I have done something terrible.

[Zubrowka]

Hi everyone, I think I might get flamed for this but my head is in such a bad space I really need to vent somewhere.

I have been with a wonderful man for just over nine years. We have been married for 3. From the beginning there have been sexual problems in our relationship – I have a much higher drive than he does, his is practically non existent, but I thought I could live with this because I love him so much. I was young, and idealistic. I was 19.

We have never argued about anything other than sex. Everything else is…a perfect match. Genuinely. The bad times have been very bad, I find it very hard to only have sex twice or three times a year, but I love him and wanted to be able to give up that part of me for him. After years of begging, arguing and cajoling he went to the doctors and had been on testosterone replacement. This hasn’t made any difference.

Over the years I have felt undesirable, unattractive and have missed being wanted. I have never, however, felt unloved. This is important.

Anyway, about 18 month ago a guy moved into my team at work. We immediately clicked. There has never been anything sexual between us until this weekend. We have just been the very best of friends. My husband had no problem with this.

So on Saturday, myself and my husband had, not argued exactly, but been a bit off with each other regarding the sex issue. I said I would go nip to my friend’s place to give us some space. (this is not unusual, we are youngish, childfree and me and this guy often have a drink/go out to eat/ spend an evening together.)

He lives in a shared house with a large bedroom that can fit in a sofa and a bed. We had a nice evening, couple of drinks, watched a bit of telly, then he went to bed, and I bedded down on the sofa in his room. I was so upset I could not stop crying. My friendship with this guy has always been tactile, it’s the sort of person I am with everyone. So in my infinite wisdom, I hopped onto the bed with him for a hug. We both lay there for a while, he was stroking my hair to comfort me, when…wow, attraction. I stopped the whole thing before we had full sex (we didn’t have a condom, but I’m 99% sure that I would have stopped things anyway). I did not stop things immediately. There was a fair amount of…groping etc etc. We then went to sleep in the same bed for the rest of the night. I came home yesterday and confessed everything.

My husband wants to forgive me, but I think he’s kidding himself things can be “fixed”. He would forgive me because he loves me so much. Sex has been withheld for so long, it was just incredible to be wanted. I am not justifying my actions, just trying to explain and make sense of them. There is no excuse for what I have done, none at all.
I don’t know what to do for the best. I know this is my own doing. And with the very worst person I could have done it with. I need some perspective. And if you've managed to read all this - thank you so much.

Zubrowka

I can't believe how similar our situations are. I've backed off and left him to it for months at a time but he just seems relieved, like I'm finally off his back about it. He's very cuddly and affectionate, he compliments me and tells me he loves me but it's like he's terrified if he snogs me, I'll take it as a green light for other things.

It's really fucking hurtful knowing that he's watching porn and sorting himself out while I'm at work (he does early shifts so he's home mid-afternoon, I get home much later) while totally ignoring what I need.

www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction. In other words, stonewalling is when one person shuts down and closes himself/herself off from the other. It is a lack of responsiveness to your partner and the interaction between the two of you. Rather than confronting the issues (which tend to accumulate!) with our partner, we make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive behaviors. It takes time for the negativity created by the first three horsemen to become overwhelming enough that stonewalling becomes an understandable “out,” but when it does, it frequently becomes a habit.

So he's not asexual then? This is getting interesting. Why would he rather masturbate than have sex with you, knowing how frustrating you find this situation? Hmm. I'm not sure. This is the never ending, never truly answered question. He says he wouldn't rather have a wank than come to me (although I would argue years of actions tell a different story), but he doesn't know how to approach me anymore. The thing is, I'm not a bad person. I have never ever laughed at him, or ridiculed him when he couldn't keep his erection or anything. I only get mad when he doesn't even try. Is that fair?

amused are you me? We curl round each other on the sofa every evening, and spoon all night in bed. I just don't even bother going in for a snog any more as I both don't want to pressure him, and I don't want him to just "give in" and kiss me back but be hating it. The thought of forcing him into something is awful.

flora that link is really very interesting. I am not an innocent in all this, I could have dealt with things better. I'm just at breaking point with frustration.

No words of wisdom or advice, except to say I was with someone for 5 years with a low drive (in this case he was gay but not out yet) and it affected my self esteem terribly for years, I think even to this day. Sometimes staying is not worth it

My self esteem is on the floor - and the worst thing ever is that what I did has, in a disgusting way, made me feel, underneath all the pain, a tiny bit better about myself and how I look etc etc. What a dickhead I am. I am ashamed to admit that.

It must've been very hard for you to come to terms with that Boogie. I'm sorry you were in that position.

thedancingbear

No double standards here. I'd say the same to a guy posting something about his partner along the same lines. Leave, before your self esteem is on the floor, if it isn't already. And I wouldn't blame anyone for looking elsewhere if their partner was withholding sex. Nothing more soul destroying. Frankly, if you refuse to have sex with your partner more than a few times a year, what do you bloody expect

So we've talked and are having a trial separation. He's going back to his parents (they live four hours away so staying overnight is normal!) For the long Easter weekend and I'm planning a weekend with my cats, kindle and possibly a night out with work friends (not him).

I think we both know where this is heading, however right now emotions are running so high I just want to take a step back and have a few days without endless questions and the need to make any more bloody decisions.

I've obviously seen my colleague at work. Things are civil. I'm going to miss his friendship so much but that's definitely a price I deserve to pay for my actions. DH is blaming himself for what happened. I blame noone but myself.

I shouldn't have done what I did but it should meet have got to the point that I did it IYSWIM.

Thanks to everyone. I will keep updating this thread in the hope of more input and advice.

Good luck op,

your happiness is important. Don't try to suppress what you need to be content.

Best to face it.... some people withold sex its a control thing... if a person witholds sex from their partner who needs or wants sex ... it serves as a weapon. For some reason the partner that wants sex will stay? using every reason to stay even when they are in a sad situation. There is research to prove this. If the witholder doesnt want to change its best to make your own life... one that makes you feel good. Your human you slept over with another guy.. not the end of the world.. find happiness .. life is short and fantastic sex is one of lifes pleasures. In or out of marriage... last time I looked it was 2017.

My self esteem is on the floor - and the worst thing ever is that what I did has, in a disgusting way, made me feel, underneath all the pain, a tiny bit better about myself and how I look etc etc. What a dickhead I am. I am ashamed to admit that.

OP, you are not a dickhead. Your husband knew that you were unhappy and begging him for something which he felt he could not give you. He didn't deal with the matter but buried his head in the sand, hoping that it would just go away.

You are human. You were at breaking point. You never meant to hurt anyone. Be kind to yourself. Both now and going ahead. Your needs and desires matter.

Please dont punish yourself people make mistakes...you will get past this... work through it ....personally I believe in marriage however it has to work both ways for both parties.... its not meant to be a crutch for one person who cannot function or something people can hide in... its a journey and sexual happiness is a part of it........

Look OP, you need a clean break. You have had 9 years of this, and you are wasting your life, your blooming twenties, on this man.

I did not read his post. But just because he feels inadequate and insecure, you dont HAVE to go to sexual counselling with him, not after all this. You dont owe him that.

You dont have kids yet, you are not stuck with him. You are mismatched, and your colleague has given you a taste of what is normal between two people. You will probably never get that with your husband. You will just wilter and fade while you wait for him to "work on it" - it will take forever while he gets to keep you hanging.

Move on.

You can't carry on living like this, as much as your love your H it's a big issue for you that's never going to go away. You can't resolve an issue when the main problem remains the same. It's very difficult - I can well understand why you found yourself in the situation with your friend, not that I'm saying its right it's not

OP I have zero tolerance for cheating. I am the first to say LTB if cheating is involved, but your situation must have been soul destroying. I cannot imagine being in a sexless relationship, your self esteem must be on the floor. I think you know where this will end up and I don't think anyone should be expected to live like that for the rest of their lives. God luck.

You're all right, I can't carry on like this. It's so hard to face up to. I feel like such a coward for letting things drag on for so long.

Someone said earlier something along the lines of my husband isn't wrong, and neither am I. That's a lovely way to look at it. We both love each other very much and I would never ever want things to be acrimonious between us.

The whole thing is just...sad isn't it?

For what it's worth, I think you're doing the right thing, OP!

Yes, pp is right - you don't have to make your husband wrong and he doesn't have to make you wrong for you both to agree it's just not working.

Now friendship is another matter entirely. You could perhaps salvage a friendship from all this but there is a lot to work through first.

The whole situation has come to a climax (pardon the pun!) now but things can only get better from here on out. At least now, you are no longer living a lie.

And op, you know most women wouldn't want a relationship like this. You are not odd or abnormal in any way to want a regular sexual relationship with your partner.

I love him and wanted to be able to give up that part of me for him.

Oh love, never, EVER do that. It never ends well, for anyone.

He's clearly not asexual. He just, to put it vulgarly, isn't into you - perhaps because he's into men, perhaps because he fancies a completely type of woman, perhaps because he has a fetish which he feels he cannot tell you about.

But he hasn't behaved well towards you. He knew you were extremely unhappy, and allowed it. And he never discussed this properly with you. I think your love is rather one-sided (on your side), to be honest.

I am doing a terrible job at work today. My lovely boss just had to pull me to one side to see if I was ok. I'm not doing a very good job of holding it together tbh. Least I've now got a 5 day weekend to try and sort myself out.

Thanks flora I really hope that we can be friends. I am depiring of losing him altogether.

Distance that was a hard post to read, although it was well meant - thank you. I needed to hear all that!

Please someone tell me this gets better/easier

Despairing obviously

It does get easier. I absolutely promise you that it does.

It's not been smooth. I ended up dating an idiot who had no respect for me after XP and I hit rock bottom when that went tits up. For a long long time I wanted answers about why XP wouldnt have sex with me. (He was another one using porn. Loads) and after it ended with the next guy I questioned why I wasn't good enough for him.

But finally, at the end of last year, I felt I was coming out of it and in the last few weeks I've found myself genuinely happy and content in myself and ready to find the right person. I've been on a few dates and have finally acquired some self confidence. I still have bad days, but they're fewer and fewer.

You can do it

OP you've really been through the mill - I can completely relate. Only I was in a sexless marriage for 11 years (although we had 3 kids together)

The amount of people who tried to make me feel bad about mourning a non-existing sex life was incredible and very very sanctimonious.

Suffice to say, we are hurtling towards the divorce courts - his attitude to sex was part of a bigger controlling personality defect.

Got back on the horse in January. Perfunctory arrangement but boy did I enjoy it!! Im a sexual person, love it and love men (which scares me a bit)

Anyway, Im waffling. OP all the very best to you and stay strong

Distance that was a good post I think. Hit the nail on the head.

Oh op, will be thinking of you.

I'm back. Was finding it very hard to read this! So DH has been gone since yesterday morning and won't be back until late tomorrow. I've spent time yesterday baking, reading and I also may have drunk far too much last night but...

Today I've had family round for a cuppa and they invited me to theirs for Easter Sunday dinner. I'm taking my baked creations as a thank you.

Not sure why I feel the need to tell you all that. There have been moments of panic and quite a number of tears but this time to myself is proving to be useful.

Nancy that's a fear of mine. That'd I'd jump straight to some dickhead just for the feeling of not being alone. It sounds like you are doing so well though. You and forwards sound inspirational. Forwards good for you getting back on the horse. I love men too. Most of my friends are blokes which is why I never thought this would happen as I've quite easily had friendships with men before.

orlando you're right it was a good post. And thanks.

The guilt is astonishing. I know I deserve it but Jesus. I'm mortified to lose him as a friend too which shouldn't even be on my radar surely. Gawd what a mess. Hair of the dog anyone?

Be the last 'him ' I meant my colleague obviously. I'm making little to no sense today