Secretly dislike DP's ex wife situation

[PookieDo]

I'm not sure if this is my problem or a DP problem. I try so hard not to judge or dislike the ex as I am one myself, and I only have one side of the story. I read threads on here regularly and see this is a frequent issue. I completely bite my tongue around him and do not say anything negative about her to him when he talks to me about it. AIBU or none of my business?

Background is they have DC and she ended their relationship. Apparently he was absolutely devastated about it and shocked but he seems to have come to terms about it now and says he didn't realise he wasn't happy but is happy now. She very quickly got with a new man who has DC with him full time and IMO they are as good as living together - 80% of the week. All DC refer to each other as siblings and share bedrooms. Officially she is a single mother and complains a lot about being poor. She asks DP for money all the time for the basics saying she has no money, he pays well over the basic rate of maintenance at his agreement. He has the kids 2-3 days/nights a week too. He's a good good dad and the kids are lovely.

DP is still on the mortgage but she wants him to pay half the mortgage per month - despite new DP living there Most of the week. DP is trying to get off mortgage but she has to buy him out. She has no money so this is unlikely. He cannot pay all the maintenance and half the mortgage and his own rent but is trying to manage it all.

Here is the biggest but: he's just too nice and never says no to anything. I really feel that she is thoughtless and selfish and takes the total piss out of him because he is nice and easy to take advantage of. he feels guilty about the kids. I imagine her new DP can't contribute as he is paying living costs for a house he doesn't live in (maybe once a week). DP seems to feel like she wants the benefits of his salary to raise her children and run the household but without being married to him. Or getting a job that has a better salary. She can't move Her DP in officially without being forced by the terms of the divorce to sell it or buy him out, so it's a kind of circumnavigation of the rules. They are a 3 income family almost!

I can't see a point where we can ever live together because he's stuck on a mortgage, still subsidising her above the over the odds maintenance AND trying to look after the kids for the other 3 days of the week he has them. I have kids myself and just can't see at what point we have any future if it's like this. It feels like he is still married to her in many respects. It's very messy and makes me feel wary about getting more involved and will there be an end to it?

You haven't heard her side so don't know why she ended the relationship, or what your bf was like in that relationship.

I don't think he will enforce it so it's not worth the divorce paper it is written on. I would never report her for fraud, I think she's a very silly woman but I wouldn't do that to the kids or DP.

I don't like it because he is struggling and stressed out. While we are financially separate I can only give advice and I will talk to him about not being taken advantage of too much but that's where it ends. I suppose his moving on hinges on him actually doing something about it, so thanks for advice.

He's paying a lot more, no I don't need to read it back. He pays over double what the minimum is, but he's being asked for more which he doesn't have. He is kind and considerate

She ended the marriage as she was unhappy and stressed and he was at work a lot and he was stressed out. They fell out over money a lot.

No one has an issue with the child support. I have no issue with child support. It's the extra constant pressure for more and more

I think tbh you seem to be too focussed on analysing the ex wife, and not enough on the fact that this relationship sounds doomed.

I get the impression a lot of divorced men with children want to get a situation where a new partner is coerced into subsidising their children whilst they "play mr nice but dumb"? (but they know exactly what the sums are adding up to be).

Your partner gets to look like the good guy with you taking on his drama and "filling in the gaps" financially and emotionally.

A woman I used to work with partnered up with a farmer. She works a full time job AND works on his farm business (for an asset that will be passed down to his children only).

Apparently he "didn't trust any women" and was devastated when his ex wife left him. So she ended up having to do a lot of free hard manual labour to win his trust, in some bizarre "pick me I'm better than the evil ex-wife" dance.

He recently proposed to her - she'll now be contributing way over the odds whilst he and his children reap the benefits.

(He must be GREAT in bed or something )

I probably do focus on her too much, maybe I do. I don't know. My impression rightly or wrongly is that he feels immense guilt, wants to be the nice guy all the time and do the right thing and in the process is getting screwed over. I'm on the sidelines feeling like they are still married and I have no place or a future because she still needs him so much. It doesn't feel like a good balance or a clean break from either side.

A lot of men use being the nice guy as an excuse to be passive and not make decisions that would rock the boat.

I think there is something of a "script" which some divorced men feed new partners and it generally absolves them of all blame and goads the new girlfriend into turning rescuer and fighting all their battles because they're such poor put upon little lambs

I mean look at the active thread on WOHMs here ( I had this experience in my first marriage)

you have men who passive aggressively are trying to get their confident, hard working wives to scale back their careers to "focus on the children".

You can guarantee that if they divorce ther ex wives will then be re invented as lazy gold digging bitches looking for someone to subsidise them.

The gap I am filling is fun really isn't it. He gets to have sex with someone who actually wants to, he has no responsibility to me in any way shape or form, we might date eternally because he has so much responsibility towards family no1, there will never be an our family no2. We don't want more kids but I mean a time where we can just lump it all in together and muddle through. I would never in a million years want any of them to be unhappy or struggling I think I would like some consideration and respect for him wanting to build his own new life too. People assume it's really easy for men to move on but I don't think that's the case when they are stuck in a financial bind to an ex partner with no clean break. He had nowhere to live for quite some time and had to sofa surf. He's had it really really fucking hard making sure she/kids didn't go without.

I don't like dating men without children because they want to travel and that kind of thing and in my long experience they find it hard to understand my own ties to having kids and lack of social life and financial strain. DP and I are really good together, we do not argue we have great sex, we laugh so much, trust each other and have a lot of the same interests. Paying child support and overall support of kids is just part and parcel of what goes together. This needing him is almost like sharing him with another woman

Pauletyea

It is hard to explain but he hasn't exactly done this. He's been quite honest about where he thinks he went wrong as a husband and how he is working on those things to not make the same mistakes again.
He genuinely seems to feel awful about their financial predicaments but also stressed and not sure what's true - if the DP is living there then this breaks the terms of the divorce, but he wants to trust she's being honest about it and has tried to afford her as much as he can manage. I honestly don't think she wastes any thoughts on how this affects him because all she is focused on is her own situation. I can understand that.
He doesn't slate her to me, this is all my brain working overtime when he tells me another piece of info, or a DC repeats something about their alleged poverty and that part especially drives him bonkers, he doesn't want the DC to feel like they are poor so then seems to try harder to make it better. She's never had a career and he never stopped her working or anything.

This is me looking at my own future, he hasn't asked me to move in together or fight any battles, I think he just confides in me and I always try to see things from her side too (when I speak to him, not on this thread!)

I'm being selfish. I want a future that involves a house, mortgage, future, happy family too. I've been on my own a long time and I think it would be nice. He's probably the wrong man for it though

I think that two years in you need a good chat with him. Resentment will set in and ruin it otherwise.

Could you discuss saving together for the future ? Bring it up gently. I don't think he should be paying the mortgage

"Sex with someone who actually wants to" - is that a bitchy comment about his ex? Surely that's just a part of any consensual sexual relationship?

If you're looking for a relationship with the prospect of moving in together in the near-ish future, without subsidising your partner, this seems unlikely to be your man. If you were happy to have separate homes and finances and "just" be in a relationship, it could work.

We can't know his financial circumstances, or how fair his and his ex's arrangements are, but a recently divorced man who is a good father is likely to have big financial outgoings.

It wasn't intended as bitchy no, I meant that I gather they did not have much of a physical relationship because theirs was on the out. Which is quite normal. But he has that with me so it's me filling one of the gaps that was missing I suppose.

Large financial outgoings, agree, expected. I just can't see where it ends at the moment. He could be on that mortgage for another decade or more. This isn't what he was expecting so led me to believe it would all get resolved. It's not it's getting worse. She still cannot manage on what he is providing and I don't know where it will crack. I've waffled a lot but that's the crux. This does not seem to be a stable financial outgoing but an unstable one where she is entirely propped up by DP and still not managing. Hell I don't even know if she would try take him back if it got really bad. And I don't know if he would go or not. It makes me feel insecure. I can't help it

Does his Ex have a job?

I think you should bear in mind that her new partner has his children to support, plus possibly an Ex too?. As well as his own home, so you kind of need to disregard him.

Taking him out of the equation, your BF needs to tackle the issue.

I'm just thinking of my DB. He's divorced. He actually still pays 100% of the mortgage. He has the DC 50% of the time. He buys them clothes, shoes and takes them on holidays.

His Ex manages without moaning to him.

It's the laziness of your partners Ex. Very often the things you like in a man, are also the things that others take advantage of.

When the youngest DC is 18 he will get a % of the equity.

I understand you feel resentful, but it's his choice to pay 'double' the amount of maintenance, so nothing will change until he rectifies this. You should be moaning to him, not an internet forum.
DP seems to feel like she wants the benefits of his salary to raise her children and run the household but without being married to him. erm, yes, they are still his children and he should be contributing half (or whatever was decided) for their accommodation as well as maintenance. Forgive me if I missed something, but if you don't ask for anything from him to support you/kids, why should her new partner buy your DP out of the house? Why should she have to ask him for this massive financial support, when your DP doesn't do the same for you?
You sound as if you feel the whole financial situation is completely unfair on you (understandably) , but your DP is perpetuating this. If he's not going to change it you're never going to be happy. Good luck.

This is a DP problem and this is the consequence of dating a man who hasn't sorted his shit. This will continue as long as he allows it to, the kind and generous man you refer to now is slowly becoming the sap with no backbone.

Your anger is misdirected. His Ex prefers the status quo and therefore she isn't going to want to change it any time soon, you're really angry at your DP for not sorting his shit but instead his Ex gets your rage because you've decided that he's the victim and who gets angry at the victim.

His behaviour with his ex is an influence on your relationship dynamic and he doesn't appear willing to change that anytime soon, so your choices are a) accept that this man comes with this baggage or b) quit before you feeling sorry for him turns into resentment that him not sorting his shit impacts your future together.

Everybody contributes to their relationship dynamic and wether you like it or not, your bf's role in the relationship dynamic with his Ex, is of doormat and only he can change that.

It sounds like nothing will change fast. I don't think this is the relationship for you.

But at least try and talk it all through first, openly and honestly.

Large financial outgoings, agree, expected. I just can't see where it ends at the moment

there is nothing more likely to erode an otherwise good relationship than lack of financial empowerment. And your DP, albeit a nice guy, is unwilling to shake things up and disturb the status quo with his ex. He'd rather limp along with things as they are. Let's face it he is lucky to have you prepared to put up with it and not give him a hard time about it.

I admire you working and studying, to build a more secure life for you and your DC. Your arrangements do not encroach on your DP, because you 'got your shit in a sock' and cut the ties sufficiently to not have legacy crap clouding your future. Your DP is a bit of an ostrich and instead of taking decisive action, he is allowing his past to continue to affect his present (which includes you).

Going forward, I'd tell him you are finding it affects how you feel about the relationship (no ultimatum, it won't work unless you're prepared to act on it). See if it helps nudge him towards making change happen re the house / mortgage. If he does absolutely nothing in the next few months, it will be a clear sign you can count on this situation for 10+ years to come....

Thanks for everyone who has given advice.

Firstly half the mortgage payment was never part of the agreed divorce. I was surprised by this myself as she is low income so it probably was always doomed to fail in some way.

I will try to explain more of why I feel that he's come off badly: he never wanted to end the marriage and he has made big sacrifices to ensure she was secure, he had nowhere to live for a while. She doesn't seem to appreciate that he needs to build his own new life one day now the marriage is over. Because despite him giving her a huge amount of financial support, over time she now in my opinion takes him for a ride with other financial demands/requests because she knows he will feel guilty about the kids and pay it.

Overall the maintence is not an issue and in many ways nor is the mortgage because his name is still on it. It's the attitude and respect around the kids about mum being poor, making him feel more guilty and agreeing between them to go halves on things then never contributing. Where does it end if DP never says no, it looks like he's an easy cash machine who is happy to do it. All this is doing is building resentment between everyone and it hasn't drawn any clear lines between them. If he withdraws any financial support he looks like a complete wanker even if this means it financially cripples him and his girlfriend breaks up with him over it.

and in many ways nor is the mortgage because his name is still on it

I beg to differ. The reality is his name on a mortgage where he has absolutely no say in that asset. It's just a money-sink. Yes it's a roof over his DCs heads but putting that aside, it just sucks away money. And his credit status is on a knife-edge if ever the monthly payments aren't met fully.

Again, financial disempowerment is a significant theme, and sorry to say it Poookiedo, but it will continue to drag you down, the longer it carries on.

I really think you need to have an honest chat with him. I mean, could this be a deal breaker for you? I'll tell you my situation... DP, we're both students, moved in with me last year. He doesn't really contribute financially to our household as one of the reasons he moved in was because he wouldn't be able to afford to live on his own and be a student. He pays well over the odds in maintainance to his ex plus half of school uniform etc. He has his dc twice a week but they live half an hour away so he often just takes them to their house. There is no food there when he does so he ends up buying for the fridge and ex often doesn't turn up at home till 11pm. He's still on their mortgage too. I get £120 a month maintainance for my two eldest kids - I feel like I'm trying to subsidise his ex! I pay for dps living costs so he can continue paying her what she's used to! She almost lives with very rich bf and has unlimited childcare so she can work. Have a serious chat before you get to this point. I'm very unhappy about my situation...

This is less to do with him 'doing the right thing' and more to do with him avoiding confrontation with his Ex. This will come back to bite him and you, if you end up subsidising his reluctance to sort his shit.

You appear to feel sorry for him and that is not a dynamic you want promote, especially when him 'being the victim' of his poor financial decisions, is the the real problem.

I think you sound kind and tolerant. But is this the relationship for you because you will always feel you come second although you most certainly are not.

You need to tell him what you have told us all here. This will be hard because you will then be confronted with the truth of where your relationship is headed and whether he is prepared to put you first - by this I mean over his ex wife, not his children. You may have to prepare yourself for some uncomfortable truths.

You are right he seems to be avoiding confrontation and I suppose that would have to be my deal breaker that the boundaries were clearer and firmer for all. A set amount of money is agreed because otherwise it would leave us all on unstable ground. It's not whether this is too much money but the issue that there is a set amount. Does that seem fair? It seems fair to me. I suppose I can only discuss this with him

I think it is fair to lay out your feelings.

Is there any possibility of a discussion with all the adults involved? It's the only way we made progress. My DHs divorce took 4 years whereas mine took 5 weeks nearly a decade ago. It's only when ex wife's DP took up the baton that we made progress. He was as frustrated us us by the situation. Now most text messages that impact us all, go to all 4 of us. So holidays, changes in schedule, evening doctor appointments, specialists, school meetings etc

Also I think you need to have a discussion to agree what you'd both like the future to look like. When you've agreed this and a timescale you need to discuss how you make that happen.

I think it would be a good idea for lots of reasons to have a big chat. For e.g. For us to live together all of our kids needed to go to the same school. So there's quite a lot of discussion - who buys school stuff, uniform and equipment.

I think you also need to ask how she sees the future. It sounds like the current agreement isn't working at all, so that needs to change for something realistic. Go into the meeting with all the information necessary.

I think I read he has kids 3 nights a week so nearly 50/50. This should allow her to step up her earning potential. I think the idea is to make it work for everyone, but also to say that the current situation is not sustainable. He needs a house for his kids when they are with him (and you), no less than she does. Her needs don't triumph his or yours. The only thing that counts is the kids. He isn't obliged to support her I imagine, but she needs to understand that.

No threats just facts and various propositions.

It sounds like the current agreement isn't working at all

It's working just fine for the Ex wife and the OPs BF, hasn't vocalised any problems with it either.

This is only a problem for the OP, because if her BF saw it as a serious problem, he'd do something about it.

In reality, if the Ex doesn't earn enough, then he was always going to pay half the mortgage or more.

Another option is for some equity to be released /remortgage to pay the OPs BF his share, the problem after that is, if the Ex doesn't earn enough money to meet the monthly payments, it will all come back on him.