Upset with friend over wedding. WWYD?

[Dollystrumpet]

Getting married in July. Only a small wedding of 18 guests for day and an additional 15 people coming along to night time celebrations.

I'm having three bridesmaids, one of which is my oldest friend of over twenty years standing. Tbh she has been a pita from the very start. Totally negative with other bridesmaids regarding hen ideas, everything rubbish, too expensive etc etc. She's also made it very clear that she doesn't like my choice of dress and tried to disguise it under the guise of "being honest"

I don't see her very often as we now live 200+ miles apart. She had previously told me that her and her dp were planning on going on to a driving holiday in Europe after my wedding, which I told them I thought was a lovely idea. However I met up with her a few days ago and found out that they are actually leaving for the holiday straight from my wedding! She's told me that they will have to leave by 5pm to get through the channel tunnel. The wedding doesn't even start until 1pm, so I'll be getting a grand total of four hours of her time.

AIBU to be incredibly hurt by her behaviour? I can't believe that my oldest friend doesn't even want to stay and celebrate my wedding properly with me. I can't imagine a single scenario in which I would do this to her if the situation was reversed. I really feel like I don't want her there now☹️

she likes to be honest, give it to her both barrels!

I'm astonished people reach adulthood without learning along the way that personal issues don't justify pissing on other people's happiness. Or that their happiness isn't directly responsible for your personal crap. There's room for everyone to experience it FFS. But I guess if you're like that you're in a permanent vortex of misery so unlikely to have perspective.

Swings and roundabouts we all have ups and downs. Don't piss on other people's ups!!

So op did you text her,and what was her response.

"... I agree it doesn't need three bridesmaids. My other two best friends really wanted to be though and oldest friend has always said she wanted to be bridesmaid if I got married..."

But what do you want, Dolly? Do you want three bridesmaids? Do you want bridesmaids at all? Your wedding day is about you and your soon-to-be-husband, and about the start of a marital relationship being built from that day.

It's not about three other women getting the opportunity to flounce about in fancy dresses with flowers in their hair/hands, y'know... having wound you up beforehand.

I think that with your oldest friend (and as others have said, she's not much of a friend to you, is she?) and her abysmal behaviour, you have the right to tell her that she's no longer required. If that's what you want.

I got married 2 years ago. It was a small wedding. But still everything we wanted. We were only engaged 3 months. So it wasn't a lot of notice for people.
Anyway my 'best friend' or so I thought, kept putting everything down. She asked what type of dress I wanted, what flowers I was having, what the reception would be like.. So on and so on. We live a fair way apart (I'm in north west England, she's in South Wales), and I honestly thought she was showing interest and wanting to know what the day would be like.
It turned out she wasn't pleased for me at all. Kept saying things like: you don't need that type of dress, and there's no need for that. She found fault with everything I said I wanted.
She was meant to be one of my 2 adult bridesmaids, as well as the one who signed the certificate. I paid for my bridesmaids dress and bouquet, and was more than prepared to have them both. So I kept having to ask if she was coming, and got told yes. She asked if she was the only bridesmaid and I said no, name of friend is also one. She then replied with "why are you having her?" (now the 2 of them had been friends longer than I'd been friends with either of them, so I was so shocked. She couldn't make it to where I live to go dress shopping. And I couldn't go there (I was also pregnant at the time, so had to go to appointments and that, as well as plan the wedding. So I said if I sent her the pictures of the dress I liked for the bridesmaids, and transferred the money into her account, would she be able to go and get it? (They were from a high street store, but looked lovely enough). She agreed, so I assumed all was well and she had it. Anyway I then got no responses from her at all. A week before the wedding, she told me she couldn't get out of work and wouldn't be coming.
I was so upset. But I don't believe she ever intended to come. She was so negative and would have ruined the day, so I'm glad she wasn't there. I had the person who deserved to be by my side, and she signed the certificate instead.
(The worst bit was my so called friend said she would gladly have went to my mums second wedding, but clearly didn't want to come to mine).
Your friend sounds the same. I'd say you're better off without her involved.

Any update Dolly? Hope preparations going well !

My sil behaved similarly and booked her holiday so that she'd have to leave mid way through our reception. However her wedding a few years before, was a 3 day mid week affair and we were all expected to travel and take annual leave.
I wish we'd uninvited her.

Life is too short.

Take note that she is not a close friend but someone who used to be a close friend and just focus on happier things.

Something like this happens with EVERYONE's wedding. They are a real PITA.

My MUM kicked off and had a hysterical crying fit in the street outside the town hall about us going for a meal in a restaurant on my wedding DAY because my dad had previously politely declined the invitation due to him feeling he would be uncomfortable and want to pay for everyone (which had all been talked about and agreed beforehand).

Dunno what she was thinking, it was quite nuts, weddings seem to do that with some people.

She sounds like a poor friend sadly. Better to realise now than later

Update for those who were asking...

I sent friend a card saying that I still wanted her at the wedding, but that either way we'd been friends too long to fall out like this. I asked her to get in touch if she wanted to sort things.

Haven't heard a thing back

Another bridesmaid told me last night that she's scared of coming to London now because of terror attacks. I basically had to beg her to attend and still not sure she's going to.

Feeling pretty deflated over it all

Just read your last post OP. How are things now? How are you feeling about the relationships?

Time to send an updated version of pyong or buttery's text OP, just to get some closure.

Weddings seem to turn even nice people into insensitive oafs so please don't take it personally!

Ooooh! she's just going to show up at the wedding!

Some friend eh? Speaking as someone who had people at my wedding that I didn't want there (for different but similar reasons) just uninvite them. Seriously it's not worth it I promise you.

Can you talk honestly to her & point out that she's being negative & it has to stop? She does sound awful but if it were me I wouldn't want to lose my oldest friend. Ask her outright if she actually wants to be there as it's not feeling that way at the minute & tell her you would like her to be there until the end-you might need her. Go from her reaction & if she's pissy then say well I'm glad you're coming but maybe best as a guest then instead of a bridesmaid as you're not around for most of the day

She booked a holiday AFTER you asked her to be bridesmaid and set a date that clashed with your wedding, I think that says it all! Do what everyone has said and invite someone who would be glad to share the day with you.

I'd tell her you'd rather her not be bridesmaid and she could be a guest so she can enjoy herself and leave on time without guilt of bridesmaid duties and re evalua E your friendship.
I travelled from near Cambridge to mid Scottish highlands with a five day old baby to be bridesmaid for my best friend. Nothing would have stopped me being there. Not even an episiotomy ;)
How I did it I don't know but she's eternally grateful but I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Sorry missed the update. I don't know what to say but she doesn't deserve your friendship.

I would tell her to leave it if she's king to be rushing off straight away say ou can use the invite for somebody who's going to relax and spend the full day and evening with you.If she takes offence so what as you've already realised the friendship is over .

I had a bridesmaid like this. Couldn't find time for dress shopping, hated all dresses we suggested, wouldn't try her dress on, wanted it bought in several different sizes at the same time, didn't want anything to do with the hen do planning, eventually said she'd come but 'sit outside' one part of the day, didn't want to get ready with us on the morning. Eventually I said why not come as a guest, wear what you like and get ready in your own time. She opted not to come at all and we haven't spoken since.