I have done something terrible.

[Zubrowka]

Hi everyone, I think I might get flamed for this but my head is in such a bad space I really need to vent somewhere.

I have been with a wonderful man for just over nine years. We have been married for 3. From the beginning there have been sexual problems in our relationship – I have a much higher drive than he does, his is practically non existent, but I thought I could live with this because I love him so much. I was young, and idealistic. I was 19.

We have never argued about anything other than sex. Everything else is…a perfect match. Genuinely. The bad times have been very bad, I find it very hard to only have sex twice or three times a year, but I love him and wanted to be able to give up that part of me for him. After years of begging, arguing and cajoling he went to the doctors and had been on testosterone replacement. This hasn’t made any difference.

Over the years I have felt undesirable, unattractive and have missed being wanted. I have never, however, felt unloved. This is important.

Anyway, about 18 month ago a guy moved into my team at work. We immediately clicked. There has never been anything sexual between us until this weekend. We have just been the very best of friends. My husband had no problem with this.

So on Saturday, myself and my husband had, not argued exactly, but been a bit off with each other regarding the sex issue. I said I would go nip to my friend’s place to give us some space. (this is not unusual, we are youngish, childfree and me and this guy often have a drink/go out to eat/ spend an evening together.)

He lives in a shared house with a large bedroom that can fit in a sofa and a bed. We had a nice evening, couple of drinks, watched a bit of telly, then he went to bed, and I bedded down on the sofa in his room. I was so upset I could not stop crying. My friendship with this guy has always been tactile, it’s the sort of person I am with everyone. So in my infinite wisdom, I hopped onto the bed with him for a hug. We both lay there for a while, he was stroking my hair to comfort me, when…wow, attraction. I stopped the whole thing before we had full sex (we didn’t have a condom, but I’m 99% sure that I would have stopped things anyway). I did not stop things immediately. There was a fair amount of…groping etc etc. We then went to sleep in the same bed for the rest of the night. I came home yesterday and confessed everything.

My husband wants to forgive me, but I think he’s kidding himself things can be “fixed”. He would forgive me because he loves me so much. Sex has been withheld for so long, it was just incredible to be wanted. I am not justifying my actions, just trying to explain and make sense of them. There is no excuse for what I have done, none at all.
I don’t know what to do for the best. I know this is my own doing. And with the very worst person I could have done it with. I need some perspective. And if you've managed to read all this - thank you so much.

[NotYoda]

I'd like to add that this didn't just happen OP. You've put yourself in a position where it was inevitable. Ever since you met this man. One of you needs to have some guts now

[Renaissance2017]

His hands and mouth aren't broken though, even if he has ED-what's to stop him being intimate and satisfying you in other ways?

So no double standards on MN? Imagine the above sentence being used to a woman who doesn't fancy sex with her husband? If a man suggested that to his wife the cries of LTB would echo to the moon.

[ApplePaltrow21]

He's clearly asexual. it's a real thing.

Either open your relationship or leave.

[NotYoda]

Apple

I was wondering that

[HelenaGWells]

If a couple are massively mismatched in terms of sex drive the only sensible solutions are:

Counselling/medical support if this is needed to overcome a physical issue or an issue that needs to be talked through with a Professional.

The high sex drive partner satisfies themselves in an alternative way with the FULL support of the other person.

The relationship ends and/or becomes simply a Friendship.

A total mismatch is not sustainable long term. Lots of people go through ups and
Downs but if there's never been an "up" it's very difficult. A relationship with no sex at all is a friendship. If you are happy with a friendship that's great but if you aren't them
You need to reevaluate.

[Adora10]

Apple is right.

[SirVixofVixHall]

You are in your 20's, sex two or three times a year would be hard for most people to cope with. I have a good friend who ended a relationship with a man she was a perfect fit for in every other way, for just this reason and at the same age. They ended up being very close best friends. If hormone therapy hasn't helped, has your husband had any other sort of therapy? Could he have been abused for instance? Or could he be gay and trying to bury it? In long marriages when babies come along, sex does sometimes go on the back burner for a while, and it certainly isn't the be all and end all in a relationship, but you are so young, I can't see how this is the relationship for you now, unless things shift.

[IsodoraDunking]

You need to leave your marriage.

I was in a relationship in my early 20s for 5 years with a man who had sexual issues- mainly psychological.

We didn't live together and weren't married.

I experienced something like you- we were 'soul mates' in every way but in the time we were together we had sex a handful of times. We talked and talked and sought professional help...

In the end I started seeing someone else who was a FWB. It didn't go anywhere but it gave me confidence to move on from the relationship and realise I'd wasted a lot of time.

I think you knew what you were up to when you went to see your friend and stay overnight. Platonic things like this are rarely purely platonic. I wonder if you actually put yourself in that situation in order to force a change on yourself? Crying and getting into another man's bed is not the smartest move if you are trying to be faithful, is it?

[sparechange]

His hands and mouth aren't broken though, even if he has ED - what's stopping him being intimate with and satisfying you in other ways?

I don't think it is ED. It's low sex drive, for which he has been prescribed testosterone.

If he doesn't have a sex drive, he doesn't have a drive for sexual activity. That includes using his mouth and hands.
Just like when women aren't in the mood, they shouldn't have to use their mouth or hands either.

[CherriesInTheSnow]

Wow, when you said infrequent sex, I thought you might mean only a couple of times a month, and I still sympathised with you then..

I think you need to consider if you can live the rest of your life like this, as cruel as it may seem if everything else works so well. It's realistically not going to get better if his sex drive is already this low. I believe that in a romantic relationship your sex life is an equally important factor, and you are clearly not satisfied, nor have you been for a long time. I don't want to justify cheating, but really you are going to be looking for encounters like this on some level, realistically.

It really is a hard place to be in. I personally would be backing away at the prospect of such little sex for the rest of my life, so would feel like cutting my losses early on, before there were children involved etc. Maybe you can even remain amicable and still maintain a connection. But the lack of sex goes deeper; it makes you, in your own words, feel unattractive and undesired, which will effect your self esteem. If he is unwilling to work on that in any way with you, then I would also ask myself if he valued and cared for me completely, if he is unwilling to address this problem as well. Good luck

[Zubrowka]

Ok so I've left work and am commuting home so on my phone which is a pain in the arse to negotiate. Apologies if I miss any questions. I'm not deliberately avoiding answering anything!


To the poster who said I'd reached breaking point. This is exactly how I feel. I haven't always been perfect by a long shot but I have always tried to understand. If it was anything else, any other issue that didn't affect me so badly I would be so much better at helping and supporting. I just can't thunk of anything but how horny I am. I'm like a dog on heat. I just dont go to my husband as I don't want to pressure him and frankly I cant take being ignored or rejected anymore, however nicely it is done.

To the people asking if I could let him satisfy me with his mouth/ hands. I cant think of anything that turns me less than having sexual contact with someone who isnt that in to it. I'd never put him in that position as I don't want to make him do anything he doesn't want to. He feels awful about sex. My point to him is that I can live with the issues of we can work on resolving them. But all that happens in reality is that we discuss things, he promises to try harder, this never happens. He is not a dickhead and I know he is genuinely struggling.

I also agree with the fact that me and my colleague have put ourselves in a crappy, unacceptable situation by being so close. I never in a million years thought I'd be attracted to him in this way of that if any justification at all. He doesn't want a relationship at all and I certainly don't want one with him. We would be a car crash as anything other than friends.

As for the other suggestions - I am sure he isn't gay, I have asked him this myself and i believe him. I have pursued asexuality with him though as when I was browsing the internet looking for answers the website - is it Aven?? - was like reading a description of my husband. He says he isn't but a lot of the time he tells me what I want to hear in a misguided way of protecting me I think.

To anyone I've missed I'll try and answer as soon as I can and to the people who have shared their experiences, it's awful to say but thank God we aren't alone. This is so hard.

[floraeasy]

For your relationship to work, one of your has to do/not do something they don't want to do/not do.

Up until now, that has been your wife.

I don't see how this relationship can work.

Could you try going back to the doctor/get counselling/whatever to get to the bottom of this? It's not normal and your wife cannot be expected to just accept it, no matter how much she loves you.

You may have to love her enough to let her go, I'm afraid.

[floraeasy]

If you don't want sex with your wife, surely you could be happy just being friends? Since that's what you are at the moment anyway?

[Catherinebee85]

It doesn't sound like his sex drive is going to change so it's now a choice. Do you love him enough to do without regular sex? I know I couldn't do it!

Is it genuinely a sex drive thing? Will he discuss it? Could there be anything else?

I think if you don't leave him you'll end up in a full blown affair. Sex is important and it would only be worse if you ever have children etc. From what you say, you'd be miserable. The answer is simple if you've explored every avenue....You're just not compatible!

[MumBod]

You've done something totally understandable in my opinion, OP.

Your marriage is extremely unhealthy.

Don't be hard on yourself.

[GwenStaceyRocks]

MN isn't the place for online couples' counselling.
Relate offer an online service or you could both go to counselling in RL. During the holidays, MN has a lot of trolls.

[Zubrowka]

I tried to old chestnut 'show them this thread' not expecting him to post on it apologies i know this isn't the place to come for counselling.

[Zubrowka]

And...I wish to God I was trolling honestly. This is my life!

[AnyFucker]

Oh, fgs

[Zubrowka]

Fgs indeed. Sorry.

[CherriesInTheSnow]

Wow is that really OP's OH?

Well I guess a lot of us will have different opinions having heard your side.

The problem is, you are both to blame for a severe lack of communication. You are not fully accepting her frustration, and only seeing it as an attack on you. She is not taking into consideration how insecure you are. It's a vicious cycle.

You need to try not to victimise yourself too much, and neither does OP. Your needs are both equal, and you need to address this together if you want to stay together. You sound like you have both become too stuck in your roles, putting a lot of strain on you and a lot of escapism seeking from your DW.

I agree that if you really love eachother then you really need to seek professional counselling together.

[brightspark2]

It sounds as if psychosexual counselling is needed here - for both of you. For Mr Zub to change the inadequacy feeling - and be able to find joy in satisfying Mrs Z and for Mrs Z to see that him making her horny and feel good - not necessarily orgasm to start with - makes him feel good too. You need to meet each other half way and you probably need professional and specialist help to do so. I'm in my 50's and disabled and my lovely partner in his 40's has as a result of our situation been diagnosed and is getting help for adult autism and Performance Demand Avoidance... so at least I understand a bit - but I've had a reasonable love life and my child and spent many years widowed before we met. Sexless still hurts but there's not as much at stake for me. You two have reached a crossroads and I really hope that this is what galvanises you into finding specialised help - it is out there and you can be helped.

[NeonGod73]

Anyone could have seen this coming.
I would never compromise on something big as sex. And nor should you. I am always surprised when people think that pure platonic love is enough to sustain a relationship. Like naive little kids.

[CherriesInTheSnow]

Would it really be a troll thread

With utmost respect to OP, it's a massively vanilla thing to post about if attempting to troll... So maybe not?