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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Admitting my DP is an alcoholic

104 replies

user1492768921 · 23/04/2017 03:18

I'm exhausted and fucking angry. I just need to rant, this'll be a long one (I've obviously name changed for this as it's very outing)

I'm finally admitting to myself that my DP is an alcoholic. We have a six month old baby and she's ebf, I work from home and make good money and he is essentially a sahd but my work is extremely flexible so I'm able to look after our DD a good deal too.
Money goes into our account on a Monday and so every Monday without fail I'm left alone to look after the baby while he goes to the pub. This is fair enough but he spends all of our weekly money and gets ridiculously drunk (as In he can't walk straight.) He also buys a big crate of beer and will get drunk Tuesday night at home, so again I'm left to look after the baby.
As my DD is ebf I do all of the night wakings, which is still every three hours or so. In the mornings he's hung over / not gone to bed till 2am so I have to deal with the baby in the mornings too even though I've been up every three hours with her and I'm exhausted!
I take the baby out for a couple of hours every other day to give him some space so he can have some time out but he'll only do this for me if we have money in the account so he can go to the pub with her?! I literally have to beg him to take her so I can get cleaning done and when he does its like he's done me a massive favour "oh DD's probably bored of me I've seen her all day, she's barely seen you." it's not like I've even had five minutes to myself I've been cleaning and getting laundry done all day!?!
The worst thing was that saturday was my birthday and he said he'd look after DD so I could go to dinner with some friends. He took some of my birthday money I'd been given from family from my purse and used it to get stinking drunk while 'looking after' DD! I knew he would do this so I didn't even have a glass of wine while I was out at dinner and stressed out the whole time, my birthday was fucking shite to be honest! I literally looked at the money in my purse and thought I should take it with me but thought that he wouldn't stoop so low as to steal this money from me!
He came to bed half an hour ago and woke up the baby stumbling around and I had to deal with that, I'm just so exhausted but I can't sleep because I'm so fucking angry about everything.
What the fuck do I do? I have a baby with this man!!

OP posts:
ifcatscouldtalk · 23/04/2017 11:41

Similar experiences to deepminded whilst growing up. It made me a very anxious child.
The problem is you can't control it or sort it out for him.
Does he want to get help or is he in denial?

mollyblack · 23/04/2017 11:41

Get rid of him now. The longer you stay with him, the worse and more complicated it will be.

Original poster
user1492768921 · 23/04/2017 11:42

The thing is that I have a lot of alcoholics in my family and I didn't ever want to be with anyone who even resembled an alcoholic.
I think he can change though, he listens when I tell him he's doing things wrong and really does try to change. I spoke to him this morning and he's brought his mum around to tell her and asked her to take the beers from the fridge. I think it's going to be a long journey, he has a lot of childhood trauma, his dad was an arse and alcohol is definitely a coping mechanism. I've told him he gets one chance. I feel it's worth a try if it keeps our family together.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1492768921 · 23/04/2017 11:45

ifcatscouldtalk he didn't realise it was as serious as it was because if he asked to go out I'd always say yes ofc you deserve a night out and if he asked to buy beer I'd always say yes even be the one to suggest he gets some beers! I've been an idiot, I should have sorted this before it got so bad.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 23/04/2017 11:47

He asked his mum to take the beers from the fridge? Terrible. Is he seeking help for all his past woes, on his own initiative?

Original poster
user1492768921 · 23/04/2017 11:48

Also, he does work part time but only if it fits with the work I need to do. He gets paid monthly though and it goes straight to bills, so I guess again it's my fault because sometimes he can only do say twelve hours a week because my business earns more money.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/04/2017 11:52

"The thing is that I have a lot of alcoholics in my family and I didn't ever want to be with anyone who even resembled an alcoholic".

Well you are and not altogether surprisingly you grew up within such a family too.

Re your comment:-

"I think he can change though, he listens when I tell him he's doing things wrong and really does try to change. I spoke to him this morning and he's brought his mum around to tell her and asked her to take the beers from the fridge. I think it's going to be a long journey, he has a lot of childhood trauma, his dad was an arse and alcohol is definitely a coping mechanism. I've told him he gets one chance. I feel it's worth a try if it keeps our family together".

How has this man tried to change exactly; he is also stealing money from your purse now too. You are as affected by his alcoholism as he is albeit in different ways. He asking his mother to take his beers from the fridge is an exercise in futility; he does most of his drinking with your DD down the pub.

How many chances have you already given him?.

You are simply compounding your error of judgment here in the first place by trying to keep the sinking ship afloat as you are. If he wants to change it has to come from he and he alone. Not you. You are in no position to ask for change and it cannot come from you. You are too close to be of any real use to him, not that he wants either your support or help anyway.

Many people as well have rubbish childhoods and do not become alcoholics to mask their pain from same. His alcoholism is not yours to carry or further enable for him. Doing all the above will prolong the agonies for you all, none of this will stop him drinking and it will only give you a false sense of control.

Original poster
user1492768921 · 23/04/2017 11:54

kitty he gave them to her for his step dad to have. Its more symbolic of him getting rid of the alcohol than anything else. He told his mum to show me he was admitting to his mistakes and his mum could keep an eye on him too, he's going to take DD there once or twice a week so I get a break.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/04/2017 11:54

"I should have sorted this before it got so bad".

No, again you are thinking that you can at all fix it. You cannot and that thought also smacks of co-dependency. The 3cs of alcoholism are true OP. Do read up on co-dependency and alcoholism and look how much that fits in with your own behaviours now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/04/2017 11:56

read this too:-

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

Your mother and you also feature in this 3 act play; you're going to simply end up enabling her son/your partner respectively.

Original poster
user1492768921 · 23/04/2017 11:56

attila I think you may well be right but I'm going to give it a try. I feel like (at least for right now) he is truly trying to change and also truly believes he can change!

OP posts:
Oldraver · 23/04/2017 11:57

Why does his Mum have to take the beers from the fridge ? He is just absolving himself from any responsibility

kittybiscuits · 23/04/2017 12:00

He is making a big show of 'trying' so he can say however hard he tried it wasn't enough for you. It's all show.

Lilyloo456 · 23/04/2017 12:00

Leave! There's no hope being a family
When his priorities are getting drunk. Speaking from experience here. In my situation it just escalated and I wish I had the balls to leave sooner. Only he can change what he does. Leave him to it. Concentrate on yourself and your baby Flowers

JessicaEccles · 23/04/2017 12:02

So he gave the beers to his mum- and is then going to go there two or three times a week? Do u not see a flaw in that plan?

There is something just so sordid about taking a tiny baby to the pub. Why not the park or swimming- like parents are supposed to?

kittybiscuits · 23/04/2017 12:06

I think a lot of posters, myself included, who have lived this and put themselves and children through hell, are trying to tell OP that she shouldn't waste her time and energy. Okay so you want to give him a chance. Sit back. Be quietly supportive. Let him be responsible for his own alcoholism and seeking help. In a couple of days, if he lasts that long, when he starts saying he's going to have a couple of beers because he isn't an alcoholic and doesn't need to be teetotal, leave him then. He will show his true colours within 1 week. Be quiet. Stop making excuses for him. Watch what he does if you don't pressurise him.

Greylilypad · 23/04/2017 12:15

There was a very very similar thread on another parenting forum a few years back. I remember following it at the time, thinking the woman should absolutely leave her husband, they had two small children at the time. My own father is a chronic alcoholic and the pattern is so obvious to me.

About 6 months ago, I searched her user name to see what had happened (7 years had passed). There were various updates on about an annual basis, each time she was sure she could change him, each time she was strongly advised to leave, and the situation worsened every year from the one or two night heavy drinking the first year to practically every night 7 years later. They had another child, his behaviour became extremely abusive, he spent every penny they had, in the first few posts there was all this 'but he is a good dad' 'I know he would never become abusive') . The threads stopped in 2015, she was in a desperate situation by then, and I don't know what the outcome was.

I think you are seriously blinkered here if you think he is going change. He is going to ruin your life and your child's. Your child will not thank you for staying with him.
Your post is eerily similar to this other woman ( and probably many many other partners of alcoholics).

Littlemisssorrow · 23/04/2017 12:23

Goodness me! Wake up and look seriously at this situation. If social services get a whiff of this you would be in trouble. You are not protecting yourself nor your DD from his alcoholism. This is a serious child protection issue.

Leave him NOW

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/04/2017 12:38

"attila I think you may well be right but I'm going to give it a try. I feel like (at least for right now) he is truly trying to change and also truly believes he can change!"

He stealing from your purse in order to drink is not enough for you to give him his marching orders either is it?.

I will be the first to tell you that you are making a huge error of judgment here. How is he truly trying to change, these actions of his are piecemeal and you, his mother and sister will carry on with your respective enabling behaviours. He is not trying to change at all really, you simply want to believe that he is doing so.

Do not further put this man above and before your child. She cannot afford to grow up in such an atmosphere.

junebirthdaygirl · 23/04/2017 14:09

Is be starting AA? Going to counselling? He will only respond to conseiquences not talk.

tribpot · 23/04/2017 14:23

he's going to take DD there once or twice a week so I get a break
Why would the WAHP need a break from the child outside working hours? If he were actually fulfilling the role of SAHD, it would be him who needed to have the break from DD, but in reality he is having acres of time to himself/to spend drinking.

I should have sorted this before it got so bad.
You can't sort out someone else's drinking problem. The only person responsible is him.

What's his plan now? Tomorrow is Monday. What will he do to take the place of the night out on the piss he would ordinarily have been having?

Helloandgoodnight · 23/04/2017 15:40

Its not just about the nights out is it? Is he going to keep taking the baby to the pub for lunch? Confused

Littlemisssorrow · 23/04/2017 16:24

Who takes a baby to the pub and gets pissed?

Come on OP......leave him and don't go back unless he sorts himself out.

Fmlgirl · 24/04/2017 08:43

my dad was an alcoholic (drank himself to death). My mother often tells me one particular story: how she went out to work and came home and the baby (me) was in the cot with extremely high fever and my dad was passed out on the couch so an ambulance had to pick me up. She said she knew she could never leave me with him then. Luckily she divorced him but I still saw him drink himself to death which I really hope your daughter doesn't have to go trough. You're better off without him.

JessicaEccles · 24/04/2017 11:32

'What will he do to take the place of the night out on the piss he would ordinarily have been having?'

He is going to go round his mum's and drink. Every alcoholic I have known does the big thing of pouring the drink down the sink or giving it away. Of course, if you were really going to give up, you could just leave the bottles in the fridge....