funeral ffs. I assume you've not lost a family member yet ?

notangelinajolie · 02/05/2017 15:55

Sounds like the only difficult part of his decision was deciding how he was going to tell you. It is right and correct that he goes to his uncles funeral - regardless of how many times he has seen his uncle over the years, he wants to the right thing and represent his mother/family. This is important to him so you should stop being precious and support him. You have many more birthdays to come, his poor uncle doesn't.

Charlie97 · 02/05/2017 15:59

D R I P
D R I P
D R I P

Original poster
Mayaa6 · 02/05/2017 16:05

Ehh..

I really appreciate all the judgment I got..truly very helpful...

I could list everything I have done for his daughter and our relationship but don't think there is any point. If somebody hasn't lived through a similar situation they will just go with their moral outrage and insults at the stepmother..it's the easiest I think..

I will encourage my partner to go to the funeral. This thread has developed into someting it wasn't intended to.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 02/05/2017 16:08

If you and his dd cannot live together happily then you should split up because it sounds a toxic atmosphere and you sound very jealous of a child. She's unhappy and unloved by people who should be caring for her and giving her all the help she needs.

I'm sure we all know that unhappy teens can be vile but you are the adult and an adult who is in a relationship with a man with two children. He is to be admired for trying to do right by her. Use your therapy to decide if you can be the adult she needs you to be or not.

Redglitter · 02/05/2017 16:09

I've never (thankfully) known an adult make such a bloody fuss about a birthday.

Underthemoonlight · 02/05/2017 16:13

There is no need for the contempt you have shown this girl, to actually say you would never want his dd in your home to live but limited to twice a week prior speaks volumes , your clearly not cut out for this and TBH you need to reevaluate your own attitudes towards things.

contrary13 · 02/05/2017 16:16

How old are you, OP? Presumably old enough to understand the concept of family, because you have a partner and a child. Your partner's uncle was a part of his family - his dead mother's brother. He was also your child's great-uncle. Your birthday can be celebrated another day, surely? Your child's great-uncle can only have one funeral. One chance for the remaining members of his biological family (even those estranged from him) to re-establish contact/cement their closeness.

So yes, YABVU, I'm afraid.

notomatoes · 02/05/2017 16:19

I could list everything I have done for his daughter and our relationship but don't think there is any point.

Nope. Your attitude towards her is more than clear.

For what it is worth, I have been through similar. I was the child. I no longer have a relationship with my dad and siblings because of it. Keep going the way you are. Maybe you'll have the same happy ending my step mother had.

MyUsernameIsInvalid · 02/05/2017 16:20

I almost feel this cannot be serious. A relative of his has died. And you think your birthday comes above it?

Hahahahahahahahahaha sorry but that is hilarious.

The only reason it's difficult for him is because he obviously knows you're unempathetic and will prob get cob-on.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 02/05/2017 16:24

somebody hasn't lived through a similar situation they will just go with their moral outrage and insults at the stepmother..it's the easiest I think

Step mothers have been getting a hard time on MN since the day dot and it is posters like you who give us a bad name.

Wondermoomin · 02/05/2017 16:25

Mayaa6, lots of people have "lived through" being a step parent, lots of people have endured some very difficult times in doing so. Most people realise that they're the adult in the "step" relationship. You don't seem to. Most people realise that they should never make their partner "do a deal" whereby they can only have their child to stay 2 nights a week and at holidays; that they should never make their partner relegate their children from previous relationships. Again, you don't seem to realise all this.

Can you imagine what would be said if a woman came on here saying that her (male) partner was trying to prevent her from going to a family funeral, trying to prevent her from having her child from a previous relationship to live with her, and so on?

It's quite right that you're getting your ass handed to you on a plate, take a long hard look at yourself!!

Gazelda · 02/05/2017 16:25

OP, it sounds as though your relationship has had struggles you hadn't anticipated. But I'm afraid that's life, many of us have something hit out of the blue which changes everything.
Your SD sounds unhappy, your DP sounds 'stuck in the middle', you sound resentful.
So what are you going to do about it?
But going back to the original question, YABU. If you were a grieving relative, would you appreciate a call from the deceased's nephew to say he couldn't come to the funeral after all because it was his partner's birthday and she wanted him home with her?

paulapantsdown · 02/05/2017 16:31

You sound like the 15 year old here. No wonder you are in couples therapy.