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Relationships

I kissed another man- DP's reaction

108 replies

user1491060107 · 01/04/2017 16:29

hi i'm desperate for some advice,
background: i am early twenties, dp is 30. been together 3 years. we have a toddler together.
we get on well, he is a good dad and we are very loving with eachother most of the time. However he is insecure, paranoid and controlling- he questions me about other men all the time and i'm so used to it now that it doesn't really bother me anymore. when he has been drunk in the past and we have argued he either smashed the house up or pulled my hair and grabbed my face aggressively. this has happened about 4 times in our whole relationship. since the last time he sworn he would never lay a finger on me again etc and has stuck to his word for almost a year- it was all forgotten and he was controlling his anger much better.
i wanted to go out last week and meet some friends in town. He said no as he doesn't know these friends and apparently I was dressed like a slag too. I told him to get over it because i was definitely having a night out, as he goes when and where he likes anyway, and i never go anywhere! He was convinced I only wanted to go out to meet other men because apparently i enjoy the attention etc. etc. he ripped my engagement ring off my finger and said you'll probs take this off anyway so no point wearing it- then before I left he put it back on and made me swear that i wouldn't get up to no good. i was so upset, he had been nasty to me all day at this point. I reassured him anyway and off I went.
Whilst i was out i met this guy who was being so nice to me, he was saying all the right things, treating me like i was special and whatnot. we were laughing and dancing and the next thing I know he leaned in to kiss me and i kissed him back!!
I know it's cheating, and I felt bad straightaway but It felt so good to hear a man talk to me like I wasn't worthless. I enjoyed it so much we kissed a bit more and then I realised enough was enough so I told him i'd best get going and he walked me to a taxi and I left. He wanted my number etc but I made my excuses, vowed to never think of him again and go home and pretend like nothing had happened.
two days later my partner is in the bathroom checking my phone like he normally does and a message pops up on INSTAGRAM off this guy! he had searched my first name and found me (god knows how). so my partner is furious of course, he messages the guy back pretending to be me and writes 'Sorry I was really drunk the other night, what happened between us?'
The other guy writes back that I didn't seem that drunk but we kissed a fair bit and that he had a good time. my partner then writes to the guy that he is infact my partner and to get lose basically. the other guy apologies and that's that.
Of course my partner has just found out I kissed someone in a bar and reacts furiously. He starts grabbing my neck, grabbing my arms, shouting in my face, throwing me down. I was so scared, I couldn't stop shaking. He then starts punching himself in the face and a massive lump pops up under his eye- it was like he was possessed. he throws his expensive phone at the wall and that breaks. i told him he was scaring me and ran upstairs.
After the anger he calms down, tells me he loves me and he's going to forgive me etc etc. I told him he shouldn't have grabbed me by the neck but he says how can i blame him for what I have done.
the last few days he won't leave my side, he is being so clingy, waking me up in the night for sex multiple times. he wakes me up to ask me a question about the guy i kissed and have i fallen for him etc. I reassure him of course but it's tiresome.
Since his aggressive outburst, I keep feeling nervous and jumpy all day aswell, like every slight bang makes me jump and my heart beat so fast.
I just want to know is it understandable that he acted the way he did when he found out I had kissed another man, or was he in the wrong? Thank you in advance and sorry for typos I typed it quick on my phone. x

OP posts:
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strongswans · 01/04/2017 16:54

You need to leave and protect yourself and your child. He is abusive and dangerous. Please take the advise here.

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Megatherium · 01/04/2017 16:56

Get out now. Call Women's Aid on 0808 802 5565 for support. You really are not safe, especially if he's drinking.

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user1491060107 · 01/04/2017 16:56

What happens when you ring womens aid?

OP posts:
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ohdoadoodoo · 01/04/2017 16:57

Oh my God. How are you comfortable having your child around and with this man? If he does it to you he'll do it to them too.

RUN. No one deserves this.

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picklemepopcorn · 01/04/2017 17:00

They will talk to you about why you rang and what you want. They will help you understand your situation and decide what you need to do.

They will not ring you when you are not safe. They know how to be discreet about you talking to them.

Please ring them when you can.

He is dangerous to you. Nothing you did makes what he did understandable.

Don't challenge him and argue with him, just quietly make plans to get out.

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JustSpeakSense · 01/04/2017 17:03

Run fur the hills my love, he is abusive.

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TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 01/04/2017 17:06

Get gone - no one should ever put their hands on you like that, whether you've kissed a guy or banged an entire rugby team. My first boyfriend was a serial cheat (and not just a kiss) and as upset as I was, I never once thought it gave me the right to put my hands on him. His behaviour is inexcusable and the only way to let him know this is to leave. For good.

Even taking the violence out of the equation, do you enjoy your life at the minute? Does being with this man bring fun and happiness to your life? Because it sounds pretty miserable to me. You're so young, you've got so much of your life still to live - don't waste it being unhappy.

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NewPuppyMum · 01/04/2017 17:06

You say you don't have anyone else but you don't have this guy either. What you have is an abusive controlling man and a terrible example of a parent for your daughter. Before you even said you'd kissed someone else it was obvious this is no relationship.

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Marmalade85 · 01/04/2017 17:09

You're in an abusive relationship OP and the most dangerous time for you and your safety is when you leave. Do you have anywhere you can stay?

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myoriginal3 · 01/04/2017 17:10

Whether you went out and licked hot chocolate sauce off Brad Pitt, as you know, what he did in return is unacceptable. (I should know, I'm in a very similar situation).

Look at what he did to you as a completely isolated incident to what you did.

I'm glad you managed to get out and I'm actually glad you kissed another guy. You're not completely under the thumb yet!

All that said, you are in very grave danger. Like serious serious danger. Like danger of him 'accidentally' strangling you to death.

I read recently that 2 women in Britain are murdered by their partners or ex partners EVERY WEEK.

What women's aid will do is try to find you a rescue placement. Their only requirement really is that you do not tell your partner of your whereabouts. It's to keep you safe pet.

Until you actually can do anything, try not to annoy him. Do not under any circumstances tell him you're even considering leaving.

Lots and lots of hugs and bravery and courage being sent your way from me. Take care.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 01/04/2017 17:10

Apart from Women's Aid, you can also access the welfare services and counselling at university. Please get yourself and your child safe. You are young. It is better to break up your family than have you hurt, killed or breaking your dds spirit.

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Collaborate · 01/04/2017 17:10

Either leave him or see a solicitor and apply to court for an injunction to get him out of the house. Good luck.

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TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 01/04/2017 17:11

I called Women's Aid a few years ago (after a much less violent incident) and they called a local family solicitor on my behalf. An hour later the solicitor called me, I was at their office the next day and later that week in court getting a non-mol order. They're fantastic and really supportive. I was fortunate that me and my ex had already broken up so I had my own home, but they can help with finding accommodation and also emotional support. Please at least call them - they won't pressure you but will talk to you straight and let you know the options.

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TasLondon · 01/04/2017 17:11

Call Refuge, or any other DV helpline. This is not your fault and you are not alone, there are other women out there who have been in the same situation, who also didn't know how to leave, and who made it out the other side to a better, happier life. Good luck.

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LorelaiGilmorethesecond · 01/04/2017 17:14

Leave him! Seriously don't stay with him. Give him his precious ring back and get out.

Check out The Freedom programme too

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BumbumMcTumtum · 01/04/2017 17:15

Remind yourself - he tries to control your actions - doesn't want you going out.

Now, you know it was wrong to kiss someone else, I'm not making excuses for you, but I think you were pushed to it.

And now look - he's stepped up the physical abuse, as well as emotional blackmail and sexual domination. His territory is well marked, my girl. And you're no longer safe. You need to take control and call women's aid and get safe.

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NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 01/04/2017 17:19

Good god, hair pulling & face grabbing is wrong once so saying it's only happened 4 times is horrendous.
Please get out of this relationship, don't let your daughter grow up thinking this is normal -or worse, without a mother.

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crispandcheesesandwichplease · 01/04/2017 17:19

OP this is the kind of abusive and controlling behaviour that leads to murder. I appreciate you don't feel that you have much support but, without being overly dramatic, who will look after your DC if he kills you?

His behaviour is not going to go away, it's likely to escalate. You need to get out ASAP. Do not threaten him or warn him, this too will likely lead to an escalation of his violence. Make plans and get out.

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NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 01/04/2017 17:21

Sorry, don't know why I have assumed toddler is a girl, not that it matters-a child shouldn't be exposed to this kind of relationship.

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AcrossthePond55 · 01/04/2017 17:21

You need to get out now. For your own sake and the sake of your child.

I knew someone who sounded just like you, many, many years ago. She didn't want to break up with him either. And oh dear, he's threatened suicide, now he's being so nice. He doesn't mean to do these things. He's cried and said sorry.

She's dead now. Her 'dear' partner beat her to death in a jealous rage. The police and coroner said that he beat her over a period of around 8-10 hours before her poor battered body just gave up. Did you read that? He beat her for 8 to 10 HOURS before she died.

Get out now. NOW. I don't care if you leave with the clothes on your back and two nappies for your baby. Get. out. NOW!

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WizardOfToss · 01/04/2017 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

viques · 01/04/2017 17:22

He did not hit you for nearly a year. Wow. That shows he really loves you. NOT.

Leave ASAP. You have now given him "a reason" to be violent, believe me, he is going to stew over this ,build it up in his mind to a full blown affair, his jealousy and controlling behaviour will escalate and then he will explode. You do not want to be there when he does. This is not a stable, normal man, he is a loaded gun, would you have a loaded gun around your child?

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SingingSilver · 01/04/2017 17:30

He was right about one thing that you were going to cheat

I knew there would be one...

Abusive controlling people often create a self-fulfilling prophecy in making their partners so miserable and starved of normal human interaction that a pleasant interaction with a nice person can feel like being handed a glass of water in the desert.

If she wasn't in such a wretched relationship with an abusive man, she almost definitely would not have kissed someone else. She was unhappy. And her partner has reacted by doubling down on the abuse - because he has justification now, yay!

She needs to forget any feelings of misplaced guilt and start to work on an exit plan.

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YourHandInMyHand · 01/04/2017 17:31

You kissed this other man as a reaction to being in a controlling, ABUSIVE relationship.

Your partner is dangerous and therefore you are in danger. Sad

Whenever you get the chance to, call women's aid. They will chat to you without judgement or pressure and ask you a few questions. But please tell them how scared you are and how he's escalated to grabbing your neck, waking you multiple times in the night for sex, and acting oddly.

Please be careful, and make plans to get away. Think short term if it helps. One step at a time so you don't feel overwhelmed

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myoriginal3 · 01/04/2017 17:31

viques I'm also afraid that he will stew on this, have a few beers and beat the living shit out of her/kill her.

Op, I hope you get to read this at some point. I know you're probably not able to read now as he's home.

Please heed me when I tell you that your life is in danger. x

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