Could you be married to someone if....

[WhatThePuck]

In most other ways he's fine (few issues as normal) but point blank refuses to cook.
In 12 years of marriage and 17 years together never once cooked.
I by the way am a SAHP who at least likes to feed DC from scratch at least 4 times a week even if it's simple. DH only able to do at weekends which I totally get.
His reason: I can't cook
I've bought books, sometimes forced him to help but it always creates an argument.
We had a small flat and he said the kitchen was too small. We have now moved and kitchen is big but he doesn't know where anything is
I've tried once or twice to leave him to it but he just takes DC out to eat or gives waffles and fish fingers.
Once I had somewhere to go & was going to be back late and asked him to pick up DC from school. I then asked him what the plans were for dinner for DC and he said he didn't realise he had to cook and something about still working from home so wouldn't get time.
I ended up writing instructions and leaving out ingredients for toad in the hole.
If he was left to his devices he would eat cereal all day long. Fine but what about the kids?
I feel that he doesn't understand how much time and thought actually goes into planning for a meal and the frustration of thinking of what to cook everyday. Its really frustrating although he hasn't said he expects me to cook I have told him that because he doesn't it obviously means I have to.
Since we didn't have space before we didn't have friends round but now I'd like to invite people over. I told him we need to put some dates in diary for one of my long term friends.
He said yes but he wanted to invite his friend another time. I said half jokingly fine what are you going to make. I was left with no comment.
Every birthday I bake & decorate a cake cos he has a sweet tooth. Last year I said I didn't want a gift I wanted him to show that he went to effort i.e. make a cake but that never happened.
WWYD & am I being U and asking too much?

This makes me appreciate DH and DS, both of whom I have to fight for use of the kitchen at times. DH learned to cook when he was a child as being one of 8 children it was the only time he got to spend time with his mum on an individual basis. It was lucky he did because his first wife couldn't cook and refused to learn. DS and DSS have always helped me in the kitchen and have a real love of cooking.

However, there are other ways of reversing gender stereotypes if your DH really is unwilling to cook. How is he with housework? Do you do things that males would typically do (eg DIY)?

My DH doesn't cook either. I love cooking and work part time; he hates it and works full time. He does more chores generally. I sometimes think I should push him to cook. He can prepare, for e.g. sausage and mash, and heat up prepared food, but that's about it. It can be dull for me - as I do all the cooking, I also have to write a meal plan and the shopping list.

In an ideal world, both of us would enjoy cooking and share it roughly equally, but we do tend to play to our strengths. DH does all the gardening and hoovering and long distance driving, for example, and I do all the cooking and cleaning (though quite slatternly).

In your situation, I'd encourage him to cook but not make a big deal of it.

It doesn't sound like he starves the DCs if you're not there. It's just that you want him to cook from scratch. I don't know why that has become such a big deal to you. As for asking him to bake a birthday cake, I'd be if DH asked me to do that. I cook all our meals from scratch but I am a rubbish baker.My DM was rubbish at cooking. She cooked from scratch but I doubt her meals would have met your standards either. You seem to have a firm idea of what food should be, how it should be cooked and who should cook it (both of you). Why?

My DH doesn't cook either.

We both work full time.

It's nothing to do with gender stereotypes, he's never learned and isn't interested. And I'm a pretty good cook.

I get him to help e..g. with peeling potatoes, making a salad dressing. And he always clears up afterwards.

He does do barbecues. But only the meat bit!

It works out fine with us and our DC (boys) are quite handy in the kitchen with cakes making etc although not as keen on the everyday basics.

My dh doesn't cook. However he does anything else without having to be cajoled or prompted.

Therefore I get over it. Yes it would be lovely to have a meal served up to me but I get over it when I open my wardrobe and it's full of clean clothes

The question OP is not if others could be married to such a man but could YOU?
You've said you don't want LTB but isn't that what you're asking?

FWIW I am married to an almost non-cooker. He can heat up a meal, make some simple fish and veg, a simple roast, but he gets very stressed by it all and tbh it's never as good as if I did it . What I resent is not so much the cooking but the planning, shopping and overall responsibility for it all. I work p/t he works f/t.

My dh loves cooking, I positively hate it. I do more housework in general though. I'll do anything to get out of cooking tbh.

I get where you're coming from. My dad is the same. It's the combination of all the burden falling on you and the fact that because he never does it, he probably doesn't appreciate what is involved. Being a SAHP does make it more complicated - we both work, and clean, and cook, but the fact that you don't WOH is always there are as a counterargument.

So he does fish fingers and waffles. What else? Dolmio and pasta? Soup and bread? Sandwiches? Chicken kievs and chips? Baked pieces of chicken? Beans on toast? Picky tea for the kids? Pesto or philly or grated cheese and pasta with a few veg/cherry toms? I think there's a halfway house here of him expanding his repertoire without doing what you'd consider "proper" cooking, showing the DC that men cook too (without being sniffy about the menu) and giving you the odd night off.

Geordie makes a great point re whether there's stuff that he just gets done without any input from you. We don't tend to work like that, but I think it's more common in a family with a SAHP.

It's nothing to do with gender stereotypes, he's never learned and isn't interested.

I'm not sure about that. I think women (especially mothers) are judged far less harshly than men who don't/can't cook. I think there are more men who can't cook than women (based on a very unstatistically significant sample of people I know) and food tech was always a "girls' subject" at school.

I don't think we're at the point where the person who does the cooking for the family isn't a woman as the default.

well not seeing a man cook is not the end of the world .my hubby has only ever cooked the children egg sandwiches and baked potatoes .that was it if i left him to do tea . but my middle son is a qualified chef so not seeing his father make an effort never put him off .if he helps with the children and other things its no big deal especially as you a sahm to school age children .

Sorry, just to be clear, It's nothing to do with gender stereotypes, he's never learned and isn't interested. might be true in your particular case but generally I think the expectation is that women do the cooking for the family.

I like to think I'm a good cook but I don't know how to steam vegetables in the microwave. I tried peas once and they went solid.

Suggest you say nothing about him cooking for a little while.

Then one weekend ask for some help to prep, just carrots for example. Chat together nicely about anything but actual cooking.

Leave it a bit, then another weekend, whilst prepping carrots, mention your aching wrist, 'love, be a dear, put some water in a saucepan for me and put it on the stove.' When boiling, 'throw carrots in and tell me when twenty minutes is up. '

Well, that's how Nanna and our daughters got their kids cooking, strikes me he's at that level.

Or, buy him a day course for handmade bread, that's usually considered a manly thing to do.

Or, take the view none of us is perfect and accept there's one thing he can't do and enjoy the rest of him.

I have been very ill and have had to get my mum to cook.
Rainbow like I said I'm more than happy during week but at weekends I feel it should be shared and to ask for the odd occasion.
I don't think that working is a mans job in fact I'm looking to going back to work for a few days after being ill for so long but I will still be the one responsible for food regardless

Gently I think I will try that and also try to accept that he may never cook a meal scratch or otherwise.
Just like it is sensible to at least have some basic knowledge about DIY, car maintenance I think when you have kids it's essential to at least scrape something together

I never cooked for my ex husband in 15 years, I hate cooking and I have to follow a special diet so I'm not cooking twice. It wasn't a problem.
I just did his ironing to make up for it. I think divorcing him for this is very harsh quite honestly and this is from someone who never puts up with any unreasonable shit from a man.
My divorce had nothing to do with cooking btw.

Flouncing, is using shaming tactics appropriate ? You re teaching your children to have no respect for their father.

The refusal to do it would infuriate me. I do most of the cooking, but DH will cook if I'm out, or otherwise if I ask him to. If he refused I'd be pretty unimpressed.

What I really didn't like when I did all the cooking was that I lost the love of it.

The relentless decision as to what we should eat as well as the cooking was killing my enjoyment.

I'm completely reborn since I don't do it every day. Tonight DH is making dinner and I've already knocked up a pudding I've been planning to make for ages with a lot of fruit I froze.

I'm a sahm my DH works I do all the cooking and cleaning. I wouldn't expect him to cook TBH because he goes out to work full time. I don't see the issue here. Surely you can prep your meals before DC come home from school it's not like you've got younger children during the day to see to.

Ok I agree about the cake but I don't feel I could go away for a weekend and the kids would be fed a decent meal at least once out of the 2 sets of lunches or dinners.
I'm really not mocking him. I didn't know how to cook when we met but could follow instructions from back of packets!
FGS I'm not expecting him to cook meals from scratch.
Allegretto you have summarised exactly what I'm saying. It's an essential part of family life. I accept that I will do most of the meals but does that mean he never ever tries?? I find that absurd

And again- not expecting anything from him during the week

I didn't know how to cook when we met but could follow instructions from back of packets!

You said he's cooked fish gingers and waffles so he is capable of doing that.

My OH can cook but he's bloody messy and uses ridiculous utensils - the potato masher for removing sausages from the grill was the best one. I cook and plan our dinners as I'm at home on maternity. When I'm back at work I expect I'll do the same as I'm home from work earlier (teacher) than him as he doesn't normally get in till six. When it was the two of us that was fine but now we have Ds I want him to have predictable tea time. It's not a deal breaker for me as he provides well and does lots of other things I don't.

And toad in the hole is a difficult meal to cook for someone who doesn't!! My dad can't even do that and he's a fab cook.