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Original poster

Admitting my DP is an alcoholic

104 replies

user1492768921 · 23/04/2017 03:18

I'm exhausted and fucking angry. I just need to rant, this'll be a long one (I've obviously name changed for this as it's very outing)

I'm finally admitting to myself that my DP is an alcoholic. We have a six month old baby and she's ebf, I work from home and make good money and he is essentially a sahd but my work is extremely flexible so I'm able to look after our DD a good deal too.
Money goes into our account on a Monday and so every Monday without fail I'm left alone to look after the baby while he goes to the pub. This is fair enough but he spends all of our weekly money and gets ridiculously drunk (as In he can't walk straight.) He also buys a big crate of beer and will get drunk Tuesday night at home, so again I'm left to look after the baby.
As my DD is ebf I do all of the night wakings, which is still every three hours or so. In the mornings he's hung over / not gone to bed till 2am so I have to deal with the baby in the mornings too even though I've been up every three hours with her and I'm exhausted!
I take the baby out for a couple of hours every other day to give him some space so he can have some time out but he'll only do this for me if we have money in the account so he can go to the pub with her?! I literally have to beg him to take her so I can get cleaning done and when he does its like he's done me a massive favour "oh DD's probably bored of me I've seen her all day, she's barely seen you." it's not like I've even had five minutes to myself I've been cleaning and getting laundry done all day!?!
The worst thing was that saturday was my birthday and he said he'd look after DD so I could go to dinner with some friends. He took some of my birthday money I'd been given from family from my purse and used it to get stinking drunk while 'looking after' DD! I knew he would do this so I didn't even have a glass of wine while I was out at dinner and stressed out the whole time, my birthday was fucking shite to be honest! I literally looked at the money in my purse and thought I should take it with me but thought that he wouldn't stoop so low as to steal this money from me!
He came to bed half an hour ago and woke up the baby stumbling around and I had to deal with that, I'm just so exhausted but I can't sleep because I'm so fucking angry about everything.
What the fuck do I do? I have a baby with this man!!

OP posts:
EnFlique · 23/04/2017 03:22

Leave. Or he needs to leave.

You and your daughter are better off without him; he's a danger to her.
It sounds as though you are in a fortunate position with work; doing it on your own will be much easier as you won't have an overgrown manchild to look after.

Original poster
user1492768921 · 23/04/2017 03:33

Thank you, I know this but he's honestly such a good dad other than this.
He looks after her all day while I work and is so good with her. He does take her sometimes to let me sleep as well, it's just when he's drinking so his one night out on Monday and then sometimes a night out at the weekend.
Honestly, a lot of it is my fault too. I've never told him any of this but I just feel if he was thinking about anyone other than himself for one second he'd realise he's being a fuck.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2017 03:47

An alcoholic can NOT be a good dad and you know it. It's time for a serious ultimatum. Either he gets help and gets sober NOW or you leave. Also, for the love of god, put YOUR money into a separate account that he can not access. It's time to get real and start protecting yourself and your child. You CAN NOT fix him. He has to fix himself.

MerryMarigold · 23/04/2017 03:56

Protect your child and protect your money. He sounds like he needs to get a job.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/04/2017 08:23

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

This is what life with an alcoholic is like; you are constantly firefighting. This is also a chaotic environment for you and your child.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what needs of yours is he meeting?. Did you think he was going to "change" when you had a child?. You probably did not want to admit to yourself that he is a drunkard.

Are you co-dependent when it comes to relationships; these types of relationships often involve co-dependency and it is very damaging. I would read up on co-dependency as well as seeking support from Al-anon.

Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you and he are no longer together. Fact. You are as caught up in his alcoholism as he is and NO he is not a good dad to his child if he is an alcoholic. You have likely played out the usual roles associated with such people i.e. provoker and enabler. You are not helping him at all and what you have tried to date has not worked and will not work.

Do you want your child to grow up thinking that this is normal from her dad?. Did you grow up in not too dissimilar circumstances, I wonder why you chose someone like this to have a child with. They make for being terrible parents and partners and he is frankly a danger to his child. Is he ever completely sober; I would say probably not. What is the longest period of time he has gone without alcohol?

You can and will manage without this alcoholic in your life, a person who also steals from you. He needs to be gone from your lives as of today. This is no life for either you or your DD. Get him out of your lives because currently he is simply dragging you and your child down with him.

bigchris · 23/04/2017 08:26

It's not just two nights a week though is it ?
It's the Tuesday he carries in drinking, and he probably drinks in the day when you're at work whilst he's looking after your dd

Plus when he takes her out all they go to is the pub? He's not a good dad

bigchris · 23/04/2017 08:27

And he spends all the weekly money on a Monday night ?

tribpot · 23/04/2017 08:29

How did I know the 'he's such a good dad apart from this' line was coming? I'm amazed by how low expectations are of dads.

So he's a good dad because he looks after her during the day except:

  • on Mondays when he goes out to drink all the family money
  • on Tuesdays when he is at home drinking what's left of the family money
  • in the night
  • in the mornings

He goes out at the weekends as well. And on the one occasion you did, he got drunk whilst looking after the baby. He also, despite being the SAHP, doesn't do any housework or laundry?

You realise if you earned more money he would drink more? Only money is curbing his problem at the moment.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/04/2017 08:33

And he is spending your money like there is no tomorrow either.

His primary relationship is with alcohol, its certainly not with you or your child.

Helloandgoodnight · 23/04/2017 08:40

He takes the baby to the pub?

And he's getting 'stinking drunk' while looking after her?

Why oh why are you saying he's a good dad?

Most women would flip if their partner ever did that once. I wouldn't let him near her ever again, let alone allow him to be a sahd which he's not really at all is he?

What a foul man.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/04/2017 08:44

Women in such relationships often write the "well he is a good dad" comment purely and simply because they have nothing positive themselves to write about their man. It is seen time and time again.

NormaSmuff · 23/04/2017 08:54

no one can tell you what to do here op
rant away here
keep ranting away for years if you like.
or take a look at yourselves from an outsiders perspective.

if you want something to change, then change it

Gertrudeisgerman · 23/04/2017 09:01

He takes a 6 month old baby to the pub?

And gets pissed whilst looking after her?

I've just had to give up alcohol because I have terrible mental health issues after drinking it so my relationship with it is awful but I would NEVER stoop so low as to take my baby to the pub and get fucked.

OP the way you are normalising this is terrible. Your daughter isn't safe around him.

Original poster
user1492768921 · 23/04/2017 10:12

He definitely isn't drinking while looking after her as I'm at home. It isn't that he's always drinking its more that when he does drink he drinks to excess and expects me to look after DD.
The one time he got stupidly drunk while looking after DD his excuse was that his sister was there, but I didn't ask his sister to look after DD Hmm he takes her to the pub for 'lunch' but I know he has beers there. Im going to talk to him about it today.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1492768921 · 23/04/2017 10:12

Thanks for reply really has given me a kick up the bum.

OP posts:
AudTheDeepMinded · 23/04/2017 10:18

Please, please leave him. I had a Dad a bit like this. The horror when you are older of spending hours in the pub with a progressively more pissed parent is awful, embarrassing and unsafe. My Mum actually used to try and make us go with him so that she knew he'd come home! and then he'd drive us home. It was humiliating as I grew aware of pitying glances from other people as I got older.
I've been non contact with him since 1998 and have not looked back
Being pissed with a small baby is fucking irresponsible, what if he stumbled whilst holding her, or onto her whilst she slept? This is no life for either of you.

Helloandgoodnight · 23/04/2017 10:27

He's not taking the baby out for 'lunch' is he? It's not as if you are going out as a family and the baby comes along.

He doesn't work, he wants to get pissed in the daytime so he has to take the baby. I doubt very much if he is in the right state to be in charge of a baby but what about his pisshead mates or the drunks in the the bar? If they're anything like the regular daytime drinkers around here it is not suitable for a baby. It's quite shocking really.

MongerTruffle · 23/04/2017 10:38

I know this but he's honestly such a good dad other than this.

A good dad wouldn't give up time with his daughter for alcohol. A good dad wouldn't spend all of the family money on a Monday night. A good dad wouldn't leave his wife to all of the housekeeping/childcare responsibilities.

tribpot · 23/04/2017 10:47

Can you honestly imagine describing someone as a 'good mum' who did these things? If not, you are applying the unbelievably low standard of good parenting that apparently is only okay for dads.

The words you use to describe his drinking are 'stupid', 'ridiculous', 'stinking' - as if there's some comedy aspect to his drinking (this is very much ingrained in our culture). Try dangerous instead.

kittybiscuits · 23/04/2017 10:52

He is not a good dad. He is not basically a SAHD. You do not know when he is and isn't drinking when 'caring for' your DD. Please seek support for yourself from someone who understands alcoholism and co-dependence. There is literally no point talking to him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/04/2017 10:56

Talking to him about his drinking is about as effective as peeing in the ocean.

Make plans to get him out of your lives asap; that would be a better use of your time.

Neverknowing · 23/04/2017 11:10

I don't understand why you wouldn't talk to him? If you've literally never said anything. Give him ONE chance to change, list everything that's wrong and then if he doesn't then leave.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/04/2017 11:14

TBH this relationship is well and truly over already and there is nothing to rescue and or save here. It is also not down to the OP to try to make changes, fix or rescue this. His primary relationship is with drink; not the OP or her child.

HandbagCrazy · 23/04/2017 11:30

I'm waiting for you to now say you're scared of separating because you wouldn't be comfortable with him having dc on his own.

He isn't a good father. He begrudges you having time off and he takes his dc to the pub so he can have a drink.
He is a SAHD but you earn the money, do all the housework and laundry, spend lots of time with dc and have the stress of finances while he steals family money to go to the pub. You may as well be single.

Harsh as it sounds, you need to wake up to what is happening around you. An alcoholic who doesn't want to change will just hide their drinking more if they know it's going to cause rows (several alcoholics in my family). He's in charge of your dc while intoxicated and hungover. Whether you believe alcoholism is a choice or an illness is irrelevant because the impact on your child is the same. Dc comes first. He needs to leave

kittybiscuits · 23/04/2017 11:32

And by the way you are walking headlong into a situation where if you do eventually get your shit together to leave, he will be resident parent and you will still be paying him to get pissed and ignore your daughter.