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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have done something terrible.

140 replies

Zubrowka · 10/04/2017 15:45

Hi everyone, I think I might get flamed for this but my head is in such a bad space I really need to vent somewhere.

I have been with a wonderful man for just over nine years. We have been married for 3. From the beginning there have been sexual problems in our relationship – I have a much higher drive than he does, his is practically non existent, but I thought I could live with this because I love him so much. I was young, and idealistic. I was 19.

We have never argued about anything other than sex. Everything else is…a perfect match. Genuinely. The bad times have been very bad, I find it very hard to only have sex twice or three times a year, but I love him and wanted to be able to give up that part of me for him. After years of begging, arguing and cajoling he went to the doctors and had been on testosterone replacement. This hasn’t made any difference.

Over the years I have felt undesirable, unattractive and have missed being wanted. I have never, however, felt unloved. This is important.

Anyway, about 18 month ago a guy moved into my team at work. We immediately clicked. There has never been anything sexual between us until this weekend. We have just been the very best of friends. My husband had no problem with this.

So on Saturday, myself and my husband had, not argued exactly, but been a bit off with each other regarding the sex issue. I said I would go nip to my friend’s place to give us some space. (this is not unusual, we are youngish, childfree and me and this guy often have a drink/go out to eat/ spend an evening together.)

He lives in a shared house with a large bedroom that can fit in a sofa and a bed. We had a nice evening, couple of drinks, watched a bit of telly, then he went to bed, and I bedded down on the sofa in his room. I was so upset I could not stop crying. My friendship with this guy has always been tactile, it’s the sort of person I am with everyone. So in my infinite wisdom, I hopped onto the bed with him for a hug. We both lay there for a while, he was stroking my hair to comfort me, when…wow, attraction. I stopped the whole thing before we had full sex (we didn’t have a condom, but I’m 99% sure that I would have stopped things anyway). I did not stop things immediately. There was a fair amount of…groping etc etc. We then went to sleep in the same bed for the rest of the night. I came home yesterday and confessed everything.

My husband wants to forgive me, but I think he’s kidding himself things can be “fixed”. He would forgive me because he loves me so much. Sex has been withheld for so long, it was just incredible to be wanted. I am not justifying my actions, just trying to explain and make sense of them. There is no excuse for what I have done, none at all.
I don’t know what to do for the best. I know this is my own doing. And with the very worst person I could have done it with. I need some perspective. And if you've managed to read all this - thank you so much.

OP posts:
brightspark2 · 10/04/2017 16:57

Oh and kudos to Mr Z for having the courage and honesty to post!! It bodes well for psychosexual counselling.

DameDeDoubtance · 10/04/2017 17:00

Seriously, it shouldn't be this hard or this angsty.

TrippyMcTrapFace · 10/04/2017 17:01

Ok so I've left work and am commuting home so on my phone

to explain the change in IP address. Hmm

NeonGod73 · 10/04/2017 17:02

Everybody, go away with your counselling advices! Counselling will not make them a matching couple. It will not give him a higher sex drive. Counselling is just theory and talking. It doesn't solve problems like this.

amusedbush · 10/04/2017 17:04

I've posted about this before but I'm 27 and DH and I have not had sex in an embarrassingly long time. Years. Plural.

I love the bones of him (so to speak Grin) and I know he adores me but he has absolutely no sex drive due to anxiety, which he point blank refuses to see the GP for. I have cried, begged and pleaded, I've told him that he's being fucking selfish not to get help when it affects us in such a massive way but he still won't go.

I haven't cheated on him and I have no intention of doing so, but please don't think it hasn't crossed my mind. It would be so easy to go out and do that. I don't want to, but I can see so easily how you got into the situation that you did.

I wish I had some sage advice. It's shit.

Original poster
Zubrowka · 10/04/2017 17:07

I'm not a troll. I see why you might think that. I posted the first post from work the rest from my phone and my husband posted from...I dont know! His phone or our laptop. He's at home. Presumably that would give 3 IP addresses if you to report me. I have no idea how it works!!! Thanks for all the helpful posts. I'm still here and in listening and my husband has requested his post be deleted. I could make up a far better story than this if i was a troll I promise!

OP posts:
Original poster
Zubrowka · 10/04/2017 17:08

Thanks amused. I'm so sorry you're in this situation too. I wish I could help.

OP posts:
amusedbush · 10/04/2017 17:12

Yesterday I plucked up the courage to show him a lingerie set online (nothing outrageous, just a bralet and high waisted knickers) and asked if he liked it. He immediately got shirty and said, "what are you asking me that for? What do you want me to say? You're just putting pressure on me!" Angry he never wants to talk about it and it makes me feel like some sort of nympho for wanting sex with my husband.

Does your DH watch porn? I've found my DH's porn twice now, so I know that he still thinks about sex, just not with me Sad

GwenStaceyRocks · 10/04/2017 17:16

NeonGod of course counselling is hopeless in situations like this. It's much better to post on MN (during the holidays) and get your OH to post too. Everyone knows that's the best way to deal with mismatched sex drives and cheating . . .Hmm

Except counselling isn't just talking. There are different types of counselling. And even if you're splitting up, counselling can help to make that process easier.

Brandnewstart · 10/04/2017 17:16

I lived in a practically sexless marriage for 12 years. It was soul destroying. I felt shit about myself but stayed as we have two children. The bastard then cheated on me!!!! He is now living with the OW and I am in a relationship where we have sex a lot Smile. It took several months to build up my confidence and get me back to where I had been before I was married - a very sexual person who enjoyed sex.
I'll never really understand my exh behaviour but it nearly broke me. We had so much in common but for some reason he didn't want to have sex with me.

IsodoraDunking · 10/04/2017 17:17

OP The classic advice- and if you really have had counselling you ought to have been told this- is to back off.
Leave it. Don't talk about it. Wait for your DH to come to you for sex. You need to take the pressure off him.

The next classic advice is you start touching each other but not genitals. You can kiss , stroke, massage , but not genitalia. This can carry on for weeks. So the idea is you get into bed, agree to give each pleasure with a massage etc but no sexual touching.

Then after a while you start touching genitalia but no penetration. Again, this can go on for days or weeks.

Eventually when you are both 'ready' you can have full sex.

I'm a bit surprised you have not been advised on this by counsellors- maybe they weren't sex counsellors- as what I've written is very standard stuff.

floraeasy · 10/04/2017 17:19

I don't think the OP has asked us to counsel her online. It's like any other thread - she is in distress and is posting just as a start. I am sure many posters have onto professional help, perhaps using their first post here as a springboard.

The Internet is so easy, so anonymous - it's often the first port of call for people in a difficult situation. I wish to God I'd had it in my younger years!

Adora10 · 10/04/2017 17:20

Amuse, for your own sanity and self worth you need to leave him; he's never even going to meet you a quarter of the way, never mind half; he's watching porn yet shuts you down when you mention sex, nah, that's not a man that has your interests at heart I'm afraid.

GwenStaceyRocks · 10/04/2017 17:26

flora the OP's OH is now posting on the thread too. That makes it quite different from most MN threads.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 10/04/2017 17:42

amused that must be very upsetting for you. From the OP's posts, and her DH's, I'm understanding that he's not interested in sex at all - so no porn, no masturbation etc.?

That's bad enough, but knowing that your DH is interested in sex - but not having it with you - must be a relationship ender surely? Flowers

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 10/04/2017 17:45

I am currently on a dry spell 9 years. But I'm happily single and not into one night stands. I've never had a high sex drive, but still want it way more than 2 or 3 times a year! I've always picked partners who were 'safe' and loved me, but the passion was never there. I have promised myself that next time I date someone, if the physical attraction is not there, it's not going to happen.

I know you love him, but to me your relationship sounds more like 'friends without benefits'. It's not a healthy or satisfying way to life. Friends with benefits (because your partner should obvs be your friend) is much better Grin.

DeadGood · 10/04/2017 17:49

"a cheat is a cheat, never an excuse"

Yawn... life isn't black and white.

I don't have any advice OP, except that I totally get why you did it.

IHeartDodo · 10/04/2017 18:30

Am I missing something? Which post was the Dh?

amusedbush · 10/04/2017 18:41

SantasLittleMonkeyButler

We almost ended over it, yes. The problem is that I still love him with all my heart and every other aspect of our relationship is great, so it becomes too easy to overlook this massive, glaring issue.

His anxiety is terrible and I've witnessed many panic attacks. He's a wreck sometimes and has awful slumps of depression. Sadly all of this works together to either kill his sex drive, or makes it very difficult for him to sustain an erection. He gets one but then he starts panicking about keeping it, he overthinks and it goes away. He's too embarrassed to try in case it doesn't work and then I've witnessed it Sad

brightspark2 · 10/04/2017 18:45

IHeart - OP's DH posted under her name but she got flamed for him posting on her thread so he had his post taken down - shame, because it showed a good insight into both sides and how much he wanted to resolve their mutual issue.

IHeartDodo · 10/04/2017 19:08

Oh right thanks, thought I was just being dense!

DistanceCall · 10/04/2017 20:56

The absence of desire kills a relationship, and is soul-destroying. I am very sorry, OP. But there is no fixing this. Don't waste your precious, only life.

Isetan · 11/04/2017 02:05

This is one of those 'our relationship would be perfect if it wasn't for the one tiny but huge thing, that makes our relationship anything but perfect'. There's nothing noble about sacrificing your sexual needs on the altar of your marriage and your infidelity clearly suggests that you can't keep it up.

No one is driven to cheat, it's always a choice despite the excuses made. The price for being with your H is sexual frustration, accept it, negotiate an open relationship or end it. Cheating is cowardly and a refusal to accept the.choice you've made to stay in a relationship with someone who you've sexuality incompatible with.

I think both you and your H need to put big person pants on and start addressing your issues and if either of you can't or won't compromise, then end it before you hurt each other more than you've already have.

Original poster
Zubrowka · 11/04/2017 10:27

Thanks everyone. I deserve any and all of the harsher things that have been said, in fact I am surprised there has not been more flaming going on.

As for the question as to whether he is interested in sex at all – there have been numerous times when he’s sorted himself out, using pictures on the internet. I know very well that I have no right to have a say in what he does to/with his own body, and I know masturbation and sex are two separate things, but to know he is in the bathroom or wherever getting himself off when I am in bed lonely is really, really hurtful. Logic is hard to hold onto in these situations! As far as I can tell he doesn’t do this very often. And as I say, my reaction to this has been illogical, emotional and sometimes really bloody shouty.

Isadora I have tried backing off, sometimes for months at a time, and waiting for him to come to me, but it never happens. He is very physically affectionate in every day life, it’s just when it comes to proper kissing, and anything and more sexual when he freezes me out. In his defence, I’m not even sure that he knows he is doing it. He just seems to genuinely not really think about or want it.

God I am so confused. I have lost my husband and my best friend in one stupid, stupid action.

OP posts:
floraeasy · 11/04/2017 10:36

there have been numerous times when he’s sorted himself out, using pictures on the internet...to know he is in the bathroom or wherever getting himself off when I am in bed lonely is really, really hurtful

So he's not asexual then? This is getting interesting. Why would he rather masturbate than have sex with you, knowing how frustrating you find this situation? Hmm.

Is he passive-aggressive in any way, OP?

All this time, he HAS had sexual feelings - he just refuses to direct them towards you!

Then you let the situation with the other man go too far and cheated and he can shout, "GOTCHA".

This relationship sounds very unhealthy to me Hmm