How do you deal with a Narc Husband?

[minicheddars17]

Just had a massive argument with my narc DH. He is in the wrong but just won't and can't admit and it is pushing it all onto me.
I have stormed out and really want to send him this article. I have called him a narc before but he always denies it
thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissist-blames-you/
Do you think there's any point me sending it? Is a Narc likely to read it? Do they ever realise they are a Narc or are they always in a constant state of denial?

I second RunRabbit's post there, and please do the co-dependent quiz.

Your H is a major control freak, btw, or he wouldn't have humiliated you in front of your dinner guests and you most likely wouldn't be living far away from your family or friends. Also, the reason you never get an apology or even an acknowledgement that your memory is accurate is that he takes everything completely personally - every single criticism or challenge to his behaviour by you is seen by him as the occasion of a fight to the death. (#10 and #14 are the same trait)

Thanks for the quiz RunRabbit.
I fell into the healthy category which was nice to see. I don't think it's me that encourages it, he is like this with his brother too, and his Mum. His Mum worships him and plays to it whilst me and his brother challenge it. His brother has definitely distanced himself from him.

He's like a different person around friends though, so chilled out, although he doesn't really have a 'best friend' and no one he would do anything with other than drink and watch football.
Thinking about it, he's been like this with his brother and mum since we met, and only used to show very small tendencies at the start of our relationship towards me, which are becoming more and more frequent now.
It is really hard as when he's not being a Narc he's very loving and we are very happy. It's like he can switch it on or off. He's in loving mode at the moment, but that's probably because I'm being off with him.
I have read all of your stories and it sounds like he will get a lot worse if we had a child (which I'm now definitely not thinking about anymore)
Do you think I should bring this up with his Brother? They both had a traumatic event happen to them in their teens so although his Brother has distanced himself, they are very bonded through this event and I know his brother loves him deeply. I just feel it would be nice to hear how DH is from someone else who experiences it too.

As, I'm sure most of us are guilty of, I am questioning whether it's me exaggerating his Narc symptoms and maybe he's just a bit of an arse (which if that was the case we could potentially resolve with some counselling)
Im clutching at straws I know. But at the end of the day I love him and married him for better and worse, so want to explore all avenues before committing to the big D

mini

His brother was also raised within that dysfunctional family dynamic and he is probably the family scapegoat. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles. It may be worth talking to him but he may well be wary of talking to you because of his brother. You would certainly need to talk to him without your H being present.

Idealise, devalue, discard is the narcissists modus operandi.

Do not clutch at straws any longer and do not get bogged down in the "sunken costs fallacy" either. That will simply cause you to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

Re your comment that I have separated with my responses:-
"As, I'm sure most of us are guilty of, I am questioning whether it's me exaggerating his Narc symptoms"

No

and maybe he's just a bit of an arse (which if that was the case we could potentially resolve with some counselling)

No again. Narcissists are immune to counselling and he could well run rings around the counsellor. They think they are right all the time and can do nothing wrong. You cannot help or fix someone like your H. Please do not ever bring children into this particular dysfunctional dynamic!.

You've got a lot of flawed thinking going on in your last post.

I'm surprised you scored healthy on the codependency test because you are trying hard to deny your own reality.

maybe he's just a bit of an arse (which if that was the case we could potentially resolve with some counselling) I assume you mean couples counselling. Nope. He has a problem. It isn't a couple problem. It is a his personality problem. If he doesn't choose of his own volition (without pressure from you) to go to therapy to stop being a shithead to you then that counselling can't work.

Has he ever said, without prompting, that he does not like how he treats you, that he plans to change and then done something to drive that change?

As for talking to his brother. No. You are looking for permission to leave DH, for permission to refuse to tolerate being treated badly, for permission to believe that what you are experiencing is real. It isn't fair to put that on his brother.

There is nothing his brother can say that makes your reality any more or less real.

Call his brother for a whinge after you've split.

Has he apologised to you yet for the thing he was wrong about on 28th? The thing that ended in a row and you storming off.

In my house, after a period of reflection, the person who was being a dick would realise it and apologise properly. DH and I think about the feelings of the other one, put ourselves in their shoes, reflect on our own behaviours and make amends where necessary.

You obviously had a huge row. So what has he done to fix it?

Thanks RunRabbit, you do speak a lot of sense.
I guess I'm just coming to terms with this and am probably in the denial phase right now.
He did apologise for our argument on Friday the next day and did admit he was being unreasonable, but definitely didn't do this off his own back and needed a lot prompting.

I have booked a counselling session for just myself later this week. I've never had one before, and based on previous advice on this post, will explain from the offset about what I'm there for. Will let you you know how it goes.
Thanks for all the advice xx

Good luck at therapy.

It is bad that he needed lots of prompting. It's bad that you did lots of prompting, which is really just you begging him to please please please not be a shit anymore.

It is really hard as when he's not being a Narc he's very loving and we are very happy. It's like he can switch it on or off. He's in loving mode at the moment, but that's probably because I'm being off with him.

You are looking at two sides of the same coin.
It takes a lot of energy to be actively abusive.

However, very importantly, part and parcel of the way abuse works is to cause you to feel you are in control of how it goes.

Nobody would stick around to see what happens next unless there was some element of mystery to it. Nobody would stay with a partner who was 100% horrible all the time.

Abuse couldn't work on a long term basis if the victim (you) didn't feel some sense of obligation to try to work on the relationship or some sense of optimism that you could find the right formula (or it could be found by a therapist), and all would be well. Magical thinking begins to surface when faced with the incredibly confusing signals you are getting.

How does the abuser guarantee that you will stay? You get an episode that does your head in, but soon all is normal again (as normal as he can make it appear anyway) and you think you should give it a chance, you think 'for better or for worse', or you get the feeling that you are the special one who will find the key to his heart.

So you stay and you try to make progress.

Next time you catch yourself thinking that you need to explore all avenues, try clapping with one hand. How did that work for you?

I wish you luck at therapy.