How do you deal with a Narc Husband?

[minicheddars17]

Just had a massive argument with my narc DH. He is in the wrong but just won't and can't admit and it is pushing it all onto me.
I have stormed out and really want to send him this article. I have called him a narc before but he always denies it
thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissist-blames-you/
Do you think there's any point me sending it? Is a Narc likely to read it? Do they ever realise they are a Narc or are they always in a constant state of denial?

Divorce

Nope. Zero possibility of it doing any benefit whatsoever.

do narcissists know they are narcissists

Also, here's what a study of narcs discovered:
"Narcissists aren't afraid to tell you they're narcissists," said study co-author Brad Bushman, a communications and psychology professor at The Ohio State University. "They're not embarrassed about it at all."

You cannot ever "win" with a narc if you have them in your life. You deal with them by removing yourself as far far away as possible.

No point at all.If you cant persuade your H to talk to you I can't see how an article will be a lightbulb moment.

Rather than focus on him being wrong try to focus on what you want..an apology or to make amends.

What started the argument?

Are you a narcissistic extension?

RunRabbit, thanks for article. It just made me cry as every word is true
The argument was about something so petty and pointless that I can't even be bothered to type about it!
I feel like I've just been hit with a realisation stick.
Divorce seems a bit extreme.
I've always hated it when people give up on a marriage so easily.
Can Narcs ever change? Anyone got any positive Narc stories?! Probably not!

Probably not

Yup

Never ever ever. Almost 7 years post narc ex and it's the best thing I ever did.

And let me tell you this, he even went to therapy as he sort of knew something wasn't right but it didn't help.

His therapist told me to run and don't look back. I did.

If you have a personality disorder (like narcissism) it is not possible to change this any more than it would be possible to stop having dyslexia (not comparing dyslexia to a PD, just saying that they are both "uncurable")
If the individual is motivated and has professional support, it may be possible to manage / minimise the effects of that PD on themselves and the people around them.
The problem is that narcissists have almost zero motivation to change. They tend to think there's nothing wrong with the way they are -- in fact they are often rather proud of themselves.
So you are wasting your time trying to get a narcissist to change. Often people think "if only I could just get them to see how their behaviour makes me feel they would stop" You need to let go of this thought. The narcissists doesn't really care how you feel and doesn't want to stop.
TL:DR :if you're with a narcissist, run away.

You divorce them.

I divorced mine. I also resent the comment 'give up so easily'. I stayed over twenty years until I was a shell of myself as I didn't want to give up. The final straw was being blamed for him having OW.

They don't change, they simply adapt to their surroundings and needs at the time. As I'm sure the OW is slowly finding out.

I don't know if they ever 'change' but tbh I value my sanity too much to even want to find out. Too risky.

Thanks for the advice
Chuckle - we haven't even been married 2 years yet so that's all I meant by that comment. It just seems so soon to throw in the towel IYKWIM. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I wish I had thought about this more before getting married. You deserve a medal for being married to a narc for 20 years!

Nobody deserves a medal and nobody is giving medals out anyway.

Count yourself lucky that he revealed himself to you in such a short time and cut your losses.

There is no point in showing him your article. You will not be able to fix him.

Focus on your own future and how to disentangle yourself from him.

I wish I'd listened to my gut. Two years is a long time too. One day to too long with a narc.

I'm now left with the guilt of choosing ex as the parent of my kids. They are stuck with a narc. The younger they were he was fine. But my eldest is beginning to see him for what he is and have her own opinions on how he should treat people.

I can see the same pattern starting with her, the charm, the guilt, slight digs and then a smile. It's heart breaking to watch. DC have a key worker at school who actually focuses on empowering them to deal with their dad. They will not end up like me.
Do you have DC?

I was in a relationship with a narc for 4 years. Didn't realise he was one (i.e. wasn't really sure what a narcissist was) until after. Luckily I recovered but the relationship left me fairly traumatised for a while after. I shudder when I look back now. Get out...

Chuckle, that's really sad that your kids are involved. Can I ask, when you were married, did your family and friends see him for his true colours? My family and friends adore DH and think he's perfect for me, which makes it really hard to talk about this in RL with anyone.
We don't have kids but we are meant to be starting TTC. Im 35 and in my head this is my last chance to be a mum really, with him. I can't imagine how I could meet someone new and have kids with them in such a short space of time, before my biological clock takes over.

"nobody is giving medals" - this is a great comment. You might spend the next decades being a saint and a poor victim in everyone's eyes, but you'll wake up one day rejected, a lot older, with fewer options, and a shell of your former self. And no-once will give a shit.

If he is truly a narc, he will probably enjoy rejecting you when you are a "spent force".

Leave, have a family with a person who knows you exist

You LTB
You sure as hell don't start TTC with them!
Terrible fucking idea

OP if you want DC's and you're worried about time running out there are other options open to you than choosing to stay with a narc.

I was 20 years with a narc and had a DC with him. I am still in therapy years after getting away from him.

Yep did 20 years with diagnosed ( only recently)narc exh. ...sucked life out of me. Can see i spent 20 years trying to be everything to him...not returned obviously. The dc's came along that's when I realised he couldnt deal with the competition. Mind you to my shame I really fought for him. ...now 5 years later am glad to be free. Leave..don't look back

My immediate family now see him for what he is, but this is only after seing his true self in action. My DM admitted a few weeks ago she still struggles to put the two people together. The loving husband and father he played so well in public with the narc controlling and abusive person he was in private to me.

I hid it well, I was ashamed and didn't ask for help. I perpetuated the lie and I wish with all my heart I had spoken to someone in real life who could of helped me.

We got together very young, he became my normal and I knew no better.

His family will never see him for how he is. They think I was cruel when I stopped him having visits with the children in my house. They don't know he stole the TV, the DC's x box and read my personal mail. It tthey do know they choose to ignore.

It doesn't matter what other people think of your relationship. All that matters is what you think.

If you feel so sad now imagine being in exactly the same position in five years. You're so young, time for a wonderful relationship, children, happiness

Please don't stay through the fear of the unknown. My Unknown has turned out to be so much better than I ever imagined. I reconnected with family and friends, I'm happy.

But because I chose to have a family with him he will ALWAYS be in our life and that's a very sobering thought.

Please don't have kids with him, run and cut all ties!

I stayed with my narc exh for many years thinking that I'd be the one that could change him and not wanting to give up on the sanctity of marriage- like most people I believe marriage is for life. We had 6 months where he sobbed and promised to change, counselling etc after I first said I wanted a divorce and I naively thought it would all be fine. Of course the novelty of being a normal decent guy wore off and he reverted to the moody controlling arse he'd been for so long. He's been out of the house almost 2 years, divorced finalised a year ago. Fortunately we never had our DCs together so I don't have to have contact with him.
I look back at my years with him with a mixture of horror and disbelief at how much crap I put up with. My sanity is restored and I can see that ending my marriage was not a failure, it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.
There are many threads by women on MN that have been through this, and reading some of them made me realise just how far from normal my life had become. If you're thinking oh but... look up 'sunk costs fallacy' and 'boiling frog analogy'. Can't link from here but they really hit home for me.

Oh, and my mother still thinks he's wonderful and cannot understand why I left. The fact she's a narc herself might have something to do with it... Most people only ever saw the nice act but those really close saw glimpses of the nightmare and were horrified.

There is absolutely nothing you can do.

No amount of effort on your part will change him. You either submit totally to him and lose every little bit of yourself until you are a shell, at which point he will discard you anyway.

Or, you run.

I would, and have, run.

There are narcs in my family and sTBXHs family. I think my sTBXH suffers from borderline personality disorder.

The comment about being tied for life if you have kids is spot on. My DD is 13 now and he's doing to her what he did to me. In our case it's poor me and emotional manipulation and I fucking hate him for it. She bleeds compassion so I worry about him sucking her dry. I try to build her up without slagging him off and it's bloody difficult

So yes, the guilt of choosing a vampire father for my dcs is sometimes overwhelming. Please don't have kids with him.