How do you deal with a Narc Husband?

[minicheddars17]

Just had a massive argument with my narc DH. He is in the wrong but just won't and can't admit and it is pushing it all onto me.
I have stormed out and really want to send him this article. I have called him a narc before but he always denies it
thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissist-blames-you/
Do you think there's any point me sending it? Is a Narc likely to read it? Do they ever realise they are a Narc or are they always in a constant state of denial?

I'm relieved to have found this thread. Sorry for all of you that are dealing with this, but reading your words makes me feel less alone and accept that there isn't much i can do.

Ex has a bpd diagnosis. It's been a 16 year battle, though we split 14 years ago. I have facilitated the childrens relationship with their father and feel tremendous guilt for doing so. I wished i'd just backed off years ago.

My eldest now has mental health issues and is refusing to see his father. My youngest is afraid to see him because of his moods about eldest.

I'm afraid i fucking lost the plot with him the other day. We haven't spoken for over 6 months as i am "bad for his mental health" basically because i asked him for maintenance, but he now wants me to help him sort problems with the children.

I've told him i will no longer communicate with him unless in an emergency. He told me i was selfish.

slim - has he been seeing the youngest in the 6 months then? What problems does he want help with?
Re: his comments about you being bad for his me natal health - sounds like projection to me. I would guess you're anything but those things

Both have been seeing him in last 6 months. It's the last few weeks that the eldest has stopped wanting to see him.

He wants us to discuss the situation with the children. I've told him it's between him and them, that i'll support the children but am not willing to talk to him. I have talked to the children, have encouraged them to be honest about their feelings, held their hands as they've sent very courageous texts, held them as they've cried after he's guilt tripped them. They're finally finding courage to say no. It's what teens do, right? That's where the recent problems are coming from.

My instinct as a mother is to protect them and try to make it better, experience tells me he won't listen to a word i say and will turn on me for not buying his narrative. And sadly, i believe that the children have to get to this point with their father, it's not something i can trouble shoot, i can only comfort and support them during the fall out and emphasise what is unreasonable.

Slim- mine guilt trips our eldest but the youngest has none if it. They're both totally different characters. DD (eldest) is a people pleaser, DS is most defo not and him and STBXH clash all the time, it's draining. I don't want to bad mouth their Dad but at the same time I need to protect them. It's like being torn in two.

He wants to talk it over with you to get his own party at. He wants the chink in your armour. I am still stuck living here for now but not much longer. I try and avoid ANY conversation with him as it feels like he's ripping the soul out of me when he talks.

Own party ? To get his own way, to use you as control over his kids.

I'm afraid i laughed at him when he told me i was selfish. I honestly don't know if he can see that his behaviour is wrong. He himself volunteered information on one of the guilt trips he'd laid on the eldest - in fact the one which made eldest stop visiting. When i pulled him up about it on the phone, he was quite stumped and said he'd maybe used the wrong words, but didn't see the essence of the problem.

I think the thing about me having a negative impact on his mental health is true - because i don't pander to his shite, let him rewrite history or buy his narrative. It makes him feel very out of control and in the past he would bombard me with hand wringing texts and emails trying to persuade me he was a good person who has been through so much. He is tormented by the idea of people not seeing him as the hard working super dad he clearly is.

God your last paragraph could have been written by me!!!! He won't ever accept your thoughts and opinions. I don't agree that you're bad for his MH because you call him out. Just because it upsets his equilibrium doesn't mean it's bad for him. Having said that, it doesn't really change anything; he won't accept it.

I wouldn't dare laugh at my STBXH, not now I know what I know. If I did challenge him now, I'd do it from a long distance and give him loads of time to calm down

I couldn't help it. His selfishness has been pretty boundless at times over the years, so to accuse me of being selfish because i wouldn't help him actually made me burst out laughing.

I spent yesterday feeling very upset and anxious but i gave myself a talking to and reminded myself of some of the things he's said and done over the years and i'm back on track. To name a few:

Told me i had the privilege of having the children most of the time, so he should have the privilege of doing what he wanted when he wanted and shouldn't have to fit things around the children

Threatened to report me to social services when i went to the basement of our building to use the laundry and left a then 7 and 6 year old in the flat.

Didn't contact for almost a month after he was pissed off with something i said. I gave in and called him because the children were devastated and asking why he didn't love them.

Told me i was a fucking fool and asked if i was on my fucking period when i told him it was up to him to arrange his family's contact with the children.

Took me to the CSA when i asked for £50 per week. They told him he had to pay £55.

Threatened to only take the children after school and never keep them over night so i couldn't have a social life.

Told me him and his new wife did their best to help me out and give me a bit of a break.

Told me his wife, mother and sister were willing to take the kids for dinner each week so he didn't have to pay maintenance.

Refused to give me money he owed me directly, instead saying he'd pay it to the children.

Told me and his whole family i was fucking mental. I believed him for years.

So yeah. Total cunt.

Horrid. He will be perfectly within his rights though, in his mind.

So many similarities.
Dawn. I have PTSD, dd, as you know is also in a pickle. However, we both know that we're better off without him. Dd1 was here at the weekend and supports me too. In fact all four of them tell me I did the right thing. And yet when they visit (they're adults) it's all about him...

slim The amount of times I was told that I was re-writing the narrative. I was gaslighted so often I'd ring my oldest at work and ask if it was me. To which he replied of course not. I waited hand and foot for over 20 years. I watched my lively, intelligent personality drip slowly away and then watched as he either modelled the children in his image or eroded their personalities too. I was/am still a shell. I still do things I've been conditioned to do, but am breaking some of them slowly, although the kitchen is still spotless before I've had my coffee in case he gets up and comes downstairs early. He hasn't been here six months, but it's that ingrained. Ds made a noise upstairs the other day, dd and I both leapt up, she started tidying I went to put the kettle on. Ds has a coffee as soon as he appears in the mornings despite him telling me every morning for six months that he's quite capable of getting his own coffee. As I say though, Dawn, it does get better. We go out and there's no one to interrogate us when we get back. Or to sulk because they couldn't get out. We don't have bets on whether he's up or what sort of mood he's in anymore. We're still training me not to rush round supermarkets, but getting there. We even have coffee out sometimes. I only cook one meal and I know it's not going to be rejected. I can watch crap on the television if I want or go to bed at nine o clock or two o clock should I choose, I do. I have choices that I've never had before. I quite like that.

Reading all your stories is so insightful and has been the realisation I needed.
Last night was the final straw for me I think. We had friends over for dinner and DH berated me all night putting down everything I said and bringing up some very personal points about me I didn't want our friends to know. He also embarrassed me by claiming things I said weren't true, when they 100% were, it's like he has a different memory to me completely. When I asked him to stop he just carried on embarrassing me further. I could see how uncomfortable out friends were.
I've avoided him all day today, really dislike him and can't even be bothered to bring this up as he will either deny or turn it around on me. There's literally no point arguing with him as he will never ever apologise or admit he's in the wrong, he'll just bring up loads of irrelevant bad points about me that have nothing to do with the argument in question.
How I have got myself into this mess?! I didn't even know what a Narc was when I married him, wish I had have known about Mumsnet before

Don't blame yourself. No-one realises it when they first get together with them, otherwise you wouldn't have got together with them in the first place.

You're right, he won't accept thaf he's wrong, he'll make it you're fault and make the unreasonable sound reasonable. It'll confuse the hell out of you and make it impossible to think straight.

So. What's next? You need to get out of there before a) your mental health really suffers and b) you end up pregnant.

How quickly & easily can you leave?

I moved to his town and don't have any family nearby. I don't have any friends locally with spare rooms.
I work nearby in a job I love so need to stay in this area. I don't have any savings as everything has gone into our wedding and house.
I don't feel like I'm ready just to pack up and leave right away, and don't have the means to do that anyway. I am going to book myself into a counselling session to get my head around it. I'm also meeting a RL friend tomorrow night for dinner who I love to bits and will confide in about my situation, which might make it feel a lot more real and help me decide what to do

Take good care of yourself and do not get pregnant!!!

Mini don't berate yourself. None of us knew!! The thing now is to get some counselling and make plans to leave and divorce. You deserve someone better than this shell of a human.

Honestly you can't believe the relief and happiness you feel after you are free of a narc. In the meantime, take good care, try not to engage too much (there is no point) and keep posting if it helps xxx

Thanks!

I'm just doing some reading up on Narcs as I guess I've only self diagnosed him.
From this list of 20 signs I have listed the ones that apply to him and the ones that don't.
m.huffpost.com/us/entry/9132548

Do they have to be all those things to be a Narc?

Things he is

1. He was extremely likable when you first met.
*2. He takes his time, but will eventually show his true colors.

1. He is his favorite subject to talk about.
2. He settles for nothing but the best.
3. His needs are the most important.
4. He takes but he rarely gives in return.

11. He lacks empathy for others. 12. He believes he’s superior to EVERYONE 13. He is always right, just ask him! 14. He is hyper-sensitive to criticism. 16. He feels good about himself by belittling others. 17. He never takes responsibility for anything. 19. He is a manipulator to the umpth degree. 20. Unlike you, he is unaware that he has a personality disorder. * Things he isn't *

1. He knows important people and likes to name drop*

*6. He spends a lot of time on his appearance.

1. He loves showing off on social media.

10. He takes EVERYTHING personally. 15. He is a drama queen. 18. He’s a major control freak.

That's exactly what I thought, how on earth did I get here? My ex appeared to adore me (idealise phase), once we married the devalue phase started.I left him before he discarded but am sure that would have happened.

I had a similar experience when h was so contemptuous about him in front of friends.He however looked the foolish one.
I stayed another few months but it was the beginning of the end as I realised he had moved started to publicly berate me.

• about me in front of friends.

• about me in front of friends.

I wish we all had a list with all the narc men out there so we could check before we got involved with them!

Obviously he doesn't have to tick every box! He ticks a lot of them, though, doesn't he?!

Even if he doesn't qualify why on earth would you want to stay with someone that awful????

You don't need a reason to leave other than you are unhappy and he is destroying you

Diagnosing him will do almost nothing for you.

Diagnosing yourself can do a lot for you.

The partners of extremely selfishness people (narc, addict, abuser whatever) tend to have extreme codependency traits.

Here's the diagnostic quiz you actually need:

Are you codependent