Is it selfish to use all my salary on childcare and pick that over staying at home?

[Monae]

I definitely am obsessed with my son. He's my whole world. I love spending every minute with him and don't find him particularly difficult but I also have a side to me that doesn't want to just be "Mum" or "Ben's Mum" (not my son's name) IYSWIM?

I have a job (only a lab technician) but I went to uni and it took me years to get here, due to not being the brightest cookie. My DH is a great man but was getting very irritated when he was explaining that my salary = childcare costs so it makes no sense and that if he was in my situation he wouldn't even dream of considering not doing it (he can't go part time and his salary is triple mine at least). The conversation ended with him calling me "selfish" is it selfish?

How can he call you selfish when he's not given up his job to look after his son? Why should it have to be the mother who should give up her career. Go back to work if that's what you want.

Don't forget that you can make pension contributions while you are working. That is the main reason that I work full time and my one year old goes to nursery - no one else is going to pay for me in my old age.

Do you also get any benefits like a pension as that is part of your salary and we'll worth having.

Not selfish! I am a better mum because I work, I appreciate my time with my children more. I choose to work part time as that is a good balance for me (I'm on mat leave ATM). It is also not just about money in vs money out, I'm building a pension, progressing my career so that I still have a good job (and salary) once children are at school, I get child care vouchers too. I also think it is a good example to set my children. I am not saying it is a better choice than being a SAHM, but that being a happy and balanced person is an important part of providing a happy and nourishing home and parent, be that working part time, full time or not at all. The other thing to bear in mind is you will lose any maternity benefits (other than statutory) for a subsequent child.

It's not pointless from a finance point of view at all. You're maintaining your employability and won't have to go back in 5 years to a huge pay cut. By working you are investing in your future, even if you aren't necessarily reaping the financial benefits of it right at this second.

Well if your husband is so concerned about it, you can suggest that he drops a couple of days at his work. It'll reduce childcare costs won't it.

Workplace pension
NI Contributions
Potential for promotion and career progression
De-risking your prospects for when children are grown.

All good reasons to keep up with your job.

Are you a lab technician in a school? That would be brilliant for the holidays.

OP he's your husband's son as much as he's yours therefore child care should be a shared cost. I'm enraged by people who think it's solely up to the mother to pay for childcare.

Enjoy your return to the workplace, it sounds like a positive move. Not a 'selfish' one. And please don't refer to yourself as not being very bright. Does he make you feel like that?

Regardless of the financial rewards I love my job.
It provides me with challenge, keeps me up to date with the developments in my field, allows me to have relationships with adults outside my family and makes me happy.

It is not selfish or pointless to want this.

It's not selfish. I do something similar. I end up with about £100 a month after childcare costs, and as a family we don't need that money as DH is a fairly high earner.

I do it because it keeps me sane. Like you I don't want to only ever be someone's Mum. It gives me some security should anything happen to my marriage. It also means I don't have a huge gap in my CV making it harder to return to work once the kids are older.

But that salary has also paid your pension and national insurance contributions before paying childcare.

Childcare at this level is up to age 3, then it decreases in cost once funded hours come in.

You still have s job and career in a few years time when it becomes financially worthwhile again.

Most people I know have had this dilemma at this point -at one point I was working for £20 a week but it's not forever.

Absolutely NOT selfish.

You are investing in your career and your family's security.

If you take a break sadly the reality is you will have to work years to build up your salary and career prospects.

The fact your salary is on a par with childcare is only short term. And as previous posters have said it comes out of both your salaries.

You are doing the right thing, and you're not the selfish one here

If you want to keep your career going, then why doesn't it make sense?

You're not doing your job for 'entertainment' FFS - that's a horribly dismissive attitude to a job you've worked hard to get. And bugger all science would get done without lab techs, it's a really valuable, worthwhile job!

And for what it's worth I did the same and went back to work. At the time DH earned more than me. My career took off and I now am the main breadwinner.

It's pointless? To keep both careers and earning potentials alive?

The shit that gets trotted out here is unbelievable .

2014 fuck off.

Did you not discuss this when trying to conceive?
If so, tell him to fuck off.

But anyway, tell him to fuck off for all th reasons above!

I do the same, after childcare I earn about £20 a week. But I love it. I have total respect for sahm, I couldn't do it. I love my 3 days at work and then look forward to my days at home with the kids. It's a perfect balance.

Also as everyone else says it's the pension contributions, not losing your place on your salary point etc and I also find being at home with kids can cost money - cafe/soft play etc.

My kids love nursery, I love having a break (hot cups of tea, workplace challenges). We're all richer and not just by 20 quid.

I couldn't be a SAHM because I would go insane. I hate housework and like to be kept busy outside of the home. I don't think you are selfish, you are going through a period in your life where you won't see the benefit of most of your salary, this is true, but once your son is at school you will be 5 years unemployed and find it even harder to compete in the job market. It was very important for me to work and show my son a strong work ethic. Your life does not begin and end with being a mum, you are a woman as well

You're not selfish at all, there is more to work than financial gain, and once your ds gets a bit older the cost of childcare will decrease anyway.

Some women really want to be sahm and if they're in a position to afford that then brilliant, but don't feel bad if you don't want to be a sahm, one is not better than the other.

As well as these fab points. When my son was young and we lived in a small flat he loved daycare. He could paint (something we couldn't do) play in a sandbox where we werent worried about what was in it. He was exposed to new foods we didn't even think we could feed him yet. He played and danced to a girl playing guitar with other children. Experience with other adults and children. Not just us. Different toys he could play with that we didn't have at home. There was so much he could do that we couldn't provide. Or could only do if we had the money.

So no. It selfish

But your salary won't be used completely for child care forever.

When I first went back to work most of my salary was childcare, then when ds2 was at nursery it was all my childcare- but when ds1 turned 3, and then went to school ( CM cheaper than nursery) , and then ds2 went to school and then ds1 went to secondary so needs no childcare...
Now I have a decent job, our income is good and when DH was made redundant a while ago it was okay as we had my wage.
it's not stupid, it is sensible .

Another "hell no!" here.

Your DS has two parents, no? Therefore you split the cost of childcare. So your DH gets his change from that, and you get yours.

"Selfish" is assuming you should be covering the whole cost just because you are in possession of some ovaries. FFS.

I do find the suggestion that anyone who doesn't work can't keep their brain alive and is "only someone's Mummy" exceedingly tedious, tiresome and really quite stupid. It's not like sahps don't have any other adult relationships. I suppose I quite liked some of my work colleagues but can't say I ever got anything from them that I couldn't get from other adults in my life . They certainly would never have been among my most important relationships.

But, no op, of course you are not being selfish. No more selfish than he is anyway.

Your son won't need childcare forever - plus salary sacrifice schemes can be used. When he starts school you won't have to start again on the employment ladder