Is it me? Is my husbands behaviour normal?

[user1492849995]

Hi,

I just want someone else's perspective on my current situation with my husband as I feel like I'm going mad and like he's making me out to be a crazy woman. He knows I'm posting this here and has specifically asked that I post how I behave and react as he thinks I'm abnormal and unreasonable so I'm going to be completely honest.

My husband started a new job 6 months ago and has got on well with colleagues. His phone often went at home with his boss wanting to chat and that was fine - I even encouraged it because I want him to enjoy his work and he wants to climb the ladder. This boss would ring once most evenings and send the odd text or two. He would also occasionally (every few days) get the odd text from other colleagues.

Since he started, he's arranged and participated in a couple of nights out and I've been happy enough to drop him off.

A couple of months ago, he became good friends with a female colleague who is married but they get on well. He says as friends and I have no reason not to believe this. However, since he became friends with her, his phone is bleeping with messages on and off all evening, through text and Facebook. He initiates as many of the conversations as she does and it's all waffle about rubbish mainly but friend chat. Over the last few days as an example, there have been messages on and off from teatime until literally when he's laid in bed to say 'goodnight'.

We had a big fall out last weekend as we've not been close for years. Not because I didn't want us to be close but we had got into a rut and he didn't make much of an effort so I felt a bit rubbish. He was honest that he saw me as a sister and didn't find me attractive as I had let myself go. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, all week I have dressed up, done my hair and make up and made an effort not to nag and to be happy and more fun to be around. He has said I look nice and has initiated sex a couple of times this week and said he does find me attractive now (find it hard to believe after a few days but I have low self esteem). I said last weekend that we needed to spend more quality time together and he needs to show willing and not be on his phone all night, yet last few nights he's been on his phone until midnight to this friend.

I didn't want to have more fall outs as I promised not to be a nag so ignored the texts the night before but ended up with an argument last night. I thought it was unreasonable to be messaging her and hearing the phone ping all night until bedtime (especially less than a week after a fall out) and felt he wasn't valuing our time when the kids were in bed. We were sat together and the tv is on but we can't watch anything together as hes got his phone in his hand and is messaging back and forth throughout the evening. I felt like we have another person sat with us, but he doesn't understand this and says I'm being OTT, that I'm jealous (i am jealous of the time and attention he pays to her but not of her).

He says it's normal for people with friends to text each other a lot and rude not to and that it's all in my head. I don't have any close friends so wouldn't know if it's normal or not but to me, it seemed excessive and left no time for us. It wasn't even important stuff they were talking about. He says the content doesn't matter and that it's fun. When I said I thought it was just too much, he rants about how I don't want him to have friends or a life and makes it sound like I wanted him never to text. I was clear that it wasn't that he was messaging her but that it was too many messages, cutting into our time and that he wasn't making an effort with us. He said he had to text back because it would be rude not to when she has text him, but doesn't see anything rude in sitting next to me and virtually ignoring me.

We've got up this morning and I'm still angry and hurt because I took all the appearance criticism on the chin last weekend and have tried so hard to make an effort on my appearance. He thinks he's made an effort by complimenting me and initiating sex and therefore I think he feels that I should then allow him to do what he likes with his evenings and be grateful. Is he really making an effort? Would this be enough to make you happy? I feel like I just get him back in bed but that he doesn't really want to spend any quality time with me, even when we have the chance after the kids go to bed.

In fairness to him, I don't know if it is just me being unreasonable? I don't have friends so wouldn't know what is normal. I have low self esteem (partly brought on I think by feeling unappreciated and unloved). I honestly don't feel jealous of her and don't think he's 'at it' with her as he assumes I do. I just feel like I must not be fun enough or connect well enough with him, for him to feel like he wants to start a conversation with her instead of talking and doing things with me. So maybe it is my low self esteem that's at fault. I know he thinks it's all me.

He's recently been telling her that we should all meet up (me and her husband too and our kids) and do things together and doesn't understand why I'm not keen. He says it's because I haven't any friends and I just want to live alone, but it's because I feel she's in between our relationship at the moment (only of course as my husband is allowing her to be) but it isn't making me want to spend my free time with her.

He talks about it being rude not to text back which I get but he intiates a lot of the conversations, knowing she will ask things back and he will in turn have to respond. This then goes on and on.

We have been out for lunch/dinner twice this week. Once with kids and once alone. On both occasions, whilst in the restaurant or when leaving, he's already texting her about where he is and what he's doing. Again, knowing she will respond. I just feel like he can't bear to spend time alone with me or even me and the kids.

He thinks it's all my fault now because he's suggested going out as a family this morning and I'm not keen now. However, this is after a row last night and him not understanding my feelings at all. He also woke up and realised she had messaged him before bed and has already exchanged a few more messages this morning (to be polite). It's made me so angry and I don't want to just jump when he tells me to this morning. He even texts this colleague before work and during work sometimes, and obviously sees a fair bit of her at work too. Again, the texts aren't anything important - just 'wakey wakey' etc and it goes on from there.

He has tried to pretend that he's only sent a few messages some nights when I know full well from the pings that he's been texting much more. So I have looked at his phone to prove him wrong. He says I'm controlling for reading them but I genuinely don't care about the content, I'm just wanting to see that I'm not going mad and that he has been at it all night (not the hour or so he owns up to). I've said he could change his passwords etc because i don't want to read the messages, but because I have looked, I'm now just a mad, controlling wife. But he had lied and I knew he had so this was to prove my point.

I have in the past been controlling. Before having kids, I got jealous of every woman he met. I did hate it when he went out without me and would be in a mood or cause a fall out on his return. He cut ties with some friends and tells me it was my fault. It wasn't as they all moved on but I didn't make it easy to have contact with them.

Since then, we've had kids and I've grown up. My confidence has still been rock bottom but I've allowed him out on occasional nights out and haven't moaned or caused fall outs. I've bought him a new shirt and dropped him off. I've even been ok about the work nights out but this constant texting and lack of connection between us is driving me mad.

He now says that he accepts he was wrong and won't text late at night, but this is only because I've had to tell him it's unreasonable and to be honest, he seems pretty fed up at having to do this. I don't want to be with a man who has to be told to spend time with me or suggest something fun for us to do. He says all 'normal' folk are the same, that they're on their phone all the time and texting and friends are just part of a normal life. So he obviously doesn't see anything wrong in his behaviour and would just be changing to please me. But that doesn't please me because he hasn't actually decided to put us first, I've had to tell him to and that makes me feel rotten.

Am I wrong? I feel like I'm going mad!

I would be furious if my partner constantly texted another person, a so-called friend, all day and into the night - man or woman, which trespassed into our family/private time. I don't think normal adults do constantly text each other at the rate your husband and this woman seem to. Maybe if they were 14 or 15 years old it would be normal, not grown adults with their own lives and partners. He's been completely unreasonable, not you.

Tell him calmly and cooly that you can see he's in thrall to this woman and to carry on if that's what he wants because you're off for your free half hour at the solicitor's in a few days.
Meanwhile, ask him for the ow husband's number because you'd quite like a chat too....

OP, your posts seem to me like they are full of justifications, for things you don't really need to justify.

I imagine you are constantly justifying yourself to him, aren't you? Please stop. Your feelings are natural and understandable.

He's a disgusting abusive man, there is no doubt about that. He has done a number on you, he picked someone who was pretty vulnerable it seems and has proceeded to try and fuck your head up. Don't let him do that to you anymore please.

I don't believe there is any fixing this. You need to leave. I hope that very soon you will have the strength and means to do that and MN will be here to help you through it

He is definitely wrong. Why would you text all day long? Why would you text your colleagues with stupid greatings? Wonder what do they think of him?

Did you think of starting texting to her DH? That would be fun. Who knows, he could be a better fun then your own DH.

Well OP, I would be highly offended by his behaviour. No respect to you. I would probably even leave him.

*OP, I know it may be difficult to accept but your husband has moved on. He told you he isn't attracted to you anymore and his behaviour shows he does not care about you in a way that a husband should. I think he has told you all you need to know on both words and actions. So you should really move on and stop allowing yourself to be abused further.

Pick yourself up and leave him. He does not want to be with you and you shouldn't want to be with him either. Yoy deserve better. Much better*

Thanks again everyone for taking the time to reply. I told him that people on this forum had said I wasn't mad and that the amount of texting was unreasonable. He was still adamant that I'm just controlling and that this site is obviously full of feminists who hate men.

I told him that I wanted to separate and that, as we have young kids, he would have to move out. He says he has nowhere to go and doesn't want his kids living away from him. I said that it would be better for them to not hear the arguments etc but he said he'd need time to find somewhere to live first and work out all the finances to see if it's even viable.

He then said that he shouldn't have to lose out on the house he's paid into and end up renting, so maybe I should leave if I want us to separate and that he wants the kids to stay with him. I am never leaving my children so this is not happening but he wants to ask the kids to pick a parent and I know my son is very close and clingy with his dad and may pick him. The problem is then that they're all so close and would hate to be apart so they might also follow suit and choose to stay with dad. I know they probably wouldn't want to but they'd want to stay with their brother. He says if I don't listen to the kids that he could take me to court. He says we don't have to do this though and we can just stay together and I can stop trying to mess up everyone's life.

He's got me over a barrel really as if my son does want to stay with his dad, would a court force this? And if they did and my other children want to stay with their brother, I could lose them all. My husband says the parent looking after the children would get the house so I'd potentially be homeless, with no income and no children. I would only be eligible for benefits if the kids are with me so couldn't afford a house or even food.

I told him tonight that I cannot be without the kids and didn't want to upset everyone, but that if I stay, he's got to make me feel happier and reduce contact with this other woman. He says we'll talk about this but not now as we're both too angry and should just leave it for a bit, but meanwhile, he's still messaging her. Admittedly he hasn't text her as much so maybe he can get it out of his system and break the habit.

Mmm, as you are their main care-giver, OP, AFAIK the courts would make you the resident parent, unless your son is over a certain age, thirteen, I think, when the children would be allowed to choose.

I've been reading this and thinking that that your husband has worked to separate you from your family. I saw this with my dd, who had a boyfriend who, on the pretext of caring about her, always drew attention to the flaws in her friends until she ended up without any friends at all.

Get legal advice. You have this bloke on a pedestal, for God's sake stop engaging with his bull shit.

He isn't as clever as he thinks he is.

How much of your life do you want to wake up feeling like this. Your not happy with this man and he is of the opinion he can do no wrong and you are a nutter. I had a man like that in my life once who made me believe I was going mad, he even told the kids that I was insane. Move on a few years, I am free of him, my adult kids (also his) said to me "mum, how come you put up with him for so long and thank god you never married him". Seriously, you can be happy and feel valued, loved appreciated again but this man seriously needs to up his game if its to be with him

Op how old are you?

At first I imagined you to be in your 40s you sounded so worn down by life.

But now I'm thinking you are much younger than that and actually have a lot of your youth left to enjoy life.

Don't waste your life like this.

How old are the children.

And he has not got you over a barrel at all, do you really think he wants the responsibility of the children and the house and work.

You need to get proper clear legal advice and take it from there. Dont listen to him, what legal knowledge does he have

Atenco is right, the courts like to keep the status quo so with you as a SAHM they're not going to award primary residence to your DH. Also as your DC as so young the court may let them have an opinion but they would not let them actually decide who to live with.

It's a VERY common threat that men use in this situation, that they'll take your DC away from you. They don't, and can't. But he's on his bloody phone all night anyway, do you seriously think he'd want some actual parenting to get in the way of his freedom?

You are his wife! You are his family! You should be the priority, not some colleague he has got all friendly with! And I would be concerned, you never know where it might lead!
How about it not being polite to have your family and couple time interrupted my messaged from someone else!!
What grown adult texts "wakey wakey"? It's the sort of thing my bf and I would text when we didn't live together!
Sounds like he's working harder on his relationship with this female friend than he is on his marriage. And would make me question even wanted his relationship to work.
I would not be happy.

Just seen your last message, poor you, this must be so stressful.
He must realise now that what he is doing is breaking down your marriage, fingers crossed he sees sense or if you really still want him to go that it gets sorted how you need it to.
Out of interest, how old are the kids? It might affect how courts see it

Do these guys have some sort of script they all read from? Get to a solicitor and discuss it with them. Stop engaging with him and tell him if he wishes to discuss the matter it will have to be through the solicitors and that your mind is made up. He has to go. Be prepared for a change of mind on his part about six months down the line (just when the divorce proceedings are well under way). Good luck. Some excellent advice on here for you.

I object most strongly to being told I'm a sad woman with no friends by a jerk like this!

Your dp has crossed a line a long way with this shit. But, by the sounds of it, there are other serious issues in your relationship. I'm uneasy that you e lost contact with all your friends and family, for a start.

He's gaslighting you big time! He is a cad and a fiend.

I don't hate men, just twats like him.
It's almost funny that someone who spends all his time staring at a screen and sending pathetic and childish messages to a work colleague can accuse others of having no life.

Do these guys have some sort of script they all read from

Yeah.. they ALL use the kids. It's a mothers achillies heel. OP it doesn't need work like that. Why are you treating every word he says as gospel?

You need proper legal advice if nobody here can convince you.

Aren't you raging that during all of this upset he's still in your face having a relationship with this person? He'll threaten to take your kids away just to bring you back into line and you're backing down?

While you're both 'calming down' make a secret appointment to see a solicitor just so you find out the correct facts. Even if you don't use them to leave him it sounds as if you should know them anyway.

I don't have friends so wouldn't know what is normal
Well I have loads of friends and family.
I go out all the time.
And I can tell you now that this is NOT normal.
This is an emotional affair.
He's putting more time and effort into another woman than he is your relationship.
You are realising now that you can do better and you do deserve better.
Google 'gaslighting abuse'
I'd also advise you to get the book 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft.
You sound worn down entirely with life and it's hardly surprising when you've spent years of life with this cock!
Legal advice. See if there are family solicitors in your area that give a free half hour. See more than one!

I'm glad the scales are falling from your eyes and I really hope you can get some support from your family.

Join some local groups to make friends. meetup.com is a good place to start.
Look at your local facebook page, there are often meetings to attend to make friends.

Time for YOU now.
Get out there and find yourself.
This vile 'man' has put you down for enough years now.

he wants to ask the kids to pick a parent

Not something a loving parent would ever do.

It's very simple - who is their primary caregiver? If it's you, they'll stay with you. If he doesn't work and you share their care, that would also continue.

Don't let him continue to control everything. Get some legal advice.

What a scumbag. He's gaslighting you, he has gradually worn down your self esteem so you feel grateful for any crumb he throws your way. He sounds like an utter slimeball and I think you need to leave him.

He won't get the kids if you're a sahm, get some legal advice, don't trust a word that comes out of his mouth.

He's now saying that if I want to go down the solicitor route, he isn't funding it and I don't have any money of my own. The child tax credits and child benefit are paid to me but we don't get much due to my husbands income, so I end up spending it all on the kids etc. My husband has savings which I thought were always to be family money, but he's saying that he won't fund it and I'll need to pay for solicitors myself. He knows this is impossible.

I'm so confused though and because I don't have my own income and support around me, it's so difficult to leave.

He said he was sorry this morning. Not for the texting but for the fact it upset me and said he definitely isn't in any relationship with her (or wanting to be). He said there is no attraction there but she's fun, just like a male friend would be and home is never any fun. I said home would never be fun while we're always arguing about him ignoring me and not making time for us, but he said after a hard day at work, he finds it hard to make an effort with us before I stop nagging and arguing with him as hes immediately in a bad mood when he comes home. He's never really spoken about why things are like this so maybe this is progress, but he doesn't seem to want to help me to nag less. I'm not exactly feeling happy either but I've still tried to make an effort. He seems to think it's impossible for him to make any changes until his home life is happy and perfect.

He said he does love me and now I've made an effort with my appearance, he is attracted to me again, but thinks because I'd not bothered wearing nice clothes and make up, that I'd given up on impressing him and didn't care what he thought anymore. He says any man would feel the same if their wife stopped making an effort and was always in jeans and jumpers. Maybe he's right. I used to wear lovely clothes and always had my hair down, which he loved, whereas now (because I struggle for time and don't feel great), I always have it scraped back. He wanted to have sex with me this morning, although I said it didn't feel right and I'm so tired, but he says I need to think about how that makes him feel, after I've moaned about no sex and then he's turned on and I say no. In fairness, it doesn't happen often as he rarely wants it, but maybe I shouldn't have shunned him. I just want to feel like it's more than sex.

I don't know whether we're moving forward or not this morning. It's so hard to know whether it's all talk as it has been before or if he really means it and will try.

He didn't text her before bed last night or this morning. He said he had only text her earlier on yesterday because she had messaged him and he was being polite and that it's not fair to remove all contact. I get this and I've never asked him to ignore her, but he's made me not like her very much and I'm struggling to see him message her at all now...especially as we're still in a mess.

I'm only 33 so I don't want to have a miserable life, but I've spent nearly 18 years with this man already, so it's difficult to contemplate walking away and failing. My eldest child is 9 and I have a 6, 4 and 2 year old. I just don't want them to get hurt in all this. They all love their dad and although he texts a lot, he does play with them and do nice things with them. In fact, because im often busy with housework, ironing, cooking, dog walking etc, he probably plays with them more than me after school. With no support at all, I don't know how I can look after them all by myself. He will at least entertain them while I cook, for example, but without him, I wouldn't know how I'd cope. My youngest has one half day in nursery but otherwise, I have no alone time. I wouldn't want them to grow up with me being so stressed and tired that they never have any fun.

I really appreciate all of your replies and advice. I know no one can sort this for me and I need to do something but I feel like I have so many barriers and either way, without support, it feels like a lonely journey. X

Make an appointment with a solicitor. Stop sleeping in the same bedroom as him and stop doing his laundry or anything else for him. Do you have your own bank account? If so, make sure that the child benefit is paid into it and start a claim for tax credits. Start getting financial information together like income, pensions, savings etc.

I'm pretty sure he will make a divorce difficult so it's important to stop engaging with him and to get independent, professional advice. Don't listen to anything he tells you any more.

Start accepting that he's a nasty, abusive man and that this marriage is over. You have an amazing opportunity to have a happier, more confident future without him.

I cross posted. Your husband's savings are family money and would be included in a divorce settlement. You need to stop listening to him and speak to a lawyer.