Could you be married to someone if....

[WhatThePuck]

In most other ways he's fine (few issues as normal) but point blank refuses to cook.
In 12 years of marriage and 17 years together never once cooked.
I by the way am a SAHP who at least likes to feed DC from scratch at least 4 times a week even if it's simple. DH only able to do at weekends which I totally get.
His reason: I can't cook
I've bought books, sometimes forced him to help but it always creates an argument.
We had a small flat and he said the kitchen was too small. We have now moved and kitchen is big but he doesn't know where anything is
I've tried once or twice to leave him to it but he just takes DC out to eat or gives waffles and fish fingers.
Once I had somewhere to go & was going to be back late and asked him to pick up DC from school. I then asked him what the plans were for dinner for DC and he said he didn't realise he had to cook and something about still working from home so wouldn't get time.
I ended up writing instructions and leaving out ingredients for toad in the hole.
If he was left to his devices he would eat cereal all day long. Fine but what about the kids?
I feel that he doesn't understand how much time and thought actually goes into planning for a meal and the frustration of thinking of what to cook everyday. Its really frustrating although he hasn't said he expects me to cook I have told him that because he doesn't it obviously means I have to.
Since we didn't have space before we didn't have friends round but now I'd like to invite people over. I told him we need to put some dates in diary for one of my long term friends.
He said yes but he wanted to invite his friend another time. I said half jokingly fine what are you going to make. I was left with no comment.
Every birthday I bake & decorate a cake cos he has a sweet tooth. Last year I said I didn't want a gift I wanted him to show that he went to effort i.e. make a cake but that never happened.
WWYD & am I being U and asking too much?

If you don't want to cook at the weekends, eat out, have a takeaway or pizza/salad.

Mon-Fri you can cook from scratch if you like, but at the weekend it would give you more time with the family.

I get where you're coming from OP, because my DH is exactly the same. It's irritating as my DF & both DGF's did most of the cooking. I wish my DH cooked, but he doesn't. He does more than his fair share of other jobs though.

Very fair point Purple.

I think expecting someone who has never cooked to do toad in the hole is unreasonable.

You could try cooking a simple recipe with him. There are also women who don't cook, the most important thing is that he doesn't leave the kids to go hungry when he's left with them.

Perhaps you could buy some shove in the oven things, that are effortless.

If everything else in your relationship is going well, don't stress about things that can be easily resolved.

So he can cook fish fingers? Well what's wrong with that?

You are putting far too much emphasis on this need to cook from scratch. He doesn't like cooking, isn't particularly good at it and when you go out you expect him to cook a meal from scratch?

It's ok to throw fish fingers and chips in the oven or even the microwave.

You're at home all day and have plenty of time to cook from scratch if you so wish. But tbh I think you're making too big a deal of it.

I cook everything from scratch. My DP (who doesn't cook either) says that he is lost in my kitchen because all it contains is ingredients. but if I were away overnight I'm sure he could survive even if that meant ringing domino's

And life really is too short to get so worked up about these things.

Im on the fence on this one. Yes itd be good if he could cook from scratch once in a while but he hates it so just putting oven things in once in a while so you can have a break from cooking is better than nothing. Or even sorting a takeaway as long as its not each time. No effort would annoy me though.

Sandy he doesn't know how to defrost in microwave and he gets confused between the grill and oven symbols

I don't mean that he should cook from scratch but a salad and a quiche bunged in the oven?

Ready made quiche that is

I'm a really good cook and I still can't defrost in the microwave.

If he gets confused between oven and grill symbols, he'll just have to look it up.

The main thing is to get him to agree to take responsibility for some cooking and then you try not to be too judgy about his efforts. I had to leave the kitchen when dh first started cooking because I just wanted to take over.

I'm a SAHM, though only one of my DC is school age, and my DH doesn't cook either, he doesn't even want to have any input in what we do eat, despite being the fussiest eater in the family.

It used to really irritate me - till I realised how many things he does without any input from me. Things I have no interest in but that need to happen for the smooth running of the household.

There's no harm in both of you playing to your strengths. Nor will occasionally having processed food do your kids any harm.

Yes that's what I want to do- leave him to it.

I'm not asking for a gourmet meal. But once every 3 months that's 4 times a year to sort the kids out even if it's not for me.

My DH doesn't cook. It's drives me nuts but he's great in any other way. He can make fishfingers and chips, pasta and cheese, scrambled eggs and cheese toasted. In 20 years he has never cooked me a meal but such is life. On the other hand he's always happy to go out to eat or call in for food

I'd aim for more than once every three months.

What I would do is choose an evening to meal plan and write a list. It could include one easy meal to be cooked by him. If it is one that can be bunged in the oven, could he really object to that?

When does he get home from work?

DH has been shamed into cooking as I've taught the DC the basics from the year dot and DD (at 5) showed him how to cook a pizza. The DC have also shammed him into learning how to operate the washing machine, where we keep the tools, how to put up a shelf.

Toad in the hole is quite a big beginners from scratch meal. Could he try something a bit more beans on toast to start and venture onto pasta and sauce etc?

DH has now realised its not rocket science but not upped his repertoire yet but he can now even use the iron, the one job I really hate! Its become routine and he does it without complaining.

I'm building up to teaching him basic car maintenance, things like changing bulbs.

No I wouldn't. Specifically because I hate cooking and very much want someone who is happy to take over

Can you send him on a days cookery course somewhere? They aren't cheap, but it may help.

I wouldn't let my DH send me anywhere. Complete waste of time and money if he's just not into it. My friend can't cook, she hates it. Her husband used to work away a lot, he'd cook and freeze a load of stuff before he went.

The thing is she did absolutely everything else, including picking up the slack while he was away and all other housework and childcare. I think it's ok to say you're not going to do something you hate when you do loads of other stuff for your family.

I can only imagie the last thing your DH would want to do after coming from a long day at work is to cook a meal, escpecially one from sratch. You are a SAHM, it is likely that you will be able to find the time to cook for the family.

How about spending about an hour each week planning meals and a shopping list so you don't waste time thinking about what to cook? You could also cook in large bacthes and freeze some for later on.

If you dont like cooking at weekends, then either eat out or make more of your weekly meals and freeze ?, as most have said, he does not want to cook, it would not be a major problem to me if he was pulling his weight elsewhere.

I think it would be a dealbreaker for me. Because parents have to be able to fill in for each other to look after the children. One parent might be sick or have to go away. Even if it is very little more than cooking pasta and stirring in a ready-made sauce and having some veg on the side, it is a necessary skill. (Finances are unlikely to permit night after night of takeaways.

So it is really about abdicating an important part of parenthood. Saying that cooking and also bringing up children to have a healthy diet is not their business.

Probably I'd want to go for counselling of some kind if a partner wouldn't do it. (I'd need to want to understand what was going on. Quite why the block was as big as it was.) There are jobs I dislike and do less of, but I'd regard it as my responsibility to do say, basic DIY. It is not good for there to be a completely rigid gender split in terms of who does what. And it is not a good way of helping children to reach their full potential either.

'It's hardly going down the mine, is it?'

Sorry, off thread but this made me laff Blether

I don't think either party in a marriage should refuse to participate in something as essential as the provision of decent food. It's fine if a couple want to arrange their lives in this way, and play to the strengths, but one person cannot say, "no, not doing it", leaving full responsibility to their unwilling partner.

I think asking him to bake you a cake is being deliberately and rather unpleasantly goady.,

Different things are dealbreakers for different people. But not being able to feed yourself and others seems to me about being a child rather than an adult.

Some maternal women probably like to take care of manchildren. However it wouldn't appeal to me.

Teach the kids to make a simple meal (e.g. Stir fry with noodles or rice). Tell them they'll need to teach daddy how to make it as he can't cook. They can all make it together first time for you and in future they
L have a dish to make when you are out.