Secretly dislike DP's ex wife situation

[PookieDo]

I'm not sure if this is my problem or a DP problem. I try so hard not to judge or dislike the ex as I am one myself, and I only have one side of the story. I read threads on here regularly and see this is a frequent issue. I completely bite my tongue around him and do not say anything negative about her to him when he talks to me about it. AIBU or none of my business?

Background is they have DC and she ended their relationship. Apparently he was absolutely devastated about it and shocked but he seems to have come to terms about it now and says he didn't realise he wasn't happy but is happy now. She very quickly got with a new man who has DC with him full time and IMO they are as good as living together - 80% of the week. All DC refer to each other as siblings and share bedrooms. Officially she is a single mother and complains a lot about being poor. She asks DP for money all the time for the basics saying she has no money, he pays well over the basic rate of maintenance at his agreement. He has the kids 2-3 days/nights a week too. He's a good good dad and the kids are lovely.

DP is still on the mortgage but she wants him to pay half the mortgage per month - despite new DP living there Most of the week. DP is trying to get off mortgage but she has to buy him out. She has no money so this is unlikely. He cannot pay all the maintenance and half the mortgage and his own rent but is trying to manage it all.

Here is the biggest but: he's just too nice and never says no to anything. I really feel that she is thoughtless and selfish and takes the total piss out of him because he is nice and easy to take advantage of. he feels guilty about the kids. I imagine her new DP can't contribute as he is paying living costs for a house he doesn't live in (maybe once a week). DP seems to feel like she wants the benefits of his salary to raise her children and run the household but without being married to him. Or getting a job that has a better salary. She can't move Her DP in officially without being forced by the terms of the divorce to sell it or buy him out, so it's a kind of circumnavigation of the rules. They are a 3 income family almost!

I can't see a point where we can ever live together because he's stuck on a mortgage, still subsidising her above the over the odds maintenance AND trying to look after the kids for the other 3 days of the week he has them. I have kids myself and just can't see at what point we have any future if it's like this. It feels like he is still married to her in many respects. It's very messy and makes me feel wary about getting more involved and will there be an end to it?

Pookie Words are cheap.

He has to back it up with actions...............for much more than one weekend.

For sure I agree wholeheartedly that it's about backing it up. I think this is the point he is realising he has to actually move on or become stuck. That's how it sounded to me. He's not given in on something else that arose recently and stood his ground that she was to do it/pay for it and not just leave it until he feels forced to do it/pay for it.

I'm glad things are looking better for you.

We talked again. The guilt he is carrying around is eating him alive. Guilt that he is a weekend dad, he's missing out on their lives, anything he wants for himself feels selfish, how this will be perceived by the DC etc.

I've given all the advice to him I feel I can and he's taken some of it on board. I reiterated about how all working parents feel some guilt, all parents feel guilt about things, no one is perfect, we can't let guilt rule our lives, it's not selfish to want very small amounts of time to yourself, the time he spends with them is very high quality child focused time (not dinner/bath/bed like most working parents), in fact ex wife gets the rubbish bits like school runs and tidying bedrooms and he doesn't.

I told him in this case his only option to remedy the entire thing is to cut his hours and have 50/50 custody. Other than that he just has to find a balance. You can't just carry around all this guilt forever can you? I've told him To call the school and ensure he's sent all the emails and letters so he doesn't miss anything. Also I said that I do not want him to keep placing a burden on me where he is trying to please me and making himself feel worse - so time he tries to carve out for me, he feels guilty and selfish over it. He is anxious that going away for a weekend with me would make his kids feel like they don't matter.
I don't know what else to say. Part time parenting when you work full time is hard. You miss stuff. You can't be there 24/7, this is life. It's not healthy to let it eat at you like this. Parents leave their kids to go to work/hobby/holiday and personally I don't think it's a bad thing for one weekend a year. If it was every weekend - yes that would be an issue. I don't know who/what is making him feel this guilty. Ex w does seem to play a role as she has certain set expectations of what constitutes a good parent and in her eyes, going away without kids, working, getting babysitters etc are all selfish acts.

He also said he feels like she has an expectation of him to still be his best friend as if none of the past has ever happened. Her idealistic view is that the past is firmly the past and she wants a family that isn't split in 2 with boundaries. She wants to keep an element of a close family unit with him, and doesn't approve of him wanting to be an independent separated parent - their coparenting strategies look different to one another. He wants to coparent civilly but also be an independent parent with his own views and ways of doing things, not an extension side add on to her new blender family unit.

It's a bit messy.

You have to sit down for a proper talk about this. I was in similar situation many years ago. My DH's exW has never worked, got married again in secret so he would Cary on playing mortgage. And even when he knew they were married he bought them a washing machine because apparently they couldn't afford it. Could afford to go out five nights a week though.

We had so many rows. He was paying her more on maintenance/extras than I was earning in a full time reasonably well paid job.
In a nutshell you need to spell it out how important the situation and in turn the effect it will have on your relationship

How did your situation get resolved walking?

Well it took a very very long time and a lot of it was down to just the children getting older - although he did pay full maintenance for them until the youngest was 23!

It was a similar situation though. DH paid for everything they needed on top of maintenance and mortgage. Mortgage came to an end after it was discovered thar she had remortgaged the house with her new DH forging my DH's name. Of course he wouldn't do anything about this legally. We only found out when we moved house and got a bad credit rating. He stopped paying the mortgage and the house was repossessed within months. It was appalling 20 years of mortgage payments thrown away. Holden were grown up by this point btw.
Couple of years later He gave them £25k as a deposit for a new house which was supposed to be ring-fenced for his children. 18mths later she sold it to one of those equity release companies as they were behind on payments. So more money down he drain.

I could go on but I'll stop now because it makes me feel incredibly resentful. My DH's retirement is looming and there really isn't a huge amount in the pot so it rankles at the moment.

Im sorry walking.

Hopefully OP will take your posts on board.

Walking I honestly don't know how you have managed in this situation. I can totally understand why you feel resentful. I hope things improve for you. Yes this has made me determined not to tolerate something in my life that could end up that way.

No Karma I am not talking about civility, I'm talking about DP feeling pressure to be like 'best friends' as if everything is water under the bridge, completely hunky dory and fantastical, with favours being thrown around everywhere and boundaries overstepped (that often make him feel uncomfortable).
I took his comments to mean that the intimacy has all gone between them, so he doesn't want the charade of false intimacy/friendship when he is just trying to be civil and surface friendly. Does that make sense?

I can see quite plainly that except from go to work, he has no hobbies and doesn't go out socialising or d anything much for himself, pretty much ever. I can't see how he would be hiding it if he liked expensive gadgets or wasted his money or went out all the time doing things I don't know about. He might go see the odd football match a few times a year or go do something nice with me now and again but he's not been on holiday, doesn't buy himself much and doesn't really feel he can because he's spent most of his adult life so far in a relationship where the dynamic is that to do or want any of those things is selfish

Has he taken any action to change the situation or has he made it all about his overwhelming guilt?

I think he's at the point where he realises this needs to change if he is ever going to be happy. No one thanks a martyr do they. I've pointed out that making yourself miserable to keep other people happy is just a waste of your life, no one will thank you for it and although he acknowledges that, I don't know what he's going to do about it. It might be little steps I think it would be silly to imagine some big sudden change overnight.

I'm hoping he's not just listened to any of my suggestions (like about the school) but gone ahead and done them. And other things of his own ideas.

I've made it quite clear I am not about to lay down and wallow in his guilt with him

Thanks HelenaDove and PookieDo. We're 20 years down the line now so things are pretty much resolved these days. We still pay for some things for his children - helping out with car repairs etc - but there is no issue with that at all as that is an arrangement he has come to directly with his children.

Anyway, the lesson is to be honest about how you feel so that he is clear about where you stand and what you want as a couple.
Be careful though as for a while my DH just kept things to himself which he admitted was easier than facing up to the fact that he was being taken advantage of... that didn't do our relationship any good at all.