Is it selfish to use all my salary on childcare and pick that over staying at home?

[Monae]

I definitely am obsessed with my son. He's my whole world. I love spending every minute with him and don't find him particularly difficult but I also have a side to me that doesn't want to just be "Mum" or "Ben's Mum" (not my son's name) IYSWIM?

I have a job (only a lab technician) but I went to uni and it took me years to get here, due to not being the brightest cookie. My DH is a great man but was getting very irritated when he was explaining that my salary = childcare costs so it makes no sense and that if he was in my situation he wouldn't even dream of considering not doing it (he can't go part time and his salary is triple mine at least). The conversation ended with him calling me "selfish" is it selfish?

Not selfish at all. You will be paying in to your pension & hopefully moving up the ladder. Most imortantly if you want to work then you must. I would advise starting your ds in childcare a while before you go back as it takes a while to settle.

We're going through this too OP. I've been looking for part time work but struggling to get it so I've applied for a full time job.

If I get it I will hate having to put the kids in full time childcare, and financially we'll actually be worse off for a few months until DD1s free hours kick in, then only really breaking even when you consider commute costs. But the other option is running myself into a hole career wise which I'm not really prepared to do.

Also I haven't RTFT but would your DH go to 4 days a week? I know he earns a lot more than you would but if he's a high rate tax payer the difference isn't as much as it seems (eg 2 people on 30k each take home a lot more than 1 on 60k).

I think that family finances should be looked at as a whole and whether childcare is my costs, half my cost or my husbands cost makes no difference to how much money we have at the end of the month for other things. But it helps me psychologically to remember that my salary doesn't equal childcare as if childcare is solely my job and responsibility.

We had this conundrum, but DP said he supported any decision I wanted to make, rather than calling me selfish!

In the end, I've gone back to work, although we're only marginally better off (I am the higher earner anyway).

It worked out to be the best decision as DP lost his job in February and hasn't gotten another one. Luckily, my salary pays for most things and we have some savings.

If you want to progress your career, then i think is a good step. And being a SAHM is hard. I enjoyed my maternity leave but I think I enjoy being a work more!

It's only 2 years (1-3?) out of your career where it will cost you a fortune, then you will get free hours.. and then school. Seems a small amount of time to throw your career away over.

Tell your husband to fuck off. Doesn't sound like he's being very supportive.

OP - you won't regret going back to work. As my DC go through primary I only meet people who regret staying at home and moan relentlessly they've somehow been shafted by their own lifestyle choice as they expected to magically return to the workplace in the same role and salary with enough flexibility for school runs

Solely for the purpose of adding a bit of balance..... As my DC go through primary school, I only meet people who moan relentlessly about the length of the school holidays, the fact that their kids finish school at 3.30 and that there are loads of events in school they are asked to go to. As if they expected that their workplace would magically reorintate itself towards their kids.

I also know several very highly paid mothers who did go back to work....only to decide some years down the line (and often after a second baby) that it just wasn't worth the stress. (Again, for the purpose of balance, I will say I do know one chap in that situation as well). Again - depends on what you do and what your DH does.

There is no perfect set up (that exists in reality). It's pretty foolish to tell the OP what she should do; we don't know anything about her personal or financial circumstances. I think the OP's problem is managing her own wants and expectations when her partner appears to be on a different page....in my experience that's a recipe for disaster whatever choices you make.

In my admittedly limited experience, men adapt very quickly and very happily to having a SAHM about the place. Why wouldn't they

During a post maternity leave career break, I ventured the notion to my dear Dad (who is reasonably "old-fashioned" one day over a coffee - "I'm thinking of staying home altogether. It would be easier for everyone, and dh is so busy..."

I will never forget the look on his face. Absolute Horror.
He gathered himself and said "Listen here now. Put any thoughts like that out of your head immediately. You have a great job that you like. Get back out that door and hold onto your financial independence!"

5 years later, I thank my lucky stars that I listened to him. Dh isn't quite so d anymore.

You are being totally sensible by staying in your career. If anything happens then you have that to fall back on. I am in agreement that you shouldn't just be seen as "Ben's mum".

Many of my mum "friends" have judged me for remaining full time when DH's salary could support us very easily. Some have explicitly said that I'm doing my son a disservice by putting him in nursery pretty much full time. They don't judge DH for this btw; it seems to be my problem.

But aside from the fact that I want to keep my career for me, I don't want my son growing up implicitly thinking his mother is dependent on his father, and, if I have daughters, I want them to realise the value of a career. I'm not judging SAHM mums; this is just what I want for myself.

We work hard to get ourselves in these positions career wise; why should it all end just because we're mothers?

My main concern, though, would be that you and DH aren't on the same page about your career.

I agree with that too NataliaOsipova! My point with that is that by returning to work in a good job with a good employer then building the goodwill up while DC are little makes it easier to accommodate being at the mercy of the school.

I couldn't have had the flexibility with my current job if I'd picked it up when DC went to school - it's the 3-4 years prior to that of sticking it out which means I am allowed more flexibility now.

I appreciate that it's not the case for all jobs though.

if I have daughters, I want them to realise the value of a career. I'm not judging SAHM mums; this is just what I want for myself.

Let's turn this one round as well for a bit of balance. "I have daughters and I want them to realise that family and personal relationships are more important than how much money you can earn and what you can buy with it. I'm not judging WOHM mums; this is just what I want for myself."

I did this. It made sense - I now still have my job and my children are at school. Also, as others have pointed out, it is not just you paying for the childcare. TBH, if it is what you want to do, you should do it regardless - why should you be obliged to be a sahm if you don't want to?

NataliaOsipova

Yeah, fine. Whatever works for you. Like I said I really don't judge other people's circumstances. Stay at home or don't. But clearly you do judge as by that comment you're implying that working is mutually exclusive to being a good, loving mother. I don't think it is. Stop looking for a bunfight where there isn't one. It's down to personal choice.

And for your information, me having a career is fuck all to do with "money and what I can buy with it".

I've just reread and perhaps was a little tetchy there, sorry Natalia! I clearly am very sick of people judging me and this has played out on MN...

What chicken said applies to me too - I worked FT from mat leave till DD started school, then dropped to half time. It seems wrong, but unless you have local family willing and able to help, childcare is harder to arrange once they're at school

I'm old with DC that who a largish (7yr) gap. I've done every kind of work pattern since I've been a parent - out of home, from home, massive commute etc. Most recently I was a SAHM because of one of the DC's additional needs and those of an elderly parent, which fell to me. My previously high earning contracting work disappeared as it just doesn't exist in that form any more and I've had to retrain and start to build up skills and experience in a different area. It's ok because I enjoy it but I am earning a quarter of my previous salary. OP, I had no choice but you do. Don't be me.

I wouldn't describe it as selfish but plenty of women don't work because they say it's not financially viable -so it might seem strange to your partner.Only you will know if he is being an arse or is genuinely concerned about his son.
If you enjoy your job you are likely to be a better mum.

Sorry, my first sentence doesn't make sense!

I'm a SAHM and I think you shouldn't give up your job unless you want to. I hate the idea that it's always the mother's salary that pays for childcare! It's a family expense.

I decided to stay at home because I hated my job anyway and my DH was extremely busy running a successful business so we were financially comfortable but he was very very busy so it made sense for me to do the kid stuff. It has worked well for us and given me a chance to consider what I do want to do in the future and plan for it. If I had had a hood career going, though, everything might well have been different!

I think you can always change your mind in future but once you leave your job, it's gone. I think your DH is being very selfish by dumping the responsibility for all this on your lap. If he wants someone at home with your child then tell him to look at reducing his own hours!

Let's turn this one round as well for a bit of balance. "I have daughters and I want them to realise that family and personal relationships are more important than how much money you can earn and what you can buy with it. I'm not judging WOHM mums; this is just what I want for myself."

Surely that should be "I have children and I want them...."?

Even that response reinforced gender stereotypes

Why is it the default position that you're not going to work in his eyes and that you're making some huge change by doing so?

You took time out to have a baby, so surely staying that way now the baby is born would be the change you are making.

Your son will get older and you will be behind in your career if you take time out. Some women choose this option, which is obviously fine, but it seems unreasonable of him to complain that your job doesn't bring in sufficient income (which is effectively what he's saying) and then calling you selfish because you want to retain your career and your means for bringing in an income.

If he doesn't want your salary to pay for childcare, he should be helping to come up with an alternative plan, like him going part-time, getting family to help, whatever works.

Your son is his son too and childcare is his responsibility just as much as it is yours.

LimitedEdition. You miss my point. I don't judge either. I always assume people do what works best for them and for their families. What I object to is the constant barrage of implicit judgement in all these posts which state working means that you are a good role model (and that staying at home means you are not), that working means you are a stimulated intellectual (and that staying at home means you are a nappy brained thicko) etc etc etc.

As I say, just turning some of these around for a bit of balance. The implicit judgement on the other side isn't very nice either.....it just isn't seen as okay to trot it out on an ongoing basis.

ChaCha. If you read the context of my post, I was deliberately turning a previous poster's comment around to make a point. It was she who referred to the daughters, hence I used the same phraseology to emphasise that. No reinforcement of gender stereotypes intended!

Limited. Apologies - missed your apology! . I agree with you about the "culture of judgement"; always seems so ridiculous to me, as, as I said before, I'm sure that (99% of the time, anyway) people all just do what they think is best for them and their family. So who is anyone else to judge that?

I suspect a lot of it is borne out of insecurity around people's own choices, actually. I am a SAHM. I'm very happy I've done that, but that doesn't mean I'm blind to the downsides of it. Like anything else in life, there are pros and cons of any decision you make. But I'm confident and happy in my own choice for me and for my kids. So why would I presume to have an opinion on what is right for you and yours? You are uniquely qualified to make that call for yourself.

Lots of people do this to keep the job open for when their DC go to school. If you can go part time, down to a couple of days a week, you'll still get plenty of time at home, but also get time with some adults. I've always worked, but I went down to 3 days a week when the DC were babies, then increased as they got older. I think I would have hated being at home full time with DC at school.

No, absolutely it's not selfish.

Have you ever heard of a man having to justify why they go back to work even if they don't earn more than childcare costs?

There is much more to it than that:

• Your identity
• Social contact with other adults
• Not being financially dependent as an adult which could put you in difficult situations (you only need to spend some time on the Relationships board to see this)
• Intellectual stimulation

I'm not arguing for or against being a SAHP, both are personal choices but no-one should be made to feel guilty for their choice.

Also studies have shown that children of full time SAHPs don't do any better than children of full time working parents.

We are in the reverse of your situation...my (male) DP earns what childcare will cost and I earn several times (5-6x) more. We do plan that he will be a SAHP but I wouldn't force or try to manipulate him into it if he doesn't want to.