DH messaging a lap dancer...

[User21016784]

I'm posting because to be honest, I'm 11 weeks pregnant and not sure if I'm overreacting. It certainly doesn't feel trivial to me.

DH went out a few weeks ago with some friends. I was in the hospital with heavy bleeding, but I told him to go as he was really looking forward to it, and he could come back if there was any bad news. It was just to football and stayed overnight, came back, said he had a really boring time blah blah blah. No details.

I went to use the iPad one morning because I'd left my phone upstairs, Facebook conversation had been left open. All perfectly innocent. I jokingly asked who she was, and he said just a girl he was chatting to about selling CAMERA EQUIPMENT giving DH's work I had no reason to doubt him. And who cares? He can have a female friend!

Saturday, again, went to use the iPad. Conversation open again. Transpires he's obviously talking to her about webcam work, asking her what she's wearing, that he would 'love to experience her again'.

I hit the roof, threw it at him, and asked him to decide if he wants an abortion or counselling which may have been an extreme reaction. And I feel awful saying it. We've been trying for years, had several loses and it hasn't been easy.

DH then explains he had a lap dance, again I'd have been fine with that, from the girl he was messaging. I explained I was pissed off with the lying and obvious attempt to see what she was wearing... a lap dance and that are completely different things to me. He was clearly trying to get her to 'cam' with him too.

Anyway he cried, said he never wanted to hurt me, he's nothing without me, me and the baby are his entire world, and I think all that made me listen was that he DIDNT want to be like his father.

DH had an awful upbringing. I won't go into it loads. His father and mother were physically and emotionally abusive, I don't know that half of it, but I know that along with constant rejection he was also made to share a room with both his parents while they had sex with strangers. He seems genuinely terrified of ending up like that, not that specifically, but being an awful parent. I don't think he's playing up on this part of his life though.

I comforted him a bit and sort of let it fizzle out. I let him know that he'd made me feel like shit, and I was thinking about it all.

This is the only time he's acted like this in six years. He's always been amazing. And I know we're both stressed, and I'm stressed and worried about another miscarriage and hormonal and constantly puking so I'm not sure if I'm overreacting slightly I just don't know what to do. I don't want to leave DH, he seems genuinely remorseful. He has no idea why he did it. And I love him and want to finally start out family together.

I'm sorry this is so long and numbered. I'm just so confused and don't even know where to begin in sorting this out in my head. It's just such a mess.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

I understand that you are expecting and looking to your future OP, but this man is a liar and a cheat. He wasn't there when you needed his support in hospital. He could have come clean, instead he carried on messaging her.
My guess is, that if you weren't having a baby, you'd be running for the hills. Sadly, I doubt he'll change.
IMPERIAL BLETHER, is right, they all cry ! 😢

[Fanciedachange17]

Rolls up sleeves...

Right my lovely OP;

Where the FUCK was he when you were lying alone in a hospital bed thinking you were about to lose a much wanted baby? Even if he'd been out knitting woolly hats and distributing them to orphans he should still have been BY YOUR SIDE, holding your hand and being there throughout the whole time. (I am SO angry).

Oh no, he was out spending at least £30 having a girl grind her fanny on him AND getting involved enough to take her private details for further contact! WTF? He's done a lot more than sit and grin.

You, my poor sweet darling, ignore the warning signs of a fb chat when he LIES to you the first time. You catch him again. He cries.

You won't listen. I appreciate that. It's easy for an internet stranger with no emotional involvement to say LTB. It is my advice and I really don't say it lightly or very often. You are lining up for so much future hurt.

I hope your pregnancy goes well. FWIW I was told by my midwife that the constant puking meant the baby was strong. Bleeding however is never a good sign.

You have so much on your plate but you are definitely under-reacting.

[Cantwait2017]

I think he said it was a lap dancer as he can maintain he never touched her and also he probably thinks you could forgive him for that but not someone he had sex with.

[Fairenuff]

It was obvs a lad do - who wouldn't expect lap dancers?

Eh?

So in your world nursy, having a naked (or near enough) woman present her vagina to your husband's face in exchange for your family's money whilst you're in hospital bleeding from your own vagina is normal is it?

Fucking hell.

[jemimarose]

Hi user, fwiw I went to counselling, initially on my own and I told her what my relationship had been like and she was completely shocked and said I had minimised his terrible behaviour. She really opened my eyes. STBXH had often said all his mates watched porn, went to strip clubs, had lap dancers and that I was the one overreacting. This is not true and he manipulated me for years.

Get your family around you and please let them look after you. I didn't tell my mum the extent of his behaviour until I went for the divorce, she was so furious. However during my two mc's there is no way even stbxh would have gone out with his mates - there really would be no coming back from that.

Hope the puking eases up, ginger biscuits worked for me.

[Adora10]

Sorry but that is awful, can only echo most replies; are you sure it was not an escort, I'm afraid this man is not trustworthy at all, why on earth did you comfort him; he's treated you appallingly; unless he has a consequence he will no doubt do it again.

[Catherinebee85]

I'm sorry, in struggled to get over the bit where you had the fear you could be losing your baby and he's off with the lads watching football.

You seem too forgiving and you're making excuses for him. If he can do this whilst you're pregnant it's only going to carry on when you've got a little baby.

You need to decode what you're going to tolerate but you deserve to be treated with love and respect. He is not doing either right now.

[timeisnotaline]

You need to ask him to leave at least for a little while, and if you get back together he needs to go to counselling. If he stops, it's over. One of the reasons he would be going is because you think it's important, so whether he thinks it's important doesn't matter. If you don't ask him to leave I think he'll think he's got clean awaywith it because he leaked a few tears. To be honest I would seriously be questioning the whole relationship - will he ever be there to support you? He certainly wasn't while you were having an extremely stressful experience even for women without a history of miscarriages. Also, there are two aspects - can he be a good husband and can he be a good father. You should tell him you are reconsidering both of these.

[Olddear]

Him: 'I'm devastated! I'm nothing without you! You and our baby are my world!!!!
You comfort him.
Him: 'phew!! That was a close shave....'

[Teddy6767]

I wouldn't stand for this sort of behaviour, regardless of his past or how sorry he appears to be.
Are you sure the woman isn't an escort? I knew a girl who was a stripper but also did escorting and cam work on the side for more money.
I think once the trust starts to die in a relationship then it's pretty much doomed as you'll always be wondering what the actual truth was, and whether he's going to be getting up to it again behind your back.
Only you know your partner though. And only you can determine whether it's worth fighting for. I know I'd have to walk away though as the paranoia would eat me up.
Really hope you're ok xxx

[surferjet]

Op.
Anyone who leaves evidence of their philandering lying around is hoping to get caught.
He wants out but wants you to do the leaving iyswim.
Do everyone a favour and leave him, trust me. he'll be relieved.

[CalmItKermitt]

You are very much underreacting.

TBH if my DH had any interest at all in being anywhere else but my my side if I were in hospital, I'd assume he didn't give a shit about me.

If I later found out he'd been getting a lap dance it would be game over.

Your husband is an arsehole.

[ShamefulDodger]

My Dh had an awful upbringing.

I have had multiple miscarriages while we were trying for our two dc.

I once said to him, after the third, that maybe I should just go in by myself as we didn't both need to be going though that every time.

He was very offended, and said wild horses and definitely not football and strippers wouldn't tear him away.

After all, it was our baby we were losing.

What would also really stand out to me in your position is...well, google the 'script'. Your chap is following it to the letter.

I've had the unfortunate pleasure of experiencing it myself with an ex.

1. You suspect - he lies.
   
   
2. You find out - he cries
   
   He said he was nothing without me, he was so stupid, there was no sex (lie) it was all because of a bad upbringing/precious trauma.
   
   It's a big pile of steaming bullshit.
   
   He might love you. But in his mind, it's still ok to leave you to kiscatty alone. And lie (and let's have it, a lot more) about women.
   
   Get out.

[MumBod]

Jesus Christ.

This man is an absolute bastard. A bastard.

Leave him now, while you're still angry. If you don't, you're going to have years of this ahead - having a young baby will make you very vulnerable and give him emotional leverage.

He will never, ever get any better. He's a scumbucket. Honestly.

You and your baby will be so much better off without him.

for you.

[TheTigerWhoCame2Tea]

OP for being in hospital, for previous miscarriages, for having this happen to dampen down the joy you must have been feeling at finally getting pregnant. My heart genuinely goes out to you. Your DH did a shit thing, first getting a lap dance whilst you were in hospital (and on the whole lap dances don't bother me, I don't think it's cheating, but whilst you're lying in hospital not knowing what's happening it's shit behaviour on his part) and second lying about it, trying to keep the communications open. It doesn't mean he's done it before or that he will do it again, right now all you need to focus on is that he did it now.

Go for couples counselling and get it all out. Even if it feels irrational because you're worried you're pregnant and hormonal. Even if you were (which in this case you're not) it's ok, you're carrying his baby. Being slightly irrational is no different to throwing up, it's a side effect of what's happening to your body. Have a third party there to help you with that conversation and if he is willing to sit and listen and work through it then you have a better chance I think.

I'm so sorry you're going through this

[yetmorecrap]

Lovely OP, my H has issues which mainly involve getting crushes on needy women we know when he is feeling 'unloved' what I can categorically state though is when I was in hospital with a miscarriage my h would have cancelled absolutely anything to be with me, any bloke who is suitable to be a father would, so whilst the lap dancing thing is awful, the fact he was not there for you at that moment is indicative of how life will play out with him, he will always come first, do yourself a big favour and get rid now, otherwise it's likely you will be back on here with a 4 year old devastated at similar things

[Guitargirl]

Just to add my voice to the others OP. You are so far from over-reacting. Whilst what he experienced as a child may have been awful, none of that excuses him behaving like an absolute bastard to you now. He has no respect for you at all. Where the hell does he get off thinking he can treat his partner like that?

Please expect more for yourself OP. It is really not asking too much of your partner to keep away from lap-dancers, prostitutes, anyone working in the sex industry while you are pregnant with a threatened miscarriage. FFS.

[Zoflorabore]

Agree with a pp that leaving the laptop open was asking to be caught out, unless he's very careless? If that's the case then I suspect this won't be the last of this situation.

I also think that a lap dancer would not give out her details to "customers" unless there was something financially to gain.

Op you need to speak to him again, I would not be ok with leaving it at this point with several issues unanswered.

I feel for anyone who has had a bad childhood, on certain levels it must change you as a person and affect your life in future years however- the fact that he was not with you at the hospital speaks absolute volumes of the husband and father he will be.

I know he can't turn back time and change that now but he should be doing everything in his power to convince you he is worthy of you, and your baby.
Best of luck

[shineon]

Lapcdancers dont give punters their number. Sounds more like an escort. Sorry op but I think you know this relationship is doomed.

[HerOtherHalf]

It was obvs a lad do - who wouldn't expect lap dancers?

I bloody wouldn't. It's cheap, seedy, objectifies women and the only tits and ass I want to see gyrating in front of me are my wife's. I've been in a lapdancing bar once. Got taken there by a workmate on a night out and didn't realise until we were inside. I thought it was sordid as fuck, told my mate I had no idea why he just assumed it was my kind of thing and insisted we moved on immediately. I think it's a shame it's become normalised, especially by many wives and girlfriends who've fallen for the nonsense that it's just laddish, harmless fun.

[nursy1]

Fairenuff. I didn't realise he had actually paid for a lap dance. Just thought they might be around on a lads do.
It wouldn't bother me that he went out ( OP says they had a discussion and she hold him to go) but the subsequent suff as I said - awful however the OP has been with him 6 years with this being the first incident she says. She is pregnant, he says he is sorry and she feels that is genuine. Given that information without reading anything else into it do all you posters really think the OP should just end it?
It's no picnic being a single parent. It could end up ok IMO.

[Hulababy]

Nursy - a huge number of men manage to go on lads night outs without the bed to pay for lap dancers or going into strip bars. I know many men who have never gone down that route.

[deadringer]

Reading your op the fact that you have been trying for a long time and had several losses is what got to me. How on earth could any decent man leave you bleeding in hospital under those circumstances while he went drinking, and then to cap it off he had a lap dance. The rest of the stuff just makes him sound worse and worse. Whatever his background he sounds like a selfish, entitled arsehole. In your shoes i would never forgive him and i would ltb but no one can tell you what you should do. Whatever his background or his issues they are his problems to sort out for himself, you need to put yourself and your baby first,. Please take care of yourself and do what will make you happy.

[badabing36]

Yes he had a terrible childhood. But he is an adult now and is responsible for his own actions.

He left you and your child in pain and scared. This man doesn't love you, the only person he cares about is himself.

I can understand why you would want to continue the pregnancy, considering how hard it has been for you. But there is a very real possibility that this man will end up like his father.

[SparklingRaspberry]

OP it really doesn't matter how much you insisted he went out that night, you were lying in a hospital bed bleeding! Any man with a fraction of a soul would've refused to have left your side

So not only did he then go out, he then got a lap dance! You do realise these aren't free, don't you? So he was paying for another woman to grind on him almost naked whilst you were lying in hospital...
I'm not trying to go into the whole debate of whether or not it's okay, I personally could handle him going to a strop club but to then go one step further and pay some other woman to do that is bad enough but to do it when you're possibly losing your child is just sick.

you say he was crying and remorseful when you confronted him - you also say he mentioned how he didn't wanna be like his father.

Funny how he was only crying and saying all that AFTER you'd found out.
Think of it realistically OP, if you hadn't of discovered the chat he would still be talking to her now and trying to get from her whatever it was he was originally after....

You and the baby wasn't his world when he was paying this woman for a private dance when you were in hospital.

I've also never known a lap dancer give out their contact details?? Are you sure she was a lap dancer and nothing else?