Am I mad to end my marriage because he won't put the bins out?

[toastandjamplease]

Hi all,

Namechanged to protect the innocent! Apologies that I think this will be a long one but don’t want to dripfeed! I have been married just over 20 years. We have 3 DCs, all high-school age. We both work FT, although my husband works much longer hours than me with lots of travel. My OH does most of the taxi-ing on weekends, taking kids to football on Saturday mornings etc. He also cooks on the weekend and takes care of everything IT-related. We have a cleaner who keeps the house just about under control.

However, everything else is done by me. That is, all the school runs, after school activities, laundry, shopping, most of the cooking, DIY, day-to-day tidying etc. I have always done more than him but things have fallen even more on me as his job has involved more and more travel. He is supposed to do the laundry when he is here but does maybe 1 load in 10 and only when I ask him to put the wash on.

We recently moved house, which has brought things to a head. It is not massive but has a large garden and it quite remote. It was very much my choice and I cannot tell you how much I love where we live now. But it is too much for me to do all the above single-handed. I have told my husband (repeatedly) that I cannot do this any more. I work 40 hours a week on top of doing pretty much everything around the house and garden and I am exhausted. More than anything, it is not just the practical side of this but the emotional. That is, I feel like though I am constantly looking out for everyone yet there is never anyone there to look out for me. If I forget to do something, it just won't get done.

At Christmas, I told him that I couldn't do this anymore and unless he started showing a bit more support then I would be asking for a divorce. I gave him a couple of very clear examples of what I mean. First, he has never changed the beds in 20 years of marriage. I told him that makes me feel like he takes it for granted it’s my job and is demeaning. Second, in the 3 years we have lived here, he has never put the rubbish out – it seems like even the laziest husbands talked about on here “do the bins” and he won’t even do that. Last week, I forgot to put the bins out so (of course) the rubbish didn't get collected. I am so sick of being in charge of practically bloody everything. At Christmas, I told him that these things are like little snapshots of how everything is left to me. In effect I was giving him a couple of very simple things he could do to show that he was listening to me. But, since then, he hasn’t taken the rubbish out once or changed a sheet.

My husband works very hard, he earns a lot more than I do, and he is a very generous person. We bought this house because it was what I wanted, it is not his thing at all but he wanted me to be happy. He is brilliant in a crisis. We agree almost entirely on priorities re. the children and I would say that he is a great father, but I know that part of being a great parent is setting a good example to your children and I think we are both setting a poor example – him by being lazy around the house and me by being a martyr about all things domestic!

Given how I have laid out my stall, I feel like he is giving me no choice but to tell him this is over. But it feels like such a drastic step. In particular, it will mean selling the house and probably moving much closer to the kids’ school. The kids will be fine with the move (I think) as they will be nearer friends etc. but will be heartbroken about us splitting up. In practice, he spends half the year away anyway so I’m hoping in practical terms I can keep things on an even keel for them. I feel so awful about the whole thing but it’s like he’s given me no choice - I have told him how I feel and he has demonstrated time and again that he will not value what I do around the place or help in any of the ways I have asked him to. Since we moved house, the argument has almost moved beyond what is fair to what is possible – I just cannot do it anymore.

So, I guess I am looking for reassurance on a few things. I am terrified we’ll all end up worse off in every way and it will all be my fault as I’ve allowed this situation to develop but am suddenly saying no more! The questions I keep turning over in my head are these:

• Am I being reasonable to divorce my husband because he won’t put the bins out (and take on other things around the house)?
• Will the kids understand why these things are such a big deal or will they blame me?
• Will I get over selling this lovely house to move somewhere cheaper and more practical? I can hardly bear to think about it but it will have to be done.

Any thoughts would be welcome. I haven’t spoken to a soul about this is RL and am terrified of what I think I’m about to do... Thank you!

You keep repeating the same things over and over which is what he's not doing rather than what he is. You need to think about 3 major issues here:

1. what responsibilities do the kids have? I hope they have some household chores. Even 1/2 hour each a day is a lot of hours and you're giving them the skills to be adults.

2. what leisure time do you and your dh have both separately, and together to nurture your relationship? It sounds like neither of you have any and life is just a rat-run of the wrong priorities.

3. is there any way to simplify your lives? E.g. More cleaner hours, a house move, change jobs, kids take more responsibility for getting themselves to their activities, online shopping etc

You're blaming him for everything when it just that life is too much of a stretch.

if OP does 40 hrs a week and the husband's hours are "much longer", that's pretty much, y'know, 'just about managing' territory no matter what.

as ever, divorce should be a last resort.

I was in a similar situation to you, OP, running myself ragged with not a minute to spare and getting cross with DH, even though, like your DH, he did quite a lot and worked long hours. I just had no spare time at all.

Then I became ill and this year I've had to massively cut my work hours as I wasn't up to it. Now I work 3 short days a week and spend the rest pottering round doing the other house jobs. My health still isn't great but apart from that, DH and I have never been so happy. He can do a long day at work now, come home, and not have to do anything. Yet I feel as though I've spent half the day relaxing. I look back at how much I was doing before and it was a crisis waiting to happen.

Can you cut your hours at all? I know that sounds sexist but it isn't meant to be; you said he earns a lot more. If you were earning more I'd suggest he cuts his hours. Or you need to pay for more help. I wouldn't be divorcing over this. Try to find a way round it.

Yep and the DH would be much longer plus commute otherwise he wouldn't need to stay away. That is a LOT of hours with not a lot left over.

It kind of sounds like you're looking for a reason to get a divorce and hoping people will agree with you.

Couold you go part-time, to allow you to spend more time looking after the house and garden?

Wait.....so...OP should consider reducing her income, her pension and her career ambitions so she can spend more time doing housework...because her husband won't..?...?.....................

I don't think you're being unreasonable feeling as you are and wanting to push the "eject" button. Being overwhelmed by the tidal wave of life tasks is horrible. Leaving sometimes seems like the only possible way to escape before you go mad.

I agree with the PPs who say you need to talk. This isn't about bins and other chores, it's about mental exhaustion and feeling unappreciated. Can you have a conversation with him about how you feel (no holds barred), without offering solutions, and see what he suggests?

For example, if he works away a lot he will probably have a lot of down time when he isn't working - in transit, in the evenings etc. There are things he can do during that time to share the load of family chores and bureaucracy e.g. He could take over all the organisation of the kids activities (booking, paying, liaising for questions and cancellations etc)?

And take care of yourself. Be a bit selfish with your time, make sure you have the space to relax a bit.

Do you and your DH get on? Do you love each other? Are you happy when you are together?

Why don't you move nearer his work so he had more time at home and improve the quality of your life?

Maybe he should go part time, then he would be able to fit the bins in?

In my family we have a joke, I can't give in and lie down and die as my husband, and children when they were at home, would be buried under rubbish within a couple of weeks. For some reason none of them would empty the bins, if they were full they would pile stuff on top. To be honest putting the bins out isn't a big deal really.

My husband is disabled so a bit different but I do no gardening we pay for a gardener, he does all the IT and paperwork stuff and used to drive the kids round. His disability means changing a bed would be impossible for him. He will load the washing machine but being of an age where I had two kids already out of nappies by the time I got a washing machine I don't really count loading the washing machine as work.

Sorry if it seems harsh but if he isn't there due to long hours or travelling he can't do it can he. Get the kids to do more, buy in help if you need it (I used to pay for ironing to be done when the kids were young), enjoy the meals he cooks and accept that if he wasn't driving the kids round because you wanted to move to your dream house then he would have more time at home.

Just think what you would lose if you divorce, your dream house would go, every other weekend you would have to do any driving round with the kids that is still necessary. No one to cook you meals at the weekend. Maybe you couldn't afford a cleaner or gardener.

You need to work out what you would gain (not alot by the sounds of it) and what you would lose.

I think that you could be over-reacting, however i do understand that feeling of not being fully heard by your partner when you're struggling. If you've got a cleaner and gardner how much more of the house-chores are there left to do? Maybe a nice holiday just the two of you could help to rekindle your relationship/feelings towards him? Getting divorced over something that could very easily be talked through seems a waste of so many years!

I get where you are coming from - it is not about one set of bins, it is exhausting and lonely and draining being the 'default everything' for a family whilst also working full time. The fact that you have sacrificed your own career options to be the 'default everything' just grinds it in. As PP says - as a single parent you will end up doing the lot but with a lot less of the feelings of seething resentment.

I don't see 'football, weekend cooking and computers' as a massive contribution so much as selecting the bits he likes. If his three weekend chores were the laundry, cleaning the toilets and doing the bins I'd be more impressed.

However its a drastic step to take if you still want to make the relationship work.

• Your kids are old enough to help, they should - its part of learning to be an adults. As a minimum stripping and changing their own beds and running the machine, a bit of cooking and cleaning
• Increase the hours from the cleaner
• write down explicit tasks you want your husband to do (or a family rota)
• find some counseling for both of you, your DH is not acknowledging how you feel and needs to understand it for the long term good
• maybe its not the right house for you but considering the stress of moving I'd do the others first

Show him this blog. He needs to acknowledge that you are feeling unappreciated. The bins and sheets are symbolic so don't feel you're being petty. I say keep talking, keep trying and don't give up. Insightful blog by a bloke who's wife left because he kept on ignoring her request to be tidy

You can split with anyone for any reason at all. What other people say about it is immaterial.

If you are doing all the family admin, then you're not only doing a 40 hour paid job, but however many hours of unpaid admin work on top of that, which you would still have to do if you were on your own, but you would be doing it for fewer people.

The children should be pulling their weight more, not just to cover the bits your DH feels are beneath him, but to help them to know how to do these things when they go to university/move into their own places, but this will also mean that the bulk of chivvying them along will fall on you too.

Your DH manages to organise himself well enough out of the home to do a job that requires travel etc, so his not doing it in the house is either because he's too lazy to do so, or he just sees himself as too important to do it.

To those of you saying "it's so trivial" are missing the point. It's not the ruddy bins. It's the feeling completely unvalued. Feeling like he really doesn't care that she's struggling. Feeling frazzled with all the constant thinking and remembering. It's not just bins.

But if he earns more it doesn't make sense for him to be the part timer. Surely a good marriage is a partnership where you work together for the common good of all? Who does what is irrelevant - but it does need to be worked out so both parties are happy and this clearly isn't the case here. Of course, career and ambition are a different thing altogether and the OP should not be giving up any part of her career if she still has ambitions to progress and finds it fulfilling. It would be better then to carry on working and hire in extra help.

I'd say one of you needs to cut back their work hours. You're doing far too much, both of you are working that much you're not getting the chance to enjoy your home. Decide between you who it would be feasible or possible for to cut back, thereby enabling that person to do the never ending household chores without being knackered. You need to be able to enjoy your home, but divorce seems a drastic step, then you'd still have all the work but possibly be very skint too.

Oh and for those saying the poor lamb can't do much whilst traveling - this simply isn't true.

He may not be able to take the bins out on a Tuesday morning but he can chase the kids to do their chores when he speaks to them. He can also do things like make appts, remember birthdays, pay bills, organise holidays, social activities and may of the other 'default housewife' roles. How many of these 'hard working traveling men' do this and how many use it as an excuse?

On a very practical note, if you still love and don't want to divorce, as he earns so much, could you engage a housekeeper to come every week-day and do the stuff you have no time or energy to do?
They could come in for a few hrs a day, and wash, iron, cook, put bins out etc?

Get him to pay - then if he physically won't do it, he can pay for someone to do his share for him.

I hear that many people are saying it's my fault for buying this house. And, again, just for the record, it is not some kind of mansion, just a regular house is a pretty location :)

I hear you and appreciate I am sounding like a spoilt brat. And for those of you who have talked about some very tough things you are dealing with right now.

However, this is where I am. Yes, it was my dream home not his but I don;t think my husband is therefore exonerated from having to do any of the cleaning, DIY or gardening of said house. And in case it wasn't clear from the OP, Hectate has put is much better than me i.e.

"it isnt about bins and beds and stuff. its about how this makes you feel the other person feels about you."

And Kingfisher you make a good point. But I have asked him repeatedly to do things and he just doesn't do them, which leads to the "seething resentment" mentioned up-thread!

But as above, lots of things to think about and I appreciate all your replies!

Pay the cleaner to come and put your bins out.

Just to add my 4 are grown up but 3 teenagers in the house can be challenging. They won't have your standards and I think to save your sanity you have to accept that to some extent e.g. if they don't change the sheets every week the world won't come to an end. If they haven't sorted their washing they will run out of clothes. If they are teenagers they are old enough to live with the consequences, I know it is hard to do and I was guilty of doing it and then whining at them about it. Then I just stopped and had the occasion child panicking because they wanted to go out and had no clean clothes. They soon realised what the solution was.

If your kids are all in high school, I think you need to start getting them involved more.
They can all put their own washing on and learn to iron, fold etc.

Your DH, you say, works longer hours I need a more stressful job than you, yet you moan he doesn't do anything? He taxis the kids tho clubs at weekends and does all the weekend cooking....that's pretty good. He puts on washing if you ask him.

All you need to do, IMO, is to have a proper sit down talk, divide up tasks more (although bear in mind he works longer than you) and explain that you're a bit down about it all.

Draw up a rota for chores, childcare, clubs etc so you all mix it up a bit. Then decide on some family time at a weekend when you can go for a walk to the woods, or go watch a movie etc. Have an ideas box that everybody puts family time ideas into that you draw one out each week or every other week etc.

That will help the monotony of life and make the division of tasks more fair.
Your DH sounds like a nice dad and you need to think, is it worth getting divorced about putting out the bins when all you really are is stressed and tired.

Your problem is with your kids i think. Your husband appears to do a fair bit while he's there but you've raised three lazy kids who by the sounds of it has not been taught that the upkeep of the house you are all living is all of your responsibility. That's your and your husband's fault.

Can you go away for a few weeks to think? It doesn't sound divorce worthy but I totally get the frustration - something has to change. Also, If you don't return to a clean house, take another week off. I do wonder if you are setting your teenagers up to be pretty useless though.