DH messaging a lap dancer...

[User21016784]

I'm posting because to be honest, I'm 11 weeks pregnant and not sure if I'm overreacting. It certainly doesn't feel trivial to me.

DH went out a few weeks ago with some friends. I was in the hospital with heavy bleeding, but I told him to go as he was really looking forward to it, and he could come back if there was any bad news. It was just to football and stayed overnight, came back, said he had a really boring time blah blah blah. No details.

I went to use the iPad one morning because I'd left my phone upstairs, Facebook conversation had been left open. All perfectly innocent. I jokingly asked who she was, and he said just a girl he was chatting to about selling CAMERA EQUIPMENT giving DH's work I had no reason to doubt him. And who cares? He can have a female friend!

Saturday, again, went to use the iPad. Conversation open again. Transpires he's obviously talking to her about webcam work, asking her what she's wearing, that he would 'love to experience her again'.

I hit the roof, threw it at him, and asked him to decide if he wants an abortion or counselling which may have been an extreme reaction. And I feel awful saying it. We've been trying for years, had several loses and it hasn't been easy.

DH then explains he had a lap dance, again I'd have been fine with that, from the girl he was messaging. I explained I was pissed off with the lying and obvious attempt to see what she was wearing... a lap dance and that are completely different things to me. He was clearly trying to get her to 'cam' with him too.

Anyway he cried, said he never wanted to hurt me, he's nothing without me, me and the baby are his entire world, and I think all that made me listen was that he DIDNT want to be like his father.

DH had an awful upbringing. I won't go into it loads. His father and mother were physically and emotionally abusive, I don't know that half of it, but I know that along with constant rejection he was also made to share a room with both his parents while they had sex with strangers. He seems genuinely terrified of ending up like that, not that specifically, but being an awful parent. I don't think he's playing up on this part of his life though.

I comforted him a bit and sort of let it fizzle out. I let him know that he'd made me feel like shit, and I was thinking about it all.

This is the only time he's acted like this in six years. He's always been amazing. And I know we're both stressed, and I'm stressed and worried about another miscarriage and hormonal and constantly puking so I'm not sure if I'm overreacting slightly I just don't know what to do. I don't want to leave DH, he seems genuinely remorseful. He has no idea why he did it. And I love him and want to finally start out family together.

I'm sorry this is so long and numbered. I'm just so confused and don't even know where to begin in sorting this out in my head. It's just such a mess.

[Penfold007]

Your not overreacting, this won't be the first time he's done it and more will be involved, it's just the first time you've caught him out. So far he's cried and you've cuddled him so he thinks he's got away with it.
Only continue with the pregnancy if it's what you want and you are prepared to single parent.

[HmmOkay]

Okay, so:

1. You were in the hospital with heavy bleeding and he went straight out and had a lapdance from this woman while you were still in hospital.

1. He then got her details and started messaging her.

1. He lied to you when you found out and said he was selling camera equipment.

1. He then happily carried on messaging her, asking what she was wearing and telling her he couldn't wait to experience her again.

1. He carried on until you found out. Note that you found out - he didn't confess.

All his went on for weeks.

So really his upset and devastation has come from you finding out his lies. He was pretty happy for weeks before you found out. Be sure in your mind about that.

I personally could never get over even point 1. It demonstrates a staggering lack of respect and concern for you and your child.

[MakeItRain]

He's devastated because he was found out. He wasn't devastated before that was he. It's very, very tough (understatement) living with a man like this. He's prepared to lie about it too, so your trust is gone.
It's also easy to convince yourself you "won't put up with it" because of the words you say. But by your actions you put up with it, by comforting him and staying with him. So in his mind it's not a deal breaker for you.
I wouldn't put much store by his words either. You weren't his "entire world" when he was having his lap dance and then messaging her.

Maybe you should leave for a while and insist he gets counselling. Then you'd show him by your actions that you won't accept it. Don't feel sorry for him. He had a tough upbringing but he's an adult now, making adult choices that affect other people.

Knowing how tough it will be for you to leave though, my main advice to you wold be from a financial perspective. Create a secret savings account for yourself and start paying into it. That way if you ever did get to the point where you wanted to leave, you'll have the means to. That's the most practical advice I would wish I could have told myself in the past - become as financially independent as you can so that if things don't work out you have choices. Of course I'd also be saying not to stay with a weak, unfaithful man, but I know I wouldn't have listened to that advice.

[ElspethFlashman]

You have a history of miscarriages, you're having heavy bleeding......and where is he?

By your side holding your hand in case the worst happens as it has happened before?

Nah, he's getting grinded on with a big shit eating grin on his face.

[alicemalice]

So he gets away with murder basically and gets comforted.

I think he knows exactly how to manipulate the situation.

[floraeasy]

It's amazing you have ended up comforting him! You sound too nice for your own good and he sounds like a major manipulator. Yeah, it's sad he had a bad childhood, but that cannot be allowed to excuse the decisions he is making now.

I had an abusive first marriage. My ex had a horrible childhood, but the day came when I realised that I could not rewrite his childhood for him and staying to be abused wasn't helping him and it certainly wasn't helping me. He refused to get professional help and so I ended it.

I am so sorry you are going through this and pregnant too!

[User21016784]

Thank you all for your replies. I'm sorry if I keep dipping in and out, like I said earlier, I'm pretty much constantly puking

[TondelayaDellaVentamiglia]

I seriously doubt this is the first time he has gone "off piste" with another woman.

It's just the first time you caught him.

You need to be sure he understands what a deal breaker this is, not just patting the Poor Soldier on the head cos his parent were shockingly bad at parenting and he doesn't know any better.

[magoria]

How did he get her details?

Do lap dancers really just hang them out to random punters?

[floraeasy]

Take care of yourself User you should be getting comfort and being cherished by your partner right now. I am so angry on your behalf

[ImperialBlether]

One thing, OP - they nearly all cry. Honestly, they do. It doesn't mean anything.

[notapizzaeater]

He went yo see a lap dancer whilst you where in hospital, I don't think I'd be able to get past this, yet alone the continued contact.

He's upset because he's been found out not because he feels guilty ....

[dowhatnow]

A. He shouldn't have done it and B. If he felt true remorse he wouldn't have pursued it.
He didn't have a problem carrying on with it until you actually caught him.

[Fairenuff]

He cheated on you.

Come on, OP, open your eyes.

[Cantwait2017]

I thought that magoria. Why/how did he have her details?

[Funnyonion17]

DH then explains he had a lap dance, again I'd have been fine with that, from the girl he was messaging. I explained I was pissed off with the lying and obvious attempt to see what she was wearing... a lap dance and that are completely different things to me. He was clearly trying to get her to 'cam' with him too.*

Your not over reacting, your under reacting. The lap dance would have been a deal breaker for me. But a lap dance whilst your hospitalised, followed on by tracking down the woman and requesting extras over social media?! I'm at a loss for words. I doubt this is a first.

[HalfShellHero]

Totally underreacting op sorry your in hospital and he fucks off for a lapdance? That would be the end for me OP. Please raise the bar his upbringing is no excuse. X

[NotMyPenguin]

Having had a child with a quite unsuitable person, I would definitely say that you need to consider that a child ties you together FOR LIFE. And also that your child will always have to live with that person as their father.

If you have an inkling at this stage that there may be something badly wrong (and his behaviour sounds terrible) then do seriously consider whether to continue with the pregnancy.

Even if you separate, having a child together will link you for life. Unless you are independently wealthy, then this unreliable man who has so far put himself first and you and your child last is the same person you will potentially need to depend on for child maintenance (which frankly is tiny and will not cover much of the real cost of raising a child even if he pays it gladly, which many men don't unfortunately) and to be a good father and role model to a child. :-/

I'm not usually so blunt but being a single parent has made me starkly aware of some of the tough implications of having a child with somebody.

[QuiteLikely5]

Sadly you are on the road to nowhere with this man.

He has shown you the type of man he is and you need to decide if you want to turn a blind eye to it.

Counselling will not change what he did. You could have been losing the baby. Believe me if you stay with him your resentment will soon eat away at you.

The trust has also been lost.

With an upbringing like his - he will have more flaws than you know. Yes he tells you how brilliant you are - any man should do that - he isn't special just because he loves you!!

Stop feeling sorry for him, you can't fix him, he is dysfunctional- I would not have a child with this man.

Children are a gift, that imo should be given the best start in life and for me that includes two great parents who prioritise the importance of their relationship whilst bearing in mind the benefits of that for their future children.

Yes this an idealistic way of thinking about it but things should be right at the outset at least.

[FritzDonovan]

Pp have said it much more eloquently than I could, but just wanted to add the weight of my agreement -yes, they cry when found out, purely out of worry at being busted I imagine. If they were that devastated with the shitty behaviour they had plenty of chances not to continue, bit didn't because they enjoyed it and you didn't know.
Now you do know. Please stay as independent as possible with all aspects of your life (career/financial etc), don't give up anything in order to help his life/career at the expense of yours. This will be important later when he slips up again. You will have the self respect and means to leave when you want. (That's the advice I'll be giving my dd when she's old enough!)

[floraeasy]

Also, he must be spending plenty money on these activities. A good man would be financially responsible especially with a baby on the way.

[ChickenVindaloo2]

I know a girl who does lap dances. They do NOT hand out their numbers or real names to punters. There are very strict boundaries.

I think he has been shagging prostitutes.

Sorry OP.

[nursy1]

My advice is, don't turn this drama into a crisis - yet. You say you have had a good and close relationship previously and this has not happened before. You are at a relatives house. Not the time to be escalating it really is it?
It was obvs a lad do - who wouldn't expect lap dancers? His actions subsequently though were awful.
Is this the furthest you have got in a pregnancy OP? Thing is, having a child throws up all sorts of past thoughts about parenting, especially for people who have had a bad childhood. You need deep discussions and probably counselling.

[Ladyformation]

I think it's grim to get a lap dance but it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.

A lap dance whilst you're in hospital, pregnant with his child, is fucking disgusting and I'd be furious with him.

The rest of it is straight up unacceptable as he obviously knew because he lied to you about it. The lying is the worst thing as far as I'm concerned.

In all honesty, I could probably get through it all - especially after 6 years and with a baby on the way. But he would need to be genuinely repentant, making it up to me in every way, and recognising what damage he had done. I would also be absolutely supportive of a friend in this situation who dumped and never looked back.

Your first priority needs to be looking after yourself. He needs to feel the pain of what he's done or he won't modify his future behaviour.

[TheJiminyConjecture]

I'd be wondering if she was actually a lap dancer at all. I knew a couple of dancers when I was at uni. None of them used their real name, precisely to stop the punters from tracking them down in real life. Are you sure he's not seen a cam girl or sex worker and just called her a dancer as you would be OK with it? Either that or a none paid for ons with someone he met that weekend? But that doesn't explain the message about experiencing her again.

Horrible situation for you. Take all the time you need