DH messaging a lap dancer...

[User21016784]

I'm posting because to be honest, I'm 11 weeks pregnant and not sure if I'm overreacting. It certainly doesn't feel trivial to me.

DH went out a few weeks ago with some friends. I was in the hospital with heavy bleeding, but I told him to go as he was really looking forward to it, and he could come back if there was any bad news. It was just to football and stayed overnight, came back, said he had a really boring time blah blah blah. No details.

I went to use the iPad one morning because I'd left my phone upstairs, Facebook conversation had been left open. All perfectly innocent. I jokingly asked who she was, and he said just a girl he was chatting to about selling CAMERA EQUIPMENT giving DH's work I had no reason to doubt him. And who cares? He can have a female friend!

Saturday, again, went to use the iPad. Conversation open again. Transpires he's obviously talking to her about webcam work, asking her what she's wearing, that he would 'love to experience her again'.

I hit the roof, threw it at him, and asked him to decide if he wants an abortion or counselling which may have been an extreme reaction. And I feel awful saying it. We've been trying for years, had several loses and it hasn't been easy.

DH then explains he had a lap dance, again I'd have been fine with that, from the girl he was messaging. I explained I was pissed off with the lying and obvious attempt to see what she was wearing... a lap dance and that are completely different things to me. He was clearly trying to get her to 'cam' with him too.

Anyway he cried, said he never wanted to hurt me, he's nothing without me, me and the baby are his entire world, and I think all that made me listen was that he DIDNT want to be like his father.

DH had an awful upbringing. I won't go into it loads. His father and mother were physically and emotionally abusive, I don't know that half of it, but I know that along with constant rejection he was also made to share a room with both his parents while they had sex with strangers. He seems genuinely terrified of ending up like that, not that specifically, but being an awful parent. I don't think he's playing up on this part of his life though.

I comforted him a bit and sort of let it fizzle out. I let him know that he'd made me feel like shit, and I was thinking about it all.

This is the only time he's acted like this in six years. He's always been amazing. And I know we're both stressed, and I'm stressed and worried about another miscarriage and hormonal and constantly puking so I'm not sure if I'm overreacting slightly I just don't know what to do. I don't want to leave DH, he seems genuinely remorseful. He has no idea why he did it. And I love him and want to finally start out family together.

I'm sorry this is so long and numbered. I'm just so confused and don't even know where to begin in sorting this out in my head. It's just such a mess.

[Sunny123456]

I'm getting more and more angry on your behalf reading this. What a waste of space he is. He knows he's put you in an impossible position. Start distancing yourself from him with a view to leaving when you're strong enough. 'Experiencing' does sound like language he's use if it was a prostitute unfortunately. Check on your health for your own sake and your baby.

[StrangeAndUnusual]

Sorry about this OP. I think he has shown you who he is, and you will regret it if you close your eyes to it. A man who has a lap dance while the mother of his unborn child is in hospital with heavy bleeding is not worth anyone's time. He won't change, and it doesn't make a difference whether or not his upbringing has contributed to how he is now - he is making his choices, and you don't need to be ruled by them.

[Introvertedbuthappy]

This is awful OP, he is not a good man. A good man wouldn't leave you bleeding to go off and have a good time. My DH last year missed a one off UK event he had booked in a different city with friends as our baby was sick and he felt he cou

[Introvertedbuthappy]

Sorry, posted too soon...
Couldn't enjoy it knowing his son was ill. I even tried begging him to go, he had so been looking forward to it but he refused point blank and instead of going to see a show that won't be back in the UK for years he spent the night rocking a pukey baby. He wasn't bitter or resentful, just kept saying that this is what being a parent is, you have to take the rough with the smooth...
Anyway, it's obvious that he's only devastated he got caught. If it was by himself at doing it he wouldn't have written off the night as 'boring' but would have been weeping and devastated - looking for counciling and begging your forgiveness. He certainly wouldn't be messaging for more and only acting upset when caught. Because, let's face it, he was enjoying it and asked for a repeat performance FFS!

Please don't let him blame his upbringing. The things my DH went through were horrendous. He has used that as a basis to be the best parent possible, not excuse lap dances.

[thethoughtfox]

You were potentially losing your much longed for baby. He saw this as a golden opportunity to look for sexual thrills elsewhere, because you were bleeding and crying so much that you weren't there to get in the way of doing this.

[thethoughtfox]

Actually, on reflection, I will add my voice to those saying this was probably an escort. Lapdancers don't give out details to customers. There are strict rules. The only ones who do offer prostitution services on the side. Talking about 'experiencing her again'? He may have slept with a prostitute.

[PaulDacresFeministConscience]

Can someone please explain to me how a man can claim that his pregnant wife is "his world", when he was off getting a lap-dance at the exact time when his wife was in hospital bleeding heavily and under threat of a miscarriage? I must be thick because I really don't get it myself.

[AnyFucker]

Some women will swallow any old shit I am afraid.

[gillybeanz]

My dh had a terrible upbringing, so bad it wouldn't be allowed today.
He used that as an excuse to be the best dad and husband he could be.
Strangely enough that didn't involve visiting lap dancers and carrying on with an online affair.
If you stay with him you accept whatever shitty behaviour he decides to throw at you and any children you may have

I'm sorry you are going through this, but surely you can see enough is enough now.

[nursy1]

Right. I am genuinely trying to offer a different perspective here. I take all your points about this, it was a shitty thing to do. Maybe I am naive but I wasn't aware from the OP that he would have paid for the lap dance. However read what she is saying. This is something that has not happened before. The relationship, she feels, is strong. He has some issues about parenting.
In your rush to tell her to dump him is there not a chance she might be losing something which could be valuable?
BTW I didn't say I had 10 years of anguish. I'd say it was a couple of years of counselling and talking it out, setting it in perspective. Then for Up to 10 years after we didn't talk about it at all - everything had been said and neither of us wanted to go there. I'd say he felt more pain about it than I did at that point Now we discuss it, with mutual regret - it happened but it's long in the past and doesn't hurt anymore.

[Princesspinkgirl]

It's not ok for your other half to get a lap dance its not ok for him to msg her your not over reacting op
Your pregnant if i was you id leave him

[ShamefulDodger]

Generally, naked women and n clubs don't rub themselves on be-trousered cocks for free.

Ironically, when they doubt for free it's considered even by the cool wife club as cheating

nurse your perspective is your own of course and valid to you.

But are you seriously saying, from you pov, a husband who leaves you alone in a hospital bleeding and possibly losing your baby, to go rub his penis on another woman for kicks (and that is the best scenario) might be worth keeping?

Jesus, no woman should have standards that low.

Quick question: If your other half was in hospital, lets say with your poorly baby. What would your first thought be?

A 'I'm so worried, they need me. I'm going to stay, in case I can be if any help/support'

B 'Hmm a free night. Yay! I can get my rocks off with a stranger! Highly private parts would ve so fun to watch right now.'

We know which op's Dh thought don't we?

[AnyFucker]

Nursy...who the hell told you that lap dances are free ?

How do you think the sex industry works ?

[Christinayangstwistedsista]

Nursy
Do you think lap dancing g is some kind of voluntary work?

[timeisnotaline]

Nursy, the one-off element (if you believe it - the op desperately wants to believe the best of her dh) does count, unless it's a bloody incredibly huge can't-ever-get-over-it one off. The op was in the hospital bleeding heavily thinking she might be losing their much longed for baby. End of story. Its like not turning up to your own wedding - most people are to upset to say ok dear I get you're sorry, I still love you, because it's a hell of a big deal!

[BuckinghamLass]

LOL at the idea that this boils down to whether the lapdance was free or not!

Some people expect so little of men, how fucking depressing.

[AnyFucker]

I think nursy must think lap dancing is some kind of charity activity to help men out whose balls might explode if they don't get to look at women's genitals

[ChangelingToday]

Just to say to the OP it might be a good idea to have a sti test just in case there was closer physical contact than he's saying. Someone will correct me if I'm wrong but I do think some sti's can be harmful to unborn babies.
Hope you're feeling ok x

[BerlinerBelle]

Oh love - I'm sorry. Your DH is not a good man. He is not kind. He is crying because he is sorry he got caught.

I wonder why you expect so little from the man in your life. He went out with friends whilst you were in the hospital bleeding??? And then he got a lap dance??? And then he keeps messaging the girl??? In what sort of universe is any of that OK?

Do you not think for one minute that you deserve a man who sits with you in the hospital, holds your hand, gets you cups of tea? Who sleeps in the chair next to your bed? Who is thinking of nothing other than whether you will be OK? How did it get to this, that you are caring for him, when he has lied, cheated and humiliated you when you needed love and care?

[Christinayangstwistedsista]

I can't get over the fact that he went on the night out

I'm sorry OP, he has really wasted what should have been a very happy time for you

His behaviour his unforgivable

[Starlighter]

What the hell have I just read?!

I can't believe he left you in hospital alone while you could've been losing the baby. That, just that alone would make me question the relationship.

Then he went out and got a lap dance! Then he messaged her several times and wanted to see footage of her!

I'd end the relationship. Without a doubt. Maybe one of these as an isolated incident would be salvageable but when you put all three together... it's shocking OP, it really is.

[Christinayangstwistedsista]

AF is away printing t shirts for her new charity

[SandyY2K]

Why is money becoming the focus here? That's irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.

That the OP is pregnant, in hospital and bleeding is and he went out is the main issue and that he was getting a lap dance adds insult to injury.

It wouldn't matter whether it's free or not, he wasn't where a decent expectant father and caring loving husband should have been at the time.

He was so looking forward to the outing, he didn't care about his wife and unborn child. He knew you were in hospital, but not only got a lapdance, he got her contact details as well.

What exactly was he thinking while that was going on?