Is it selfish to use all my salary on childcare and pick that over staying at home?

[Monae]

I definitely am obsessed with my son. He's my whole world. I love spending every minute with him and don't find him particularly difficult but I also have a side to me that doesn't want to just be "Mum" or "Ben's Mum" (not my son's name) IYSWIM?

I have a job (only a lab technician) but I went to uni and it took me years to get here, due to not being the brightest cookie. My DH is a great man but was getting very irritated when he was explaining that my salary = childcare costs so it makes no sense and that if he was in my situation he wouldn't even dream of considering not doing it (he can't go part time and his salary is triple mine at least). The conversation ended with him calling me "selfish" is it selfish?

Why is it selfish for you to work and not him???

Not selfish at all. Motherhood doesn't mean that you sacrifice your entire being.

SoulAccount I was referring to this from a pp

"Working isn't just about money - it's about keeping your brain active and alive, about maintaining adult relationships and having conversations that don't just involve paw patrol and play dates."

I stand by what I said.

Agree with chinnygirl

Has he proposed what private pension he would be contributing for you?

Go back to work to stay prepared for the day you divorce your idiot of a husband

And it will be half of your salary. Unless you inseminated yourself

Not selfish! Your childcare costs will fall as your child gets older and then it will be really worthwhile

There's also hidden benefits like pension contributions to think about

Oh and don't make my mistake - our mortgage and childcare costs were equal in early years. So for convenience exH paid mortgage (950) and I paid childcare (930). Then when we split he tried to argue he should have more than half the equity as he had made all the mortgage payments.

YANBU - not selfish at all.

Taking a break could make it difficult to get back into it in a few years. And once your DS is at school the childcare costs will go down and down.

It's sensible to play the long game and keep yourself in the workplace.

There is a huge benefit to staying in a job and childcare costs reduce as the kids get bigger.

If you are a lab tech in a school hold onto that job for dear life because it will be perfect when your child is older.

Why do people always take it so literally that the OP's salary is what pays the childcare? Surely, the point is, even if the childcare is paid out of a joint account, if her net salary is the same as the cost of childcare, in cash terms only there is no net gain to the household. I say similar about my job, it pays the school fees, because that is roughly what my net salary brings to the table. When in reality, DH actually pays the fees.

As plenty of others have said, it is about pensions, future proofing your career and financial safety net, mental well-being, presenting a role model etc. Your childcare costs will drop but it won't be so easy to pick up another job with a long gap. It's a short term pain, which your DH should encourage and support you to manage as a family unit.

I had this same discussion!! It did not make financial sense for me to work but I did it! I did it because I'm not 'just' mummy, and my job is a huge part of who I am, and I love the role model I set my children, and I love the independence they have, and I love all they've got out of daycare nursery - it's been brilliant for them, I could go on...

I worked from my kids being 6 months old. They're now 6 and 4. No regrets x

Bibbity; as do I!

Hallelujah! The new Messiah, born of an Immaculate Conception! Congratulations Op you've given birth without any father involved at any point t, haven't you?

Because otherwise, the only explanation is that your husband is being a bit of a dick, and deciding that he's not responsible in any way for childcare costs for his own son.

It's pretty bad logic. And mean, to call you selfish, when he's the one not paying for childcare for his own son.

Unless of course it really was an Immaculate conception

glad i read this, i actually earn 0 after paying childcare. after 7 yrs as a sahm and being utterly miserable i went back to work. yes it makes no financial sense for me to do it, but im so much happier and we just reprioritise what we spend our money on

I'm increasingly regretting becoming a SAHM. I had a very secure (permanent) job / career I loved, and where I could probably have gone part time. I earned a good salary (the same as DH at the time). I became a SAHM for the best of reasons but I think it was probably a mistake. We've moved multiple times since for DH's job and his salary and status has gone up - my earning prospects have gone in the opposite direction, and now we're not getting on well. I've supported him with everything he's achieved yet have nothing to show for it. I feel I have no respect or value as a sahm. I was applying for jobs in the past year and getting interviews for jobs that paid betwen 5 and 15k less than I was earning 5 years ago. I still have my qualifications, which are excellent, but the career gap shows and in my experience makes a big difference. I hope I can get back into work, but it's not easy (and especially since DH is now used to hardly doing anything at home and sees it all as my responsibility, I wonder what would happen if I did go back). I've also lost confidence in myself.

At the time I desperately wanted to stay home with DD, but now I wonder if her seeing me as a sahm (skivvy?) is really the best model for her. If you don't want to sah you absolutely shouldn't - it's rare (impossible?) To just pick up where you left off in a career after a gap, not to mention pensions, plus if you sah for years the dynamic in the relationship can change and your DH might not be willing to take on more childcare / housework when you do go back to work. It is wonderful to get to spend lots of time with your DC but there are definite costs.

I suspect it's not really about money. I think there are lots of men who prefer to have a wife at home, making their lives easier.

So they don't have to take a day off work for a sick child, or leave a work meeting to pick up from nursery before it closes, or say no to golf after work as their wife has to work late. And god forbid they have to come home & empty a dishwasher, cook a meal or bath the kids. Fuck that - they want a SAHM!

So they can absolve themselves of any domestic responsibilities. Because that's your job, not theirs.

Rubbish. Maintaining your career is the long term, prudent option.

Personally I wouldn't, but that's me. You want to and I don't see anything wrong with that, so you do what's right for you!

Ineedacupof...

Exactly that, nail on head

As others will have said already, but it's worth repeating:

It isn't about what you'll earn this year. It's about what you'll earn over the next twenty, thirty years and what your pension will be.

Leaving work will almost certainly bugger that up. Yes, there are people who launch brilliant second careers after the children have grown up and gone to school. They're practically bloody unicorns. Most women end up doing lower staus worse paid and less interesting work than what they left.

The cost of childcare isn't forever and at least you won't lose skills.
I think taking 3-4 years off in any profession is a mistake as you will have to start near the bottom.
I also think it is important for kids to see their parents enjoying work.

Definitely not selfish IMO. I think it creates a great role model for your children and it should also give you independence with some money of your own. I've always worked apart from 6 months maternity leave and this meant holidays abroad, private education and a higher standard of living than we could have had on one salary. DH has been fantastic, sharing parenting role and the money has always been ours in one account. You need to get your husband on board - you've worked hard to get where you are - why give it all up? Good luck you to you.

My salary covered our childcare costs for three years after I went back to work. Now several years down the line I am so so glad I did. It maintained my skills, my pension and my sanity!
I couldn't have managed being a SAHM. He wants you there to make his life easier.. now that's selfish!

I know it is under a little bit of doubt at the moment but unless your dh is earning over £100k the childcare costs will quickly reduce as the new tax-free childcare accounts and the 30 hour funding are being rolled out. I am guessing you have looked into tax-credits towards childcare costs already.

The 'childcare should come out of joint money' argument really winds me up too. Presumably all the mortgage/rent and other expenses need to be paid too and hypothetically is the person returning to work factoring in the cost of half of those too?

OP - you won't regret going back to work. As my DC go through primary I only meet people who regret staying at home and moan relentlessly they've somehow been shafted by their own lifestyle choice as they expected to magically return to the workplace in the same role and salary with enough flexibility for school runs.