Secretly dislike DP's ex wife situation

[PookieDo]

I'm not sure if this is my problem or a DP problem. I try so hard not to judge or dislike the ex as I am one myself, and I only have one side of the story. I read threads on here regularly and see this is a frequent issue. I completely bite my tongue around him and do not say anything negative about her to him when he talks to me about it. AIBU or none of my business?

Background is they have DC and she ended their relationship. Apparently he was absolutely devastated about it and shocked but he seems to have come to terms about it now and says he didn't realise he wasn't happy but is happy now. She very quickly got with a new man who has DC with him full time and IMO they are as good as living together - 80% of the week. All DC refer to each other as siblings and share bedrooms. Officially she is a single mother and complains a lot about being poor. She asks DP for money all the time for the basics saying she has no money, he pays well over the basic rate of maintenance at his agreement. He has the kids 2-3 days/nights a week too. He's a good good dad and the kids are lovely.

DP is still on the mortgage but she wants him to pay half the mortgage per month - despite new DP living there Most of the week. DP is trying to get off mortgage but she has to buy him out. She has no money so this is unlikely. He cannot pay all the maintenance and half the mortgage and his own rent but is trying to manage it all.

Here is the biggest but: he's just too nice and never says no to anything. I really feel that she is thoughtless and selfish and takes the total piss out of him because he is nice and easy to take advantage of. he feels guilty about the kids. I imagine her new DP can't contribute as he is paying living costs for a house he doesn't live in (maybe once a week). DP seems to feel like she wants the benefits of his salary to raise her children and run the household but without being married to him. Or getting a job that has a better salary. She can't move Her DP in officially without being forced by the terms of the divorce to sell it or buy him out, so it's a kind of circumnavigation of the rules. They are a 3 income family almost!

I can't see a point where we can ever live together because he's stuck on a mortgage, still subsidising her above the over the odds maintenance AND trying to look after the kids for the other 3 days of the week he has them. I have kids myself and just can't see at what point we have any future if it's like this. It feels like he is still married to her in many respects. It's very messy and makes me feel wary about getting more involved and will there be an end to it?

Op I really think it would be better for you to walk away. He's never going to change the mortgage situation because his kids live there and he feels guilty about not seeing them enough as is. Are you prepared to live with this for a very long time? And how would this impact your own future.

You say he is too nice and kind to say anything to her while full well knowing she's with someone else. But beneath that 'kindness' and being 'nice' is someone who didn't want to leave this woman, she left him and will have that hold over him.
I'm not saying that she's a bad person in any way but just remember you are in a situation where there's a lot of emotional baggage.

He wanted to be with her forever , and it's only 2 years that his family has been split up. Sounds like one leg is still there and the other with you.

Karma has made some very valid points.
I was a sahp for years. My ex wanted this. In the final years of our marriage( i was working g part time) he flipped between offering to be a sahd and telling me to train to get a degree so that I could work 50_60 hours every week, and saying that he couldn't possibly look after the dc.
After having first hand experience of him not caring for the dc, and by that I mean me returning from work at 5.30 to be greeted by two hungry toddlers who were still in their PJ's! With him stood by the door with a

Taxi booked so that he could have a full night out, i refused to go back to work full time.
My point being that people can make their mouth say anything. My ex wouldn't and didn't support my career progression.
No doubt the new wife hears a very different story.

I won't do that. I think I can only point out that the boundaries aren't great, respect one another's contributions etc. Yeah he focused on his career, that was a joint agreement for financial reasons but the reality of it didn't work well, but once you are stuck in a big mortgage and have multiple kids you somehow have to finance that. It's difficult to go backwards once you have reached a certain point. Like I said he's aware of mistakes he made and I think both of them had good intentions towards raising their family but different ideas about how that worked in a practical sense. Money broke down my relationship over time too so I get it. I also know now we have a clean break it reduces all that stress and it's not impossible to make work. I just want to see some kind of progress in a good direction! Not dumping them off for me

It's really hard being a part time worker/SAHM and overall - the woman - but we women also have to take some responsibility too. We could get into a whole debate about it trust me my ex values his job over time with our kids, I'm the one who always does the school hols and the sick days. I know it's hard. But I'm not a victim. I ended our relationship so that I could have freedom to make my own choices without his controlling input and it's been financially hard. DP is massively trying to overcompensate for his absence. I will always have the knowledge that he didn't choose to leave but I also ended my LTR and he didn't want me to leave either - but he's now a totally different person, we were not right or happy together we both know that now.

Your partner has and continues to make poor financial choices and you can make all the excuses in the world about his intent but it doesn't change the fact that he has the power to make better choices, but doesn't.

The focus on his unreasonable and reckless Ex is a distraction from your partner's complicity. Be very careful of the relationship dynamic you're promoting because while it may be convenient to see him as the victim now, it won't be so great when Mr confrontation avoider's behavior starts to impact you directly.

He really isn't helping the situation for his Ex or kids by being her banker. What incentive is there to get her shit together if he is her first resort for bailouts.

The point is nobody knows what the future holds.
For all we know his ex might meet someone and get married and move into a new property with him.
Thereby leaving the marital home to be sold and any equity split.
Eventually the house will be sold and the equity divided, it's just a matter of when.

emilybronte What an abusive lazy bastard. So glad hes an ex

Helena_ thanks. He always managed to turn it round on me.
Under different circumstances I would have done the degree but not whilst married to him.
Thankfully I'm no longer with him.

Glad you no longer with him Emily

I didn't talk to DP about it at all. I was going to when we were cuddling in bed chatting but she was texting and calling re the kids and then it turns out he's paid out for some other expense lately, and then said she's gone and spent a fair bit of money on something else that even I can't really afford myself and it just made me put off bothering for the time being. It could have been a good time to bring it up but on the other hand, I didn't want to say something off the back of it.

Pookie with each post your situation gets more and more ridiculous.

in what way?
I felt like I would get annoyed and say something out of order in a judgy way and it's none of my business. Well I think my face gave away what I thought about it. I said 'what? Really?'
Then the other part of me felt like it ruined the moment I was building up to of asking what he would like for the future because as usual, she butted in with stupid questions at an inappropriate time of the evening

Well why the fuck is she texting and calling while you are in bed FGS.

You would be better off without both of them in your life.

Things are still not great. I haven't seen him since the weekend. We had plans for this weekend but now he has agreed to do exw a favour and cancelled our plans. Now it's all a bit awkward as he could tell from my voice when he told me that I wasn't happy but I didn't mean to sound that way, it just happened in my voice. I was more disappointed than anything else then also disappointed I didn't get asked, I got TOLD. So I don't really get any consideration until after it's all agreed 'would you mind...?' It was 'plans have all changed'.
Because that's not my place to be part of any agreement. I'm on the outside. I feel like a total piece of crap for making it look like I don't think he should see his DC but it is of course not that at all. It won't put me out terribly and I have said it's fine. It is fine To see DC whenever he wants, same as he wouldn't be put out if it was the other way around. Although this is not because he wants to see DC, it's because she wants something. It's kind of different. Now he's trying to back track on it a bit but he's already agreed to it and the last thing I want is for him to renege on an agreement because of me, that is not a precedent we should set that he's in the middle trying to keep everyone happy.
I know deep down I think this sets a new precedent of its own where he will drop any plans at her request, so will there be a lot more requests? It is not so much I am not suited to date a father, I'm not sure he's really got space for a girlfriend

Do yourself a massive favour Pookie and get rid. He will always-quite rightly- put his DC's first but you seem to be way down the line in pecking order far behind his exW.
Find someone who has time to date you. Stop selling yourself short. You deserve much better than this.

We had a long circular discussion that avoided the main issue (his boundaries) but It sounds at the same time he's realising she's taking the piss, he cannot even recall ever agreeing to do this favour which IMO is nothing more than a dad-taxi job and doesn't give him any more time with the DC than a car ride. I repeated that it is fine and I don't want to be the reason he says no to it

But it's not fine is it !!!
Stop being a doormat. You are not happy about being TOLD your plans had changed--he expected you to agree and be fine and in this case did NOT consider you at all. You should be telling him this, not saying it's fine.
He sounds like a very weak inconsiderate man.

I'm fine that he should stick to something he agreed, fine in that sense. Because if you agree to it then you ought to face any consequences of it! I also have no issue with spending more time with the DC etc.
It's not fine I wasn't asked and he knows that. But then it's not ok to go back and say Pookie doesn't like it so I won't do it now
I will take the ex-w out of this like everyone said - well he's giving her what she asks, so my issue is not with her is it!

This isn't the first time he has changed plans either. Last time it was at short notice and despite agreeing to do something with me, he was asked to do something else for someone else, which he agreed to then ran himself ragged trying to do both things on the same day.

My DP is a fantastic dad to his children and supports them. I guess the situation is a bit different as his ex earns more than him so isn't dependant on his money but if plans have to change he considers me and asks me. Because his ex is reasonable and and I know he takes me into consideration I don't mind if there is an emergency and we need to cancel plans together because he needs to do something with his kids.

I think that's the way it should be.

I'm back for a little update if anyone doesn't mind.

We went out the other night and had a few drinks with friends of his. We don't drink very often or heavily so it was just 3 drinks but I was a little merry. When DP went to the toilet, his friend leaned over completely out of the blue and told me that he was so happy to see DP happy as what his ex did to him was awful and he was heartbroken. I didn't know how to respond to that but just said that I was happy and we are very happy.

On the way home I told DP what his friend had said and he got quite cross with the friend. I don't know why I repeated it but I blame the 3 drinks. I wasn't sure what he was cross about and he kind of explained it was on my behalf, and his own. I said the friend was just being kind (although in a blundering way) and not to get offended by it. He seemed cross that I might get upset by it and cross that the past was mentioned and it was negative towards his ex wife. I have no idea what DP had told the friend about the ex wife for it to be seen as her doing something awful to him (apart from telling him she didn't love him, so I am not sure if there is more to this I will never know).

This opened up a long conversation where he told me he loved me, was so happy, wants to move on from the past, doesn't want me to ever feel threatened and he is in this fully with me long term. I wasn't asking for this reassurance he went out of his way to give it to me.

This weekend I think there has been less contact between them, it hasn't seemed so invasive on our time and he hasn't brought up her in any discussion at all. So I don't know, it made me feel a bit more positive. But I did not bring up anything about money!