How do you deal with a Narc Husband?

[minicheddars17]

Just had a massive argument with my narc DH. He is in the wrong but just won't and can't admit and it is pushing it all onto me.
I have stormed out and really want to send him this article. I have called him a narc before but he always denies it
thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissist-blames-you/
Do you think there's any point me sending it? Is a Narc likely to read it? Do they ever realise they are a Narc or are they always in a constant state of denial?

That is the most sobering thing about a narc... they bleed you dry. They turn you in to a shell of your former self.

In my case I put weight on, I was told regularly he didn't find me sexually attractive with the weight, that I should put more effort in and exercise. I worked full time and did the lion share of the childcare. He also used to moan if I did anything on my own.

When I then didn't want to have sex with him he called me frigid. Looking back I can see the reason I didn't want sex was because I felt so unattractive and unwanted. He was cruel with the taunts, the snide looks at my body. He never complimented me when I was thin, he did however use it as a yard stick to beat me when I was fat.

They trap you in a vicious circle that you can't see.

The icing on the cake was him then blaming me for him cheating as I was fat and eoykdnt have sex. I now see no normal person wants to have sex with their abuser.

That's what narcs are... abusers.

Oh yes have had exh.show 13 DD his scars and burns from self harming
...she is under CAMHS for anxiety and school refusing. Last phone call said to her didn't she know how guilty HE felt her not going to school!! ...wish I could erase him from our lives...but she love (pity )him.

My sTBXH has talked about suicide with both kids. Saying he's more likely than others to commit suicide. DD is worried he's going to kill himself. How the fuck can you do that with kids?

OnAnotherDay - that's the kind of thing my sTBXH would do. Vile.

Op - you might think your DH wouldn't do these things with your own kids but you'd be wrong. He will stoop to all time lows to get what he wants. Don't have kids with him.

I did over 20 years. I have PTSD and am waiting for trauma therapy. Dc are also in therapy. Run whilst you can!

Obviously some pp have had very traumatic experiences being in relationships with narcissists. My dh shows some narcissistic traits (blames me for being oversensitive, is never wrong, can be insensitive) but mostly he is a decent person who works hard for our family and cares very much for me and dd. I truly do love him and believe that he loves me (although I not sure that it is in the same way). I am trying to make it work because I love him and I want a stable future for dd. Also I don't know if I am correct about him being a narcissist or we have compatibility issues sometimes - or it's me! Although I get sad when I imagine what life could like with someone easier (or would I be by myself with no dd? - questions to drive you mad!).

In your situation, i would be very wary of self or Internet diagnosis. However staying with someone because you want to have children, but have reservations about, is not a good idea. I believe who you end up with and whether it works out is essentially a gamble. No one can see into the future. But please try to be as level-headed as possible when making your decision. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater on one hand but don't get yourself into an inescapable situation on the other.

Stbxh has also done the suicide top trumps. Dd has tried three times, but he's tried more etc. Not, are you okay, I'm so sorry, what can I do to help, but oh, I did that too, want to compare notes. FFS!

Christ yes, if I I say I'm feeling bad because of xyz, he'll say 'poor you' and then go on to TALK at me about HIM feeling bad for the whole fucking alphabet. It's SO draining.

I don't want to EVER engage in conversation with him ever again because I know it will end up all about him. Fucker

So your DD has attempted suicide 3 times? Have I read that right? That's terrible. Not wanting to pry but where do you think it stems from? I.e her toxic df?

Bloody hell some of the things these guys have put you and your family through. I just can't fathom how, like my DH, they have no self awareness or remorse for their actions. It's so hard to get inside their heads and wonder what the hell is going on in there.

Postmanpat, I think I'm in the same situation as you right now. It's not constant, and weeks go by where we are fine, but when it's bad it's really bad! I think my first step is to speak to my best friend about it in RL which I've been too ashamed to do this far. I didn't realise how common it seems to be! And perhaps I will book a counselling session too. After hearing all your stories, I think I know how this will turn out, but for my own sanity I need to at least try a few avenues first.
Thanks for all your advice, I really appreciate it

If you have children with this man then you would also knowingly be subjecting them to having a narcissistic father. I worked with a woman who was a narcissist and she had 2 kids (not surprisingly she and her husband were separated as he couldn't take it any more) and it really affects the children having a parent with a personality like that. Also, if you did separate from your husband in the future then you would never be able to make a complete break from him if you have kids, and as long as he can retain some control over your life through the children he could make it as hard for you as he wanted.

I really feel for you, I had such a hard time just working with that woman, she was a textbook case. Thankfully she left the company eventually and my life got so much better now that I never have to see her again. I can only imagine how much harder it is to deal with when it's your husband.

Dawn, I have various theories.

I recommend a book , The Verbally Abusive relationship by Patrica Evans.My stbxh didn't name call but used manipulation, blaming, stonewalling and gaslighting anytime I wanted to discuss anything important.This book really helped me understand what was going on.

It's awful to be in such a marriage, I hung on for a few years as we had dc but realise I should have left when I had instincts and started to be unhappy. We tried counselling many times but ultimately stbxh didn't have compassion or feel empathy so it was pointless.
He also had solo counselling but it made him feel more like a victim.Upshot is that it's about power and stbxh didn't want a mutually beneficial relationship...thats what you helped me move on.on.

I think talking to your best friend and getting counselling (for yourself, not couple's counselling) would be a very good idea.

Best of luck. And maybe double up on contraception.

Dawn -totally understand.

OP - he may well be fine when things are going well. Put kids into the mix and it gets stressful He will not be the centre of attention and things will ramp up.

I never forget the time STBXH came to pick me up fromt he hosp after giving birth to first born. I had been in for 2 days, exhausted and wanted to get home. He rolled up late and stressed, he couldn't get parked. Not a kind word for me, just all his drama. I started crying. The midwife she must have been new or off her trolley asked STBXH what was wrong with me. I can't even remember what he said, just that I felt so shit. We drove home in silence, with him still being stressed.

Such a small thing really but it stuck with me and was a marker for how things were to continue.

Dawn

OP he absolutely ruined the early days with my baby for me. Do not have a kid with a narc. I only started to enjoy her after she was 1 year old and I moved out. Don't do it. Go for counselling (I did this to help me work out my extraction plan and then to recover)

The only route to explore is your exit one. Xx

Yes, Dawn..good point.Having children with someone like this will always lead to sadness.Stbxh never acknowledged birth of dc, absolutely nothing despite giving birth naturally to a really large baby.I didn't expect flowers but just a kind word.When I commented on it he blamed me.Similarly when I left hospital post emergency surgery we had to continue with his plans..at no point was my physical or emotional needs considered.

Of course at times he could be nice but only when it suited him.Its the lack of compassion and empathy for others.It doesn't truly exist but they can mimic it so you often don't learn the truth until years into a relationship.

It's very sad because outsiders assume you have a "normal" relationship and often suggest things to try that won't work for your situation.My sister got it, she would continuely tell me I wasn't in a normal relationship.

I had PND after both DC, I look back now with a clear head and realise it was exacerbated by his behaviour. My second DC had health issues meaning he woke every hour until he was two and half. I worked full time and did all of the waking as he slept through them and the rare time he did get up caused more issues.

This is the guy who said I woke him breathing in bed every night and blamed me for him him being tired. I laugh now, he stayed up till after midnight every night but got a solid seven hours of which he would snore so loud that neighbours used to say he kept them up.

Of course it was all my fault, his lack of sleep, DC medical issues that to this day he insists I mostly made up, me being so tired for sex...

Why did I stay? I honestly can't answer, but please don't inflict this man on a child. They don't have a choice, you do.

A lot of times after he birth of a child it's harder for them to hide their behaviour. He is like his before a child, take the warning.

Your post about wanting children is so alarming.

DO NOT have children with this man.

Narcissists are toxic and will not hesitate to use and abuse innocent and vulnerable children exactly as they abuse you.

If you have a sense that time is running out, and if you want to 'try a few avenues first' for the sake of your own sanity, go to a solicitor and draw up divorce papers. Then you can book some sessions with a counsellor. Make sure you state that your counselling is for the purposes of support as you divorce a narcissist. Otherwise you may well waste precious time talking about your childhood, your parents, how you were potty trained, etc and blah blah.. Focused counselling is what you need. There are very specific issues associated with divorcing a narcissist - extreme anger on his part being the most problematic.

But please, do not waste time trying to fix him, and let go of your idea that you could have children with him and that anyone could get away with it unscathed. Everyone will suffer if a baby is involved here, not least the baby. Don't do that to a child.

What math says. You can't fix him but you can save yourself x

My exH actually said out loud in a rare moment of candour that it was his expectation and his aim that the children could only be happy when he wanted them to be.

He had absolutely no concept of them as separate, autonomous human beings, and no concept of their right to their own feelings. He expected to dominate them completely. When they, naturally, made it clear that they had feelings, opinions, thoughts, an existence apart from him, he took it as a personal attack.

So the natural and perfectly normal argumentativeness of a three or four year old was something he could not stand and he reacted in extremely disproportionate ways - raging, breaking their toys as he 'tidied up' like a hurricane, shouting, cursing, etc. I could not leave the children alone with him. He could make their life hell for a few hours if he felt like it.

math is bang on (you're on form lately! )

Cross post, I was responding to the first one.
Sorry your ex treated your children like that, math. It sounds awful.

I have similar memories to the PP who described him coming to hospital full of his own drama.

When he took me home, the heating was off and the place was a mess. The birth announcement cards had, though, been sent off much quicker than any of our friends had managed.

He spent much of his paternity leave arranging visits of family and friends who I didn't feel up to being with, and rearranging daily the flowers we'd been given.