Is it selfish to use all my salary on childcare and pick that over staying at home?

[Monae]

I definitely am obsessed with my son. He's my whole world. I love spending every minute with him and don't find him particularly difficult but I also have a side to me that doesn't want to just be "Mum" or "Ben's Mum" (not my son's name) IYSWIM?

I have a job (only a lab technician) but I went to uni and it took me years to get here, due to not being the brightest cookie. My DH is a great man but was getting very irritated when he was explaining that my salary = childcare costs so it makes no sense and that if he was in my situation he wouldn't even dream of considering not doing it (he can't go part time and his salary is triple mine at least). The conversation ended with him calling me "selfish" is it selfish?

Either of my parents could afford to be SAHP. They both love their jobs. They are both fantastic parents and always have been, always there for my brothers and I, whilst also setting wonderful examples. The notion they (or rather my mother as fathers never seem to be judged for going back to work/carrying on working when their child is born) was "choosing the entertainment of her job" over us is absolutely ridiculous. I am extremely lucky to have her as a mum.

I would be massively affronted that somehow the childcare cost was my responsibility, therefore I should not work.

Had you talked properly about your mutual expectations before having a child? Sounds to me like he assumed you would stay at home.

Women's careers have a different arc to men's exactly because they have children. Life is long and there is no reason to write off working because of short term cost, unless that is actually what you want to do.

Equally though, life is long and if you wanted to take a few years with your child, why not?

It is in no way a "selfish"choice however you slice and dice it. That is a worrying thing for him to have said.

Have you ever heard of a man having to justify why they go back to work even if they don't earn more than childcare costs?

This ^

I am in the position of your husband insofar as I am the higher earner and my OH has decided to keep working instead of becoming a SAHD. He runs his own business but it is early days and he doesn't yet earn enough to pay for anything other then childcare (although in reality thia is split from the family money).

Working is important to him. Working is important to me. I would never try to belittle what he does to get him to stay at home. His happiness is more important then that. Being a SAHP is a big commitment and not everyone can do that for a mulitude of reasons.

Go back to work and enjoy having something away from your children. You aren't selfish to want that spacr if it will make you happier

In 10 years time you will be grateful you went back to work. You'll also be setting an example for your son; women are more than mothers and wives, with minds, talents, dreams and interests of their own, all outside the home.

Ideally childcare should be affordable enough for everyone so that staying at home was only an option if you really wanted to, not because you had to.

Everyone's entitled to live in a way that makes one happy.

In either case you'd go back to work eventually, better to ensure you keep the job you know you like than being forced into some unknown hypothetical job in a few years.

Nothing wrong with being a stay at home mum, but it should only be because that's what you want, otherwise it could be easy to resent the arrangement over time.

I knew that being a SAHM would drive me insane so I went back to work part time as an infant teacher. Not the same thing at all.
Having said that after working for 30 years that I now regret not taking the opportunity to be at home for a while but at the time I was terrified of not getting back into work.
So......why not part time if you can. I also had no money after paying child costs.
Didn't even think to ask h to halve the cost and I'm pretty miffed I didn't.

I hate the idea that it's always the mother's salary that pays for childcare! It's a family expense.

BrownAjah - its not though - it's the best way to analyse whether the cost is efficient in having two parents working. It's not always the case but women are often the lower earner. That's just factual. If childcare is a joint expense then so are all other household bills. How often are people asking 'is it worth going back to work on £1k net pay a month when my 50% share of all joint expenses is £990 a month?' They don't because those things would need to be paid for, 50% share or not, regardless of who is working!

While there are lots of arguments about working for your own benefit e.g mental stimulation, break from SAHM etc I'm not sure that these will wash with your DH at the moment so I would just present him with the cold hard financial facts such as:

a) what if something unexpected happens to him - you need to be in a position to provide for your son. If you haven't been in work for years this will be very difficult;

b) once your son is at school you will have many free hours to fill and by staying in work now your job will add extra cash to the household meaning more disposable income for all of you or more savings to pay for your son's education.

In short it's not selfish - its an investment in the future.

I do hope you've had this conversation again op! You don't earn anything as a student , you don't earn much starting out, is your husband just so senior he's entirely forgotten the concept of career progression? Personally unless he is loving and supportive in a way this is NOT shown on this thread you should tell him that if he thinks you are never going to amount to anything he should just be honest and say that, so you can reconsider your life choices. And of course go back to work . actually to be honest the part where he called me selfish I'd have lost it completely at him , selfish self-centred pompous git that he is.

Some jobs come with added benefits eg pension contributions, reduced prices for services/goods, health care, childcare vouchers, life insurance, shares, freebies etc

Secondly, you are able to socialise and network in and out of work

Career progression

I have seen alot of threads recently where marriages break up and a SAHM/D has to go to work. So not such a shock if you are already working

I expect that we probably live in a society where we have a CHOICE. Some other people are not so lucky to have choices

Happy Mother
Happy Father
I hope happy child

Selfish - NO NO NO

No, you are not being selfish at all. Your kid will be in school in a few years. By then there'll be 5 more years of graduates fresh out of uni with your skills, but more up to date. Huge childcare costs don't last forever. If you don't you are relying on your DH for money, and not building up your own pension.

Nothing selfish about it whatsoever.

You have every right to maintain your employability. If you split or he died when the child is older and at school you'd have to pay for the roof and put food on the table.

Working isn't all about money.

You are also having contributions to your pension and using the qualifications you paid and worked for.

It helps with social contacts and a purpose and gives the child a work ethic and is good for mental health and your child is having social contact with others not just mum all day.

Funny how he expects you to just jack in your career but would not dream of changing his or reducing hours or taking a different job or doing anything to contribute to child care. Why is all of your salary paying for childcare? He should be paying half. You should have some money in your pocket from working, why is he getting to keep his entire wage while you have nothing? You are a person too.

He is the selfish one who refuses to compromise on anything or meet you halfway and he expects you to make all the sacrifices and all the losses and pay for all childcare.

Personally I would tell him to start paying half the childcare and that your career is just as important to you as his is to him and unless he meets you half way and stops dictating, you want a divorce.

I read an article on LinkedIn yesterday that women typically go back on a 20% lower salary if they take 2 years out of the workforce. It calculated how much in lost earnings this adds up to over the rest of her career and it is hundreds of thousands. Of course many women don't just take 2 years out but 5 or 10. I had dc1 10 years ago and went back full time but have since worked various combinations especially since having dc2. Having kids had definitely impacted on my career but my salary has nevertheless gone up in that time and my CV looks good. I've certainly worked with plenty of men who think their wives should go back to work now the kids are at school, but have no intention of changing anything they do in terms of working hours.

There are plenty of instances in our organisation where women have come back to work part-time, but the household doesn't come out that much ahead in terms of take-home pay, as child care costs as much as they are earning. Even then, it's definitely not pointless, for many reasons - pensions, skills development, career progression, social life.

I'd say he's selfish for not paying full childcare costs out of his sizable salary, bet he doesn't work three times as hard as you, either at work or as a parent though.

I don't think this is pointless at all. You will avoid having a skill-gap or falling behind with your career. I would probably do the same.

I think it's not selfish as it's hard to get back working if you have a long career break and the childcare costs will reduce as gets older where as your income will increase. Why are you being more selfish than your husband?

Childcare needs to be seen as a shared cost. He has a child, therefore he pays 50% of its childcare cost. The child isn't solely yours to spend on.

Don't fall into the dependency trap. They say all the right things to keep us at home, but it's bullshit. They want a free nanny/cleaner/cook and they're safe in the knowledge we'll probably never be able to go back.

8 years in SAHM jail.

Believe me, once the kids are in school and you start realistically talking about going back, they show their true colours.