Hi everyone, I think I might get flamed for this but my head is in such a bad space I really need to vent somewhere.
I have been with a wonderful man for just over nine years. We have been married for 3. From the beginning there have been sexual problems in our relationship – I have a much higher drive than he does, his is practically non existent, but I thought I could live with this because I love him so much. I was young, and idealistic. I was 19.
We have never argued about anything other than sex. Everything else is…a perfect match. Genuinely. The bad times have been very bad, I find it very hard to only have sex twice or three times a year, but I love him and wanted to be able to give up that part of me for him. After years of begging, arguing and cajoling he went to the doctors and had been on testosterone replacement. This hasn’t made any difference.
Over the years I have felt undesirable, unattractive and have missed being wanted. I have never, however, felt unloved. This is important.
Anyway, about 18 month ago a guy moved into my team at work. We immediately clicked. There has never been anything sexual between us until this weekend. We have just been the very best of friends. My husband had no problem with this.
So on Saturday, myself and my husband had, not argued exactly, but been a bit off with each other regarding the sex issue. I said I would go nip to my friend’s place to give us some space. (this is not unusual, we are youngish, childfree and me and this guy often have a drink/go out to eat/ spend an evening together.)
He lives in a shared house with a large bedroom that can fit in a sofa and a bed. We had a nice evening, couple of drinks, watched a bit of telly, then he went to bed, and I bedded down on the sofa in his room. I was so upset I could not stop crying. My friendship with this guy has always been tactile, it’s the sort of person I am with everyone. So in my infinite wisdom, I hopped onto the bed with him for a hug. We both lay there for a while, he was stroking my hair to comfort me, when…wow, attraction. I stopped the whole thing before we had full sex (we didn’t have a condom, but I’m 99% sure that I would have stopped things anyway). I did not stop things immediately. There was a fair amount of…groping etc etc. We then went to sleep in the same bed for the rest of the night. I came home yesterday and confessed everything.
My husband wants to forgive me, but I think he’s kidding himself things can be “fixed”. He would forgive me because he loves me so much. Sex has been withheld for so long, it was just incredible to be wanted. I am not justifying my actions, just trying to explain and make sense of them. There is no excuse for what I have done, none at all.
I don’t know what to do for the best. I know this is my own doing. And with the very worst person I could have done it with. I need some perspective. And if you've managed to read all this - thank you so much.
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Relationships
I have done something terrible.
Zubrowka · 10/04/2017 15:45
At least you can force a house sale now and come off the mortgage. Get the ball rolling sooner rather than later in case she moves in with her kids - the courts wouldn't want the kids to lose "their" house if they've been living there a while.
What a completely fucking bastard he is op, a first class lying bastard.
As for your 'friend', she's a first class bitch, isn't she?
I'm so sorry, what a hideous shock.
and a big hug op x
Oh I love you guys. I may have lost my dignity slightly when I shouted at him that she told me she wanted great sex when she split from her husband and now my revenge is that as long as they are together she will never ever get it 
Of course in my head this isn't true - in my head he's never wanted me as he always wanted her and I was just someone who was convenient to have around for money/company whatever but man it felt good to drop my adult behaviour for a moment and let rip!
I can't stop crying. Last night I know it sounds dramatic but I genuinely think I was in shock. I couldn't stop shaking to the point I couldn't bloody stand up.
I suffer quite badly from depression and eating disorders. They are mostly under control but I had a wobble last night. A bad bad bad one. Somewhere underneath I do know I will be better off in the long run I just wish he hadn't felt the need to taint my happy memories I have of the last decade. I was head over heels for him despite our issues.
Also at "sneaky wank man"
And over my actual decaying rotting dead body will her and her kids (who I love dearly in fairness - this is obviously not their fault and I will miss them hugely) be moving into my dream house with him.
It's weird an earlier poster said she thought there might be more to it that comes out once you are separated! Boy was she right!
I'm so sorry OP, what an utter shit he is. Thank goodness you finished it sooner rather than later.
Wonder who his new lodger's going to be then 
Well now she can be frustrated with sneaky wank man. You're well rid op, he's an arsehole
Have they been having an affair all this time? Is that why he wouldn't sleep with you? Disgusting pair.
HI everyone! Just thought I'd give you all an update. I move out this weekend into my own place!
We can't afford to sell the house so he's staying there and getting a lodger and I get to have a whole place to myself 
It was my choice to move out, I'm a complete introvert and whoever stayed in the house needed to get a lodger as the mortgage is more than rent. I'm staying on the mortgage, and although things are super amicable at the moment, we are going to get it done properly just in case...I'm hoping we will be friends forever but y'know....
It's amazing. The change in us both is incredible. We have spent a lot of time together (obviously, we still live together) and we are like different people. We are getting on so well without any of the pressure we felt when we were together. I'm really enjoying his company as my friend, which is essentially what we've been for a long time!
Thanks for all the lovely words throughout this thread. I'm so glad we were brave enough to do this!
Well done to both of you.
Perhaps one day you can be friends. I'd advise you give each other some space for a while though.
Hope You're as ok as you can be!
Bloody hell, one thing that never changes is my ability to use 400 words when 10 would've done the same job. Sorry
Nancy the shower thing must really have hurt. I've cried myself to sleep so many times because of this - and even though, to my knowledge, it hasn't happened for a while, I just cannot forget! It's there all the time! (I'm not known for being especially rational in fairness...)
User I get what you're saying totally now. My problem lies with the fact that he won't admit anything - I've asked all the questions, it is me? asexual? gay? But I just get the same answer over and over that he just doesn't know how to change. Without some admission of what's wrong/what the problem is, I literally can not know how to deal with it.
I feel like I can't win - I give him space, I'm not being nice enough, I try it on, I'm putting pressure on etc etc.
Lucie - you're right. Something turns him on. I wish I knew what it was, I'm up for pretty much anything Gotta laugh right? I hope I do find out the whole truth, and I hope we both go on to be content, whatever that means to the pair of us.
whats I don't think he does mind. not the sex bit anyway. He's been extraordinarily calm about the whole thing. I think the thing that bother him the most is that it was with someone I'm emotionally close to. Sex wise, I honestly, hand on heart think he doesn't really mind. I might be way off the mark!
Albadross - I don't think that is the case at all. I think if both parties are on board with no sex/whatever then anything goes, as long as you're both happy! If it was a physical thing where he was unable to have sex I would be able to cope, because I love him, and it's not the lack of sex that's the hurtful bit (although my GOD I'm like a dog on heat most of the time) but the choice to not try and make things better. Obviously if he was disable or anything like that he wouldn't have the option to make that choice, so it wouldn't be an issue in the same way. I think that makes sense. Possibly not.
To the people I haven't responded directly to as of yet - sorry, I'm in the office and just about to go into a meeting. Thanks, and I am reading and taking in every word.
Is it really foolish to think we can actually be friends after all this? We talked this morning after last night descended into an argument and we are both very very sad, but we think we know we have to split up. The practicalities are overwhelming me right now, we own my bloody dream house, we have two cats and two dogs to consider, and I'm just so tired I could sleep for a month. But...I'm ok.
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Hi,
If your DH is who you want to be with and it is just the sex element that is having a negative effect on your life, then you both need to work at this. If he is able to forgive you for what has happened and you want to be with him then you can get through this. If sex is non-existent then focus on this and start from the beginning. Talking and experimenting can allow you to introduce different things (e.g toys) in to your relationship and allow him the opportunity to see things from a different perspective and it will allow you to still enjoy what it is that you like to do and even use this to stimulate him...just an idea.
If he isn't who you want to be with, for your sake and his, move on.
Good luck x
Op I think you have given this man far too much credit, I get the feeling you're going to find out the truth or at least some of it once you have separated and leading different lives.
The wanking in the bathroom and in the holiday cottage was very cruel given the circumstances. Something or someone else gives this man the horn, just not you.
I guess he's been free riding along as your house mate for financial security.
His internet history will be very revealing.
What you did with your work friend was natural given your age and circumstances and I think you should view it as a turning point rather than a negative.
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