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Relationships

I kissed another man- DP's reaction

108 replies

user1491060107 · 01/04/2017 16:29

hi i'm desperate for some advice,
background: i am early twenties, dp is 30. been together 3 years. we have a toddler together.
we get on well, he is a good dad and we are very loving with eachother most of the time. However he is insecure, paranoid and controlling- he questions me about other men all the time and i'm so used to it now that it doesn't really bother me anymore. when he has been drunk in the past and we have argued he either smashed the house up or pulled my hair and grabbed my face aggressively. this has happened about 4 times in our whole relationship. since the last time he sworn he would never lay a finger on me again etc and has stuck to his word for almost a year- it was all forgotten and he was controlling his anger much better.
i wanted to go out last week and meet some friends in town. He said no as he doesn't know these friends and apparently I was dressed like a slag too. I told him to get over it because i was definitely having a night out, as he goes when and where he likes anyway, and i never go anywhere! He was convinced I only wanted to go out to meet other men because apparently i enjoy the attention etc. etc. he ripped my engagement ring off my finger and said you'll probs take this off anyway so no point wearing it- then before I left he put it back on and made me swear that i wouldn't get up to no good. i was so upset, he had been nasty to me all day at this point. I reassured him anyway and off I went.
Whilst i was out i met this guy who was being so nice to me, he was saying all the right things, treating me like i was special and whatnot. we were laughing and dancing and the next thing I know he leaned in to kiss me and i kissed him back!!
I know it's cheating, and I felt bad straightaway but It felt so good to hear a man talk to me like I wasn't worthless. I enjoyed it so much we kissed a bit more and then I realised enough was enough so I told him i'd best get going and he walked me to a taxi and I left. He wanted my number etc but I made my excuses, vowed to never think of him again and go home and pretend like nothing had happened.
two days later my partner is in the bathroom checking my phone like he normally does and a message pops up on INSTAGRAM off this guy! he had searched my first name and found me (god knows how). so my partner is furious of course, he messages the guy back pretending to be me and writes 'Sorry I was really drunk the other night, what happened between us?'
The other guy writes back that I didn't seem that drunk but we kissed a fair bit and that he had a good time. my partner then writes to the guy that he is infact my partner and to get lose basically. the other guy apologies and that's that.
Of course my partner has just found out I kissed someone in a bar and reacts furiously. He starts grabbing my neck, grabbing my arms, shouting in my face, throwing me down. I was so scared, I couldn't stop shaking. He then starts punching himself in the face and a massive lump pops up under his eye- it was like he was possessed. he throws his expensive phone at the wall and that breaks. i told him he was scaring me and ran upstairs.
After the anger he calms down, tells me he loves me and he's going to forgive me etc etc. I told him he shouldn't have grabbed me by the neck but he says how can i blame him for what I have done.
the last few days he won't leave my side, he is being so clingy, waking me up in the night for sex multiple times. he wakes me up to ask me a question about the guy i kissed and have i fallen for him etc. I reassure him of course but it's tiresome.
Since his aggressive outburst, I keep feeling nervous and jumpy all day aswell, like every slight bang makes me jump and my heart beat so fast.
I just want to know is it understandable that he acted the way he did when he found out I had kissed another man, or was he in the wrong? Thank you in advance and sorry for typos I typed it quick on my phone. x

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SingingSilver · 01/04/2017 17:36

He does not want the relationship to be over even though I did what I did.

Of course not. Now is the fun part. You were 'bad' and he gets to punish you. You've been so naughty that he can demand sex from you at any time and you feel you can't refuse - wonderful!

This is not about him loving you so much that you couldn't do anything to make him want to leave. This is not about love at all. It's about control and abuse.