DH messaging a lap dancer...

[User21016784]

I'm posting because to be honest, I'm 11 weeks pregnant and not sure if I'm overreacting. It certainly doesn't feel trivial to me.

DH went out a few weeks ago with some friends. I was in the hospital with heavy bleeding, but I told him to go as he was really looking forward to it, and he could come back if there was any bad news. It was just to football and stayed overnight, came back, said he had a really boring time blah blah blah. No details.

I went to use the iPad one morning because I'd left my phone upstairs, Facebook conversation had been left open. All perfectly innocent. I jokingly asked who she was, and he said just a girl he was chatting to about selling CAMERA EQUIPMENT giving DH's work I had no reason to doubt him. And who cares? He can have a female friend!

Saturday, again, went to use the iPad. Conversation open again. Transpires he's obviously talking to her about webcam work, asking her what she's wearing, that he would 'love to experience her again'.

I hit the roof, threw it at him, and asked him to decide if he wants an abortion or counselling which may have been an extreme reaction. And I feel awful saying it. We've been trying for years, had several loses and it hasn't been easy.

DH then explains he had a lap dance, again I'd have been fine with that, from the girl he was messaging. I explained I was pissed off with the lying and obvious attempt to see what she was wearing... a lap dance and that are completely different things to me. He was clearly trying to get her to 'cam' with him too.

Anyway he cried, said he never wanted to hurt me, he's nothing without me, me and the baby are his entire world, and I think all that made me listen was that he DIDNT want to be like his father.

DH had an awful upbringing. I won't go into it loads. His father and mother were physically and emotionally abusive, I don't know that half of it, but I know that along with constant rejection he was also made to share a room with both his parents while they had sex with strangers. He seems genuinely terrified of ending up like that, not that specifically, but being an awful parent. I don't think he's playing up on this part of his life though.

I comforted him a bit and sort of let it fizzle out. I let him know that he'd made me feel like shit, and I was thinking about it all.

This is the only time he's acted like this in six years. He's always been amazing. And I know we're both stressed, and I'm stressed and worried about another miscarriage and hormonal and constantly puking so I'm not sure if I'm overreacting slightly I just don't know what to do. I don't want to leave DH, he seems genuinely remorseful. He has no idea why he did it. And I love him and want to finally start out family together.

I'm sorry this is so long and numbered. I'm just so confused and don't even know where to begin in sorting this out in my head. It's just such a mess.

[annielouise]

I'd have to finish it too. I've no idea how women think they have to accept their husband/boyfriend having a lapdance. What's with the trying to be cool girlfriend/wife? Not acceptable. Really seedy.

[merville]

With no intention of hurting your feelings or offending you - I think you yourself need to have some counselling or similar if you're ok with your partner having lap-dances while on football trips (or whatever) while you're in hospital bleeding while pregnant.

Lapdances often involve way more contact than many women realise - boobs in face, major grinding on their d*ck through clothing to stimulate them, with the intention they finish themselves off (or even finish then and there).

Also lap-dancers vary a great deal in terms of what 'services' they offer inside and outside of clubs; but yes, it's possible this one's not even a lap-dancer and more of a prostitute/escort.

Also - 'terrible childhood' is the oldest most worn out line in the book men use to get away with shitty, shitty behaviour.

As Lundy Bancroft pointed out; if you knew so well what it was like to be victimised, down, abused, disrespected, mistreated, sad, stressed etc. - why would yo want anyone, let alone someone you love to feel that way?

It's the oldest - "feel sorry for me, give me sympathy, poor me, it's not my fault, don;t concentrate on what I've done to you - only what's been done to me" etc. manipulation in the book to get off the hook and make you put up with the wrongs they're doing.

[user1482079332]

Nothing I can add that others haven't said but hope your ok as can be op

[happypoobum]

I am so sorry OP but your DH is a disgusting pig. I can't believe he went out whilst you were in that state. Not only went out, but got his jollies with a sex worker.

He says it's his first time but he's gone straight from that to webcamming her..............

I think you are in danger of under rather than over reacting, but of course I appreciate you are in a vulnerable situation.

Given your past story, I would keep the baby. I would terminate my marriage.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

Sorry OP, but DH is a dirty cunt.

While you were in hospital, in pain and bleeding, did he think, "Hmmmm I should stay."

While getting a lap dance, did he think, "No, this is wrong. I'm going home."

While message this woman, did he think," No, this is right."

When he lied to you, did he think, "I was wrong, she deserved the truth."

When you caught him out, did he think, "Fuck, better cry and she'll fall for it, like it idiot."

The last one is the only one he was thinking. He had plenty of chances to think about what he was doing but no, he choose to cry like stupid snivelling little boy and you fell for it.

[Hairq]

You say he's never done anything like this before, but you would never have known he'd done it this time if he hadn't left the Facebook chat open by mistake. He could have been doing it regularly the whole time

[Mom2K]

This relationship is dead. There's more where that came from and it will bite you down the road should you choose to overlook this. Despicable way for him to behave. I really don't know why you are ok with any part of it. I find the lap dancing alone deplorable (and completely nasty given that you were in the hospital possibly having a complication with the baby), but to take her number and further engage? No. Just no. He is selfish and untrustworthy and it would be foolish to believe anything he says.

[DoorwayToNorway]

Lap dance my arse. Lap dancers don't give out their Facebooks.

Get yourself and your baby away for now. Concentrate on you. There are many ways to work through this if you want to and if you can. But it sounds like he needs a massive wake up call about what is important in his life. We all have crosses to bear, but he's using his as an excuse for being a cheating shit

[Beelzebop]

Hello OP, how awful! I have to say you're very calm which is good. I think you are underreacting, he went out while you may be losing your baby, he had a lap dance, contact, etc!

I understand the effects of a grim life tbh, but it's still an awful thing to do. I hope you are able to really talk to him.

His behaviour is horrendous! Xxx

[Beelzebop]

Hello OP, how awful! I have to say you're very calm which is good. I think you are underreacting, he went out while you may be losing your baby, he had a lap dance, contact, etc!

I understand the effects of a grim life tbh, but it's still an awful thing to do. I hope you are able to really talk to him.

His behaviour is horrendous! Xxx

[LucieLucie]

Sorry op but I think he's had an 'encounter' with a prostitute.
He said he'd like to 'experience' her again.
There's NO WAY a lap dancer would give out her details.

Look up punternet and similar awful sites. Guys plan these nights away and know exactly where to go for sex before they go.

I'm sorry you are going through such an awful time.

[SaorAlbaGuBrath]

Oh OP I could have cried reading that. He left you, in hospital, pregnant and bleeding heavily to go and get a lap dance (even just going out is bad enough in that situation) and then manipulated you enough to get you comfort him? You are worth so very much more.

[TDHManchester]

But lap dancers are just like models arent they? They arent prostitutes are they? As a male, i am aware of lapdancers and clubs in which they cavort but to be honest ,it isnt something that really appeals and it isnt something i would go to see/experience. I'm either with a woman or i am not. I am in a relationship or i am not. I believe some lapdancers offer extras though..

[Tiredemma]

I had a pretty shit childhood. My dp had an ever shitter childhood.

Neither of us have ever used this as an excuse to be a dickhead.

Echo the same as others, he is crying because he has been caught. The grubby little shit.

[OverthinkingSpartacus]

The very fact that he didn't cancel his plans to be there and support you makes him a cunt, I'd feel that way if his plans were train spotting, golf, whatever. The rest just takes it to a different level.

The money would be an issue for me as it would add another layer of cuntishness to the heap he'd already created with his own selfish choices.

Sexual activity with another woman is a total deal breaker for me but I'd be even more repulsed that he'd purchased the consent for that sexual activity.

I know OP told him to go out as he'd been looking forward his night out (wonder why!) but if he really felt that his wife and unborn child who he was potentially losing was the centre of is world, he wouldn't have left that hospital, if OP absolutely insisted she wanted to be alone, he'd be at home nervously looking at the phone. He didn't do that, he chose to pay a woman to consent to sexually pleasing him instead.

From OPs posts he didn't seem any different until she found out, a truly devastated man who'd made a one off mistake would be acting differently, he'd be making sure he never did it again, but again, he didn't do that and instead he chose to pursue her for a repeat.

He cried because he got caught. He's devastated because he got caught. He can still be a good dad to his child if you split OP, but you don't have to be in a relationship with him if you can't forgive him.

I know the pp who forgave an affair was giving a different perspective but I couldn't spend 10 weeks to get to a point where talking of my husband fucking another woman didn't make me hurt and angry, never mind 10 years.

I'm very black and white though in that I think husbands who respect nd live their wives don't disrespect their wives and abuse their trust by choosing to have sex with another person, be it with a woman who want to or a woman he's bought consent from. Men know it would hurt their partners if they fucked another woman, the ones who don't care do it anyway and try to hide it , loving respectful husbands don't cheat, or end the marriage if they want sex with other women.

I hope someone is comforting you OP, because it's you who needs it here, it's you who should be priority

[Cricrichan]

Wtf?

Any man who goes out whilst their wife is in hospital is bad enough. But to get a lap dance whilst there's a danger of his wife miscarrying their child??

My ex came on to my friend whilst i was in hospital pregnant and also bleeding. He was a cheat and when we split i found lots of packets of Viagra. God knows what he was up to.

[LoveDeathPrizes]

I'm so sorry OP. I would leave.

It sounds like he's absorbed a fair few of his parents' issues.

Don't let your child do the same.

[nursy1]

User. Hope all is as well as it can be for you. In spite of different advice on here you will find your way through this. Big hugs xxxx

[badabing36]

Hope you're ok op.

[laurennnnnnnn]

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're going through such a rubbish time. I had the same situation a year and a half ago. Slightly different we had just started seeing each other about 8 months in, no baby etc but I can't tell you how devastated I was. I left him for a week but eventually took him back. I can't tell you it doesn't play on my mind because it does but just so you know, you're not alone in this. You sound so strong I imagine you can just forgive and forget but don't let this one go easy honey. Make sure you let him know he's a piece of crap for putting you through this!!! Xxxx

[Huskylover1]

I could actually cry at this post. My first husband cheated loads. It is so fucking soul destroying. And he is still doing it now, with his current partner. He is fucking 50 this year! Thank goodness I finally got out. Took me 4 years to pluck up the courage, as we'd been together since I was 17. My current DH could not be more different. Loyal and lovely. Please OP get out....take all the time you need...sit back and evaluate but be ready to go if you have to...stash away money...

[Huskylover1]

Nursy If your DH was laid up in hospital, with a really serious condition, would you stay by his side, or, get tarted up, hit a male strip joint and get strangers cocks wiped all over your face? If it's the former, STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR THIS FUCKING ARSE WIPE OF A MAN. He's not even a man, actually.

[Fairenuff]

If he was down the road in someone's living room with a naked woman, OP wouldn't even doubt for one minute that he was cheating on her.

But because he paid for it, some people will try and pressure her into believing that it was 'normal' and 'acceptable' behaviour.

Nonsense isn't it.

[Starlighter]

Hope you're ok, OP

[SandyY2K]

I hope you're not still throwing up OP.

I just read your opening post again.
It was just to football and stayed overnight, came back, said he had a really boring time blah blah blah

Are you sure he didn't have sex with her? Do you know exactly where he stayed that night? Can he prove where he stayed that night?

Be sure that you know exactly what you're forgiving.