DH messaging a lap dancer...

[User21016784]

I'm posting because to be honest, I'm 11 weeks pregnant and not sure if I'm overreacting. It certainly doesn't feel trivial to me.

DH went out a few weeks ago with some friends. I was in the hospital with heavy bleeding, but I told him to go as he was really looking forward to it, and he could come back if there was any bad news. It was just to football and stayed overnight, came back, said he had a really boring time blah blah blah. No details.

I went to use the iPad one morning because I'd left my phone upstairs, Facebook conversation had been left open. All perfectly innocent. I jokingly asked who she was, and he said just a girl he was chatting to about selling CAMERA EQUIPMENT giving DH's work I had no reason to doubt him. And who cares? He can have a female friend!

Saturday, again, went to use the iPad. Conversation open again. Transpires he's obviously talking to her about webcam work, asking her what she's wearing, that he would 'love to experience her again'.

I hit the roof, threw it at him, and asked him to decide if he wants an abortion or counselling which may have been an extreme reaction. And I feel awful saying it. We've been trying for years, had several loses and it hasn't been easy.

DH then explains he had a lap dance, again I'd have been fine with that, from the girl he was messaging. I explained I was pissed off with the lying and obvious attempt to see what she was wearing... a lap dance and that are completely different things to me. He was clearly trying to get her to 'cam' with him too.

Anyway he cried, said he never wanted to hurt me, he's nothing without me, me and the baby are his entire world, and I think all that made me listen was that he DIDNT want to be like his father.

DH had an awful upbringing. I won't go into it loads. His father and mother were physically and emotionally abusive, I don't know that half of it, but I know that along with constant rejection he was also made to share a room with both his parents while they had sex with strangers. He seems genuinely terrified of ending up like that, not that specifically, but being an awful parent. I don't think he's playing up on this part of his life though.

I comforted him a bit and sort of let it fizzle out. I let him know that he'd made me feel like shit, and I was thinking about it all.

This is the only time he's acted like this in six years. He's always been amazing. And I know we're both stressed, and I'm stressed and worried about another miscarriage and hormonal and constantly puking so I'm not sure if I'm overreacting slightly I just don't know what to do. I don't want to leave DH, he seems genuinely remorseful. He has no idea why he did it. And I love him and want to finally start out family together.

I'm sorry this is so long and numbered. I'm just so confused and don't even know where to begin in sorting this out in my head. It's just such a mess.

[FrogsLegs31]

The crying is so effective the first time you experience it with a cheating man isn't it?

You confront him and he starts crying! It throws you off balance completely. My first love turned on the waterworks when I confronted him about three years!! Of cheating... I had never seen anything like it, he had never shown such emotion so I foolishly thought omg he must be really sorry!

Crying is just what cheats do when they feel the pain of being trapped in their bullshit.

[nursy1]

Hula baby Yes lots of men do have lads nights out without a lap dance. But am just saying the OP doesn't think its the end of the world and neither would I. Would be cross if my hubby actually paid for one though, but probs forgive him an isolated incident.

[nursy1]

I am not saying that this is not a crisis in this relationship but I am genuinely amazed at the number of posters saying end it now. Marriages have problems. The first solution is not just to walk out. AIBU. ( think I'll have to start another thread)

[JigglyTuff]

He's lied endlessly to the OP nursy1. That's a man who doesn't respect his wife. Why would you want to continue the marriage?

[ShamefulDodger]

I think yabu.

There are problems in a matrriage that should be worked on, sure.

I, personally, don't think a relationship where this level of disrespect and selfishness has been shown will ever be a happy one.

No matter how many years it limps on.

[TeaQuiero]

Give them an inch, they'll take a mile.

You were 'ok' with him buying lap dances? 'OK' with a man who believes women are property to be bought? 'OK' with a man who would treat a woman that way?

No wonder he thought you'd probably be 'OK' with more.

He will never change. Decide now if you want to remain with a cheat who will put you and your children at risk while he shags sex workers - you, from STDs and the mental health burden of a cheating spouse, your children as they emulate this fine role model - or be stronger, and a better role model, alone.

[ZaziesPaws]

Sorry you're going through this.

Two deal breakers for me:

1. Not being in hospital with you
   
2. Lap dance. He's got a messed up view of women if he thinks this is ok.
   

He does sound like he needs some help. But that is a separate issue really.

[nursy1]

i have been married for over 30 years now. 4 kids and 2 DSC who lived with us. This thread touched a nerve because 7 years in to our previously happy and stable relationship my husband had an affair. it was a horrible time in our marriage. 2 or 3 years of anguish and regret, counselling etc etc. I would say it took best part of a decade to be able to think of it and discuss it without pain. Some similarities in situation to OP.
Now looking back I am sooo so glad I decided to stay. I had been a single parent previously and knew that was no pic nic.
Our DC are nearly all grown up and left the nest. We have grandchildren on the way and years of shared history, laughs and struggle. I still love my DH he still loves me. This Easter with our family around us has been fantastic - no issues with who the kids spend it with etc etc. This was something worth rebuilding for our family's sake.
If there had been such a thing as mums net at that time with opinions like this I would probably have left. You would have said he didn't care about me and had shown disrespect.
So OP you will know in your heart if your DP is genuine or if you have been in denial about other stuff. ( I have a feeling there will be other stuff to come out) If your relationship is basically as good as you say and this truly is an isolated incident then work it out if you can. Not an easy road but ultimately worth it.

[ShamefulDodger]

That's great for you nursy1 I'm glad it worked out.

But, lets face it, most of the time it doesn't.

And 'You would have said he didn't care about me and had shown disrespect.'

Yes. Yes I would. Even if you have forgiven I find it hard to believe that you'd think he was being respectful and caring while balls deep in another woman.

Also I don't know your situation but in the op's they might have been about to lose a baby.

He left her alone to potential deal with that, while he had a lovely time paying for a woman to let him see her vagina. (And most likely more, no lap dancer would give out real name and contact details on a whim)

This is also quite personal to me, not just experience if it myself. An old work mate of mine has forgiven her husbands affair.

He is still sleeping around, spending nights away and visiting strip clubs.

The only difference is she doesn't want to hear about it and now posts long messages on acebook talking about how strong and loved up they are now.

She's miserable, it's not an existence I'd choose.

[Fairenuff]

Why does paying for it make any difference?

If I went and waved my pussy in a strange man's face, I'm sure my dh would count that as cheating, regardless of money changing hands.

He certainly wouldn't see it as part of a 'lad's night out'. Why are women supposed to accept this as 'normal' behaviour?

[BuckinghamLass]

I know everyone else has said this but he was having a fucking LAPDANCE while you were bleeding heavily in hospital?!

I had scare during my pregnancy, you could not have prised DH away from my side.

Your expectations are rock bottom, I'm afraid. That is totally unacceptable.

[deadringer]

Nursy i am married 30 years too, mostly happily. I can see that you are trying to give a different perspective to the usual ltbs but, my dh has never had an affair, never had a lap dance even at a stag, he has been faithful to me all these years and to be honest i would expect and accept no less. People make mistakes and it sounds like your dh was truly remorseful and it all worked out for the best. The op has to work out if her dh is a good man who made a mistake, or a selfish, entitled dick. We have to set the bar somewhere, and i think a lot of women set it far too low.

[LittleMyLikesSnuffkin]

My ex treated me in a similar way. And yes he lied when I confronted him. I knew he was lying. I kept on and on. And... he cried. And cried. Of course he did they always bloody do. He certainly did. Then we "wiped the slate clean" on his say so. If I brought it up at all afterwards I was told to fuck off and stop making him feel bad. Even so I got over it. I did. Really honestly. Few years went by. Then he did it again. Old wounds opened up and it hurt more than ever. Got over that too. Years went by he did it again. Forgave again or at least became numb to it and finally did leave (unrelated to cheating related to horrific abuse) and... found out for that last year of our relationship he had done it again! I no longer care now. Good luck to her the silly cow

Guess what I'm saying is once he thinks he gets away with it he will keep doing it. And each time hurts more than the last. Of course it does. And they make sure to blame you in whatever way they can, they learn a few tricks as they go along. Because in his mind it he can get away with it. And also he'll have convinced himself it's at least partly your fault. I was tied to my ex by 2 kids, no financial independence and a severely battered self esteem and years and years of abuse that conditioned me to believe I could do no better.

[AnyFucker]

Nursy... .You lost a decade of your life to the selfish behaviour of a man

That may be ok for you but I don't think your persistence is really anything to be proud of nor should you be advocating it for other women

[LittleMyLikesSnuffkin]

^exactly what AF said. Please don't be encouraging other women to put up with this shit from their partners just because you chose to.

[CalmItKermitt]

Nursy - sorry but just because you're in denial about your DHs affair doesn't mean that everyone else should be a mug.

[SandyY2K]

I think the most difficult issue for me, would be the fact this happened while you were in hospital. Money exchanging hands would not be a concern... It's the timing that really matters.

Some women have no issue with strip clubs and lap dancers... That doesn't make them stupid or accepting.

We all have different boundaries in our relationships. Nursy, I see the perspective you're trying to offer here, and I'm an advocate of marriage, but I struggle with how he knew his wife was pregnant, bleeding in hospital and yet could still focus on enjoying a lap dance.

I can't imagine being out on a hen night or GNO watching the chippendales, while my DH was in hospital.

[Fruitcocktail6]

He sounds like an awful and scummy partner, when I was in hospital bleeding (and miscarrying) DP would never have left me. Yours had a LAPDANCE. Why are you okay with a lapdance in the first place? Jesus Christ, he has no respect. I wouldn't forgive at all.

[SleepingTiger]

Life is too short to be one of many broodmares to a very dubious stallion.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

User784. 💐 I hope the relatives where you're staying are looking after you, the constant sickness is awful.

I, too, think you're minimising rather than over reacting - which is understandable when you're pregnant, hormonal, puking & vulnerable. It's much easier to be 'sort of ok' with it & shove it under the rug than actually deal with it 😕

Whether he stayed at the hospital or went to the footy is between you two. If my DH had already had this planned I'd encourage him to go because I hate being fussed over & find it easier to zone out & pass the time away if I'm left to my own devices - mostly MN!

However, no decent bloke then goes and gets a lap dance. His partner is in hospital & might lose their baby and he can relax enough to enjoy some other woman doing what they do. I know some lap dancers just dance, but the vast majority do and encourage a lot more and I mean a lot more.

A stripper at a party, even a strip club on a night out wouldn't overly bother me, but hell would freeze over before I accepted my DH getting a lap dance. It's FAR too personal & intimate. Then there's the contact afterwards and the lying. There's absolutely no way I'd tolerate that.

Crying, proclaiming he doesn't want to be like his father, having a dreadful upbringing...it's all just a sob story designed to keep you in line. If he was genuinely worried about those things, he'd had addressed them as soon as you got pregnant, if not before. It's a REASON to get help, it's NOT an excuse for his behaviour

I know it's easier to say when you're not in the middle of it and it's not your heart being broken, but I'd leave him. If you don't, you're in for a lifetime of this shit.

Depending on my age & how far along I was, I'd also seriously consider a termination. Not because I wouldn't happily parent alone, but because I wouldn't want to tie myself to him for life.

[TiredCluelessMummy]

Nursy you may be glad now, but what about the decade of heartbreak in the meantime? A whole decade is the price you paid. That is potentially over 10% of your life. 15 % maybe, assuming you live to old age. You could have been happy with someone else, or alone. You might equally be saying "I'm so glad I left, I'm so happy and look how lovely Easter has been with DH2 and family". But then I'm on the opposite side of the coin, where my parents dragged us through years of shit in their quest to keep their desperately unhappy marriage together without a thought for us as collateral damage. So I'm possibly a bit more ruthless in my outlook.

And I'm afraid that women who peddle the "it's to be expected on a lads' night" bullshit with regards to lapdances, strippers and the like are part of the problem. It's not to be expected. It's a disgrace that women are expected to put up with this in their relationships to be the "cool wife".

[Huskylover1]

It was obvs a lad do - who wouldn't expect lap dancers?

Men who are in love with their wives, generally don't seek out other women to gyrate naked on them.

Yes lots of men do have lads nights out without a lap dance. But am just saying the OP doesn't think its the end of the world and neither would I. Would be cross if my hubby actually paid for one though

Do you honestly think lap dances are free? That's so naive. And after all you've been through, you'd honestly be ok with your DH visiting a sex worker and paying her to straddle him naked, whilst she shows him her fanny and tits and this gives him a hard on? I think your bar is set way too low.

If your Daughter was lying in hospital, potentially losing her baby, and her husband was at a strip joint, what would you think of him?

And finally, would you ever consider visiting make strippers and another mans cock in your face, if your DH was laid up in hospital? If the answer to that is No, why make excuses for this guy?

[Sunny123456]

That's a very hard situation to be in

[SleepingTiger]

A stripper at a party, even a strip club on a night out wouldn't overly bother me, but hell would freeze over before I accepted my DH getting a lap dance

I do not see the distinction if I focus on the women. Though I understand what you are saying Annie.

[HelenaDove]

Your DH is disgusting OP.

Re. the crying...........the only reason these men do this is to manipulate and because they are scared of losing their cosy domestic set up.

In fact i wouldnt be surprised if its given out as advice on the ukpunting website as one of the things to do if caught out.

To turn on the crocodile tears. Ive not been on that sick website (i wouldnt sully my search history with it) but id bet my Easter chocolates that this advice is on there.

OP