Upset with friend over wedding. WWYD?

[Dollystrumpet]

Getting married in July. Only a small wedding of 18 guests for day and an additional 15 people coming along to night time celebrations.

I'm having three bridesmaids, one of which is my oldest friend of over twenty years standing. Tbh she has been a pita from the very start. Totally negative with other bridesmaids regarding hen ideas, everything rubbish, too expensive etc etc. She's also made it very clear that she doesn't like my choice of dress and tried to disguise it under the guise of "being honest"

I don't see her very often as we now live 200+ miles apart. She had previously told me that her and her dp were planning on going on to a driving holiday in Europe after my wedding, which I told them I thought was a lovely idea. However I met up with her a few days ago and found out that they are actually leaving for the holiday straight from my wedding! She's told me that they will have to leave by 5pm to get through the channel tunnel. The wedding doesn't even start until 1pm, so I'll be getting a grand total of four hours of her time.

AIBU to be incredibly hurt by her behaviour? I can't believe that my oldest friend doesn't even want to stay and celebrate my wedding properly with me. I can't imagine a single scenario in which I would do this to her if the situation was reversed. I really feel like I don't want her there now☹️

How about...

"You have had a face like a slapped arse during the whole prep period for the wedding, and now you have booked a holiday for the same day. It doesnt take a genius to work that you resent me and dont want to attend my wedding, so dont. This is your official uninvitation. Dont bother getting in touch again."

She hasn't bought her dress yet. Even that has turned into a drama and everything looks hideous on her apparently. My stipulation was that the dresses are black and in a classic style. I sent her loads of pictures for ideas and told her to go for whatever she felt most comfortable in.

CoolJazz and Timefortea I like both of your suggestions I might incorporate aspects of both. Tbh it won't matter what I say. I know she will play the victim like she did over the last wedding she was uninvited to. I'm ashamed to say I tried to support her when that happened. I'm now realising she didn't bloody deserve it

Maverick I guess she brings nothing to my life now when I think about it. She's changed so much. She used to be the life and soul of the party, but now it's just constant complaints about everything. Having said that she's always had a habit of pissing people off. She is very blunt, but it's never been turned on me in quite this way before.

Pyongyangkipperbang That is genius. You can't really argue with that

You let them choose their own dress? You are amazing. I have been put in tangerine with puffy sleeves and no waist before. And matching tangerine eyeshadow. I have also been dressed in beige silky shorts and a long tunic.

With people like that you just have to say it like it is and you never know, it might actually lead her to a bit of self reflection. She will play the victim anyway so you might as well say what you want to say instead of playing nice about it!

Omg Gah81 why would anyone do that to a friend?

Oh she was even moaning about the dresses when I saw her. We had a Facebook group where we were sharing dress suggestions and apparently she felt "pressured"

Weddings really bring out the worst in people don't they? My dp's mum is currently snubbing us too for no apparent reason.

I feel like I may as well just have been a total brideszillia tbh. My plans for a fun, laid back wedding definitely aren't working

Similar happened to me
My supposed best friend just made everything so hard in the run up to my wedding. Like you I was very laid back but
She kept pulling out of dress fittings, even lied about being ill on one occasion!
Obv didn't want to be involved anymore - she had new friends at work, wanted to be out with them and our friendship had run its course
I just phoned her and told her that I was hurt
By her behaviour, she obv didn't want to come and so not to bother
I haven't seen her since (18 years now!)
No regrets!!

Yep...weddings and funerals...bring out the worst in people!

I'm with PyongyangKipperbang. May as well say it like it is.

Gah81 please say you have some photos?

Email her something along the lines of
"I've been thinking about the wedding. You haven't got a dress yet, and you're going to need to leave halfway through to make it to the Channel Tunnel in good time. You need time to get ready for your holiday in the days beforehand, not be tied up in wedding preparations. I think it would be better if you skip the day as it is a lot of trouble and stress for you, we can easily catch up again when we both get back from holiday and spend a more relaxing time together'.

And then never arrange a meet up.

If she comes back with a whole lot of 'Well if you really want me to stay.....' just keep saying 'No, it's not that big of a deal, you need to get ready for your holiday and the wedding will just be too much' and keep firm about how it's just a unfortunate how timings worked out (completely ignoring the fact that the poor timing is down to her crappy holiday arrangements).

The trouble is that I haven't actually asked her to do anything other than turn up at the registery office and hold a bouquet. Mainly because I knew anything above and beyond would blow her mind.

Therefore acting like Im saving her bridesmaids duties probably won't cut it. Tbh I think I'm just going to email her and tell her the bloody truth. Mainly that she may as well have just sent an rsvp saying "I am not remotely happy for you. The immense effort of doing anything for you will also mean I have to book an immediate fortnights holiday"

I think if they are having to travel they may as well use the distance to do something else as well.

As for you being cross that they can't have a drink, not everyone needs alcohol to get through the day. People are allowed not to drink.

Maybe she feels as it's such a small event that her duties will be over with after the ceremony and she can slip away. Bridesmaids don't really do anything at the party in the evening and all photos are usually done by then.

It's a big deal to you as it's your wedding, it's not to everyone else.

why are you even friends with her? Its clearly a sentimental friendship based on history rather than a proper one. What friend aged over 21 says rude things because they are just being honest. Be thankful she's leaving at 5pm so you can have the evening to enjoy your day. She's probably pissed off she's not the one and only bridesmaid! On the bright side this is a story you can laugh about for the next decade or longer!

I've recently got rid of a friend of 20 odd years. Well I've got rid of 2 friends actually I just don't think 1 has realised!! The first one I messaged her and said I wouldn't contact her again.
It hurt but it feels better now. They both brought me nothing but bother.
I feel free of it all!
Sack that crazy assed bridesmaid bitch. I guarantee you will feel better for it. Good luck!

OK, I'll have a go:
Dear Soon To Be Ex Friend,
It's clear that being my bridesmaid and coming to my wedding is not something you're looking forward to or that you'll enjoy. Therefore it's best all round if you just go on your holiday instead. Have a lovely time.
Bon voyage!
Dolly

Another vote for PyongyangKipperbang's response, says it clearly, with no room for misinterpretation. Please send soon though, DH away tonight so can keep checking MN, plus once you decide these things the relief once you've done it is great! Good luck, and have a great wedding.

She's a frenemy OP! Get rid!

Also who the hell cares how many bridesmaids you have, or what venue you've chosen. I hope she doesn't spoil it for you and that you have a lovely day

Yep/tell her straight with no room for comeback

Bless you @Dollystrumpet. I got married in December last year and had one friend who I'd known for 15+ years and now lives 200+ miles away. She didn't show up to my sister's wedding and is renowned for being unreliable so I invited her to evening only as we were also having a smaller wedding. She text me two days before saying how she couldn't wait to see me and hoped the wedding planning was going... and then didn't show up to mine. The really telling thing for me is it was only the next day that I realised she never came. She messaged 2 days later with a very poor excuse (which is what she did for my sister's wedding) so I realised the friendship was probably over and we haven't spoken since. I think disinviting and sending a polite but honest email explaining why they're no longer invited might be the best move- you don't want to be spending money on someone who's only causing hassle by the sounds of it and will only stay a few hours anyway! Best of luck and have a lovely wedding x

I would go with butterys text

Butterys message is good.

Hi [ex friend], Due to your recent comments and actions, I no longer want you and [DP] to attend my wedding.

Definitely go with Pyongyang's text. No room for misinterpretation and will save you the aggro of having to deal with her ever again. Buttery's text also good, but leaves a bit more room for her to argue, which you probably can't be bothered with at this stage. Your wedding is a time for people to be wishing you well, not spoiling it with negativity and their horrible partners.