I kissed another man- DP's reaction

[user1491060107]

hi i'm desperate for some advice,
background: i am early twenties, dp is 30. been together 3 years. we have a toddler together.
we get on well, he is a good dad and we are very loving with eachother most of the time. However he is insecure, paranoid and controlling- he questions me about other men all the time and i'm so used to it now that it doesn't really bother me anymore. when he has been drunk in the past and we have argued he either smashed the house up or pulled my hair and grabbed my face aggressively. this has happened about 4 times in our whole relationship. since the last time he sworn he would never lay a finger on me again etc and has stuck to his word for almost a year- it was all forgotten and he was controlling his anger much better.
i wanted to go out last week and meet some friends in town. He said no as he doesn't know these friends and apparently I was dressed like a slag too. I told him to get over it because i was definitely having a night out, as he goes when and where he likes anyway, and i never go anywhere! He was convinced I only wanted to go out to meet other men because apparently i enjoy the attention etc. etc. he ripped my engagement ring off my finger and said you'll probs take this off anyway so no point wearing it- then before I left he put it back on and made me swear that i wouldn't get up to no good. i was so upset, he had been nasty to me all day at this point. I reassured him anyway and off I went.
Whilst i was out i met this guy who was being so nice to me, he was saying all the right things, treating me like i was special and whatnot. we were laughing and dancing and the next thing I know he leaned in to kiss me and i kissed him back!!
I know it's cheating, and I felt bad straightaway but It felt so good to hear a man talk to me like I wasn't worthless. I enjoyed it so much we kissed a bit more and then I realised enough was enough so I told him i'd best get going and he walked me to a taxi and I left. He wanted my number etc but I made my excuses, vowed to never think of him again and go home and pretend like nothing had happened.
two days later my partner is in the bathroom checking my phone like he normally does and a message pops up on INSTAGRAM off this guy! he had searched my first name and found me (god knows how). so my partner is furious of course, he messages the guy back pretending to be me and writes 'Sorry I was really drunk the other night, what happened between us?'
The other guy writes back that I didn't seem that drunk but we kissed a fair bit and that he had a good time. my partner then writes to the guy that he is infact my partner and to get lose basically. the other guy apologies and that's that.
Of course my partner has just found out I kissed someone in a bar and reacts furiously. He starts grabbing my neck, grabbing my arms, shouting in my face, throwing me down. I was so scared, I couldn't stop shaking. He then starts punching himself in the face and a massive lump pops up under his eye- it was like he was possessed. he throws his expensive phone at the wall and that breaks. i told him he was scaring me and ran upstairs.
After the anger he calms down, tells me he loves me and he's going to forgive me etc etc. I told him he shouldn't have grabbed me by the neck but he says how can i blame him for what I have done.
the last few days he won't leave my side, he is being so clingy, waking me up in the night for sex multiple times. he wakes me up to ask me a question about the guy i kissed and have i fallen for him etc. I reassure him of course but it's tiresome.
Since his aggressive outburst, I keep feeling nervous and jumpy all day aswell, like every slight bang makes me jump and my heart beat so fast.
I just want to know is it understandable that he acted the way he did when he found out I had kissed another man, or was he in the wrong? Thank you in advance and sorry for typos I typed it quick on my phone. x

[Haffiana]

I am worried about the "checking my phone like he normally does", OP. Please, please be very careful about your MN internet history. Having attacked you, he will be madly paranoid and frightened that you will tell someone as he has committed a serious criminal act.

[Veterinari]

OP
Please read the checklist on this webpage - it's a domestic violence checklist to assess your risk
www.dashriskchecklist.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/V-DASH-2010-2015.pdf

Being grabbed by the throat is a high risk event - please take your child and leave. Women's aid can help - your relationship is abusive, you are st risk of violence, and you deserve better than this

[BumbumMcTumtum]

I really hope OP comes back to let us know she's ok.

[MrsBrew005]

Worried sick about this woman now i pray she comes back. We are all here to help you through this whatever you do now.... when you feel alone later, remember there's a whole school full of mums here thinking of you and hoping you make the best choice for you and your son

[ILikeyourHairyHands]

Have you posted before? About wanting to go to karaoke?

[PollytheDolly]

God, when I read the title of this thread I had no idea. It needs to be retitled darling.

Please leave him.

[Teepish]

You desperately need to leave him, please get going

[Miserylovescompany2]

Another one checking in to see if you are OK?

[2boytrouble]

Checking in on you. I know you probably won't reply until he's at work again, so maybe tomorrow! But hope you're safe!

[ColouringMandalas]

The fact he thinks that he can't be blamed for grabbing you by the throats is really worrying. He's not sorry, he doesn't see that he's done anything wrong.

He's done it before, he's controlling, he calls you names like "slag", he grabbed you by the throat...

Please get safe asap.

[user1491060107]

Thanks for your replies and good advice. I feel a bit of relief knowing that I did not deserve what he did to me and has done to me. He had another outburst last night, shouting about it in front of my little one this time. She was playing and not paying attention but of course it has a massive affect on kids being around that kind of behaviour and I know if she is exposed to it long term it can be incredibly damaging. I looked at her whilst he was shouting and ranting and my heart just shattered. I know that I have no choice but to leave this unhealthy relationship now. For my daughters sake. He is being clingy, wanting to constantly be touching and hugging. Saying he needs reassuring, he needs to hear how much I love him etc. He woke me again last night and said he loves me so much and couldn't imagine a life without me. I gave a half hearted reply as I was half asleep but its all so draining. I need space to think now and make a plan to leave. I just can't when he isn't leaving me alone. :/

[user1491060107]

I know it was a massive wake up call for me as I really don't believe in arguing in front of children- it does absolutely no good other than make them feel anxious etc (speaking from experience). I kept calmly saying 'not infront of dd' but it was falling on deaf ears

[QuiteLikely5]

The university can help you with funds to ease your situation. They will have a hardship fund

Unfortunately what you really need to do is call the police and have it recorded what this man has done to you.

He sounds dangerous and possessive - no one can protect you though if you don't alert them to the danger you face.

[AnyFucker]

Waking you up is a well known torture device.

Get him out of your bed

[StealthPolarBear]

Please leave before he kills you and your child. Make sure you're safe.
btw when you leave he sounds like he'll threaten to kill himself. Please do not be dragged back.

[StealthPolarBear]

Do you have visible injuries

[LunaJuna]

He will continue to play this victim's card to get away with the abuse. And you feeling guilty will keep giving him strength.
You've already apologised but it's unlikely that he'll move on. Even if he stops fighting, he'll never let you out of the house on your own and you'll be under constant surveillance.

Only you know how happy you are in this relationship, but I think you should end it.

[thegirlfromthehill]

I am so sorry to hear about your partner's appalling, criminal behaviour towards you and your child.

Think if it this way - if you knew that a man was treating your adult daughter in the same way that your partner is treating you - would you want her to stay with him? Would you feel relaxed and positive about their relationship? Or constantly scared that she was at risk of verbal, physical, emotional and sexual abuse - and possibly worse?

I don't think for one second you would want your own daughter, when she is grown up, to stay with such a partner. So please value yourself and plan to leave this awful man as soon as you can safely do so, for good, with your daughter and the basics of what you need - purse, bank details etc.

You say your tutor at university is sympathetic. Please tell him or her everything that is going on as soon as you can and ask them for their practical help. There is no shame in this and one day, when you are back on your feet and all this is behind you, you will find your own ways to repay the kindness. So don't worry about putting on anyone now. You are at great risk, and so is your daughter and you need help now.

Please, also when you can, call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 200 0247 as soon as possible and talk everything through with them. They will help you.

And please come back and let us know how you are getting on. Thinking of you. You can do this.

[pippasloan]

He pushed you to a point where what you did, you did out of the need for normality.

What he is and what he is doing isn't normal. Other posters are right - he will kill you eventually. You need to take your son and find somewhere you can enjoy a life without abuse both physical and emotional.

Most women will stay because he's a 'good father' etc. That is no excuse...what happens with dc upsets him in the future? These men are out of control and. Either you or dc is safe until he is out of your life.

Be strong and be positive. There is much more out there than being physically attacked, because you are a wonderful woman. He can't take his own deep rooted problems and he is using you as a punching bag.

Xxx

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

What will happen to your DD if he kills you?

Sorry to be so blunt and forward, but that question might be what makes you leave.

[pippasloan]

*i meant daughter! So sorry.

Universities have a great hardship fund - I used one for another reason when I was there. You can fill in the form with your tutor and be out with the money in a matter of days.

Good luck with your plan making, it must be so hard for you. Sometimes planning in your head and just doing it when you pick little one up from somewhere is the best way.

You can do this girl. We got you xxxx

[Neverknowing]

So glad you posted again op. You are really not safe please don't be thinking it's going to take a long time to leave. Just leave or you'll never do it, please please get yourself and your daughter safe, pack a small bag of clothes and go to a friend's then sort everything out once you're both safe. Please don't assume he wouldn't cross the line to hurting your daughter. He will.

[mummwest]

There's probably a little part of you that might secretly be flattered by his obsession with you and play it down thinking its because he loves you so much, I'm sorry to say this but guys like this are like that with every woman they are with, if you end this relationship he'll be like this with the next woman too.

You are at risk staying with this man, one punch could kill you, or one outburst of anger where he chokes you a bit harder than the last time.

[user1489179512]

This is abusive as is all the checking up and the controlling. Leave this abusive person as soon as you can.