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Original poster

Admitting my DP is an alcoholic

104 replies

user1492768921 · 23/04/2017 03:18

I'm exhausted and fucking angry. I just need to rant, this'll be a long one (I've obviously name changed for this as it's very outing)

I'm finally admitting to myself that my DP is an alcoholic. We have a six month old baby and she's ebf, I work from home and make good money and he is essentially a sahd but my work is extremely flexible so I'm able to look after our DD a good deal too.
Money goes into our account on a Monday and so every Monday without fail I'm left alone to look after the baby while he goes to the pub. This is fair enough but he spends all of our weekly money and gets ridiculously drunk (as In he can't walk straight.) He also buys a big crate of beer and will get drunk Tuesday night at home, so again I'm left to look after the baby.
As my DD is ebf I do all of the night wakings, which is still every three hours or so. In the mornings he's hung over / not gone to bed till 2am so I have to deal with the baby in the mornings too even though I've been up every three hours with her and I'm exhausted!
I take the baby out for a couple of hours every other day to give him some space so he can have some time out but he'll only do this for me if we have money in the account so he can go to the pub with her?! I literally have to beg him to take her so I can get cleaning done and when he does its like he's done me a massive favour "oh DD's probably bored of me I've seen her all day, she's barely seen you." it's not like I've even had five minutes to myself I've been cleaning and getting laundry done all day!?!
The worst thing was that saturday was my birthday and he said he'd look after DD so I could go to dinner with some friends. He took some of my birthday money I'd been given from family from my purse and used it to get stinking drunk while 'looking after' DD! I knew he would do this so I didn't even have a glass of wine while I was out at dinner and stressed out the whole time, my birthday was fucking shite to be honest! I literally looked at the money in my purse and thought I should take it with me but thought that he wouldn't stoop so low as to steal this money from me!
He came to bed half an hour ago and woke up the baby stumbling around and I had to deal with that, I'm just so exhausted but I can't sleep because I'm so fucking angry about everything.
What the fuck do I do? I have a baby with this man!!

OP posts:

Adora10 · 25/04/2017 11:51

Jesus, so much denial here, sorry OP, he will not change; this is who he is; he likes being this way or he'd not do it would he.

Just saddened that your bar is so low when it comes to a suitable partner and father for your baby; he must stink of booze, probably over the limit most of the time and wants to take a six month to the pub, but you think he can change, ok, good luck!

Wolfiefan · 25/04/2017 12:00

You hate confrontation? Sounds like you are scared of him
He's not drinking while he's with DD? Well he is. He's taking her to the pub and drinking beer.
You are minimising.
He needs to leave and get help. When and if he's safely sober he can come back. A visiting father is better for your child than a pisshead living with her.
And no. You absolutely didn't cause this. I worry he is abusive in other ways if he's got you thinking this.

joannegrady90 · 25/04/2017 12:05

Stop leaving him alone with your DD woman! He is an alcoholic!

Have a bit of common sense!

UmizoomiBananaRamama · 25/04/2017 12:05

As a child of an alcoholic father (who I lived with) I can tell you right now she will not want to grow up with that. Neither will you. The sooner you leave the better. And only supervised contact. If his daughter isn't motivation enough for him to stop drinking then he shouldn't be allowed the privilege of being a dad to her.
Not until he's sober.

Original poster

user1492768921 · 25/04/2017 15:17

He's not abusing me. (Other than the drink ofc) I'm not scared of him, I spoke to him and now he's trying to change.
He's going to hypnotherapy and looking into meetings, I don't know how it's going to go but he's been good so far and is being proactive about finding a solution.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1492768921 · 25/04/2017 15:19

I'd know if he were to drink, we're together all the time and I keep a close eye on finances.

OP posts:

Darbs76 · 25/04/2017 15:21

Sorry but a pub is no place for a baby. A good day doesn't take the baby to the pub so he can get a few beers in, he should be taking her for a walk in the fresh air but sitting in a pub

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/04/2017 15:29

"I spoke to him and now he's trying to change.
He's going to hypnotherapy and looking into meetings"

The impetus to change has to come solely from him, it cannot simply happen because you've spoken to him (again). Such familial coercion (and it will be seen by him as such) is doomed to failure.

What meetings is he planning to go to and when?.

What about seeking your own support?. Your time would be far better employed helping your own self here.

P1nkP0ppy · 25/04/2017 15:30

...he spends all of our weekly money...
....I wouldn't have to separate out our money if I didn't think he would have drunk it all .....
Reread your opening post op stop minimising, you're kidding yourself.

And ffs see the light before it's too late

Darbs76 · 25/04/2017 15:30

But it's your choice to give him another chance, maybe he will change. It's fair enough as long as you're not constantly giving him second chances. I'd tell him he's not to take your daughter into the pub, it's not an environment for children and babies. I have a friend who makes her son sit in the pub for hours whilst they get drunk. So wrong

Adora10 · 25/04/2017 15:32

He took some of my birthday money I'd been given from family from my purse and used it to get stinking drunk while 'looking after' DD!

So since you writing this on Sunday he's had a full frontal lobotomy and is now going to start acting like a normal human being, really?

I don't know why you feel the need to kid yourself on that things are gong to be any different; aside from the alcohol, the guy is a liability, good luck but I think you are fighting a losing battle.

Offred · 25/04/2017 15:48

I think I understand that you feel that because you haven't voiced these worries to him before and given him an opportunity to take on board your feelings that you want to give him this chance to change.

I can understand that you wouldn't want to give up and go through the separation without doing that first.

However, what you are doing by going down this route is taking on some of the responsibility for his choices. He shouldn't need to be told that the weekly money isn't for him, that drinking till he falls down is irresponsible for a parent of a baby, that stealing your birthday money for drink is wrong, that drinking (even one pint) when responsible for a baby is wrong.

He hasn't realised these things himself. Now you have told him you have put yourself into a potential role in his mind of 'nagging woman ruining my life'....

kittybiscuits · 25/04/2017 15:59

I agree with @Offred and I think it's vital that you yourself seek some help to understand your part in this situation. You were very clear how unacceptable his behaviour was, and now you want to the all that back. Al-Anon or a counsellor who specialises in addictions will be helpful to you.

Itsagoodnightfromme · 25/04/2017 16:02

So he was an alcoholic on Sunday and now he's going to give up drinking completely because youve had a word.

Offred · 25/04/2017 16:14

I should add that I don't think you are 'nagging woman ruining my life', but really, people with drug/alcohol issues often choose to see people who voice complaints about their drug/alcohol related behaviour in that way.

They often go through a process first of accepting the offer for the person to be responsible for them and then when they struggle to give up focus on blaming the person for their dependency.

That's what the three cs are designed to avoid - becoming locked into codependency.

Offred · 25/04/2017 16:20

What you have done is basically say that you have made a mistake in not parenting him and instead expecting to him to be an equal partner.

He is not your son - he shouldn't need telling that joint money or your birthday money is not his drinking money etc. He should already know those things.

It is a massive mistake to start taking on parenting type responsibilities, he will fall into the role of dependent child if you do that, and I think that's why most people here are saying not to go down this road of thinking you can support him through this, at least not without severe caution.

MerryMarigold · 25/04/2017 16:31

I think you need to let it lie now. Do not become the parent, asking questions or taking any responsibility for his actions. The next time he trips up (that is having anything alcoholic to drink at all) that's it. No reminders, no cautions.

P1nkP0ppy · 25/04/2017 16:36

And look for bottles of alcohol in the toilet cistern, jars in the garage/shed, suspended in the water butt etc, etc while he's swearing he's stopped drinking.

HopeClearwater · 25/04/2017 19:58

And look for bottles of alcohol in the toilet cistern, jars in the garage/shed, suspended in the water butt etc, etc while he's swearing he's stopped drinking

No. Absolutely don't do this. It is NOT normal to search a house for booze. You will drive yourself mad, hunting high and low and checking all manner of potential hiding places. It is very unhealthy behaviour. Also, it will make not one bit of difference to the drinker. They will always say they hid it 'before I stopped drinking' and there is always somewhere to hide it that you have t thought of. There is no end to the deceit of an addict. And there is always more booze even if you find the latest hiding place. In the pub, at the off-licence, at the petrol station, at the supermarket.

Take it from me - I've been there. It's taken me many years to get my head around the three C's and to understand that it is pointless trying to control the alcoholic's behaviour. You're not treating them like an independent adult either, are you - you're trying to take their choices away. They don't stop being an alcoholic just because someone makes it harder for them to drink.

GreenRut · 26/04/2017 03:41

He's looking into meetings? With AA there is no such hassle. 2 minutes on line to search for your local meeting. Turn up. It is that easy.

OP you are certainly in denial. I reiterate my earlier post, I think you could do with going to Al-anon or getting some therapy for you. Because you can't change him but you you change your reaction to him and his behaviour. And you really do need to do that for your dc.

GreenRut · 26/04/2017 03:45

And believe me, at this 'early' stage for you to think it's some sort of good thing that you have control of the money (so you'll know if he's been drinking) - that is really an alarm bell ringing. It speaks volumes about the dynamic in your relationship and it's a dynamic which is a perfect breeding ground for co-dependancy which is an addict's best friend when it comes to being enabled to stay in the same unhealthy cycle time and time again.

I wish you luck op.

Original poster

user1492768921 · 26/04/2017 10:36

I don't have control of the finances as such as all the accounts are in both names. It's just that I can see if he's spent money so I know he's not drinking as PPs have said he's probably doing it behind my back!
He is going to AA, he doesn't think he's a alcoholic and thinks he can stop on his own but I've asked he goes and hes agreed. The next one in our area is on Friday.
I'm getting hypnotherapy for other things so I may bring it up with her, thank you green I know it probably sounds like I'm fighting you but I really am listening.

OP posts:

Stormtreader · 26/04/2017 10:44

"The worst thing was that saturday was my birthday and he said he'd look after DD so I could go to dinner with some friends. He took some of my birthday money I'd been given from family from my purse and used it to get stinking drunk while 'looking after' DD! I knew he would do this so I didn't even have a glass of wine while I was out at dinner and stressed out the whole time"

Im just leaving this here as a reminder that "he only gets drunk one day a week" isnt true. Even when he had every reason to not drink he still did, and stole from you to do it.

HopeClearwater · 26/04/2017 17:59

he doesn't think he's a alcoholic and thinks he can stop on his own

They all think that. Don't you think if he could stop on his own, he would have done it by now?

Wolfiefan · 26/04/2017 18:15

He doesn't think he's an alcoholic?
So he won't change then will he?
The first step to change is admitting the problem. Only the person with the problem can decide to change it. You can't make them. I strongly suspect he's just saying what he thinks you want to hear to get you off his case.
He should leave.
Get sober.
Then maybe return.

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