Secretly dislike DP's ex wife situation

[PookieDo]

I'm not sure if this is my problem or a DP problem. I try so hard not to judge or dislike the ex as I am one myself, and I only have one side of the story. I read threads on here regularly and see this is a frequent issue. I completely bite my tongue around him and do not say anything negative about her to him when he talks to me about it. AIBU or none of my business?

Background is they have DC and she ended their relationship. Apparently he was absolutely devastated about it and shocked but he seems to have come to terms about it now and says he didn't realise he wasn't happy but is happy now. She very quickly got with a new man who has DC with him full time and IMO they are as good as living together - 80% of the week. All DC refer to each other as siblings and share bedrooms. Officially she is a single mother and complains a lot about being poor. She asks DP for money all the time for the basics saying she has no money, he pays well over the basic rate of maintenance at his agreement. He has the kids 2-3 days/nights a week too. He's a good good dad and the kids are lovely.

DP is still on the mortgage but she wants him to pay half the mortgage per month - despite new DP living there Most of the week. DP is trying to get off mortgage but she has to buy him out. She has no money so this is unlikely. He cannot pay all the maintenance and half the mortgage and his own rent but is trying to manage it all.

Here is the biggest but: he's just too nice and never says no to anything. I really feel that she is thoughtless and selfish and takes the total piss out of him because he is nice and easy to take advantage of. he feels guilty about the kids. I imagine her new DP can't contribute as he is paying living costs for a house he doesn't live in (maybe once a week). DP seems to feel like she wants the benefits of his salary to raise her children and run the household but without being married to him. Or getting a job that has a better salary. She can't move Her DP in officially without being forced by the terms of the divorce to sell it or buy him out, so it's a kind of circumnavigation of the rules. They are a 3 income family almost!

I can't see a point where we can ever live together because he's stuck on a mortgage, still subsidising her above the over the odds maintenance AND trying to look after the kids for the other 3 days of the week he has them. I have kids myself and just can't see at what point we have any future if it's like this. It feels like he is still married to her in many respects. It's very messy and makes me feel wary about getting more involved and will there be an end to it?

BF isn't happy about it and suspects this is mismanagement of money and she has taken on new DP and his kids but he isn't contributing his fair share in return. This was never supposed to be long term in his mind either but he isn't exactly tackling it and that alone makes me think that our future as a couple could be doomed. I don't want to be the evil girlfriend who forces his hand because then I would feel guilty too. He's led me to believe this is temporary but it doesn't appear that way

I think the main thing is that, if your BF does nothing, then nothing will happen.

It's down to him to make changes and try and recognise what the children need, as opposed to what they want. Stuff like school trips, he can pay direct to the school. Clothes and the like, he can take them shopping.

He needs to not put money in her hands as much as possible.

I empathise, because my ex SIL was not good at managing money. That's why my DB said he would continue paying the entire mortgage, so she would not default. Because it's partly his asset. It's in his best interests to do so and it provides a roof over his DCs heads, when they are not with him.

My ex SIL tried to cry poverty to me once and I said that I would have a word with my DB, as she should not be impoverished with the DC. She quickly asked me not to say anything.

But she proceeded to tell the DC, they could no longer afford certain sky TV channels and that they would have to start having shop branded cereal as they couldn't afford kellogs anymore since my DB had left.

It's nothing but manipulation. I told MY DB to take the kids to the supermarket and let them choose what they wanted, because otherwise, they would associate him leaving, with them being poor.

I was not impressed with her and his words were that she saw him as a walking ATM.

My DB doesn't give her money for holidays.. He takes the DC on holiday himself and if she can't afford a holiday.. That's her problem. Although she'd rather go into debt for pride sake.

Your BF needs to be more aware of the needs of the DC and not fall prey to her nonsense.

You need to ask your BF to make some changes. His ex sees him as an open wallet and is exploiting that. If he wants to stop being exploited then thats something you can help him work through. The house needs to be sold and the assets of that marriage fairly distributed and correct maintenance amounts paid. He should be caring of his kids but its time for his ex to move on.

If he cant do that then leave him to be exploited and find someone new.

Thanks it's been good to talk about it, I haven't really wanted to talk to my friends about it because I only get a biased view as they just take my side and that isn't what I want. It's good to see the whole picture. It looks to me like the divorce wasn't well thought out and she was not likely to be able to manage from the get go, some naivety on both sides. I don't know if she has chosen a bit of a cock lodger as it's also possible he's taking advantage of her and she's not managing. She's had a big shock going from their joint income but neither wanting to sell the house so a stale mate.
I will talk to him about the future, it would be good to know if we even want the same things. I've been too afraid to do it because I don't want to pressure him. You are also all right that he is a very good conflict avoider and does not like rocking the boat but this seems to be because he is so focused on trying so hard to keep his kids happy and like a PP said, not equating him leaving with being poor. Sadly this has happened anyway despite his efforts. hes not a victim I am aware he's got himself in this own mess despite his best intentions and I am sure she has hers. It did not look this messy when I first got involved! Otherwise I might never have

I'm afraid that's exactly what it does look like to me about her being independent and unfortunately why I judged her on it from having been in her position. I think everyone is expecting her to swap out her ex husband for the new man because it is her best option financially. It hasn't happened yet but my cynical side expects it will. The feminist side in me does understand it's hard but I just couldn't put myself in such a vulnerable position and have no independence of my own. Even if it goes wrong with any partner I have, I know I can do it on my own.

Pookie the most important thing to remember is you are not beholden to any man nor do you have to stay in a relationship where the Ts and Cs do not align to your values as a woman and a mother. The benefit of having your own independence is the ability to exercise choice.

He is lucky to have an intelligent strong woman. If he squanders it because he can't grow a backbone and refocus on his new priorities that's his fault.

Hopefully a chat will help for you to get things out in the open so it doesn't turn into a volcano about to erupt [smike]

How much do you really know (facts, not guesses and assumptions) about her DP and his financial situation, and whether she subsidies him or not? Unless you know for a fact that her money is used in this way, surely his involvement is irrelevant?
It's not whether this is too much money but the issue that there is a set amount. Does that seem fair? It seems fair to me.
Don't know about this, as things like school uniform /trips etc happen irregularly and without prior knowledge/planning, but your DP should still contribute to things like this. It doesn't seem like this would be covered by a set amount given at a certain time.

I also think the new dp is irrelevant. My xh supports me through spousal maintenance that automatically stops if I remarry or live with someone. I would hate to be pressured into living with a bf I wasn't completely sure about just so xh could stop paying. It will be a big decision, after one divorce and knowing all financial support will stop.

You have no idea really how she feels about her new bf, or about anything really, so much is assumption and guesswork, and not really your business either.

The new BF situation as far as I am aware without any assumptions is that he has his DC full time and the house is set up as a family home for them all with proper furniture, i.e. Not camp beds on a floor. DP's car is on the drive every pick up and drop off unless he's at work. They eat together, sleep over, go to school together and regard each other as siblings and the DP is step dad. So he asked if the DP had moved in and the reply was 'oh no not yet, he goes home sometimes. He's not here all the time' but DP has no real way of knowing if any of this is true. It's not a BF/GF situation like ours - weekends spent together at the cinema or something it's 'as good as living together without losing your house or tax credits' as it gets. Also when DC cite reasons for being poor they use the reason that they now have a large family to support

Karma it is the house that my DP is on the mortgage. He won't force her hand via court I think he's waiting around for something to change by itself

I think it will be very difficult to prove and potentially damaging to his relationship with his dc - if they are suddenly suffering hardship 'because dad has stopped paying'.

If the situation you outline is true, and particularly given that she ended the marriage, then I can see that it is galling.

The only way forward would be for him to sit down with his ex, and her dp if appropriate, and explain his viewpoint whilst offering an amount he considers fair.

Once settled, he can explain the changes to his dc in an age appropriate way, and there is nothing stopping him from putting the money into an account for them instead.

Obviously 'fair' within the parameters of the divorce settlement.

If he's unwilling to do that - if he is complaining to you but in his heart knows he is paying no more than what was originally agreed, or if he is willing to overpay in order to maintain an amicable relationship with his ex and dc, well then your choice is whether you can live with it.

I also think I will always struggle not to judge her for this either, I can't seem to stop myself kind of looking down on her over it. I think it's not so much mummy bear protecting her cubs at all costs but feeling she is entitled to it all. I don't know her well enough but I can't shift those feelings easily. How do you work round those even if I accept the situation?

My ex has a partner and a baby and I've never felt this way about her because I don't think she has wonky slightly fraudulent morals. It's the slight veil of deception I don't like, and the whining. She's always complaining about the actual house too, too small, needs work done on it. DP was going to do the work on it, but now he doesn't live there but he's still on the mortgage he feels like he's obliged to contribute to that too. Don't know if he will or not. It's his money to do as he wishes but I am intending to talk to him about the future I just have to be so careful what I say about his ex. I don't want to look bitter or jealous

I feel like maybe I am not a nice person because of how I feel about this. Maybe I am not!

So he's paying the mortgage to keep a roof over not only his own children but some other man's and his children are now using that reason to ask for more money /say they are poor i.e. Our family is now bigger and we are supporting new bf and family.
So I'm assuming that cm is now being used to pay living costs for another family plus they are living in the house free.

Op there is supporting your own dc and there's being a total mug and your dp is being a mug.

However he has to see this for himself and if he can't your relationship is doomed

This all sounds messy.
I can't understand why he is paying the mortgage.
In all honesty I think the house should be sold and his ex move into smaller/ cheaper accommodation.
As for her new partner there should be no pressure for them to move in together so that is irrelevant.
I don't see this ending well for you op.
Yes your oh sounds like a good man. Seriously there are probably millions of women who do this and have to provide for their dc yet he is being hailed as a hero.
I think I would take a step back and cool the relationship if I were you.

I may have missed this it how old are his children?
If nearly 18 then possibly you could struggle on . If not then I personally couldn't put up with it for that long.

They are primary aged. So yeah, this is only the beginning.

I have a clean break with my ex. We sold our house, split the small amount of money and now both rent which is not ideal but we were realistic that neither of us could afford to pay the mortgage alone without severe financial hardship - it never seemed worth keeping a house for the sake of the kids, only for the kids to suffer in other ways. I also have a solid financial arrangement of maintence and solid child access arrangements. Both of these are flexible to a certain extent, school trips or uniforms are planned in advance by both of us and pay half each. Swapping days with the kids is usually in advance, drop off times can vary but we have settled into a routine.

DP and his ex seem to have more of a chaotic approach to their arrangements. This would drive me mad wouldn't it I can see now. I think he wants what I have but both ex partners have to agree to it and stick to it

The idea of forcing her to rely on her new DP is not what I want either I think it's a terrible idea. No one should feel that they have to do that. If she had not blurred the lines by blending the family into one large one I think this would not be such a risk. IMO I think that's what she will try to do, get the new DP to take over. She seems to have little other options being so intent on keeping the house at all costs

Well realistically if she can't afford the mortgage on her own then she can't keep the house.
However that is something for your oh and his ex to sort out.
I think you have very different approaches.
Personally I think yours is the better of the two, your ohs would drive he mad.
Unless your oh sorts this out I don't see a happy future for the two of you.

Do you know for sure what was agreed when they divorced?

He may have agreed to spousal maintenance, or paying the mortgage until the dc are 18, or paying half of occasional costs such as school trips.

Basically do you know for sure that he is doing anything other than what was approved in court when they split?

I think I am in his ex's shoes, except I didn't initiate the split and don't have a new dp.

Xh pays generously, and I would hate to think a new gf was judging me or looking down on me for accepting what we agreed between us, or second guessing whether I needed it or not, or analysing my romantic life.

Do you think you might feel jealous that you managed as a 'proper' single parent without much practical or financial support?

Time he went to the CSA and get a proper settlement figure sorted. Im sure benifits agency will be happy to have a say to what she should get if she has a live in partner