Am I mad to end my marriage because he won't put the bins out?

[toastandjamplease]

Hi all,

Namechanged to protect the innocent! Apologies that I think this will be a long one but don’t want to dripfeed! I have been married just over 20 years. We have 3 DCs, all high-school age. We both work FT, although my husband works much longer hours than me with lots of travel. My OH does most of the taxi-ing on weekends, taking kids to football on Saturday mornings etc. He also cooks on the weekend and takes care of everything IT-related. We have a cleaner who keeps the house just about under control.

However, everything else is done by me. That is, all the school runs, after school activities, laundry, shopping, most of the cooking, DIY, day-to-day tidying etc. I have always done more than him but things have fallen even more on me as his job has involved more and more travel. He is supposed to do the laundry when he is here but does maybe 1 load in 10 and only when I ask him to put the wash on.

We recently moved house, which has brought things to a head. It is not massive but has a large garden and it quite remote. It was very much my choice and I cannot tell you how much I love where we live now. But it is too much for me to do all the above single-handed. I have told my husband (repeatedly) that I cannot do this any more. I work 40 hours a week on top of doing pretty much everything around the house and garden and I am exhausted. More than anything, it is not just the practical side of this but the emotional. That is, I feel like though I am constantly looking out for everyone yet there is never anyone there to look out for me. If I forget to do something, it just won't get done.

At Christmas, I told him that I couldn't do this anymore and unless he started showing a bit more support then I would be asking for a divorce. I gave him a couple of very clear examples of what I mean. First, he has never changed the beds in 20 years of marriage. I told him that makes me feel like he takes it for granted it’s my job and is demeaning. Second, in the 3 years we have lived here, he has never put the rubbish out – it seems like even the laziest husbands talked about on here “do the bins” and he won’t even do that. Last week, I forgot to put the bins out so (of course) the rubbish didn't get collected. I am so sick of being in charge of practically bloody everything. At Christmas, I told him that these things are like little snapshots of how everything is left to me. In effect I was giving him a couple of very simple things he could do to show that he was listening to me. But, since then, he hasn’t taken the rubbish out once or changed a sheet.

My husband works very hard, he earns a lot more than I do, and he is a very generous person. We bought this house because it was what I wanted, it is not his thing at all but he wanted me to be happy. He is brilliant in a crisis. We agree almost entirely on priorities re. the children and I would say that he is a great father, but I know that part of being a great parent is setting a good example to your children and I think we are both setting a poor example – him by being lazy around the house and me by being a martyr about all things domestic!

Given how I have laid out my stall, I feel like he is giving me no choice but to tell him this is over. But it feels like such a drastic step. In particular, it will mean selling the house and probably moving much closer to the kids’ school. The kids will be fine with the move (I think) as they will be nearer friends etc. but will be heartbroken about us splitting up. In practice, he spends half the year away anyway so I’m hoping in practical terms I can keep things on an even keel for them. I feel so awful about the whole thing but it’s like he’s given me no choice - I have told him how I feel and he has demonstrated time and again that he will not value what I do around the place or help in any of the ways I have asked him to. Since we moved house, the argument has almost moved beyond what is fair to what is possible – I just cannot do it anymore.

So, I guess I am looking for reassurance on a few things. I am terrified we’ll all end up worse off in every way and it will all be my fault as I’ve allowed this situation to develop but am suddenly saying no more! The questions I keep turning over in my head are these:

• Am I being reasonable to divorce my husband because he won’t put the bins out (and take on other things around the house)?
• Will the kids understand why these things are such a big deal or will they blame me?
• Will I get over selling this lovely house to move somewhere cheaper and more practical? I can hardly bear to think about it but it will have to be done.

Any thoughts would be welcome. I haven’t spoken to a soul about this is RL and am terrified of what I think I’m about to do... Thank you!

Surely if you're both working full time the answer is to get more help around the house? Employ the cleaner for longer hours and get her to do the bedding, and get a gardener. The children can surely get themselves to and from school and their activities; or if that really isn't possible, organise a car share with other parents. They can also do their own washing. Shop online and get it delivered.

It seems ridiculous to contemplate breaking up a marriage and tearing your lives apart when there are relatively simple remedies available.

Yes you would be mad to divorce him for those reasons in an otherwise o.kay marriage.

You can pay people to do the garden and the bulk of the housework, stop moaning.

What are your children doing? Can they not take the rubbish out? Or change a bed? You need a pen and a peice of a paper. A rota. Allocate jobs (to DH too) and if they are not done then let them live with the consequences.

You called his bluff at Christmas, are you really prepared to go through with a divorce?
You sound exhausted and something needs to change, moving to a remote location with teens means an awful lot of being parent taxi.
Bed changing - teens can do their own and they can launder the linen, in fact they can start doing their own laundry. Teens can put bins out - put reminders on their phones. Up the cleaners hours, get a gardener etc.
It really doesn't sound as though he's being lazy more you have allowed yourself to be overwhelmed.

I'm really concerned that you are actually considering separating because he won' put the bins out. There must be more to it than that, and I think your feelings need exploring because you are focusing on the bins, whereas I suspect that they may just be a convenient irritation on which to hang your feelings.

Do you love him? Do you enjoy time with him? Is he kind?

From what you have said it was entirely your choice to move to a more remote house, which has lead to more housework and gardening. It sounds like he is away a lot and works very long hours when he is about. However you also sound very tired with it all, as you also work full time.

What was his reaction when you told him at Christmas that you would divorce him if he didn't do more. Was he shocked? Scared? How does he feel about you? Does he tell you he loves you?

Could you not suggest to him that as you are so exhausted, but that you appreciate he is too, that some more money is put towards getting a cleaner in for longer, even on bin day to put the bins out! A cleaner can do all the beds. Get the shopping delivered (or are you too remote for that?) Get someone in to do DIY.

Above all, please talk to him again, and also listen to what he has got to say, and suggestions he may have.

Good luck.

I think divorce in this scenario sounds like a massive overreaction TBH. You love him, he works damn hard, he's great when he's around... he just doesn't wash the bedding or put the bins out.
It sounds like neither of you has much leisure time. Your lives are very busy. Is there a way of reducing the burden on both of you? More hours for the cleaner?
Agree that teen children should be responsible for washing their own bedding (or at least stripping them and putting the bedding in the washing basket, then putting it back on when clean)

I feel for you and I truly understand why you feel hurt and let down.

But as PP have said, if you have a happy marriage other than this, it does seem bit extreme to break it up when there are things to help ease the burden on you.

Could you get a cleaner in to do more? And as the others have said, where are your children in this? By the time I was in secondary school I was able to help cook dinners, do my own washing and most certainly put the bins out.

When you do talk about this, what does he say? What is his reaction? Does he understand why you're upset? Does he promise to change?

Erm as a single parent yabu. If you got divorced youd be doing it all any way by your self but struggling emotionally and financially.

Well, as another single parent, yes, you would be doing it all yourself, but you wouldn't have that seething resentment, which is so exhausting!

I don't know. I kind of get where you are coming from. Its not about the bins or the beds, or the diy it's about the fact that he seems blind to all these extra things you do and just takes it for granted they will get done. It is shit being the domestic director, and women do tend to fall into this role. It would infuriate me too.
So..you have teens? Maybe sit everyone down and make a rota, set days and set jobs. They really do need to be pitching in.

Also, from what you have said about the house, sometimes a dream is best left as a dream. If you all moved, your kids could be more independent and nearer their friends (less ferrying) and you would have more time too.

If he can't manage to do his fair share, he should 'up the cleaner's hours'. Why is it always up to the woman to solve the domestic problems when they caused by both parties?

I agree about asking the kids to do it. What else are they doing around the house?

It seems extreme to divorce over this. Compromise in a good marriage is what keeps things going.

I can't bear bins and so won't do them. DH does them. I however always make the beds.

We both work...our earnings aren't relevant though.

He does the gardening and I clean the kitchen. He never wipes a countertop but then I never pick up any dog poo

I ignore his faults and he ignores mine.

he works damn hard

Er..OP works full time too. And I think it's harder working full time and being home with 3 teens, than working "away" half the time!

Why do so many MN men work "away"? what is it they do?? I don't know anyone who is away half the time?

IfNot I agree generally with what you say, but in this scenario it sounds like OP's DH is genuinely rarely there to do those jobs. He's working away a lot in the week and ferrying the kids around at weekends.
It sounds like they're both overworked and over wrought!

Blimey, sorry but this sounds like a first world problem to me. You have 3 kids capable of helping out, cleaners, a gardener, a hard working husband with a large income and your dream house..... a lot of people would kill to have this sort of "problem"!

Stick a rota on the fridge for the kids, if they don't do it then it doesn't get done, simple. Or try a rota style app if the kids have phones? It's time for you to delegate!

I'm wondering if there is a bigger issue that makes you think you want to divorce your husband? Or have you just built all this up in your head so much that it's got too big too handle? Hope you find a solution OP xxxxx

Can't you just get more help and get the children to help?

I'm a sahm to 3 aged 4 and under. My DH works super long hours. He does a lot when he is at home but we have a cleaner for 5 hours a week and I have a babysitter I can hire as another pair of hands although rarely do that.

If I am strung out, he gkes to M&S and gets ready meals or hires the cleaner for longer or tells me to book the baby sitter. My point is, he does the best he can in the time available. He can go to M&S. but he doesn't have time to cook a proper meal as he gets in about 8pm. But he tries and I appreciate that. It sounds like your husband does too

Agree with Ceto you should focus on solutions and stop fixating on the problems. Extend the cleaning contract to include bed changing. Include a cleaning day that coincides with bin day and instruct your cleaner to put the bins out before he/she leaves. Get the kids to help out more - they're not babies and could earn pocket money. Online shopping solves the problem of being time poor and as for the garden...get a gardening company to give you a quote for regular maintenance.
It isn't rocket science....
You're coming over as a bit of a drama lama OP, I'm sad to say who has painted herself into a corner by issuing threats and demands that are unrealistic. Time to put some practical solutions in place. You're both earning, you can afford to pay people to do the work both of you haven't either the time or the inclination to do yourselves.

Darn it, I type so slowly things have moved on!

I hear what you are saying. And (in case it wasn't obvious in my OP) I know how lucky I am to have this house and someone to clean it etc. - not that's it's massive btw, just remote! And yes I do love my husband.

Yes I will up the cleaner's hours to include a couple of the problem areas! And yes I should get the children to do more - they cook a bit and will put the sheets on the beds if I nag them etc. Regardless of the situation I can see I need to work on them more and get them to be more independent.

However, even if the kids step up and we get the cleaner to do some more more, there is still a lot of stuff that needs doing and - unless things change - that will fall to me. It just makes me feel completely undervalued that he will not do the few things I ask - or find some other way to ensure they get done. I also think we are both doing too much, as someone observed up-thread.

Thanks again for your advice. I still don't know what I to do but am definitely going to get on the kids' case if nothing else!

With the greatest of respect - try being a single Mother! I have to do EVERYTHING (with major mobility issues too) and as my daughter is 2 and into everything I touch and has issues (thanks to her Dad) causing me to be totally unable to leave a room without her, I literally have to get a babysitter in order to do housework!

I have been hoovering up in tears from the pain and from the fear of how on earth I'm going to get everything done when I can't bend over etc. I also have to pay extortionate rent for a horrible house on a measly amount of Disability payments as I'm unable to work and don't get much maintenance from her father.

All of this whilst battling depression from still being utterly devastated & heartbroken at my daughter's father abandoning us both for another woman.

So honestly, think yourself lucky.

Although I will say that if you genuinely love this man, I find it staggering that you would even consider walking away from him for such a (relatively) trivial reason? Something to think about perhaps?

He sounds like he does quite a lot OP, he pulls his weight. Have you fallen out of love with him ? I agree your high school aged children, should contribute. Maybe strip their own beds, plus yours, then why not get a service wash, pick them up, and a couple of them, could make the beds back up. Just one drawn out job, made much easier.
Is there any chance that you could cut your working hours ?

Hmm. It is always the woman's job to delegate household tasks, isn't it?
Its almost as though men think they are too important to have to think about such things..
But, yeah, in reality, you probably do need to do this, sadly.
Or get a divorce. Because, if you don't want to be with your husband anymore, you don't actually need a reason that makes sense to anyone else.

The children need to start pulling their weight a bit more, for a start!

DIY, gardening - outsource.

Cleaner - up their hours? can they change beds, put on a wash?

You sound very frustrated, but unless there is a massive dripfeed here, divorce sounds a huge overreaction - life is just going to get harder, not easier, for a start!

It does sound as if the house might have been a bit of a mistake though. Too big, too remote.

I won't judge you harshly!

It's the frustration and the resentment as much as the housework.

I think I would go on strike before initiating divorce. Be really civil about it.

or

A poster on here 'hotfootit' made a really good post yesterday about something she said to her husband 17 years ago.

She said that she told her husband to stop putting all the responsibility on to her. (different issue) but approach still very wise. She told him to act how he thought it was appropriate to act and the marriage would last or fail on the basis of his behaviour. So she was no longer cracking the whip and he ''toeing the line''.

or
get a cleaner who works every day. that'll be a big expense. he should know the cost of it.

It's not just about the housework. It's about his refusal to listen to the fact the OP is on her knees.

Or, what Hecate says.

It might be more interesting if the ultimatum, instead of being "divorce the DH", was "sell the house". I wonder if anyone apart from you would miss the extra hassle it.
It does seem rather about your standards - the dream house, the housework - rather than anybody else's. You are miffed that they are not playing to your script.

I know it's stressful when you are Doing It All but teenage years are like the toddler years: they seem never-ending when you are in them, but they go by in the blink of an eye.

Outsource cleaning and gardening as much as possible.
Increase cleaner's hours.
Get kids to do more - pay them if necessary.

BUT I agree with others that perhaps then house and garden are too much for you. Soujds like your dh does help when he's at home.

Couold you go part-time, to alloow you to spend more time looking after the house and garden?

I'd also sit down with your dh and agree jobs that are HIS alone - that way, you know who's meant to do what.

It might also bea good idea to have a timetable for doing chores - left to himself, my dh would never in a million years suggest changing the bed, but when I ask him to, he does. It's not ideal, but it's how it is.