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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cant cope

129 replies

Itsnotmyday · 28/04/2017 08:09

Exdp left me around 2 months ago, saying we wanted different things. He left me devestated. We dont have any kids together. Since then he has said he has been seeing other people, then said he has mad it up to hurt me, then he has said he has slept with someone else, then said he has lied to hurt me. This has been continuas. In between we had tried to rebuild our relationship. I told him so many times to leave me alone but he never could, said he couldnt let go. It all come to a head other day when he said that he had met someone else, she is complete oppsisite to me and its made him realise what he wants and he hasnt been this happy in ages. Yesterday i caught him twice driving past my house but i never messaged him. I got a phone call saying he has sti. He kept ringing me sayingHe said he needed to come round to talk to me. So i let him round. He said he is in a relationship with someone else and to let him go. I hadnt messaged him so i couldnt understand him saying that. Said he needed to know if o was seeing someone else (im not). Then said he was lying about the sti. He got emotional saying his head was a mess. I told him to delete my number and he left. Im so confused about this. I had left him alone, it was him who wouldnt leave me alone. Even though he is so happy with someone else. Everything is a mess and the worst thing about it all is i still love him

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsnotmyday · 12/05/2017 14:55

Feel as though im starting to miss him

OP posts:
springydaffs · 12/05/2017 22:56

There's an addictive dynamic to relationships like this - you're going cold turkey. Difficult times.

But hold on and wait for it to pass. It will pass. I had similar when I left my abusive controlling exH. I literally shook and I was all over the place. It passed. Joyous to be free once I got through!

The intense withdrawals stage took about two weeks, all in. Hold on. Don't contact him. Get busy - with anything. Xx

Offred · 12/05/2017 23:07

It might not be like this for you its but once I was past the withdrawals phase where I felt like hell, also for about two weeks, I felt so much better.

I am now nearly 3 months on and I actually feel like this has been easier than other break ups despite it being intense at the beginning because actually the ONLY thing he contributed to my life was drama, anxiety and general misery.

From me he got money, top ups to pay his bills, dog sitting, a listening ear, care when he was sick, support, love, an Xbox, a pedigree dog, legal advice on tap, a pay rise I negotiated for him, a place to put his anger at everything, entertainment etc

I got sexual abuse, anger, physical aggression, putting me down, no love or care etc

His leaving my life has been nothing but positive for me.

Original poster
Itsnotmyday · 13/05/2017 07:37

I just dont understand how someone can change so dramatically. He claims he never cheated, but he let someone else in and he didnt intent for things to be like this. Makes me feel sick

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Original poster
Itsnotmyday · 13/05/2017 07:43

He just tells me why i havent jumped onto another dick.. because its been months Hmm and that i need to find a nice lad and he doesnt want me to end up with a dickhead.. says he still cares for me and doesnt want to see me get hurt. Almost laughable isnt it

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springydaffs · 13/05/2017 10:21

He acts like you're his possession. That can be quite heady in a twisted way. Fucked to high heaven in reality..

Hold out until the spell weakens. It will weaken, in fact die off, if you let it.

WorknameJimEllis · 13/05/2017 10:56

He didn't change

He is always like this. He is fucking with your head

The mithering about cheating then telling you to jump on a cock...

It is all just a game. He just picks random sentences that he knows will upset you, when you get upset he loves it. If he sees you recovering he will spin 180 degrees then he will blurt out some more shite.

You dumped and pining for him, and another woman thinking he is my nice guy- he is masturbating like a monkey at the thought of the two of you... dangling there for him.

Small but important tip.

EVERY time you find yourself saying 'but how could he...' the answer is because he's a CUNT.

A cunt whose prime objective is to mess with people. He has no genuine emotions to speak of, so he feeds of those of others.

Original poster
Itsnotmyday · 13/05/2017 11:02

He keeps saying how he still cares and is concerned for me. Its a headfuck.

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BoredandConfused · 13/05/2017 11:26

OP, I'm going to be really blunt here so apologies in advance.
He doesn't care for you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want anyone else to have you. He is a psychopath who is enjoying inflicting pain on you, then apologizing, making you smile and then inflicting pain and the cycle starts again.
This is not about you. It's about him getting his kicks.

Be thankful you have no ties. STOP him getting in contact with you. Block his number and delete it. If the messages are coming through he is NOT blocked. Don't answer withheld calls. If you need to, change your number. Remove yourself from social media, at the very least make sure your privacy settings are as tight as they can be.

You are in control of this but only if you want to be and you are making excuses to let him into your life by accepting and reading his phone calls/messages. You do not have a future with this man...be thankful for that and make it happen sooner rather than later.
The reason he has changed? He hasn't. That man that you fell for is the one that doesn't exist...this one, the abusive head fuck that is keeping you hanging on...that is the real man. Know this. Protect yourself and your DD from him.

I wish you lots of love and luck. I know it's not easy from bitter experience but there are better times ahead. This man is abusive and he is never going to change. The only way for you to move on is to truly go NC, knowing it will get better and you will get back that sense of self-worth that he has taken from you. Flowers

BoredandConfused · 13/05/2017 11:34

Oh...and you can cope, you can do it. We're all here with you and rooting for you Flowers

Original poster
Itsnotmyday · 13/05/2017 11:46

I needed to hear that, it isnt blunt. And its exactly what my whole family have said. Im just finding it so bloody difficult to let go, i still love him! I feel so lost and lonely. I know it sounds so pathetic after everything he has done and said.

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Original poster
Itsnotmyday · 13/05/2017 11:47

Its been 3 months, he has a new girlfriend so why cant i just move on??

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Offred · 13/05/2017 12:21

Because he fucked you up and he is continuing to fuck with your mind.

It would not be helpful or a sign you were moving on if you were with someone else now.

You need to be by yourself, with NC with him for a while before you can even start the process, which is usually a few weeks of feeling like he'll and then feeling much much better because he isn't fucking you up anymore.

Offred · 13/05/2017 12:25

What you can't cope with is him tucking you up.

With time and space from him you will come to see that too.

Trouble is the whole way people like this get to keep you on the hook is by doing things that make you feel you can't cope with life without them.

He is still doing this with this crap about wanting to oversee any knew relationships.

A few weeks of no contact and some support from sensible people and WA would have you shocked you ever tolerated his shit.

It is NOT you, it is HIM. How you feel now is completely normal for someone who has been fucked up by a fucked up human being.

Offred · 13/05/2017 12:27

Have you ever seen anything about the drama triangle? That is what he is doing to you at the moment.

Original poster
Itsnotmyday · 13/05/2017 13:02

No? Whats that?

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Offred · 13/05/2017 13:10

drama triangle

At the moment he is putting you in victim and changing between rescuer and perpetrator to keep you there IMO.

ddssdd · 13/05/2017 14:10

So he's either lied to upset you, or he has done all of those things? Hmm. Not sure which prospect seems worse.

ddssdd · 13/05/2017 14:12

He's trying to keep you tangled the in a perpetual state of emotional turmoil. Try and untangle yourself. Going NC may be an idea.

ddssdd · 13/05/2017 14:13

the*

Original poster
Itsnotmyday · 23/05/2017 07:58

When does nc get easier? Ive been doing it for a week now. He messaged me other day claiming that i had been pranking him (obviously i hadnt) then yesterday i was out walking my dogs near my estate and he drove past me twice, i didnt even look at him.. theres no reason as to why he would be driving near my house. Then recieved another text lasy night saying "really? Havent you moved on yet ffs" i havent replied again.

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hellsbellsmelons · 23/05/2017 08:00

Keep that silence.
How the hell is texting you?
Block the weird fucker!

Original poster
Itsnotmyday · 23/05/2017 08:12

I have his calls and texts blocked. But they still come through just without a notification. Its a samsung.. i know people who have iphones can block people altogether but mine doesnt seem to do that. I know he wants a reaction.. positive or negative he doesnt mind which one. And im giving him absolurly nothing. Im sure hes driving near my house so i will message him but i didnt even look in his direction. This is the longest ive stayed silent. Before if i saw him near my house i would of messaged him asking why. Im so glad im stronger for not doing so now

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/05/2017 08:17

Re your comment:-

"Im sure hes driving near my house so i will message him but i didnt even look in his direction".

Do not message him!. Radio silence from you is necessary.

Original poster
Itsnotmyday · 23/05/2017 08:20

Oh yeah absolutly! And its probably driving him mad that im not reacting!

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