Admitting my DP is an alcoholic

[user1492768921]

I'm exhausted and fucking angry. I just need to rant, this'll be a long one (I've obviously name changed for this as it's very outing)

I'm finally admitting to myself that my DP is an alcoholic. We have a six month old baby and she's ebf, I work from home and make good money and he is essentially a sahd but my work is extremely flexible so I'm able to look after our DD a good deal too.
Money goes into our account on a Monday and so every Monday without fail I'm left alone to look after the baby while he goes to the pub. This is fair enough but he spends all of our weekly money and gets ridiculously drunk (as In he can't walk straight.) He also buys a big crate of beer and will get drunk Tuesday night at home, so again I'm left to look after the baby.
As my DD is ebf I do all of the night wakings, which is still every three hours or so. In the mornings he's hung over / not gone to bed till 2am so I have to deal with the baby in the mornings too even though I've been up every three hours with her and I'm exhausted!
I take the baby out for a couple of hours every other day to give him some space so he can have some time out but he'll only do this for me if we have money in the account so he can go to the pub with her?! I literally have to beg him to take her so I can get cleaning done and when he does its like he's done me a massive favour "oh DD's probably bored of me I've seen her all day, she's barely seen you." it's not like I've even had five minutes to myself I've been cleaning and getting laundry done all day!?!
The worst thing was that saturday was my birthday and he said he'd look after DD so I could go to dinner with some friends. He took some of my birthday money I'd been given from family from my purse and used it to get stinking drunk while 'looking after' DD! I knew he would do this so I didn't even have a glass of wine while I was out at dinner and stressed out the whole time, my birthday was fucking shite to be honest! I literally looked at the money in my purse and thought I should take it with me but thought that he wouldn't stoop so low as to steal this money from me!
He came to bed half an hour ago and woke up the baby stumbling around and I had to deal with that, I'm just so exhausted but I can't sleep because I'm so fucking angry about everything.
What the fuck do I do? I have a baby with this man!!

"Dear mumsnet

my DP is drunk all day, every day. I am not seeking to deny the obvious fact that this is 100% my fault, and I am entirely confident that I will in due course achieve a permanent solution to the problem. In the mean time please share your tips for the effective short- to medium- term management of the problem."

Is a post to which a sensible reply might be

"The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it"

In other cases, not so much.

Wow- so much ignorance in one post there gateaux

I'm a long term sober alcoholic and I didn't even think about having a baby while I was still drinking. A drunk isn't fit to care for children. Every time he does this he puts her at risk. And so do you. If harm comes to your DD you too will bear some responsibility.

Imo, this should be make or break for your relationship. Living with a drinking alcoholic is hugely damaging to their partners and children. When it was just you, you could decide to put up with his drinking. Now you have a baby you need to put her first, and that means he gets sober or he gets out.

Ultimatums can work. I got sober to save my marriage. Best thing I ever did. AA is a truly amazing organization. I felt happier than I believed possible when I got sober.

Is that sarcasm gateaux?

I don't understand....

I find there ae often mixed messages on MN regarding alcoholics. On the one hand there are those who say just leave as they will never change. But then others come along and say they were once alcoholics who managed to stop and turned their lives around.I guess we will never know which category any particular person being posted about will turn out. It sounds like the OP’s DP is willing to give it a good try and OP is willing to support him. If this fails then that is the time for thinking about leaving.

I know of an alcoholic man who was given an ultimatum by his DW - stop drinking or leave the family. He stopped right there and then and has never had another alcoholic drink. However another friend lost a close family member to alcoholism - he just couldn’t stop and sadly left behind two children. Some people can give up, and others cannot. I hope OP’s DP is one who can give up.

No bloody way is he a good dad
I bet your family and friends have suspected he's an alcoholic for years, just as we did re: BIL. It took his wife 9 years of him drinking away his job, their savings, losing his driving license, their DCs respect and her having to borrow money and hide her purse. He had 5 attempts at drying out, 4 in The Priory, did bugger all except cost ££££s.
He doesn't give a toss about you op or your DD, only the next drink.
Leave him.

I think I exaggerated a bit in my op? People seem to be misunderstanding, he only gets drunk at most once, rarely twice a week and has one beer when he goes to lunch taking DD (yes I do know this because I can see the bank account and we never get cash out) it just annoys me he needs to spend money to take DD out, he can't just take her for a walk. He isn't constantly drunk at all but when he does drink he drinks to excess.
His mum is on my side and won't let him drink while there.
He didn't realise this was a problem but he does now, If he doesn't change I'll leave straight away but he might. Why would I break up my family because he may not change when in the past when I've asked him to change something he always does. I'm giving him one chance.

Oh dear

Now you are minimising. Your denial is immense. I hope to God nothing ever happens to your child while she is in the care of this alcoholic.

You can't even enjoy a birthday night out yourself when he is in some care of her. That says it all but you are not listening. Not yet.

*sole care

"I think I exaggerated a bit in my op? People seem to be misunderstanding, he only gets drunk at most once, rarely twice a week and has one beer when he goes to lunch taking DD (yes I do know this because I can see the bank account and we never get cash out) it just annoys me he needs to spend money to take DD out, he can't just take her for a walk. He isn't constantly drunk at all but when he does drink he drinks to excess"

What is your definition of an alcoholic if not the above?.

How long are you going to give him to "change"?.

Now you are in turn minimising because you think this all reflects badly on you. You probably do not like or want to think that you chose such a man to have a child with but it is not about you either. The person I am mainly concerned about here is your child because she has no say at all here and has to go along with your wishes. Do you really want to bring her up in such an environment?. You have a choice re this man after all, she does not.

What you wrote initially re this man is utterly appalling. You are still enabling him and he has taken money from your purse in order to buy drink. What does this man actually do for you other than meet your own co-dependent needs in this relationship?. Is that really why you are giving him one more chance?. How many chances and or excuses have you already made for him already (and on a much wider level you grew up seeing alcoholism within your family as well. You have certainly not emerged unscathed from the experience).

He may well see this as a problem now but equally he may not do anything to address it. He going around his mother's will simply mean that she will end up looking after your child whilst he drinks or thinks about where the next drink is going to come from. Why does this man need a break from his child during working hours?. He is making time in order to drink; after all his primary relationship is with alcohol and not with you. You are really kidding yourself if you at all think you and your DD are his main priority here.

If you leave you are not the one breaking up your family; his alcoholism has broken up your family.

Op, my father was an alcoholic and it is true to say he couldn't be a good dad. It didn't matter if he played with me when he was sober. The fact he still chose to go and get plastered meant he chose the drink over us. And the very fact that his alcoholism meant he was unable to treat my dm with respect. That is not a good dad- someone that is OK with their children's model for healthy parenting and relationships to be that.

In my opinion alcoholism is a disease but that is not to excuse it. Because it's a disease that, when the addict can own their actions, can be cured.

My own df never owned his actions and was in a wheelchair from losing the feeling in his legs and also had a form of early onset dementia, both attributal to alcoholism. He was found dead the week before my first child was born.

It has taken me thousands of pounds and many years to make sense of my childhood.

You have a choice now. I think you should really put your dc first. It is only going to escalate if he doesn't admit he needs help and goes and gets it.

Do you know about Al-anon? It's the version of AA for families of alcoholics. You might find their meetings useful.

Oh op, even if you exaggerated (you didn't did you?) you are quite clear that he spends all your family money on a Monday night when he gets ridiculously drunk. That alone would be enough for me to call it a day,

As for taking the baby to the pub, well, I find that shocking.

I think it's normal for you to feel defensive as you are being accused of not protecting your child. But your op title says it all, you are finally admitting your is Husband is an alcoholic and that's hard.

I'm definitely listening. He gets one chance, I've told him if he drinks again he's out and hes agreed.

What about all the other chances ? I do not believe this is the first time you have called him out on his drinking.

What, he's going completely teetotal? No drinking at home and no pub?

Has your DH tried AA, OP? It worked for me. I went to rehab for 6 weeks then at least 4 and often 6 meetings a week for years and years. You're advised to go to meetings as often as you went to the pub, and you soon make AA mates instead of the drinking mates you've left behind.

I wouldn't recommend the Priory. Ask around, or if rehab is too pricey an awful lot of people get and stay sober through just going to meetings. All the meetings are listed on the website.

If he has alcoholism, he is ill. He is not a bad person and it is not his (or your) fault. Most illnesses cause pain beyond the sufferer, but hardly any others create such blame.
I'm not sure mn will help you with this.

op you said he spends the weekly money you get on Monday but then said he's only having one pint when he takes your dd to the pub for "lunch"
You are in denial. Ok give him one more chance but be prepared that he won't change.. don't let your dd grow up in this environment. Poor kid

He 'spends the weekly money on drink'
He 'only has one pint' when he takes your poor DD to the pub for lunch like hell he does
He 'drinks to excess'

Wake up op, he's a lying minimiser who steals from you. Just what evidence do you need? He is an alcoholic. Full stop.

He gets drunk on Monday nights during the day when he's with DD he only has one pint. The weekly money is the money I leave in our account it's usually about £30, I leave £200ish in a savings account so we can buy things we need ie shopping and nappies. I think he just always assumed this money was for him to go out on a Monday because I've never said anything. I hate confrontation so I literally wouldn't say anything we would still have money to go for dinner in the week etc so I think he didn't realise I see that money as family money for the week.
But honestly I wouldn't have to separate the money out if I didn't think he would have drunk it all!
Anyway, he's doing fairly well now. He does all of DDs night wakings and took her out yesterday just for a walk, no spending money. Also, for everyone asking why he doesn't do jobs I'm a bit of a control freak, i like to do it myself and we only live in a small place so it's pretty easy. He tends to do laundry and washing up.

I'm giving him a chance for my and DD's sake. He can do this.
I've never mentioned it before because before DD it wasn't an issue and for the first four months after she was born he didn't drink. He's just got back into a shit habit, I know he can stop.

That's not what you wrote in your op.

I wish you well anyway.

You're not really admitting your partner is an alcoholic op are you, in fact you're doing everything possible to back track and says he is not. He only gets drunk once or twice a week and has one drink at the pub, this is a change from stealing money from your purse and getting pissed on your birthday when looking after your child.

Asking his mum to take the beers is the most ludicrous thing I've heard, such a lack of personal responsibility, looks like neither of you wishes to face up to it and yet you are both willing to pretend and just keep on bringing a child up in this environment. One chance,,,so will you leave the next time he gets pissed?

Honestly, I have no sympathy. I did originally, but your subsequent posts back peddling and absolving him and down playing it remove any sympathy I had.

I am sure he didn't become an alcoholic overnight. He must have been like this for years yet you had a baby with him. Why didn't his alcoholism bother you before?

You are giving him one chance for you, not your child.

What if you are wrong here re him?. Face that very real possibility head on now. I do not think you have known this man to be completely sober around you and your child at least recently.

How can you know he can stop drinking?. Because you think he can do this. You have no idea what is going on in his head. Again regarding stopping for a supposed 4 months how do you know he did stop for that length of time?. You do not.