I have done something terrible.

[Zubrowka]

Hi everyone, I think I might get flamed for this but my head is in such a bad space I really need to vent somewhere.

I have been with a wonderful man for just over nine years. We have been married for 3. From the beginning there have been sexual problems in our relationship – I have a much higher drive than he does, his is practically non existent, but I thought I could live with this because I love him so much. I was young, and idealistic. I was 19.

We have never argued about anything other than sex. Everything else is…a perfect match. Genuinely. The bad times have been very bad, I find it very hard to only have sex twice or three times a year, but I love him and wanted to be able to give up that part of me for him. After years of begging, arguing and cajoling he went to the doctors and had been on testosterone replacement. This hasn’t made any difference.

Over the years I have felt undesirable, unattractive and have missed being wanted. I have never, however, felt unloved. This is important.

Anyway, about 18 month ago a guy moved into my team at work. We immediately clicked. There has never been anything sexual between us until this weekend. We have just been the very best of friends. My husband had no problem with this.

So on Saturday, myself and my husband had, not argued exactly, but been a bit off with each other regarding the sex issue. I said I would go nip to my friend’s place to give us some space. (this is not unusual, we are youngish, childfree and me and this guy often have a drink/go out to eat/ spend an evening together.)

He lives in a shared house with a large bedroom that can fit in a sofa and a bed. We had a nice evening, couple of drinks, watched a bit of telly, then he went to bed, and I bedded down on the sofa in his room. I was so upset I could not stop crying. My friendship with this guy has always been tactile, it’s the sort of person I am with everyone. So in my infinite wisdom, I hopped onto the bed with him for a hug. We both lay there for a while, he was stroking my hair to comfort me, when…wow, attraction. I stopped the whole thing before we had full sex (we didn’t have a condom, but I’m 99% sure that I would have stopped things anyway). I did not stop things immediately. There was a fair amount of…groping etc etc. We then went to sleep in the same bed for the rest of the night. I came home yesterday and confessed everything.

My husband wants to forgive me, but I think he’s kidding himself things can be “fixed”. He would forgive me because he loves me so much. Sex has been withheld for so long, it was just incredible to be wanted. I am not justifying my actions, just trying to explain and make sense of them. There is no excuse for what I have done, none at all.
I don’t know what to do for the best. I know this is my own doing. And with the very worst person I could have done it with. I need some perspective. And if you've managed to read all this - thank you so much.

[NancyCarolinesHeadtorch]

Yes I did jump into a thing with a dickhead but to be fair he wasn't a dickhead for the whole time. And I didn't really realise he was a dickhead till after it was over.

But I kind of look at that one as a positive in the long run- dating a dickhead is a rite of passage which I'd missed. It showed me another type of relationship which i now know I want to avoid in future. And it meant that when I wasn't happy with the next guy (a brief 2 month relationship last year), I had no qualms about binning him off!

I know pretty clearly what I'm looking for now.and what I will and won't compromise on. That can only be a good thing!

[Zubrowka]

I love how positive you are. You sound really comfortable in your own skin. I know it's ridiculous but I feel so bloody old and past it. I wonder how ever anyone will fancy me again. Get the violins out

I've spent the day so far eating my bpdy weight in everything and easter egg hunting with my nephew. I feel...ok tbh. Not heard a thing from OM which is fine, good. Nervous for DH arriving home later as it's so hard to look at him knowing what I've done.

Chocolate

[DistanceCall]

Nervous for DH arriving home later as it's so hard to look at him knowing what I've done

Zubrowka, he has sexual urges. Just not with you. And he's allowed you to tag along for years, fully knowing that you were deeply unhappy about the situation.

In my view, what happened to you is completely normal, and it was only a matter of time. It's his behaviour that's despicable - you don't treat someone you love like that.

Please don't flog yourself over this. And leave. You only have one life. And you shouldn't have to remove one part of what you are to please someone else. That's not love.

[deadringer]

Why oh why are there always people jumping on to whine about double standards. The op has asked for advice and posters are trying to oblige, i am sure the op doesn't give a shiny shit what people would say to a man in the same situation. Sorry about the rant op you have had some good advice on here and i don't have anything helpful to add, just want to wish you good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[NancyCarolinesHeadtorch]

Thanks OP. I'm getting there with the positivity. It's relatively new!

Oh and you're younger than me. I'm 30. I was 23 when I left my fiance but 29 when it all ended with Mr Dickhead!

[Zubrowka]

Zubrowka, he has sexual urges. Just not with you

This is what has haunted me for years - if he had no urges whatsoever, this would be far far easier to deal with. I have done an awful thing but the more time goes by since it happened the more I am understanding exactly why/how it happened. DH is still utterly convinced things can be fixed - I feel like things are too far gone. He says he is happy for me to remain friends with my colleague and he trusts me for this not to happen again. I think this is really unrealistic. I would love nothing more than for everything to be ok, but I just can't see a way of that happening that makes both of us happy.

deadringer - thanks, to be honest I've read a lot of threads on here around the same subject and lots of the time there isn't double standards at all! And I know I did a horrible thing but I cracked and it's not like I've just shagged all and sundry for years behind his back. I like to think I'm a good person.

Nancy - Spring chicken! I'm 30 next year. I'm genuinely pleased for you. Hope you continue to go onwards and upwards!!

I really want us both to be happy. That's all!

[Zubrowka]

Also another question - what would you tell family/friends etc. as to why you were splitting up? Neither of us particularly want to share the real reason as neither of us want the other to be judged or questioned when there's not really any bad feeling beteeen us. You know what people can be like!

[MyUsernameIsInvalid]

Wow. A tense 5 pages. Don't know how I didn't see this thread til just now and wish I had seen sooner as I have a couple of questions.

Is he lying, or has he been really good at lying about his use of porn?
I could understand (after reading papers on the social, mental and physical affects of porn (specifically porn addiction)) if he was addicted to porn how that would affect the relationship so much.

He has ED, he doesn't seek you out, he doesn't talk about it, sounds familiar.

Also, and I mean this as literal as it sounds...

Can't you both, just step back and take a breather. Look at what you both have in the relationship, and if he's committed and wants it, make another go at trying to reconnect? For all you've done, surely you should be letting him have one more chance to change?

[Zubrowka]

Hi user!

He has lied many times and keeps lying like a cornered animal when I question him. Over the last few years I've grown up and mellowed considerably. It's not the wanking I have the biggest problem with. It's the looking at other people when he doesn't notice me and the fact that he promises to stop then just does the same thing again.

For example, a couple of years ago we went to Wales for a long weekend. It was lovely - tiny little cottage, jacuzzi bath, bedroom that could only be reached by a ladder. Soooo many great opportunities so imagine my distress when nothing happens yet on the last morning I'm clearing and packing our things and I come across a pair of boxers covered in...semen. At this point I asked him if he had had a wank. Despite the evidence he lied and kept the lie going on all the way home (we live a LONG way from Snowdonia!) I felt so disrespected, the way the cottage was laid out meant he'd basically jerked off to another woman whilst I was in the same room knowing how much it would have meant to me for him to come to me instead. God that one still rankles. I was so so so distressed.

When you say take a step back what exactly do you mean? Seperate rooms etc? I want more than anything to believe he can change but I've heard the same promises over and over again. I know he means them at the time in fairness but I don't know how to make things different.

I have no idea what I would be doing without this thread. Thanks to you all for humouring my self indulgent thoughts!

[NancyCarolinesHeadtorch]

I hope you make it onwards and upwards too.

So much of your story rings true with me. Especially romantic breaks away with no action... but I heard him sorting himself out in the shower.

I still don't know why (although I know it probably had a lot to do with his drink problem) but I'm at peace now I've accepted that it was his problem and not that I'm unattractive.

Be strong. You're doing the right thing for both of you, even if it doesn't feel like it just now.

[MyUsernameIsInvalid]

I mean, in all this emotion and confusion as to what exactly is happening (are you breaking up, are you together, how committed to staying or leaving are you both, how does everyone feel towards everything) take a step back from all that, and look at what you have. Try making the whole equation as simple as possible. Remove everything that makes it confusing and give your minds room to think without being rushed. I know the situation you are in, you need to think both logically as well as emotionally.

And this is my point about addiction, many people younger than 30 have serious issues with porn.
It will have an effect on his life, mentally how he deals with things. It's not an attack on you, it's how he tries to cope with the addiction.
If you're that close to breaking up, why not ask him, for once to be totally honest as you want to help him. And if he is to have any chance of saving this marriage then he has to tell the truth I'm guessing from what you say. If he is an addict and can admit to porn addiction then you can start to look at moving forward, if he is and is not honest then he isn't helping his case.
I would love your marriage to succeed and would never move you toward ending it. This is why I offer my advice. I've never offered advice to someone wanting to end a marriage.

[Orlandointhewilderness]

I think you have put up with being treated badly for long enough OP personally. That would break my heart, not just the action but the lying about it too. I can't imagine the hurt if my DP did the same.

[histinyhandsarefrozen]

I don't know why anyone would encourage a young woman to put up with more of this. Ten years of waiting for sex while your 'loving' partner sneaks off to wank? Awful.

Good luck with the separation op.

[Albadross]

Can I ask a genuine question to those saying a marriage without sex is a friendship - does that mean asexual people, or people who have serious psych issues that treatment hasn't helped should never get to have a romantic relationship? Or can they only be with other people who also have an issue with sex?

I went through a couple of years of similar with DH only I was struggling with PTSD and hormone changes and it was the idea of being touched by ANYONE, not him specifically, that I couldn't handle. I still masturbated because that was different somehow.

We got through it and eventually I started to feel better, but at the time all I heard was that it wasn't a marriage without sex and that I was obvious witholding it etc. I really wasn't, I still loved him and wanted intimacy, just not that kind of intimacy. Surely there are couples who can't physically have sex but they're not 'just friends' are they?

[histinyhandsarefrozen]

A happy marriage is a happy marriage - it surely doesn't matter what anyone else says.

[LucieLucie]

Op I think you have given this man far too much credit, I get the feeling you're going to find out the truth or at least some of it once you have separated and leading different lives.

The wanking in the bathroom and in the holiday cottage was very cruel given the circumstances. Something or someone else gives this man the horn, just not you.

I guess he's been free riding along as your house mate for financial security.

His internet history will be very revealing.

What you did with your work friend was natural given your age and circumstances and I think you should view it as a turning point rather than a negative.

[whatsthecomingoverthehill]

OP, I wonder if he even minds if you have sex with someone else. Whilst that sort of arrangement can work for some people I think it's pretty rare.

I think there is perhaps a little bit of 'double standards' in that the normal response to infidelity from a man is that if you are unhappy in a relationship then you should either try and fix it or leave before becoming involved with someone else. But if there are different responses it's hardly to be unexpected - this is a site primarily for women, and on the relationships board especially there are going to be lots of people who have been cheated on which is bound to colour the response. It's also likely that different people are probably drawn to different threads, so individually there aren't double standards but collectively it can seem that way.

[aproblemsharedandallthat]

Hi,

If your DH is who you want to be with and it is just the sex element that is having a negative effect on your life, then you both need to work at this. If he is able to forgive you for what has happened and you want to be with him then you can get through this. If sex is non-existent then focus on this and start from the beginning. Talking and experimenting can allow you to introduce different things (e.g toys) in to your relationship and allow him the opportunity to see things from a different perspective and it will allow you to still enjoy what it is that you like to do and even use this to stimulate him...just an idea.

If he isn't who you want to be with, for your sake and his, move on.

Good luck x

[histinyhandsarefrozen]

Why this sudden appearance of people encouraging a young woman to spend another 10 years in a sexless relationship?

[yetmorecrap]

Whilst I do realise this is no laughing matter-- Im amazed at the number of women on here who have "none interested" husbands, Ive never ever found one. My 2 husbands and 1 live in partner always had way higher sex drives than I have. Ive got to be honest and say I really have not been that bothered on a regular basis (more than a couple of times a month) since early 40's and I honestly think I would be the same if I was with george Clooney.

[Zubrowka]

Nancy the shower thing must really have hurt. I've cried myself to sleep so many times because of this - and even though, to my knowledge, it hasn't happened for a while, I just cannot forget! It's there all the time! (I'm not known for being especially rational in fairness...)

User I get what you're saying totally now. My problem lies with the fact that he won't admit anything - I've asked all the questions, it is me? asexual? gay? But I just get the same answer over and over that he just doesn't know how to change. Without some admission of what's wrong/what the problem is, I literally can not know how to deal with it.

I feel like I can't win - I give him space, I'm not being nice enough, I try it on, I'm putting pressure on etc etc.

Lucie - you're right. Something turns him on. I wish I knew what it was, I'm up for pretty much anything Gotta laugh right? I hope I do find out the whole truth, and I hope we both go on to be content, whatever that means to the pair of us.

whats I don't think he does mind. not the sex bit anyway. He's been extraordinarily calm about the whole thing. I think the thing that bother him the most is that it was with someone I'm emotionally close to. Sex wise, I honestly, hand on heart think he doesn't really mind. I might be way off the mark!

Albadross - I don't think that is the case at all. I think if both parties are on board with no sex/whatever then anything goes, as long as you're both happy! If it was a physical thing where he was unable to have sex I would be able to cope, because I love him, and it's not the lack of sex that's the hurtful bit (although my GOD I'm like a dog on heat most of the time) but the choice to not try and make things better. Obviously if he was disable or anything like that he wouldn't have the option to make that choice, so it wouldn't be an issue in the same way. I think that makes sense. Possibly not.

To the people I haven't responded directly to as of yet - sorry, I'm in the office and just about to go into a meeting. Thanks, and I am reading and taking in every word.

Is it really foolish to think we can actually be friends after all this? We talked this morning after last night descended into an argument and we are both very very sad, but we think we know we have to split up. The practicalities are overwhelming me right now, we own my bloody dream house, we have two cats and two dogs to consider, and I'm just so tired I could sleep for a month. But...I'm ok.

[Zubrowka]

Bloody hell, one thing that never changes is my ability to use 400 words when 10 would've done the same job. Sorry

[Zubrowka]

So it's pretty much official - we are separating.

It's all very friendly and I think we are both going to be ok when we come out the other side of this. I also genuinely, maybe naively, think we can, and will, remain friends. We've been living as best friends for a long time anyway, essentially.

Thanks very much to everyone for their kind and helpful words on this thread. I don't suppose you've seen the last of me. I will soon be needing all the advice I can get!!!

[NancyCarolinesHeadtorch]

Well done to both of you.

Perhaps one day you can be friends. I'd advise you give each other some space for a while though.

Hope You're as ok as you can be!

[Zubrowka]

Thanks Nancy

I'm surprisingly ok actually. I'm waiting for the hysteria to hit!

Weirdly, we are talking better to each other this week than we have for years. Go figure!

Space is going to be difficult for a while as we own a house and neither of us can afford to move out, or keep the house on alone, but that will all come in time - as I say, it's civil and friendly, but sleeping in different rooms in the same house will probably get old fairly quickly. I'm sure it will all come together in the end, and for now at least, we are on the same side so hopefully it will be as smooth as these things can be!