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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cant cope

129 replies

Itsnotmyday · 28/04/2017 08:09

Exdp left me around 2 months ago, saying we wanted different things. He left me devestated. We dont have any kids together. Since then he has said he has been seeing other people, then said he has mad it up to hurt me, then he has said he has slept with someone else, then said he has lied to hurt me. This has been continuas. In between we had tried to rebuild our relationship. I told him so many times to leave me alone but he never could, said he couldnt let go. It all come to a head other day when he said that he had met someone else, she is complete oppsisite to me and its made him realise what he wants and he hasnt been this happy in ages. Yesterday i caught him twice driving past my house but i never messaged him. I got a phone call saying he has sti. He kept ringing me sayingHe said he needed to come round to talk to me. So i let him round. He said he is in a relationship with someone else and to let him go. I hadnt messaged him so i couldnt understand him saying that. Said he needed to know if o was seeing someone else (im not). Then said he was lying about the sti. He got emotional saying his head was a mess. I told him to delete my number and he left. Im so confused about this. I had left him alone, it was him who wouldnt leave me alone. Even though he is so happy with someone else. Everything is a mess and the worst thing about it all is i still love him

OP posts:
PaleBluePigeon · 28/04/2017 10:48

Well, there are questions you can ask yourself. You can think of your own but some starters:

You want to be happy and healthy, right? At the moment, this situation is not helping that.

You feel you have a right to make your own choices? Ones that will contribute to your happiness? Yes?

Are you getting anything out of this? Is there any part of you that is enjoying or getting an adrenalin buzz from the drama of this, from his attention. That kind of buzz can have a bit of an addictive quality and is destructive, it isn't the kind of buzz you want to be hanging on to.

Are you bored, generally? Are you doing enough self care?

I'm sure you can think of other things, these are just ideas that might resonate, or might not.

NarcsBegone · 28/04/2017 23:50

Paleblue's post is brilliant and you should ask yourself all these things. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life playing this game of back and forth? It's within your power to make a change. He doesn't live with you so that makes things a little easier than they could be.
What's wrong with you is you're hurt and scared, you hope things will work out and he will see the error of his ways... he won't! Love, real love, isn't like this! He is trying to get you to do as he wants and be who he wants and he's leaping all over the place trying different tactics to see which works the best. This will escalate if you don't stop it.

Original poster
Itsnotmyday · 04/05/2017 08:25

He came round other night.. told me he was going to leave his new girlfriend as he still had feelings for me, that he has tried to let me go but cant, he cant live without me and he needs me in his life, that he misses me and thinks about me when he is with her. Then the day after he changed his mind, he isnt going to leave her, he said me and him would never work as we want different things then told me to delete his number and now he has blocked me. Feel even more stupid now because i bloody believed him!!! Why is he so fucking cruel????

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsnotmyday · 04/05/2017 08:26

How many times can he possibily hurt me before i say enough is enough???

OP posts:
60percentofthetime · 04/05/2017 08:34

OP, you didn't do yourself any favours by letting him in! Block his number, don't answer the door to him - tell him through a locked door that you will call the police next time he comes round, maybe that will keep him away. Do you have anyone living nearby that you could stay with for a few nights? It would help you move on if you had a change of scenery.

Original poster
Itsnotmyday · 04/05/2017 08:40

I was stupid, i didnt think he would do that to me the day after

OP posts:
60percentofthetime · 04/05/2017 10:33

No, not stupid! You just need support when things get really difficult for you. It's hard letting someone go if you still have feelings for them, but you've seen this behaviour from him before and you know that you can't trust him. When he does this to you again alarm bells should ring. As I said before, can you get away for a few days?

hellsbellsmelons · 04/05/2017 11:10

Why is he so fucking cruel????
I'll say it again...
Because he's a fucking CUNT
That's all there is to it!

You will get there.
You just need some time.
Keep going and try to stay strong.

Original poster
Itsnotmyday · 04/05/2017 11:44

He is most definatly that. I want to say so many hurtful things to him, but i wont as that will give him the reaction he wants

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 04/05/2017 13:14

Well done - dignified silence is always the best way.
Take the high ground. You can look down at him from there!

Original poster
Itsnotmyday · 04/05/2017 14:54

I feel so so lonely, even when i have people around me. And when i sit at home by myself all i can think about is him with her, and after everything he told me why should he get away with it? Why should he ride off into the sunset with his new girlfriend and im left lonely picking up the peices. I constantly think about him, as soon as i wake up

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 04/05/2017 16:04

I'm sorry OP.
It's a truly shit time.
And 99x out of 100 - the man does just fuck off and leave us to it.
Picking up the pieces.
Sorting everything out.
Looking after the kids.
Worrying about finances.
Trying desperately to mend our fragile broken hearts.
While they live the life of Riley.
Shagging around.
No responsibilities.
It's not fair.
It's really not fair.
And you'll want to scream this from the rooftops at times.
But you have your DC. You have family and friends.
And you WILL get through it.
Do NOT expect this to happen overnight.
It took me a good year to get back to any sense of 'myself' when I split with ExH.
Just take each day at a time.
Rant away on here.
Cry when you need to away from DC.
You'll be amazed how many tears one small body can produce!
Right down your thoughts.
Get out and about when you can.
Look after yourself.
Do things to bring your mood up - Gym or running or even an exercise DVD will get the endorphin's going.
But... if you are really struggling.
Do NOT suffer in silence.
If you need some profession help and support, get out there and find it.

thethoughtfox · 04/05/2017 17:23

It's really simple" he wants to keep you hanging on to a) make sure you will still be there for him if, and when, he wants and b) to make sure you haven't met anyone else.

Adora10 · 04/05/2017 17:27

Best way to get over this absolute tool of a man is to get under another one, go do it OP for god's sake and please stop allowing this complete bellend to fuck up your life they way he has, you do have control, you have to take responsibility for allowing this joke of a relationship to continue, the guy is nuts, only care about himself, can you not see that, it's so bloody obvious.

Original poster
Itsnotmyday · 04/05/2017 17:32

The sad thing is, i can see exactly what he is like deep down! He is not the person i fell in love with and i am mourning the loss of the man i thought he was. The last 2 years feels like lies. How can someone who claimed to love me so much put me through so much pain? And intentionally hurt me, knowing full well what his actions and words make me feel. Ive wanted to message his new girlfriend so much but i know he will spin her a web of lies about how im crazy and jealous. So i havent done, but damn i have come so close. If it wasnt for the fact he would thrive on the attention i would of done it by now

OP posts:
sillywoman12 · 04/05/2017 22:45

OP I'm you..1.5 years later. Same situations driving past etc saying same about me moving on and smashing the face..but found someone else he clicked with and makes him happy.then going back to her..then me because he realised and loved me.then back to her..then me..then her..and you can see the pattern. And it just happened again..months of making me think he'll sort things out with me and efforts ended up going back to her. Please please please take my advice which I wish I woulda done sooner.bock and delete him from EVERYTHING and his family and friends.erase him out your life..and take everyday as it come..it does get better but it'll only get better and easier if you do this now..please don't do it over a year later like me otherwise it'll cause lots more hurt..have some self respect and once he sees your not taking the shit and serious about NC he will also gain respect for you (not that it'll matter by then) but you WILL be happier only if you do the first move. It's taking me time and I'm not there..I'll be honest it's been a week of NC and everyday I think of him and know he's happy with her again..but I do feel better and know I need to let go..you can't read the next chapter of your life if you keep revisiting the old ones..you can do it! Xx

Original poster
Itsnotmyday · 04/05/2017 23:22

Im so glad youve told me your story, im so sorry your going through this too. Ive had loads of missed calls off him tonight but i havent even been tempted to answer, he has nothing of interest to say. I think yesterday was a turning point for me. Im too young to be taking this kind of shit from anyone.. i have too much of a bright future away from that creature.

OP posts:
MusicIsMedicine · 05/05/2017 02:50

Be seriously glad you don't have kids with this nasty cunt. You need a clean break.

You need to tell the police about his threats.

Put him on a total block. If you see him stalking you or driving past the house, tell the police. If he turns up at your door, do not answer, call the police.

Get a full sti check and don't tell him.

You have had a very lucky escape from this nutjob.

I think you need to look at your self esteem and why you choose abusive men.

mamakena · 05/05/2017 04:09

Go on a nice relaxing holiday or to visit family (make sure he's blocked and does not know)... Pamper yourself, relax....I promise you'll feel fantastic and the space will start your healing.

You deserve a peaceful life without this nasty abusive arse of an ex.

Original poster
Itsnotmyday · 05/05/2017 08:34

I never ever dreamed he would end up like this, i thought he waa the one. He was amazing with me and my daughter. I dont know where it all went wrong

OP posts:
Offred · 05/05/2017 17:58

What he is doing is called triangulating and is designed to both destroy your self worth AND make you feel like you will never get it back unless he gives it back to you...

That will never happen though. The only way to get it back is to FORCE yourself to get some distance from him and make a concerted effort to improve your self worth yourself and recover from the experience.

Original poster
Itsnotmyday · 05/05/2017 20:46

He ended up turning up at my house this morning and let himself in, because he thinks im seeing someone else. It turned into a blazing fight. He told me that he didnt want me picking a idiot and that he cared and didnt want to see me or my daughter hurt (bit rich coming from him). Anyways he ended up leaving then texting me later on saying he has happily moved on and he has met her kid and she will be meeting his. So basically he can destroy me and he can play happy families with his new girfriend while im picking up the peices to my broken heart. Worse thing is i bet he is with her now and im sat home alone devestated. Ive finally cut contact

OP posts:
P1nkP0ppy · 05/05/2017 20:51

Change the locks.
Block his number.
He's an abusive mindfucker, his new gf is welcome to him. She'll soon find out what he's like.
If he comes again and gets abusive, call the police.

Original poster
Itsnotmyday · 05/05/2017 20:54

Will she though? He will be treating her like a princess she has absolutly no idea what he has been doing/saying to me. It all seems so unfair. How can i ever let go and move on. It hurts so much when he says how happy he is and how he has moved on and im still absolutly gutted

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 05/05/2017 21:15

You are worth so much moe than this.
Do not let him in your house. Change your phone numbers, email, locks etc. Bloch him on social media. Do not engage with him any more. Look back at your posts. Imagine you've just popped on MN and read these posts from another person. What would you say? There's a pattern here... you need to break it. You do have the power!