Is it selfish to use all my salary on childcare and pick that over staying at home?

[Monae]

I definitely am obsessed with my son. He's my whole world. I love spending every minute with him and don't find him particularly difficult but I also have a side to me that doesn't want to just be "Mum" or "Ben's Mum" (not my son's name) IYSWIM?

I have a job (only a lab technician) but I went to uni and it took me years to get here, due to not being the brightest cookie. My DH is a great man but was getting very irritated when he was explaining that my salary = childcare costs so it makes no sense and that if he was in my situation he wouldn't even dream of considering not doing it (he can't go part time and his salary is triple mine at least). The conversation ended with him calling me "selfish" is it selfish?

"My career is not an optional extra."

"This isn't a negotiation. I have a career, I took maternity leave, now I'm going back to work."

"I can love my work and love my son."

"How dare you suggest that loving my chosen career means I don't love my son. How fucking dare you!"

"It is what I want."

"My start date is , I'll be working . Let's work out the nursery pick up and drop offs."

"Yes, I would prefer spending some of my week at work over spending 100% of my time at home with our baby. That's not horrible. That's being a normal human being."

"Well, just because you would choose that doesn't mean I have to choose that."

I have two friends who have divorced recently.

One worked and has managed to buy a house, isn't reliant on the ex-DH and has a great career.

The other ended up as a SAHM through circumstance rather than choice and is basically controlled by her ex-DH and what he decides to pay.
It's clear to me if you can't control your money, you can't control your life and giving up work is something I would never consider.

Unfortunately it is still a fact that in many professions if take a break now it will be harder to get back into work down the line, if that's what you're want to do. Childcare is 100% a cost to be shared between a working couple and not just covered by the woman's salary.

bibbity

It's the daily contact with other professionals I enjoy. When I was a sahp I saw my friends every couple of weeks, my Mum at the weekends.
My relationship at home also wasn't great, which meant I really valued those I built when I went back to work.

That's not to say everybody should feel the same or all sahp lack adult relationships.

" I do find the suggestion that anyone who doesn't work can't keep their brain alive and is "only someone's Mummy" exceedingly tedious, tiresome and really quite stupid "

In the OP's case I read it about her sense of identity, and not wanting her identity and sense of self submerged by being a parent. Whether you like it or not, Bibbilty, plenty of women feel like that. Plenty of women suffer actual mental health problems or endure unhappiness because their lives are defined by being a parent.

It is a role that many men do their very best to avoid.

You may not get much from work colleagues. I am passionately committed to my job, it is part of who I am. I was crashingly lonely as a sahm. Despite lots of groups of lovely intelligent other Mums to meet up with.

Pretty rude to call people stupid.

No you are not, and I say that as a SAHM

When I went back to work after 11 years being a sahm, which I loved, the only thing I could do was work in a nursery because I'd volunteered at playgroup
I had to pay for bus fare and childcare for 2 children whilst working as an unqualified nursery assistant
It actually cost me more than I earnt some weeks
But it boosted my confidence and gave me some focus and direction
I took courses and worked my way up
I now have a degree, I'm an Early Years Professional and I'm the manager of my setting
I hope I've been a positive role model for my children
Going out to work isn't just about the money
I spent many years working as an unpaid volunteer at playgroups
It has all helped me to get to where I am now
If you stay at home and are miserable, then how is that big any benefit to your son? Surely a happy mum is more likely to have a happy child?

Of corse it makes financial sense - 2014 is talking bollocks. Childcare will only take all your salary for a few years, once dc is at school that cost will reduce significantly. Once dc is a teen costs will be nil.

So do the math - but consider the next 20 years not the next 2 years. Factor in pay rises which you won't get if you take a few years out of work and your pension contributions.

Tell your dh he'll need to to pay into a pension plan for you if you're not working.

I'll be going back to work if/when I have a baby. I've spent a lot of time and money training as a nurse and I want both a career and a child. No guilt here, even if it doesn't make a lot of sense financially.

Take the childcare out of his wages and then you'll be earning more than him

Of course YANBU. And in 5 years time you will see the fruits of your continued labour.

his salary is triple mine at least

Errr....so WHY would your salary be eaten up by childcare costs?!!!!

As for the picking entertainment over ds comment - what the actual fuck?! Who is this 'man' that you've married?!

He's projecting his own stuff onto you.

i would hate to be a 'kept woman' with no real financial independence or security. You give a hell of a lot of that up once you have a child anyway, so to further erode my autonomy and sense of self using emotional blackmail like that would be a massive red flag for me.

if he wanted the stereotypical Stepford Wife/lady who lunches kind of wife & lifestyle then he should have made that clear before he married you.

he could always be a SAHD whilst you go to work - but he prioritises money/materialism/ego/self importance and selfishness too much to do that.....all dressed up in the guise of 'but we need MY job/salary"

no matter how much you trust him right now, you can't guarantee you will be married/in love forever....

Going back to work is short term pain for long term gain. You will keep your skills current so your career will not take a hit. You will make pension contributions. When the free hours of childcare kick in you will be better off.

If you stay home I think its short term gain for long term pain. It can be really really tough to get back into the work place, your pay will likely drop as your skills arent up to date.

What everyone else said but I have to ask, was there any discussion of this stuff before you decided to become parents?

THIS:

It's clear to me if you can't control your money, you can't control your life and giving up work is something I would never consider.

Phrase it like

Do you want to do pick up or drop off?
Shall we both do four days a week?
Shall we use a childminder or nursery?
Do you want to do all the food or all the laundry?

Or leave his sorry arse!

What redex said. Also you may be able to negotiate reduced hours in a job you already have.

Your DH is wrong to call you selfish....but you do have a problem if you're not both on exactly the same page about childcare and what you think is important and best for you all as a family.

I'm a SAHM - gave up a very highly paid job to be so, because DH and I agreed that having a live in nanny to look after our children 12+ hours a day wasn't what we wanted. And I wanted to be at home and he didn't. And we both see work = money to live rather than it being anything intrinsic to who we are. And he isn't remotely controlling about money. So it works extremely well for us as a family. We are on the same page.

Where I think it's a problem is if you're not on the same page - at any point. For example - I have another SAHM friend whose DH is a bit controlling about money. And keeps telling her to "get a job". Except, of course, he means a menial job that fits around him and not something that would require him to take more responsibility. So they have a problem and a mismatch in terms of expectations.

Your situation? Sounds like you're certainly in a different place about what work means to you (to you it's more about your identity than just money - and maybe not to your husband). Is there more to it? Does your husband feel strongly that children should be at home and not in childcare? Would he consider staying at home if you earned more? Is he traditional (some would call it sexist) in his views of gender roles? Etc etc....

Just backing up what everybody else has said. For the first two years I worked for nothing. Now we have much cheaper childcare as nursery and school have kicked in. I'm earning again! I worked hard for my career. I'm still the same person I was before dc. I deserve a career AND children.. Same as my husband!

It's not selfish. Go back to work.

In the very long term you will have better job prospects and a pension.

Your DH should split childcare costs. It's 50% his child.

It's not all your salary: it's half your salary and half your dh's salary.

....unless your dh is proposing that he'd be happy giving up his job. since he seems to be jealous of the fact that you enjoy your job

And you are keeping your career alive with a job you love

Why is it only selfish when it is a woman?
Is the DH not 'selfish' in the EXACT same way?
Oh no because he is a man

Don't lose your career, keep your job. It's not about the cost or missing your child it's the long term picture. You are entitled to independence as much as a man is

Good grief, but of course he's fine to have a career... (I appreciate that he earns more but still...)

Go back, if your hearts not in being a sahm then I reckon it could drive you bonkers, it's definitely not for me, can you compromise and do part time? xx

Tell him if it's selfish to go to work rather than look after your child then he needs to go part time do he can unselfishly do HIS share at the cost of HIS career.

Sorry but your DH sounds like a card carrying tosspot.

Definitely go back to work.

Childcare should come from the joint account. Since he is earning three times than you do then he pays 3/4 of the childcare and you 1/4. So basically you are working for the other three quarters of your salary which actually sounds really good to me!

Keep your job, it pays off.