Could you be married to someone if....

[WhatThePuck]

In most other ways he's fine (few issues as normal) but point blank refuses to cook.
In 12 years of marriage and 17 years together never once cooked.
I by the way am a SAHP who at least likes to feed DC from scratch at least 4 times a week even if it's simple. DH only able to do at weekends which I totally get.
His reason: I can't cook
I've bought books, sometimes forced him to help but it always creates an argument.
We had a small flat and he said the kitchen was too small. We have now moved and kitchen is big but he doesn't know where anything is
I've tried once or twice to leave him to it but he just takes DC out to eat or gives waffles and fish fingers.
Once I had somewhere to go & was going to be back late and asked him to pick up DC from school. I then asked him what the plans were for dinner for DC and he said he didn't realise he had to cook and something about still working from home so wouldn't get time.
I ended up writing instructions and leaving out ingredients for toad in the hole.
If he was left to his devices he would eat cereal all day long. Fine but what about the kids?
I feel that he doesn't understand how much time and thought actually goes into planning for a meal and the frustration of thinking of what to cook everyday. Its really frustrating although he hasn't said he expects me to cook I have told him that because he doesn't it obviously means I have to.
Since we didn't have space before we didn't have friends round but now I'd like to invite people over. I told him we need to put some dates in diary for one of my long term friends.
He said yes but he wanted to invite his friend another time. I said half jokingly fine what are you going to make. I was left with no comment.
Every birthday I bake & decorate a cake cos he has a sweet tooth. Last year I said I didn't want a gift I wanted him to show that he went to effort i.e. make a cake but that never happened.
WWYD & am I being U and asking too much?

Assuming he pulls his weight in other respects then I think you're looking for trouble where there's none.

I never did more than putting a ready meal in the oven before I had kids, all the cooking (and shopping) was done by my husband. Hardly a big deal. I only started when I had kids, because I was the one at home with them obviously.

To be fair, I did not expect or ask him to cook for me, and was happy to pay for a decent restaurant if we were eating out.

Not being able to warm up a ready meal would annoy me I think, that's a bit excessive!

Will he prepare uncooked meals? Salad, crudités and shop bought hummus, hot smoked salmon, potato salad etc. Open sandwiches, cheese and oatcakes....

TBH I have no idea how to make toad in the hole and I don't really understand how it works so I wouldn't call it an easy meal.

However I couldn't stay married to someone who wouldn't prepare the kids a healthy meal of some sort.

Nope.
OH loves cooking, I love that.

Given the children are school aged so you have pretty much all day every day free it's not a lot to do really is it to cook the evening meal.

Um...I was a sahm when both my kids were at school. I wouldn't describe it as having all day everyday free. Sahp do quite a bit more than looking after the kids and making dinner.

Op If you've gone on for this long without him cooking it'll be very painful to get him to start now.

My DH can cook but when I was a sahm he did virtually nothing. He'd sometimes cook when we had guests.
If he's contributing in other ways I'd personally just leave it. Yes it's a pain always cooking and not getting a break.
Maybe ask if he could help with chopping up veg. It's a start.

I dont cook. Dh does it all. He works from home it make sense.

I can cook fish fingers etc. If i cooked and made something like that dh wouldnt insist i did something different.

I dont see the issue and dont see why this is 'wife work' convo.

I do all the cooking here as OH can't cook. OH does all the DIY, gardening and car maintenance as I'm clueless about all that. Cleaning is split.

Rather than bitching at each other over our weaknesses, we realise how lucky we are that we are both able to bring different things to the relationship. Imagine if neither of us could cook or fix the car? We'd be screwed!

He might genuinely not know how to cook, as some others have said why don't you cook a meal together? We always do that at weekends and I've learnt things from my other half even though I'm good at and enjoy cooking (he's a chef 👨🏼‍🍳) It's a really nice sociable thing to do -while-drinking-wine- and might make him feel more confident to be able to cook for you and dc.

Expecting him to cook for the kids a few basic meals is fine, but a birthday cake? When he hates cooking is asking a bit much. He obviously has no idea, so you should try and encourage him to help you so he will pick up a few tips

Duh can't get that strike through effect 😳

If he generally pulls his weight in other areas of housework then I wouldn't mind at all. But I quite like cookoing. If DH never helped clean I'd feel like you.
But...I do think we can't dictate how our OHs do jobs we delegate to them. His job is to feed DC something relatively healthy. If that's fish fingers, potato waffles, baked beans and fresh fruit or a take away then that's up to him. I'd be inclined to keep some abidec drops or vitamin chews in the house and dose DC up with them any time their dad's in charge of feeding them, then leave him to it.

Shoot me now. I have a DH who can cook.
But at a recently girly conversation over food (in a restaurant) i had to keep very quiet, as most of the ladies were saying their husbands/partners never cooked. I don't think you are on your own. I also don't think fish fingers, oven chips and beans once or twice a month is the end of the world. Let him start small, and build it up.

He works full time while you are a SAHM, with school age children?

How would you feel if he said your way of cleaning, or dealing with the children on the way home from school wasn't up to scratch? He could explain in detail just how he'd like things done.

If he's happy to make a beige meal every so often, can't you go with it?

I work 4 days, but do the cooking at home because I like cooking and DH doesn't. I don't like heavy digging, car maintenance, mopping the floor or driving at night. He does those things, I cook.

One a week though, he orders a takeaway, or makes a curry from a jar. It won't kill any of us to eat that, and I enjoy an evening off.

My DH and DSs all cook. In fact DS1 has just cooked roast chicken. He loves cooking and cookery progs. But I think you should stop nagging your DH to make cakes and toad in the hole. They're not easy to get right. Rather a goady OP actually. As for this manchild business

How does he manage when you aren't around? Does he ever look after the kids by himself?
My DH is similar, although he will cook spaghetti bolognaise. I do sympathise with you, but don't have any suggestions. In my DH's case it's a mixture of lack of confidence, and having zero interest in food (apart from eating it!). When I'm away he lives off pizzas and toast!

My dh doesn't like to cook but he makes all the tea, all of it if I want a cup of tea I just ask for one and he after a lot of coaching, arguing and persuading makes bacon sandwiches at the weekend. If he makes all my teas I can cope with it and if he moans I point out he has by far the better end of the deal.

Last year I said I didn't want a gift I wanted him to show that he went to effort i.e. make a cake but that never happened.
WWYD & am I being U and asking too much?

Did you actually say 'for my birthday i want you to make a cake?'

My version of making an effort with cake would be to order one.

Yanbu. My dad was like this growing up and I hated it then! It's not like not doing diy or car maintenance, it's an essential daily task! I can forgive not knowing how to cook but not refusing even to learn!

YABU.

It sounds like you have very high standards.

Really did the DCs have to have homemade toad in the hole because you weren't there? Would it have killed them to have fish fingers and waffles for one night.

Your DH can cook, if by cooking you mean he can stick something in the oven for the appropriate amount of time. Why does it bother you so much that he doesn't cook from scratch?

When I invite people over for dinner, sometimes we buy a takeaway - we do warn them in advance. Or new thing ( or 70s thing) I've started offering fondues - minimum pre work and fun for guests.

I really think you are making this into a big thing and you need to step back and take another look.

My DH didn't cook for years.
It didn't bother me too much. I like cooking. Though it can be a bit dull being in charge of all meals no matter how much you enjoy it.

Then he encouraged me to pursue my work more ambitiously and offered to start cooking as part of that. He's now embarrassed at how little he cooked before and has been hugely instrumental in teaching DC the cook. He sees it as an adult life skill.

I now cook two evening meals per week. DH does two. DS17 does two. The other will often be a meal out, a takeaway or one of us volunteers an extra. Obviously we're not rigid about days/turns.

It's lovely. We all enjoy our turns and plan and shop as a group effort.

You sound as if you're mocking him OP. If he's rubbish at cooking and doesn't enjoy it, why are you putting him under pressure?

I wouldn't know how to steam vegetables in a microwave tbh.

To me this isn't a big deal. I do know what you mean not wanting DC to think only women cook but it's a small issue in the scheme of things. My DH also rarely cooks and when he does it's convenience foods, but so what - everyone has to start somewhere and actually, his repertoire is slowly increasing.

Yes, I would put up with it because I am also married to a non cooker.

If ever I am not available to prepare our meals, he orders a take away or eats out. When I've been away for a few days, he's ordered take away for days on end, rotating between pizza, curry, Chinese, fish and chips, Thai, kebab etc.

It is annoying, especially the ££ and health aspect of the takeaways but I have long given up trying to sort it.

DH does make himself a sandwich and on rare occasions will make cheese on toast (after the pub). He will do specific tasks in the kitchen if asked, like peel the potatoes for a roast. He is also generally very good around the house, does plenty of housework, clearing up, gardening, bins and anything that needs doing really. On balance it is ok, it is just annoying that my job (cooking) has to be done daily at a specific time.

Yanbu OP about the cooking. But I don't think you can expect your DH to bake a cake. Cooking a meal is different, he should help.

I'm not going to say LTB, but a friend of mine's dh once asked her where the cups etc were to make us a cup of coffee (they had been married for 25 years) They are now divorced. The no cooking ever thing was one of the bug bears in their marriage.

She enjoyed cooking (I don't!) but not every flipping day for ever. It matters not whether your dh is away for half of the year or is home every weekend. He should help now and again.

I think if my partner said to me 'There is one important household task you are dodging and I am getting really really tired of doing it all the time, and I think it would be good for the kids to see it isn't just me doing this task all the time,' then I would do it. Not necessarily on a day when I was really busy or stressed - but I would do it. Firstly because it meant a lot to him. And secondly because I would know that he had right on his side.