Secretly dislike DP's ex wife situation

[PookieDo]

I'm not sure if this is my problem or a DP problem. I try so hard not to judge or dislike the ex as I am one myself, and I only have one side of the story. I read threads on here regularly and see this is a frequent issue. I completely bite my tongue around him and do not say anything negative about her to him when he talks to me about it. AIBU or none of my business?

Background is they have DC and she ended their relationship. Apparently he was absolutely devastated about it and shocked but he seems to have come to terms about it now and says he didn't realise he wasn't happy but is happy now. She very quickly got with a new man who has DC with him full time and IMO they are as good as living together - 80% of the week. All DC refer to each other as siblings and share bedrooms. Officially she is a single mother and complains a lot about being poor. She asks DP for money all the time for the basics saying she has no money, he pays well over the basic rate of maintenance at his agreement. He has the kids 2-3 days/nights a week too. He's a good good dad and the kids are lovely.

DP is still on the mortgage but she wants him to pay half the mortgage per month - despite new DP living there Most of the week. DP is trying to get off mortgage but she has to buy him out. She has no money so this is unlikely. He cannot pay all the maintenance and half the mortgage and his own rent but is trying to manage it all.

Here is the biggest but: he's just too nice and never says no to anything. I really feel that she is thoughtless and selfish and takes the total piss out of him because he is nice and easy to take advantage of. he feels guilty about the kids. I imagine her new DP can't contribute as he is paying living costs for a house he doesn't live in (maybe once a week). DP seems to feel like she wants the benefits of his salary to raise her children and run the household but without being married to him. Or getting a job that has a better salary. She can't move Her DP in officially without being forced by the terms of the divorce to sell it or buy him out, so it's a kind of circumnavigation of the rules. They are a 3 income family almost!

I can't see a point where we can ever live together because he's stuck on a mortgage, still subsidising her above the over the odds maintenance AND trying to look after the kids for the other 3 days of the week he has them. I have kids myself and just can't see at what point we have any future if it's like this. It feels like he is still married to her in many respects. It's very messy and makes me feel wary about getting more involved and will there be an end to it?

CSA only looks at child maintenance and would not overturn anything agreed in court at divorce.

Yes you could report her for benefit fraud but you'd better be confident you're right.

Argh lost my post.
No jealousy, I feel proud of myself. I can't imagine being this tied up with someone I divorced. I can't be jealous that she isn't independent. It's not a clean divorce in any case, so it doesn't make me feel good as a new partner that there is a space for me. Not exactly jealousy.

I do know what was agreed and it was a set amount. I have NO issues with the amount. None. And clearly neither did they as they both signed it....
It's the extra. And it's not about school uniforms or anticipated extras. And it's the expectation on him that he will always meet these costs that haven't been agreed on. It's the house costs that now suddenly become DP's problem again.

It's like you going back to your ex and saying well I know we agreed before but actually I can't manage at all, by the way someone is kind of living here with more kids too but never mind that, we are in poverty.

I think a naive divorce here. Also it is naive and silly to build a bigger new family when the first one has so many unresolved financial issues. Either it's playing with fire or trying to have your cake and eat it.

I am in a catch 22, I would never ever want to be with a man who didn't provide for his children and ensure they were ok, but I also don't think I want to be with a man who is so beholden/entangled.

If the CSA can get the calculation level set officially, there is nothing to stop your DP then giving ad hoc additional amounts, on an ongoing basis. The important difference is he can be in the driving seat, and it gives his ex a clear message he is moving positively into a new changed life. At the moment she probably feels it's all the same old same old and is comfortable with that arrangement.

Also it could then give your DP motivation to sort out the mortgage. That will be more complex but it could eventually move towards a clean break with some determined hard work on his part.

As I said upthread, its all in his hands how seriously he feels about his relationship with you and how much he cares about the risk of losing you over all this.

I also think if you don't like it you should leave.

It's his decision what he does about his XW and DC. I wouldn't like it either but I wouldn't have got involved with him if he was this enmeshed and I knew it would have an impact on me financially.

It sounds like you are expected to pick up the slack and I would not be up for that. However, it's his life, his money, his family, so no point in you trying to interfere if he is happy with how things are.

If he didn't like it he wouldn't do it. A year after a Consent Order anyone can go to CMS and make a new claim/variation.

Are you sure you know the real story? My dad fed his new partner a very similar story about a greedy ex-wife.

When really the reason he was always broke was womanising and gambling debts. He wasn't paying the mortgage on our house, he wasn't making the court ordered maintenance or child support payments (pre CSA days) and he wasn't buying me extra stuff. It was all a lie to cover his financial and sexual shenanigans.

He hid it all successfully until they were married, then quickly went bankrupt. She ended up selling her house and moving to a smaller one as well as switching from p/t to f/t work. As she had remarried her maintenance payments stopped, and the financial mess my dad was in meant he couldn't make up the shortfall.

CSA do not look at spousal maintenance or any other amount op's dp may have agreed, such as paying the mortgage. Also, if a total sum was agreed that included child maintenance, it can't be overturned (or at least, the spousal element goes up as the child maintenance goes down).

Does your DP even want to move in with you?

Sounds a lot like he's having his emotional cake and eating it now- you're there for sex and connection and support, he gets to look like the good guy to the kids and be thought of well by the ex wife (the one he didn't want to leave) and he keeps his well paid high status job ( note- he could have cut back on work and gone for joint 50/50 custody which would avoid the ex wife payments, but of course that wasn't an option )

• I think Mr Nice Guy is a little less "caught up in feelings and guilt" and a lot more "calculating eye on the main chance" than you might think.

First rule of Wifework and feminism is stop comparing your relationship/yourself to other women and start looking at your partner. Seems like he's getting a plum
deal and he might "just" agree to move in with you if you do all the heavy lifting. Why would you choose that for your children and yourself?

As I said from the beginning, I haven't wanted to talk about a future because how can we, when this is all going on? I'm secretly doing all this judging and thinking. We did speak about houses once, talking about house prices and he commented that we would need one of a certain size for all the kids. Also he's keen to let me know this isn't just a fling, he's into it, in love, he is really happy. He has given no indication of an emotional attachment to Ew wife other than guilt.

I never want to be the partner who comes in and demands all kind of changes and to be no1. I also don't want to be bottom of the pile either. So how does anyone else do it and establish where you fit in?

I didn't realise it was quite like this until recent months and I was already with him. He hasn't given me any reason to think any of this isn't true. He didn't leave with anything and wouldn't take anything from the house.

My options are only stay and see how things progress or walk away now. The other option of make a big fuss and cause ructions is NOT the type of person I want to be. No matter what I am just going to focus on my own life anyway, building my career. I just know I don't want long term separate living indefinitely otherwise what's the point? Currently the living apart is fine and nothing needs to change but I don't want to waste 5 years waiting for the next step that never comes. Planning on bringing this up with him soon and will report back!

What does he have to feel guilty about?

I would walk away............

He feels guilty that now he's left (not of his choosing) the kids perceive that they are poor. He doesn't want them to resent him, he feels guilty he didn't make his marriage work and that he's let them down. I absolutely get it and wouldn't tell him he shouldn't feel otherwise

You need to have a full and frank conversation with him that there is no future in your own relationship until he gets his finances in order.

Tell him it is time for him to stand up to ex and tell her that from now on he will be abiding by the court order and any CMS (if they went that route).

He can also tell ex that her new partner should pay his way with household expenses for him and his kids.

If your DP is not prepared to move on from his ex then you should move on from him.

How did it get to the stage you're at not knowing that he was paying the mortgage on his ex-wife's house until recently ? It's fairly big information, like a pp said its the equivalent of a guy with a high powered career being financially back in student days. It's not uncommon.

You seem determined to focus on getting everyone to analyse and discuss the ex wife, but your partner ( the one you're involved with) CHOSE to marry her ( lack of career ambition and all) and is CHOOSING to support her ( in her lack of career ambition) and would have stayed married to her given the choice.

That's what he likes. That's the kind of woman he is drawn to.

It's like you're caught up in "proving" you're better than her and make him happier than she did, but this just seems like a losing strategy long term

You need to talk to your partner about it all.

Nobody can help you or give you answers other than your partner.

Being honest with you it doesn't sound like you can have any sort of future the way things are and I don't see how things are going to change if your partner is reluctant to actually change anything.

I think you should try and chat but be prepared that you will probably need to walk away before it gets even more painful.

OP it sounds like a really tough situation for you. It sounds like it is weighing on your mind heavily.

Can you try chatting to your OH about his vision of the future/What his thoughts are?

It sounds like you are working hard for your financial security/future which is great.

How long have you been seeing him? Apologies, I might have missed this info.

I think after seeing what he says you can ponder whether it fits in with what you are aiming towards, whether your goals align?

I think you need to have a frank chat with yourself about this about whether you can stick with what he says or doesn't say. I think that's what it might boil down to, about how you feel. Your feelings are right for you, don't let anyone tell you you are wrong or that your feelings are wrong.

But also don't be too hasty (I say this as I am the queen of hasty!). Good luck, thinking positive thoughts

Yeah my DP had an ex like this OP, despite earning more than DP. I kept my mouth shut for the first 6 months of our relationship and then I told him that(in my opinion) he was still as much in a relationship with her as when they were together, only difference was they were living apart. He was totally at her beck and call.

She totally took the piss financially and he was scared she'd stop him seeing the kids if he didn't do as she said. She would ring him up and demand extra money saying she had no food in the house and no heating etc (she always had her wine and cigarettes every night though).

When I asked him where her contribution to DC were, it was like a lightbulb moment for him. She was literally paying nothing for their child. She also has another child who my DP treats as his own so he was providing for both and she happily let him.

Anyway, he sorted it out and we're still together but as predicted, she totally kicked off when he started to take back some control. He now looks back and says he can't believe what a mug he was. They don't even speak anymore(I don't agree with this but he won't speak to her at all) because of some of the stunts she tried to pull. He now only deals with her family members re kids. Good luck, it's not easy to see your DP getting walked all over.

Sorry I think I have spoken about her a lot and some of it was answering questions people had asked.

I asked him about her job/career in the sense of could he support her getting into something new or training (helping with the kids so she can) because to me, that would be really helpful but she didn't seem to be interested when he put it to her. But he could just be saying that. I also suggested him doing less hours but he isn't keen on that because he's got the burden of financial support and the idea of having less money for the house/kids will just be even more stressful. He's got a fairly good job that he's been moving up he does have good career prospects and it was one reason for the marriage breakdown - she didn't want him to have that career, she wanted him at home a lot more, but didn't want a career either and that did not make financial sense when you have children.

I do not want to win a competition of he's happier with me because he isn't really happy as it is either is he? he's cut up about not living with his kids anymore, there will always be that sadness. I meant that I think we have a very different relationship and mainly because we have no kids and no responsibility to each other so of course it's different to a stressful fractious marriage. Also aware he loved her very much once and wanted to be with her and made all these choices jointly. I don't know how similar or dissimilar we are, I've had a totally different life experience to both of them and we are all older now. You know more at 40 what you want from life than 20 don't you.

And I didn't know a lot of this before because he hasn't told me! I didn't go delving into it and he didn't disclose it. More recently it's all started to be brought up

I can't understand why he is paying the mortgage.

I think it's right that he does that. My DB pays the entire mortgage for his Ex W as the DC live there half the time and he wants a secure roof over their heads. That's until the youngest is 18.

Plus the truth is he doesn't really trust her not to fall behind on the payments.

I don't think many Exes get 100% paid, but the difference is that it hasn't impacted on him being able to purchase another house when he remarried.

I can understand why you feel that way about her TBH. The fact is that the that what he's paying is impacting on the two of you having the future you want.

I think if he left her to I'd understand the guilt of the but not the other way round.

I don't know enough about the mortgage thing, i have no idea if he could have 2 or even want 2.

Yeah he doesn't want it to default but EW is pretty adamant this house being kept for the kids, dont want them to move and it would be too upsetting. He then agreed. Their decision.