Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Could you be married to someone if....

127 replies

WhatThePuck · 23/04/2017 16:38

In most other ways he's fine (few issues as normal) but point blank refuses to cook.
In 12 years of marriage and 17 years together never once cooked.
I by the way am a SAHP who at least likes to feed DC from scratch at least 4 times a week even if it's simple. DH only able to do at weekends which I totally get.
His reason: I can't cook
I've bought books, sometimes forced him to help but it always creates an argument.
We had a small flat and he said the kitchen was too small. We have now moved and kitchen is big but he doesn't know where anything is Hmm
I've tried once or twice to leave him to it but he just takes DC out to eat or gives waffles and fish fingers.
Once I had somewhere to go & was going to be back late and asked him to pick up DC from school. I then asked him what the plans were for dinner for DC and he said he didn't realise he had to cook and something about still working from home so wouldn't get time.
I ended up writing instructions and leaving out ingredients for toad in the hole.
If he was left to his devices he would eat cereal all day long. Fine but what about the kids?
I feel that he doesn't understand how much time and thought actually goes into planning for a meal and the frustration of thinking of what to cook everyday. Its really frustrating although he hasn't said he expects me to cook I have told him that because he doesn't it obviously means I have to.
Since we didn't have space before we didn't have friends round but now I'd like to invite people over. I told him we need to put some dates in diary for one of my long term friends.
He said yes but he wanted to invite his friend another time. I said half jokingly fine what are you going to make. I was left with no comment.
Every birthday I bake & decorate a cake cos he has a sweet tooth. Last year I said I didn't want a gift I wanted him to show that he went to effort i.e. make a cake but that never happened.
WWYD & am I being U and asking too much?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatThePuck · 23/04/2017 16:39

Oops didn't realise it was going to be so long

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 23/04/2017 16:40

How old are your children?

Original poster
WhatThePuck · 23/04/2017 16:40

I asked him to steam some veggies in microwave and I had to talk him through it

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatThePuck · 23/04/2017 16:40

6 and 8

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 23/04/2017 16:41

I think you are being unreasonable, tbh. You don't mind cooking. You are a SAHM. You know what you're doing in the kitchen. He works full time and hates cooking - doesn't know what he's doing in the kitchen. Why are you trying to make him cook all the time?

Original poster
WhatThePuck · 23/04/2017 16:42

I don't want them to grow up thinking it's only females that do the cooking.
Please no LTB either- so useful helpful adviceSmile

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatThePuck · 23/04/2017 16:42

Who said I liked cooking. Before kids I used to work FT too.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 23/04/2017 16:43

So your children are out of the house for several hours a day. You could cook from scratch for one of those hours. It's hardly going down the mine, is it? Grin

corythatwas · 23/04/2017 16:43

Is there anything you can't do or won't do that could traditionally be associated with men? Any DIY/car maintenance/etc?

And if he does do meals, how insistent are you that they should be done to your standards rather than his?

Moanyoldcow · 23/04/2017 16:45

If he does other stuff this wouldn't bother me. I don't especially like cooking so my husband does all of it. He hates doing laundry so I do it. Everything else is split. I think you have to find a division you're happy with rather than live up to arbitrary standards.

Are you happy with everything else or is this one thing in a long list!

GuinessPunch · 23/04/2017 16:45

My dp never cooks either. He will get me a takeaway if I ask him to make me food. He doesnt enjoy it and isn't good.
He does all diy, gardening, car maintainence and washing up most nights. He works full time, I am on maternity leave. He was like this before we had the baby and I worked full time.
It gets annoying always thinking of things to cook but he pulls his weight in other ways. Does yours?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 23/04/2017 16:46

I think you're being unreasonable too. It's the one thing he doesn't want to do. Everyone'll live.

Original poster
WhatThePuck · 23/04/2017 16:47

Cory
He's never cooked so I can't say to what standard.
I have done my fair share of diy especially in our old place. Due to illness I find it very difficult to do anything manual but will still do some here and there

Imperial
Like I said I'm happy to cook weekdays it's the weekend when we're all home together

OP posts:
RainbowsAndUnicorn · 23/04/2017 16:47

So he does feed the children just not to your standards?

It all sounds very petty, does he moan you don't work like you moan he doesn't cook from scratch? I thought the one at home was meant to do those things whilst the other shouldered the financial part?

I'd expect a partner to be able to do some form of meal if we both worked to share the household things but if I was home all day every day I'd expect to cook.

228agreenend · 23/04/2017 16:48

Can you send him on a days cookery course somewhere? They aren't cheap, but it may help.

When you say he doesn't cook, is that 'proper meals', or does it include sandwiches etc? If the latter, then I can imagine your frustration. My dh doesn't cook evening meals, but he can knock up a sandwich or open a can of soup for,his lunch.

Can you start coming, and then get waylaid so he has to take over, even if it's a simple as turning the pasta on. Or can you get it already, so,he has to do the simple bits. Ie. Put lasagne in oven, put garlic bread in oven half an hour later?

IsNotGold · 23/04/2017 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 23/04/2017 16:49

Love how you blame not wanting the kids to grow up seeing just women cooking yet are more than happy for them to see men working only Hmm

Given the children are school aged so you have pretty much all day every day free it's not a lot to do really is it to cook the evening meal.

Teddy6767 · 23/04/2017 16:50

Could you compromise and get him to help you prep the dinner (a bit of chopping or something) just to take the pressure off you a bit at the weekend? Or could you both cook a meal together from scratch? My DP and I enjoy doing this as it's quality time we can spend chatting and catching up.
Another option could be to ask him to cook you and your children a meal from scratch once a month.
If he really doesn't want to then you'll probably have to just let it go though, as long as he's doing his fair share of everything else. I refuse to mow the lawn so my DP has to always do that. But I make up for it by doing other things like hoovering and changing the bed sheets every time.

Original poster
WhatThePuck · 23/04/2017 16:50

Generally he's ok. But once a month? On special occasions?
I think it's one thing to say you don't want to cook but another to say you can't. If you can read you can follow a recipe no?

OP posts:
countycouncil · 23/04/2017 16:50

That would annoy the hell out of me. Everyone should be able to make some basic things. Spaghetti bolognese is hardly rocket science. It doesn't matter that you're a SAHP with kids at school, he should want to be able to do this very basic task to make you happy, to be a good role model to his kids, to be able to look after them properly etc etc.

I suspect you'd be happy if he cooked one meal in every fifty.

Tell him he's ridiculous! Ok maybe that's not the best strategy but seriously, an 8 year old can make a dinner.

PurpleDaisies · 23/04/2017 16:52

I think expecting him to bake a cake when he's not a very confident cook is unfair but it would have been reasonable to expect him to organise one.

Regarding cooking on normal days, I don't think you're unreasonable for wanting him to cook sometimes. If he doesn't usually cook he probably will need help, or you need to not worry too much about what he's cooking. One night a week of fish fingers, beans and chips is fine.

I'd definitely get into the habit of meal planning together, and ideally allocating a specific night for him to take responsibility for, even if he doesn't cook a meal that's up to your usual level.

countycouncil · 23/04/2017 16:52

Rainbows - being a stay at home parent is working. It's not paid park but it is work. The OP is setting a perfectly reasonable example of another way to contribute to a family.

Original poster
WhatThePuck · 23/04/2017 16:52

Teddy I might try that.
There's times when I am in the kitchen and he's watching sport with kids and if I had help even chopping we could all sit together and I would be done quicker

OP posts:
Hissy · 23/04/2017 16:52

He could be responsible for a meal at weekends, even if he bought ready meals, or easy things

The fact is that He DOESNT WANT TO. It's beneath him. It's your job, its women's work.

You asked him to pick the kids up and he agreed until he realised he'd have to feed them. Is this because you have an unrealistic relationship with the idea of "cooking from scratch"? Or does he?

If you (god forbid) fell ill and were incapacitated for a week or two, or longer... would he and your children actually starve to death??

robinia · 23/04/2017 16:52

My DH can't cook so he doesn't .... ever. He does help around the house in other ways though - hoovering, cleaning, tidying. And I like cooking. If I want a night off I just chuck something in the oven or we get a takeaway.