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Relationships

Help dealing with dw sexting

305 replies

Wellyboots86 · 12/04/2017 07:50

Hi everyone,

My dw and I have been together for nearly 16 years now, met as 15yo and neither of us had any real relationships prior to meeting up (nothing longer than a year). We are the same age.

Like all couples we've had ups and downs over the years, for me the worst bit was a one night stand she had at uni aged 18/19 which I forgave long ago. Only bring this up as what I'm about to discuss has brought the memory back.

We have 2 ds and had a difficult time with #2 being 5 weeks early and subsequent health issue for him (all better now). In hindsight I think we both went through a period of depression over this. Like a lot of couples, sex disappeared after having #2 (until recently only 1 "fooling around" session in about 6m) and some of this is down to juggling young family, work and basically being too tired to do anything by the time ds x2 are asleep.

We've both said recently about needing to make a bit more effort towards each other sexually as we take each other for granted in that way, 15 yrs together and sex is still important to us but not essential.

So backstory over, here's my dilemma....

Shortly after talking about making more effort with each other, dw and I slept together for the first time in ages and it was amazing, felt really connected to her again and both very happy.

Then the next day I was using her phone to check Facebook (I don't have an account and we've shared hers for years) when I noticed an app I've never seen before in a folder with random stuff she never uses. Opened it and it was a chat room app where she had been talking dirty to a few guys! I only had a few seconds to take it in as she came back into the room so I closed it again and said nothing as wanted to wait for her to be in the bathroom etc to have a better look. She was on her phone a lot that night which is unusual as she normally uses iPad and I guess subconsciously this is what made me use phone not iPad for checking Facebook. When it came to bedtime I tried to take up some stuff for her as usual, including phone and she made excuse to keep it. When she came up and went to bathroom I checked again and she'd deleted app but I found a few topless pics in her deleted folder of photo album. Confronted her about it and she said that it had only been going on a few days, she planned on stopping anyway, was bored when I'm at work during the weekend (and joked she was fed up of watching peppa pig) and apologised. I went to sleep downstairs and she sent a lovely text saying how bad she felt and begging forgiveness.

Next couple of days were a bit awkward as we discussed it a few times but agreed to move on and things felt a lot better, we seemed closer and both genuinely in a better headspace. I had said that I can move on as long as it stops.

Then on Friday when she was in the shower after we'd been intimate again, I got a burst of paranoia and checked phone to find she had searched for the app again (nothing on phone and I know it was a new search as I'd put Spotify on phone that morning for her). Said nothing, went to sleep having closed App Store. In the morning (after I'd been up a few hours with eldest ds) she came downstairs as I needed to go to work and I checked phone again, she'd obviously been back on again whilst I was downstairs! Again said nothing as we were in really good place (apart from me inside).

Sunday after work I asked her if there was anything to tell me and she said no, told her I knew she was still going online and she admitted that she was and found it a confidence boost (she has always been conscious about weight) as well as just chatting normally (not just sexy talk) as we don't have any close friends and sometimes when I'm working she feels isolated from the world.

I told her that I could understand (genuinely can) and said what hurt more was her hiding it still by waiting for me to go to work and then deleting app. I said that if it was helping her confidence, helping us be more intimate and helping her be happier then I could forgive and as long as she just left app on phone rather than sneaking around, I'd overlook it. Asked her to stick to chat not pics though and she agreed to just Facebook type pics not sexual.

It's now Wednesday morning and I know that she has been on several times a day since Sunday (I've checked a few times despite her keeping phone close to her). I've read a lot of the chat and it is a mix of normal talk like movies etc but there are a few guys where the dirty talk is pretty full on and (worse imo) she has been sneaking off a few times to take more pics (which I've seen - not as raunchy but still one topless one).

My real issue is this - it is obviously making her happy and has helped improve things in both our day to day relationship as well as massively sparking our sex life. I have zero worries ATM about her doing anything physical as she is telling people she's got a partner and lives 50 odd miles away from where we actually live. I don't want to keep confronting her as she'll know I'm looking and hide things again and also I genuinely want her to be happy. She is a teacher and as it's half term now I think she will "calm down a bit" once back at work as won't have as much free time.

The question is, am I doing the right thing by letting her have some "harmless" fun online as it is clearly helping her (and us) reconnect after a hard year? I don't want to drive a wedge between us again and admittedly it is a bit of a turn on sometimes but the sneaking off to take pics as well as her being up late at night sexting (when she gets up for the loo) is still bothering me a lot. Also, it's only been going on for just over a week so am I just being over sensitive/justifiably so still as it's so fresh and need to give it until she's back at work to properly assess the extent of the problem?

Sorry for the ramble!

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LoveDeathPrizes · 13/04/2017 00:07

She may well be telling the truth, but there's no doubt she has little respect for you or the exclusivity of your marriage. And that's such a dangerous view to hold.

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noitsnotme · 13/04/2017 00:09

She already slept with someone else though, right? She's played the good wife, but deep down she's not. Sorry to sound harsh, I'm not having a go at you.

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LoveDeathPrizes · 13/04/2017 00:12

I'd be really concerned too that she's acting a bit like you're over reacting. I wouldn't be able to trust her long term. Lying, secretive, exploring boundaries, objectifying herself for attention, using your intimacy as material for others to get off on, compartmentalising - all recipe for disaster and infidelity.

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to sound harsh. This clearly is not your fault.

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LoveDeathPrizes · 13/04/2017 00:15

It's not just escapism. If she really just wanted a boost and an escape she could've created a fictional sexual identity but she hasn't - she's sending real photographs and discussing your sex life. She's after a level of authenticity that makes me think she'd like to break down the forth wall with these men.

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feckingmarvellous · 13/04/2017 00:47

I'm so sorry. Reading this my heart really goes out to you, to be torn between your children and your dignity. Your DC are so lucky to have you, you should know that, you sound like such a committed father. I can totally understand why you want to minimise this for the sake of keeping them in your life everyday.

As for your relationship though, this isn't the first time she's cheated, it's the second (after the one night stand). That to me says a pattern. I'm sorry. I don't know what I'd do in your situation, it must be heartbreaking. Let your intuition guide you. If you did split up and you saw DC 50% of the time or so then that's still a lot of time that you would be with them.

Could this be a delayed reaction to the trauma of DS2's birth on her part?

I had a previous bf that I treated appallingly, in what feels like another life. We had gone through a very traumatic couple of years - lots of losses etc - and it was my way of coping, in a very awful and maladaptive way. I've had a lot of counselling and don't cope with things as reactively any more. Would she be open to counselling? My thinking is that in order for you to stay together she needs to a) really notice and own what she's done (as addicts need to), and b) do self work. More often that not, IME, that doesn't happen (just to not give you false hope) - but it can and does happen.

Is there any way you feel you have contributed to this dynamic in your relationship?

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Wellyboots86 · 13/04/2017 07:03

She has been using a fake name, saying she is younger than she is and doesn't live where we do but obviously the pics are of her and the stuff she's said (although tweaked) has been based on our real life.

I know that she came close to leaving me last year as I got fired from my old job due to an argument with my boss. Basically he was constantly belittling me to the point where I developed depression and ended up swearing at him.

She said last night that if she could do things over in her life then she would. She said she'd still want to be where we are now (with me and kids) but that she wishes she'd met me later in her life so that she could've had experienced other guys, better social life with friends etc.

She's told me that since having the boys she is very conscious of her own mortality and doesn't want to die having regretted the life she led.

Sounds like she wants now all the stuff she didn't have as a teenager due to us meeting so young but whilst still wanting the family life which is not possible as I can't bring myself to say ok fine, go off and sleep with someone else to get it out of your system or whatever!

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Wellyboots86 · 13/04/2017 07:06

She also said that she might as well have cheated based on how I'm reacting. I said that's the way it feels like you're heading anyway and she said it's not like I'd have a chance to anyway with the kids around!

Not flat out denial and saying "I'd never actually do it". Just makes me think that if we didn't have kids then that bridge might've been crossed already

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Wellyboots86 · 13/04/2017 07:07

The worst part is that she's a great mum and I love the family dynamic we have when we're all together but clearly there's a huge unspoken problem always under the surface which is now starting to taint that.

In just glad the kids are too young to understand

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Wellyboots86 · 13/04/2017 07:12

And yes, she has already cheated once, 12 years ago when we were still teenagers. Nothing else that I know of and if she has done it again then she needs an Oscar for her acting!

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FerdinandsRevenge · 13/04/2017 07:33

I'm confused why you were in the random folder and not her fb app in the first place? Also why were you previously spying on her with gps?

As she is a teacher I assume it's your job that you're moving around for. So she's been moved around and up until recently been a good partner to you but you've been spying on her all along basically?

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FerdinandsRevenge · 13/04/2017 07:41

If a woman posted the opposite if this she'd be told to leave you.

dh put us in financial trouble by mouthing off at his boss and getting fired, we've had to move since then. We have no sex life he just watches porn to get off, I've got low self esteem about my body so it obviously makes me feel shit about my body. Previously he was also spying on where I was with my phone with gps. Recently I've started playing with sexting as I'm bored and he shows me no interest I feel like I missed my life. I've put my actual address at 50 miles away and been honest about not wanting to meet up as I have a partner, it's not right but it's given me a boost and improving our sex life. However he has been going through folders in my phone and found out and he's pissed off

She's be told you were both as bad as each other but for some reason you're getting a very easy ride

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blueribbon234 · 13/04/2017 07:58

I do exactly the same as your wife for the same reasons, I've now progressed to full sex and affairs , as will she, make no mistake
It's very addictive and it will get worse
The only thing that may have stopped me is husband finding out and going mad
I would need a short sharp shock
You telling her she can carry on is a massive mistake, you are giving her permission to take it to the next level and lo effect telling her you don't care
I would leave her no doubt what will happen if she carries on and put the fear of god into her, it's the only way she will stop

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blueribbon234 · 13/04/2017 07:59

And yes , I do need an Oscar for my acting, don't be fooled

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LoveDeathPrizes · 13/04/2017 08:18

I missed the gps and porn bit? And would you nearly leave someone who lost a job that made them depressed?

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LoveDeathPrizes · 13/04/2017 08:29

ferdinand I haven't got that from him at all. It doesn't seem to be one of the porn typical posts where a husband loses interest in his wife because he's using porn?

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LoveDeathPrizes · 13/04/2017 08:29

And if my husband had a job that made him miserable and his boss was a bully I'd support him in leaving. In fact, I did!

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c3pu · 13/04/2017 08:51

LTB.

It won't stop.

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SammyL100 · 13/04/2017 08:57

I completely disagree Ferdinand. I don't know where you got the gps and porn bit from??

The OP was checking his wife's phone because she was actually acting suspiciously and lo and behold found incriminating photos/sexting. He gave her numerous opportunities to come clean and she kept on lying. So no wonder he kept checking. Women have been given advice to put keyloggers and tracking devices in cars if a partner comes home late, so him checking her phone (and finding something) is certainly not out of the ordinary for MN.

Throughout his posts he has defended his wife saying she was a good wife and mother and even tried to minimise her actions.

I do think you are being very unfair turning this against the OP when he is clearly in bits.

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Wellyboots86 · 13/04/2017 09:03

Ferdinands revenge - she left that folder open so when I typed in passcode for phone it was immediately on screen.

I only gps checked her the night after I confronted her about everything as wanted to make sure she wasn't sneaking out when I was at work.

I've never checked up on her or spied on prior to this and it was what she was doing that made me check on her whereabouts

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Wellyboots86 · 13/04/2017 09:04

Also, no it's her job we've moved for. Went to uni, then another county for final year training then 3rd county for her first job (still in same house now 6 years later)

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Wellyboots86 · 13/04/2017 09:08

And your final point. I've tried to initiate sex since ds2 came about (obviously not straight away) but she kept saying she wasn't ready/in the mood so after a while I gave up and waited for her to initiate as didn't want her to feel pressured.

Don't know where you got the porn bit as the only mention I made to it was her saying she'd be fine with me watching it and that she felt what she was doing was no different

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LoveDeathPrizes · 13/04/2017 09:08

The porn bit might be an assumption but if it's true, might be an issue. Porn kills intimacy on a subconscious level and if she's body conscious, porn kills spousal confidence too when there's a lack of sex in the marriage. Worth talking about with her if in fact ferdinand is on the money there.

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LoveDeathPrizes · 13/04/2017 09:09

But yeah - what she's doing is different!

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LoveDeathPrizes · 13/04/2017 09:10

Sorry Welly cross posts.

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Wellyboots86 · 13/04/2017 09:11

Sorry, keep rereading your comment - we never had to move through me losing job and I got a new one within 3 weeks so there was no long term impact financially, if anything it's better as ds x2 only go to nursery once a week now instead of 3 as I have some days off in the week

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