Could you be married to someone if....

[WhatThePuck]

In most other ways he's fine (few issues as normal) but point blank refuses to cook.
In 12 years of marriage and 17 years together never once cooked.
I by the way am a SAHP who at least likes to feed DC from scratch at least 4 times a week even if it's simple. DH only able to do at weekends which I totally get.
His reason: I can't cook
I've bought books, sometimes forced him to help but it always creates an argument.
We had a small flat and he said the kitchen was too small. We have now moved and kitchen is big but he doesn't know where anything is
I've tried once or twice to leave him to it but he just takes DC out to eat or gives waffles and fish fingers.
Once I had somewhere to go & was going to be back late and asked him to pick up DC from school. I then asked him what the plans were for dinner for DC and he said he didn't realise he had to cook and something about still working from home so wouldn't get time.
I ended up writing instructions and leaving out ingredients for toad in the hole.
If he was left to his devices he would eat cereal all day long. Fine but what about the kids?
I feel that he doesn't understand how much time and thought actually goes into planning for a meal and the frustration of thinking of what to cook everyday. Its really frustrating although he hasn't said he expects me to cook I have told him that because he doesn't it obviously means I have to.
Since we didn't have space before we didn't have friends round but now I'd like to invite people over. I told him we need to put some dates in diary for one of my long term friends.
He said yes but he wanted to invite his friend another time. I said half jokingly fine what are you going to make. I was left with no comment.
Every birthday I bake & decorate a cake cos he has a sweet tooth. Last year I said I didn't want a gift I wanted him to show that he went to effort i.e. make a cake but that never happened.
WWYD & am I being U and asking too much?

As long as he can put food into the mouths of the children when Im not there, then I cant care more than that. Oh and as long as he isnt a pita to feed so if I only fancy cooking omlettes one evening then eat them or make yourself something but dare not complain.

I wouldn't put up with it. I'm a SAHM to a toddler and an older child with SN who is home ed so my days are pretty busy. I'm happy to do the bulk of the cooking as I'm there but DP cooks about twice a week usually.

I don't think any adult in a household should get to permanently opt out of something just because they don't like doing it, especially when it is something that needs doing daily! That said, whoever is cooking in my house will chose what they are making and if that is sometimes a crappy freezer food tea then that's fine.

On the gender stereotypes thing, I come from a family where the men do a lot if not most of the cooking. One of them is a professional chef.

And have another great friend who never cooks, her DH does it all.

I don't really think that nowadays there is an expectation that women always cook, actually.

Even my Dad could manage to cook for us when mum was away so if he can do it, anyone can!

His twice cooked bread with pate is a culinary delight!

My OH would eat nothing but sandwiches if I left him to his own devices. Been with him almost 10 years and still trying to get him to realise that maybe he could at least make me a sandwich while he's at it!

I'm gradually teaching him to cook now we live together, he can do toasties now too!

I think it's fine for an adult to not nourish themselves adequately- their funeral.

But to not be able to feed your children properly is pretty inadequate no? It's so basic.

whats wrong with fishfingers?

i dont cook from scratch never was taught and i dont like cooking either

does it matter in the big scheme of things

If your concern about going away for the weekend is that he would forget to feed them or give them only cereal then you may have a point.

however if it's more that they would have oven food from frozen, pasta with ready made sauce and perhaps a Dominos then you're being slightly ridiculous.

DH isn't much of a cook and when I go away the meals are pretty basic. He also seems incapable of remembering how long things take so that one time I came back after a weekend away, DS said he was glad to see me back as he was fed up of eating "burnt" for dinner .

Nowadays DS keeps an eye on the oven timings himself- a useful life skill for when he lives on his own.

I think you need to unclench a little. Your DCs won't starve if your Dh looks after them for a weekend. Give them vitamin tablets and chop up lots of finger veg in advance if you're that concerned.

But why should the OP have to micro manage when/if she is not able to cook?

It's a waste of money having take outs especially if you can't afford it. What would OP's husband have to say if she decided to just get take outs as she can't be bothered to cook.

I think it's shameful (of the husband) that OP's mum had to step in to cook when OP was ill.

Is your DH literally perfect in every other way or is this the most annoying thing in a long list of things that annoy you about him? Is he supportive, kind, takes his kids out, plays with them etc? If so I'd say you've got a few options

1. Instigate family cooking nights on a Saturday/Sunday where everyone learns to cook, dc included, start off with pizzas, everyone adds toppings to a pre-bought or pre-made base, build up slowly to trickier stuff, pasta, shepherds pies, cakes cookies etc. Eventually when everyone's got confidence turn this into mums night off when dad and kids cook only.
2. Strike on weekends, only eat ready meals, or takeaways or insist on going out for food
3. accept he doesn't cook and stop stressing about it

Can he make a sandwich, beans on toast? You mentioned waffles and fish fingers - has he cooked this? If so honestly your dc won't be malnourished after a weekend of his cooking if you went away so try and relax - maybe if you used a bit of reverse psychology and literally never mention it he might come round to it?

Alternatively if he's an arse in many other ways I'd stop cooking for him and only cook for myself and my dc until he gets the message

Play to your strengths as long as you both think it's fair. I cook and he earns money and does our finances which I would hate.

OP doesn't need to micromanage, just needs to accept that her DCs will eat beige oven food or takeaway if she isn't cooking. As this appears to be completed unacceptable to her I was simply suggesting ways of keeping standards up to the required level while she is away.

Cake making is an art that requires precise measurements and cooking times, to ask a complete novice to do that is being a bit of a goody arse imo. Same with toad in the hole. I love to cook but can cock up toad in a hole in a heartbeat.

Nothing wrong with fish fingers, you can get incredibly healthy versions these days and even if he can heat up some tinned veg it's not going to kill your kids to eat food prepared from frozen food and tinned veg or fruit over a weekend. Most tinned or frozen veg are sometimes fresher than the stuff you get in the supermarkets.

Maybe he is just knackered from working all week and just hates cooking! So what?

Also if you are a satm and kids are at school why not batch cook for the freezer which you take out and eat at the weekends.

Also I have no idea what my microwave symbols mean when it comes to defrost etc. they are bloody confusing unless you use them every day!

We are discussing my return to work. I am not going to be able to do FT but if I did does that change any opinions? I may come home possibly a little earlier.
Should I still be the one cook ALL the time?

Should I still be the one cook ALL the time?

You clearly don't think so, so why does it matter what everyone here thinks? If you're gong back to work it's even more important to make sure your dh takes responsibility for some meals.

I can only say that for me, increasing the hours I worked, especially outside the home was definitely made easier by a division on the food front.

But TBF to DH he was the one who suggested he start sharing those duties.

If you go back to work OP then I foresee your fridge and freezer being full of easy to prepare food that just pops in the oven or can be heated on the hob / made from jars and doesn't need lengthy preparation from scratch

I work full time and mostly do all the cooking as my OH gets in later than me. Doesn't take me long to cook, even a full roast is just popping the oven on, seasoning a chicken and bunging it in the oven and adding some peeled veg in later. Then you can sit down whilst it cooks

Cooking doesn't mean hours and hours in the kitchen. You can make home made fajitas in under 15 mins including chopping veg and meat time.

Simple solution, you cook, he cleans up after. If everything else is perfect I wouldn't let it bother you.

I completely understand your frustration and unfortunately I think this has become one of those arguments that you've had so often, he's completely dug his heels in.

I do think toad in the hole and a birthday cake are over ambitious for a novice cook.

Fish fingers and waffles/oven chips once a week is fine. Microwaving ready meals or heating up pizza also OK.

I cooked every night when I was a SAHP. When I went back to work, we shared but we did eat a lot of ready meals or really easy things in the week and only cooked properly at weekends. Since my H has retired (I'm still working), he's taken over the bulk of the cooking and become much more adventurous.

Totally agree with Hedda that he's dig his heels in. Which is not an admirable quality in a partner, but honestly I can see why if you're throwing shit like "bake me a cake to prove you care about me" at him

Totally fair that you do most of the cooking on weekdays, because being a SAHM to two school age children is less work that a FT WOH job. It just is, and if anyone tries to argue that I will them.

Not fair though if you're also on duty all weekend (though fair enough if you use some of the school time during the week to make the weekend easier, like batch cooking for the freezer).

Stop goading him with cooking from scratch. Decide on a small number of meals that he can do at the weekend. Weekends should be shared anyway, so one lunch and one dinner per week, and maybe every other weekend a takeaway / meal out if you can afford it and if it's what you like to eat. No reason that Sat lunch can't always be baked potato and salad and choice of toppings. You under cook a spud and it goes back in (or microwave rescue). Over cook it - meh, you have to go hours before it's inedible!

Don't micromanage and don't criticise.

If he deliberately fucks it up week in week out to force you to give up, then divorce him - because that's a bigger issue.

It could be that he lacks confidence? Before children I did all of the cooking/washing up -loved it. During my DWs first maternity leave she got incredibly upset with the dinners she made. A genuine lack of confidence. I think we can underestimate how hard cooking can seem to someone out of practice, and they can feel exposed presenting a basic dinner to someone who enjoys cooking. Identify a dinner he loves, show him how to cook it, and ask for it every once in a while?

My DH could cook if he had to. When our DC were younger, if he was left with them, they had McDonald's or KFC, if there wasn't anything I'd already cooked.

He can put ready meals in the oven and if he was unable to operate the microwave, then I'd show him how to do it.

I have previously found his not cooking annoying, but I knew if I wanted my DC to have a healthy meal when I was off on a girls weekend, then I would have to cook it before I left.

I soon realised that the kids would soon grow up and be able to sort themselves out and that McDonald's even for one full weekend twice or three times in a year would not be harmful.

I did used to think (when the kids were younger), that if I suddenly died in they'd live off takeaways for life. In reality, I know he'd cook if he had too.

user147 has a point. DH couldn't really cook when we got together and I think it's no accident that the things that he cooks are different to what I cook. He's developed his "specialities".

He is also a much better carpenter than me, but when I put up my first shelf he said it was great and admired my choice of batten positions. He didn't say it hardly counted as carpentry, or that all he really wanted for his birthday was a hand made cabinet, and when the DIY fell to me he didn't leave me instructions for making a full blown chest of drawers with dovetail joints. Yes it's a dodgy analogy. Yes I do think your DH should cook more, and this is more about him than you, and you've had a harsh ride on this thread. I get that you are hacked off with doing it all the time and that's fair enough. But I think a more cooperative approach might help, or failing that, more guile

My dh doesn't cook. He hates it. When he was single he'd eat out or have a takeaway every day. He's made 2 cooked breakfast since we've been together so he could cook if he wanted to. Last night i was tired and he bought frozenchicken nuggets and chips and made that for the kids.

I love cooking though and i only like eating food made by people who know how to cook. My exes could all cook and we shared cooking but i wasn't a sahm with them.

Oh and my dad has never cooked but both my brothers can and do cook.